Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

[TulipVictory]

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

They are grandparents not parents. You decided to have the children. Some grandparents think I’ve brought up mine but don’t want to look after grand children. As you get older you just don’t want too. You have to respect their choice.

They are your children, and your responsibility. You should not expect childcare, but if this is what you expect, and they know it, perhaps they are reluctant to offer or accept your requests through fear of being tied down, like many grandparents with the never ending responsibility of your children. But it seems you are not expecting it regularly though, so perhaps your approach is off putting?Your parents have done their bit in child rearing, and likely want to enjoy their child free life. Do they still work? Maybe they are tired and need time to themselves? I'd try not to take offense. My own mother NEVER visits....she is on her own and has a car but doesn't drive anywhere than into town where she lives, I think she's become too used to staying home and doesn't have the confidence she used to have. If I ask for childcare I expect to take the kids to her, and it doesn't bother me, she's doing me a favour having them at the end of the day. There is also the fear among grandparents that if they have the grandchildren too often, the novelty wears off. They can't spoil them and enjoy them if it's all the time. I see a lot of grandparents at school who do drop off /pick up, school holidays, and other than the obvious age gap, they act just like a parent. They have to be the good guy, the bad guy and everything in-between and deal with all that comes with raising kids, which I find sad, because the parents are missing out on a lot of things like the stay and play days and shows they out on etc, and the grandparents are having to do tough things like listen to the teacher tell them their grandchild has misbehaved and rush around worrying about packed lunches and clubs etc. Don't cut them out, don't be cross, maybe just speak to them. Tell them how you feel, see what they say. Let them know you don't expect childcare, but want the kids to have a good relationship with them, but wouldn't mind the odd favour when you have an appointment etc. Perhaps they are not confident in having your youngest? It's a big ask to have a baby, especially over night, maybe they don't think they can cope, it's likely a long while since you were a child and they have gotten older.

@AnotherForumUser you've got me all wrong. My mum is here all. The. Time. She doesn't quite understand when to leave and she is completely happy to help me out as she doesn't work but sometimes I need space too. She adores my daughter and wants to spend time with her. I'm studying and working (although very very part time) and she wants to help me, yes I'm very grateful but she will literally do what she needs and then just sits in my house on the one sofa we have whilst I look after my daughter (yes, my job and I love I get to do that) and everything else around the house. I don't use her just for childcare, hardly ever!! But she is here a lot and it would be nice if some of that time I could go and study, or clean the bathroom. You know, small luxuries.

It's the same with my sister, the only want to hang out, but all the time, they don't understand I might want to be on my own for a bit.

Stop assuming you know when you don't.

I never understood it from a point of view of the Grandparent to the working mother. So growing up my much elder Grandparents overseas took us on holidays, did my mothers gardening and taught us so much but they didn’t have to do any school picks ups or covering appointments as someone pointed out these are childcare roles that involve being at a set time. It’s probably more fun going on holiday or being there in a more relaxed way. That’s the difference I can see as a former nanny . Oh I do however wish I could go in a time machine and Thank my wonderful Grandparents for their energy and enthusiasm and love they have my upmost respect for how much they gave their hearts. My grandparents on Father’s side who lived nearby would not have known me in the street and were very involved in their own lives bearing in mind my mother moved countries and rebelled against her mother constantly but she still was all in with her grand children. They were older than the average and were amazing to look after us 3 handfuls . We were a naughty bunch.

@wentworthinmate If she worked full time, how much childcare could your mum realistically do?

Just because grandparents are often retired doesn’t meant they want to spend time doing childcare. Or give up work to childcare. Or come to your to childcare. How far away do they live? Maybe they don’t like the responsibility. Have you actually asked? They don’t owe you childcare by the way.

Totally relate to this. My in-laws are in their fifties mostly retired so assumed they would be loving having dgc but no every time we ask it's like we are putting them out, we go visit once or twice a month and it's always us making the effort. Thing is they have sils dd all the time but don't find it strange that they do so little for us. My dm died a few years ago and my dad is not in good health so we don't have anyone to ask. We basically never do anything.

My mil helped when she could. My mother has little interest in our kids. You reap what you sow too. I dont have gc but yes would help a bit. Not sure I would do full T care but would help if asked or an appointment.

It's nice when grandparents can help out and it must be disappointing if they appear to take no interest in the grandchildren but the phrase "put the effort in childcare wise" makes it sound as if they are shirking a responsibility .
Many grandparents enjoy spending time with their grandchildren and also want to help their children out when they are very busy but it isn't their responsibility so YABU.

I agree with you totally but never ask a question like this as you will get the mumsnet brigade telling you that you are not owed childcare and how very dare you ever ever expect a grandparent to ever have your child to help you out. Utter bollocks

I'd be annoyed too. I don't have much advice, but if this is any comfort, this sounds a lot like my parents. I don't understand why they don't want to help with their only grandchild, or even just see him more.
What I do wonder is: was your Mum always like this, or might the pandemic have changed her? I think it's a contributing factor in my parents being like this.

