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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has thrown cat litter on me when asked to leave tonight

182 replies

Nightowl1989 · 04/02/2022 00:03

I allowed my Ex who I had been friends with since the break up a year ago, to stay in my spare room for the last two weeks as he has recently become homeless. I have a 2 year old daughter who went to bed tonight at 18:30, at 10pm I said I was going to bed and he said I'm gonna go to my bed too he goes upstairs I'm cleaning up (more of his mess) all he does is lay on his bed most of the day and go down for food and leave a mess (doesn't work he's far too lazy for that) I'd been at work got home and tidied it all up, anyway he started singing really really loud! I said X stop singing please your going to wake my DD up he started shouting and singing louder, I shouted up to him "shut up" which probably isn't the nicest thing to say but I just feel he has no respect for me my house or my daughter and he said "eww fuck off you fat cow" under his breath but I heard it so I asked him to get out of my house and he proceeded to throw a dirty cat litter box full contents all down stairs and on me at the bottom, then told me he was "on his dad's grave" (very immature thing for a 32 year old to say) going to smash my window and car tonight. He left after calling me some more names and I have reported it to the police but I feel so bad for some reason because I asked him to leave at 10pm and he doesn't have any where else to go he's just so snappy and can be nasty and makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home and I don't want my daughter around him to be honest. I gave him a set of rules when I allowed him to stay such as don't smoke in the house don't be too loud don't go to sleep with lights on tidy up after yourself and don't slob around on my sofa all day and night and since he stayed he's smoked in my house left his stuff everywhere woke us up at half 4 in the morning yesterday being so loud and sitting in my front room watching stupid YouTube stuff not allowing me time to relax after either work or looking after my daughter all day.
Abiu for asking him to leave at 10pm for shouting and singing upstairs when my daughter is asleep?
Sorry if it doesn't read very well due to bad grammar I'm just so angry!

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 04/02/2022 10:05

Just wanted to say I think you're doing so so well - people saying "What were you thinking???" aren't helping, you're trying to break out of a lifetime of learned appeasement behaviour and that is really tough. But you're DOING it. You're doing it for your daughter.

You've already come so far. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, but you're stronger than you think. Just keep your DD as priority #1 to keep yourself focused on the endgoal. Sometimes it's easier to do these things for someone else, especially when you're in a place where you half believe you deserve this appalling treatment. (Which, of course, you don't - nobody does).

IrishKatie1971 · 04/02/2022 10:21

He can sleep in a police cell. What an abusive shithead. Now you have a great reminder of why he's an ex.

Embracelife · 04/02/2022 10:28

Stop being nice to him in terms of accommodation.
He us an adult his place to sleep is his to sort out

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/02/2022 10:31

You really need to stop feeling sorry for abusers and losers and concentrate on your own happiness and your childs happiness.
Decent men don't abuse women and they don't sponge off them by living in their homes and taking advantage.
There are many cocklodgers out there who take advantage of single mothers because they have homes and get benefits for their children and are seen as "desperate". Goodness knows I've had my fair share, I am much more savvy now.
Just because you have a child doesn't mean you should lower your standards at all - in fact you need to raise them - everything you do is an example for your child and they will follow that example in their own lives.
So your ex is homeless - so what. You don't owe him a home, chuck him out. He is a grown man and can sort himself out.

HesterShaw1 · 04/02/2022 10:54

FFS OP.

Never allow this fucking knuckle dragger to cross the threshold ever again. Ever. Or anyone like him.

HesterShaw1 · 04/02/2022 10:56

And yes change the locks!

You concentrate on yourself and your lovely DD. Think what she could learn from you about boundaries and abuse and setting the bar.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 04/02/2022 11:00

End of the day if someone takes you in like that you treat them like royalty otherwise you risk being kicked out. He sounds dangerous and it would be irresponsible of you to allow him around your child again. I don't say that to be mean but because it seems like you need more of a push to keep him away and that really should be it. If he comes back ask him to leave from behind a window and if he does not leave then call the police.

Cam2020 · 04/02/2022 11:12

You are very unreasonable to give this wanker a second thought!

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2022 11:14

@irene9

You are not a shit mum. Also, you are whole and complete and you are not broken or weak. This feeling sorry for him is a learned pattern of responding. It's a dynamic of behavior that can be unlearned. It's not you as a person. "I just always try my hardest to see the good in people" another way to look at that sentence is that you have Rescuer tendencies. That means you look for part of the person that is fragile so you will feel needed and good about yourself for 'saving' them. BUT and a very big BUT this can also make those of us out there who are like that also ignore or deny the person's bad treatment of us. We turn a blind eye to it because we only want to see the vulnerable part of the other person not the aggressive rude and violent part. We won't allow ourselves to see it because our vision of ourselves as a rescuer had to be maintained. Because we get an emotional payoff from that. It makes our own emotional 'stuff' go away for a while. This is a dynamic that we get stuck in until we can notice those feelings and understand why we are doing it and continue to do it.

The person who treats us badly turns on the 'you have to save me' speech then that triggers the 'I need to save someone' switch in you.
It's not your responsibility to save everyone.

Save yourself and your daughter that's enough.

