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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

448 replies

TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 21:05

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:
Technosaurus · 04/02/2022 07:59

There's a few different strands here:

  • the examples you gave of her not "helping" are pretty poor, both do genuinely sound like an inconvenience when other more convenient options were available
  • your mum is also looking after your grandmother at their house, she's probably pretty knackered and enjoys any time to herself, she's got a lot on her plate
  • I'm not overly surprised they don't want to leave your grandmother on her own

I suspect they're not being helpful but given the above I can see your mum's position.

I work with older people and am very jealous when I hear of super involved grandparents or even great grandparents who will take the children for a night from a matter of weeks old. I didn't get a "night off" from my children until they were 3 and even then it was sort of an emergency.

Weirdly covid really helped the situation - ever since being banned from seeing the grandchildren for several months, suddenly the grandparents a lot happier to help. It's still not a patch on the level of help others get, but that's just the hand I've been dealt.

purplesequins · 04/02/2022 08:00

I'd be annoyed too.

but childcare is the parent's responsibility. not the grandparent's.

HoppingPavlova · 04/02/2022 08:02

I don’t understand why you would pick your mum up to take her to the appointment rather than leaving the kids with her and you picking them up on your way back through?

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 04/02/2022 08:02

My DM has gone out of her way to spend time with her grandchildren, and no doubt they will do the same with her when they are older. You reap what you sow and all that. So many grandparents saying they have done their time raising children and then getting salty when the bond with their grandchildren just isn't there.

MrsBerthaRochester · 04/02/2022 08:12

Yanbu op and its only on mn that its ok for grandparents to not help. I have friends who get a lot of help.
My mum used to take kids twice a year for two days at xmas and three in the summer. Inlaws never had our kids overnight and took them on one day out. This pissed me off as they did a lot of childcare for their other grandkids. Mil died a couple of years ago and my kids were dry eyed at funeral.
Good parents want to help their children and that doesnt end jist because you are an adult.

DarleneSnell · 04/02/2022 08:14

Cherish your parents for what they already did for you. Dedicating their life to bringing you up. But stand on your own two feet. They don’t owe you anything. You owe them gratitude - and before long you may need to care for them. With love

My MIL is one of those who thinks DH should be very grateful he was born and raised, and in return we ought to run around after her now, and eventually invite her to live here at some point. Hang on. She chose to have DH, It was her duty to look after him!

My PILs didn't raise ME, or help me. Why would they expect care from me?

Nobody's suggesting regular childcare commitments. We're talking the odd babysit, a favour, a sleepover for a wedding anniversary. With their own grandchildren.

Grandparents will reap what they sow. In times where today's "entitled" parents will still be at work until well into their 60s, "I gave birth to your husband" isn't going to be enough.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 04/02/2022 08:15

Sounds rubbish OP. Can you visit your mum and gran without any kids? I wouldnt be going out of my way. Its a 2 way street visiting

Alexandra2001 · 04/02/2022 08:32

My mum gave up work for 6 weeks to help me, she did all the night stuff, my in laws, though not quite as selfless, where brilliant too.

I help my DD a heck of a lot too & when/if she has kids i'll help her too if required.

If you can't rely on family to help you out, who can you.

TeloMere · 04/02/2022 08:37

I've never expected my mother to look after my children. After bringing up 5 kids she's done her bit and has a busy life now with work and hobbies.

She enjoys being a "fun grandma" with the DC's, with me and/or DH always there to do the boring parenting stuff.

MangoSeason · 04/02/2022 08:43

I understand OP. It sounds like you ask for very little and of course they have no obligation to help.

Some people have no parents locally. Some people’s parents are dead or infirm or not appropriate babysitters. But it is a special type of sadness when you have local, able-bodied parents who never, ever help, not even in the rarest of circumstances.

I remember being at playgroup with my 2 toddlers and pregnant with my third and almost prostate with morning sickness. A friend said how lucky I was to have my retired mum local. I said I wouldn’t dream of asking her for help, not once, not even for one half morning because she would either refuse or make it so difficult that it would end up being impossibly hard and I would end up feeling hurt and sad.

I would never treat my children like this if they have children. I wont be taken for a mug but intend to help out where I can.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 04/02/2022 08:44

I think there are two issues here. There is no requirement for them to provide childcare. We aren't all earth mothers and looking after our own child or children is quite enough! Yes parents help their children but looking after small children is really tough - I wouldn't want to do it for anyone other than my own!

But if they want to see your children, then they should meet you or go to your house from time to time, assuming they are fit enough to do so. You are not unreasonable about that.