My parents never once looked after my children. I never asked them so I’m not sure if they would have or not. I suppose I just wouldn’t expect them to want to babysit. They’d done their childcare/child rearing. They seen my children regularly but always with me or ExH and mostly always at their house. It was exactly the same with ExMiL. I can’t ever imagine expecting anybody to look after my children unless they’re being paid for it or a school teacher…

I don’t come from a large
Or very close family so I would never expect my mum or mil (only family we have) to look after the children. Apparently this is rare! My husband and I have always be very self sufficient so it surprises me that other families work so differently .

Have a honest conversation about building an emotional bond with grandchildren. Also remind them when they get older and lonelier these relationships will keep them company. Some ppl are just shortsighted. They don’t want to engage your young kids but forget these kids will grow up and gps will not mean much to them then.

My Mum and MIL always helped if it was convenient for them . They were always happy to help and I never made it an expectation….surely that is why families exist…helping whenever you can !

I suppose that each family will form their own approaches to this. They do not owe childcare in any way and may even find it too much, especially as they are caring for your gran?? I'm not sure how old they are.
As weird as their choices seem to you, will have to go with it, as they are doing the favour. I do find the not going on family outings odd. I had no help from my family as they're in a different country. I know how tough it can sometimes be. This is why I would choose to help my daughter going forward and of course it makes perfect sense to have the children in their home. Just as long as dd does not take advantage.
They have reasons for their choices. I would rather get a baby sitter tbh.

if you want to dump your children on someone, pay for childcare.

When I had my first child and even the next one. I was over a 100 miles from my parents and usually saw them when we stayed with them a couple of times a year and they would mind them for a morning during each time.
My MIL only lived a bus journey away, we saw her every week on a Sunday. She came to babysit once. She felt the stairs to our flat were too much for her but even when we moved into a house would not come until I was in hospital having second son when apparently she minded our first born while my DH was at work. But not once I was out of hospital.
It was not that she was not getting any money as we paid for her TV rental every month and an occasional gas bill.
I overheard her one Sunday saying to my SIL that she would babysit for them instead of us even though we had actually asked her already. Told my SIL not to mention it to us. Needless to say I did not get on very well with her after that.
When we moved 200 plus miles away for my husband's new job she accused us of depriving her of her grandchildren !

I understand that your post isn’t so much about them putting in effort with childcare, but putting in effort to have a relationship point blank.

My MIL is constantly complaining she doesn’t see enough of DD.

She’s young, fit, and lives a short flight away. She’s also a millionaire.

I invited her to come and stay in our house* for DDs first dance show, she won’t come because the flights are too expensive that weekend.

There’s a load of other context here with my family being completely unsuitable to be around a child, but I hear everyone who feels lonely and that it’s unfair. It is unfair. Especially when there are people like my 90 year old neighbour who would give anything to have grandchildren and take care of them but grieves every day that she was unable to have children. Don’t worry, we hang out with her regularly.

I often wonder if there’s a Safe way to connect the grandchildren-less with the grandparent-less?

*that she says is far too small. She could stay in a hotel but she won’t pay.
Me, DH and DD are….. living paycheck to pay check.. just.

Can you make the visit to DGM a bit more interesting - go out for coffee or lunch - walk to the park.
Surely you'd all enjoy that a bit more.

It seems your parents want a relationship with your kids yet aren't willing to put in a bit of effort. I wouldn't go to see them every week, I'd tell them what you were doing with the kids and suggest they join you if they want to. If they can't or won't, then tough.

As for the sleepover, I think it's a lot to ask for them to sleep at your place (but some GPs will do it - my mum has done it a number of times) so I wouldn't be angry if they said no. If you need them, you have to meet them half way.

I'm aghast at the number of posters saying they wouldn't do childcare for their grandchildren - don't be surprised if you don't see them often then. And what a sad view of family yours is.

Genuinely, what’s the point in having a family if you aren’t interested in supporting each other, forming relationships or doing each other the occasional favour? This of course doesn’t apply to grandparents who are still working, very elderly or unable to for whatever health issue. But when you have children, you accept there is a good chance you will be a grandparent one day, and that your child will need support with that. It simply isn’t like the good old days when women stayed at home and had ample time to do housework and look after the children.

My relationship with my ( now elderly) mother is that it is always me who visits her. I have felt a bit let down at times of need, but hey, she looked after me and my brother as sickly children and coped with breast cancer and severe depression herself with little support so I think she has done her bit. I have accepted over the years that the dynamic isn't going to change.

They will reap what they sow. If they don’t help out with your kids now, you are unlikely to want to help them out. In years to come when they are calling you at 7pm at night because their tv doesn’t work, you will be able to reply with “oh, you will have to come and pick me up and take you back to your house if you would like help, because I don’t want to lose my parking spot”. Look at the benefits, you are learning how they implement their boundaries, don’t be afraid to do the same!!

what’s the point in having a family if you aren’t interested in supporting each other, forming relationships or doing each other the occasional favour?

Many families dont work like that.

I have cousins, aunts. uncles and no idea where they even live.
I haven't spoken to my sister for 6 years, we don't even send birthday cards and I don;t know her mobile number.
I can;t remember my mother ever doing me any favours- in fact she thinks I owe her for giving birth to me and caring for me as a child.
At 18 that was it- no support, financial or emotional.
Not every family is like the Waltons.