Your Ex is a grown man, he's managed fine before he met you. You don't have special powers to change him. Best of luck you are doing great.

I just have to say that this is one of the best posts I have ever read here!
MsVanDeKamp · 04/02/2022 12:19

He's not her dad, he beat you up and you allowed him to stay in your home with your daughter. You need to protect yourself and your child more and learn boundaries.

Longleggedgiraffe · 04/02/2022 12:29

Ye Gods! You need to stop feeling bad because you were wrong in your expectations of him. You've already taken steps to protect yourself from him. No need to let him continue ruling your life in his absence by worrying you did the wrong thing. Accept that you were wrong, chalk it down to experience and move on with your life.

2Gen · 04/02/2022 12:30

@Nightowl1989

He's not her dad thank god! I'm just so angry at myself I know what he's like he's an absolute knob! I just really felt sorry for him x
Please keep all your sympathy and compassion for your DD, yourself and people who merit it from now on OP! You sound like a very kind-hearted person but being kind to the likes of him is laying pearls before swine! The likes of him are just users, losers and abusers. They never appreciate the kindness of others, merely see them as mugs because they've no decency in them. Don't feel bad nor beat yourself up anymore because you absolutely did the right thing! If he hasn't anywhere to go it is his own fault because he should have treated you, your DD and your home with respect and consideration. You're well rid OP! Forget him, hold your head up and focus on your DD's and your own wellbeing! All the best to ye both!
Beautifulbutterfly · 04/02/2022 12:44

I am so sorry you’ve gone through such an experience OP. You are such a decent person trying to help your ex. Unfortunately there are just some people in this world who are bad and see kindness as weakness and they have no redeeming features whatsoever. Onwards and upwards for you now! Please do the freedom programme and if you are able to in the future, try to see a counsellor to work on your self-esteem. I wish you and your daughter the very best.

2Gen · 04/02/2022 12:47

@Topseyt

As you are scared of him, maybe you should call the police for advice. Call them now on 101.

His behaviour tonight was pretty threatening really, with throwing the cat litter at you. If he returns then I might be tempted to call 999. He is violent and you have to protect yourself and your DD.

Yes, do this OP! You need this on record because he IS a violent abuser!
LittleDeeAndME · 04/02/2022 12:59

What a utter piece of work - after you were so kind to him - you are well rid - I don't think he will darken your doors again - if he does - call the police. total scumbag

Rockdown2020 · 04/02/2022 13:14

I’m sorry this happened to you. He’s very abusive.

However, you’ve let this abusive man stay in your home with your daughter. You’ve shown her it’s fine for a man to do nothing around the house and to be vile to a woman. You need to far stronger in future because the cat litter is the least of your worries. Why do women allow random abusive men to live with their children. It actually terrifies me how common place this is.

Regularsizedrudy · 04/02/2022 13:35

Your need to work on your boundaries. You’re in a dash track to royally fucking up your daughter at best and at worst she’s going to come to physical harm if you so easily let violent people into your home and life.

Smackthepony · 04/02/2022 13:47

I've been single a fair while now, and plan to remain single for a fair while longer as I want to work on my own self esteem and also just enjoy it being me and my daughter.
I have bin bags

You go girl! Fill them bin bags, dump his shit, delete his number, block him everywhere.

Then…. 🥂🎈🥳

missymousey · 04/02/2022 14:28

You sound like an amazing mum and a strong woman. Well done for seeing what has to change and for protecting your daughter from creatures like that. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help to keep your boundaries strong and your DD and yourself safe xx

Motherofalittledragon · 04/02/2022 15:20

Don't feel sorry for him, change the locks and never let him back in. What a waste of space he is.

ALongHardWinter · 04/02/2022 15:42

I'm gob smacked at the 2% who are saying YABU!

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 04/02/2022 16:59

@ALongHardWinter

I'm gob smacked at the 2% who are saying YABU!
I clicked on YABU. As in YABU for having anything to do with this scumbag and feeling guilty now you've thrown him out.
maddening · 04/02/2022 17:10

Well done op for getting rid! Promise yourself never again, he is never good, never a friend, his upbringing is non of your concern and no excuse for his shitty behaviour, he will not change.

Original poster
Nightowl1989 · 04/02/2022 18:47

Just an update he did try coming back today saying he was sorry and he'd have never smashed my window, I did NOT let him in and when I asked him to step to the end of the garden and wait there till I'd put his bin bags of smelly clothes and crusty socks 🤮 out and locked my door again he actually had the audacity to call me a "freak" and "dramatic" (it's that sort of thing that makes me question whether I am just being dramatic, either way I don't want to see him again) I'm just so glad he's gone.
Next door have CCTV cameras up and have turned one to face me house at the front and at the back and have said that if I ever have any trouble to ring them as they will be there quicker than the police.
Thank you to everyone who was really nice and got me through the night as I was really worried. To those not being so nice I think unless someone has completely worn you down hurt you feelings and confidence you will never know how hard it is to shut the door on them for good even if you don't actually want to be with them anymore.

OP posts:
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 04/02/2022 18:50

Well done. It's never easy to extract yourself from a toxic relationship of any type.