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2022 08:44

My mom is the same but when my big sister was born she dropped her at her mil and went to work when I was off school sick I got sent to her mums or my aunts house we got dropped off at my aunts in the 6 weeks holiday too but help her daughter? No never

Thehop · 04/02/2022 08:47

Never had a nights help with any of mine from parents. Even on my wedding night my mum wouldn’t have mine. I had to stay sober to get them home at a half decent time. The party was brilliant apparently.

Bendyrabbit · 04/02/2022 08:48

My mum spends a lot of time saying how much she loves being a grandma. I was at my grandma’s house every day and all through the school holidays as a child. She did pick up, drop off and took us to appointments. My mum has had my kids twice in seven years and when we visit spends the whole time telling them off. She’s just turned 60 so not old or infirm. She fully expects me to care for her when she’s elderly.
It’s shit OP. I’ve stopped visiting as much as it seems so unfair how much support she had and now she won’t pay it forward. To be fair, she doesn’t help with care for my grandma either. It’s just selfishness.

ChocolateMassacre · 04/02/2022 08:48

Since lots of grandparents love spending time with their grandchildren and helping their own children out, I think YANBU to be a bit sad that your own children's grandparents are a bit of a dead loss. Yes, they're not obliged to help but then you're not obliged to fête their lack of grandparenting effort either. You're not a priority for them and of course that hurts.

It's not really about expecting free childcare or regular babysitting (which would be unreasonable). It's about the grandparents putting the effort in to build the relationship with their grandchildren and occasionally helping their children out if they can. While I do think that parents who are expecting weekly childcare or regular babysitting are unreasonable, it doesn't sound like that is what you are expecting.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/02/2022 08:49

Are you asking your mum to sit in a car with your children while you attend your appointment?

Wouldn’t it be better for them to spend the time at her house. Appointments frequently overrun and I really wouldn’t want to have to entertain my grandchild in a car for any length of time.

(Apologies if I misunderstood that element)

MrsCremuel · 04/02/2022 08:51

So weird. I notice this a lot on mn, the expectation families do it alone and anger if people expect help. This is a relatively new phenomenon, we used to raise our children in communities and with inter generational having much more input.

My mum was a single parent and had lots of from her sisters and my Nans - maternal and paternal, friends. It was reciprocated. So I would be sad and annoyed, my parents are at pains to help us with our two and absolutely love it. I’m sorry OP it must really suck. I’d feel let down and rejected.

MrsCremuel · 04/02/2022 08:52

Lots of help*

Lovemusic33 · 04/02/2022 08:53

You will always get people on MN saying “they don’t owe you child care” 😐.

My parents are pretty useless when it comes to helping with childcare, they will do it but I’m often made to feel bad for asking.

And for those that say “they don’t owe you child care”….I hope when/if I have grandchildren I can support them as much as possible, I would help out when I can without moaning about it. Baby sitting from time to time is expected and I would enjoy doing so.

BridStar · 04/02/2022 08:53

Some just aren't interested in grandkids. Or their own kids, really. Mine completely lost interest in their children once they'd left home and rarely see their grandchildren, have never done a minute's childcare.

Nothing wrong with it, I guess, they just aren't really interested in family, or people, which you probably noticed growing up.

Gilly12345 · 04/02/2022 08:53

Next time your Parents moan that they don’t see the Grandchildren enough why not explain that they seem reluctant to help you even with the smallest of favours.

My MIlL was like this and she has missed out big style with her Grandaughters and I asked my Mum instead, now the girls are older it is my Mum they take out and visit on their own.

TempsPerdu · 04/02/2022 08:56

I hate to break it to you but your parents don't exist so you get free childcare

This is very true. But it’s equally true that children don’t exist to care for their parents in old age. All relationships are reciprocal and should be based on compromise and mutual trust and understanding - the problem is where all of the expectations and obligation seem to go one way, as appears to be the case for OP and her parents, with little effort made on the other side.

I do believe that to a greater or lesser extent you reap what you sow when it comes to relationships. I will certainly feel differently about caring for my ageing parents if and when when the time comes after experiencing their dismissive attitude towards and lack of investment in DD.

FabriqueBelgique · 04/02/2022 08:57

Maybe it’s not a grandkids thing but a personality thing? They might just be very set in there ways and feel anxious at the thought of staying out of their home / interrupting their routine / being in charge of entertaining young children.

FabriqueBelgique · 04/02/2022 08:57

*their !

3scape · 04/02/2022 08:57

Ah yes. The fake gran. My children have one of those. She posts all about how great being granny is, she has t shirts proclaiming 'best gran' and 'gramnie elf' and 'if I'd know having grandkids was this much fun I'd have had them first'. In reality we don't see my parents, except at family parties organised by other family members. Yet she's there saying to all and sundry how much they love the park/ baking. She has no idea what they like, no clue what's going on in any of our lives.