Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

[TulipVictory]

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

It's probably a strong reason for WHY I don't believe grandparents want to spend time with their kids. Shallow generation my parents (born in the 50s).

I wouldn’t phrase it exactly like that, because I get that grandparents have no obligation to babysit, but I kinda understand.

My parents live 500 miles away, so their hands are pretty tied in that regard- but my ex’s parents live on the same street as me.
I’m perfectly happy with the amount they see my son, although they’re always saying they want to see him more (in a general sense) and then they don’t make any plans to. It’s confusing.

I also think my generation (I’m 31) spent quite a lot of time with our grandparents, so maybe the amount our kids spend with theirs looks low in comparison- but that’s just my experience.

Mumoblue

I’m perfectly happy with the amount they see my son, although they’re always saying they want to see him more (in a general sense) and then they don’t make any plans to. It’s confusing.“

Maybe they’re waiting for you to initiate when it’s convenient?
I don’t like being too pushy/ don’t want to intrude.

I think it’s sad when GPs just moan yet do nothing to cultivate relationships.

I was very lucky to be very close to my paternal GPs and lived with them from age 7.

I’m even luckier that PIL, just MIL now as FIL died, built amazing relationships with the kids. They have a lovely relationship with them individually and as a group.

My MIL is taking one of mine to an event at the weekend and one of her sisters keeps saying “oh I wish I could do that with my grandkids” but then makes zero effort. Her DD has tried and and tried, but the only time she sees them is every other Sunday when her DD visits. She then whinges that the other GPs do fun stuff with then yet won’t go anywhere her DD tries to organise.

It’s fair enough if someone doesn’t want to do stuff, but then don’t bloody whinge about it.

OP doesn’t owe them weekly visits either and yet they’re meaning that’s not enough.

So they are well suited. The GPs think the OP should visit them, the OP thinks the GPs should visit the OP. Neither particularly want the "incoveniences" of traveling to see the other but both want the convenience of free childcare or time with DGC.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

We have a lot of help from both sides and our children have very close bonds with their grandparents. I will offer the same help to my children.

@C8H10N4O2

OP doesn’t owe them weekly visits either and yet they’re meaning that’s not enough.

So they are well suited. The GPs think the OP should visit them, the OP thinks the GPs should visit the OP. Neither particularly want the "incoveniences" of traveling to see the other but both want the convenience of free childcare or time with DGC.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Hardly the same when the OP is actually making all the actual effort

Hardly the same when the OP is actually making all the actual effort

The OP was quite clear - the visits are to her DGM, who happens to live with her parents.

The OP was equally clear, she wanted free childcare help but on her own terms and not wanting to factor in the most convenient way for her mother.

'Not put the effort in'?

That suggests you think its their responsibility to.

If you have an attitude like that, I can't say I'm surprised by the fact they might not be doing it.

It suggests you don't take the responsibility you should and have too many expectations of them generally and they don't like it.

I would also add my mum sometimes seems put out by how close I am with my grandma. At 90 I feel better taking the kids to stay with her then to my mum and often call my grandma when I need some perspective. My kids think my mum is scary. It’s sad for everyone. My lovely late father spent so much time with all the children in the family and he is so missed, even by the kids who were two or three when he died. They remember him because he was there for them and so hands on.

but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space
Does she never use her car? to preserve a parking space?

I'm completely with you on this @TulipVictory My mum does loads for us but she is getting older and more tired. She still does 3 school pick ups each week and takes the kids swimming whilst I'm at work. If it wasn't for her, I would struggle and I massively appreciate everything she does. But I do worry that it's getting a bit much.

My ILs on the other hand are almost 10 years younger. Retired early but do live further away. They couldn't do the school run or just pop over one evening and we wouldn't expect them to. What I do get pissed off with is that they are more than able and capable to take the kids out for a few hours at half term or a weekend. But no. They have had them a grand total of 1 hour since the day they were born. And that was because I was getting married that day and needed to get ready.

They are the first to trill to anyone around about how much they love and miss the grandkids and would LOVE to spend more time with them. Except they wouldn't. Because they dont. All the bullshit virtue signalling for everyone else's benefit gets on my nerves. We asked them ONCE if they would help us when I had just given birth and my husband and eldest had a sickness bug. I was unwell from surgery. I just needed someone to wipe down the surfaces and floors and handles and get some essentials from the shop. But no. They have decided that they are coming over to see the kids at half term but in reality they are coming on my day off so that they don't have to do any form of childcare in any shape or form. They want to play, let the kids get out every toy, destroy the house and then go home leaving me with the mess. I'm tempted to go out tbh once they get here. If we go to their house they don't want to go anywhere or do anything.

Anyway I'm sorry to hijack - I hear you. Completely

Short term it’s annoying; long term, DGP miss out on a fulfilling relationship with DGC. She’ll get the odd duty visit, period.

There’s no right or wrong for DGM (well, ok, there is for most of us) but there are consequences to her behaviour. She may not like them.

Arrange your own childcare. Or book appointments when there is someone else available to take care of your children. I stopped relying on my parents long ago for childcare as it always came with strings attached.

@hiredandsqueak

I do two days childcare each week for dd. I get the impression that it's never enough despite doing extra days regularly on top. Tbh as much as I love dd and dgs I don't enjoy providing childcare and feel that I'm way past entertaining toddlers. Maybe your parents feel the same. Any childcare I used I paid for so it's not as if dd experience grandparent childcare either but I do it free of charge I suppose.

Your situation is different, you do two days a week. Op’s parents are reluctant to help out at all

I used to say the gp don't owe anyone childcare and I do believe that, however since having dc I wouldn't want to see them struggle if they had kids and not want to help. I doubt, as a gp I'd offer regular childcare to allow work for example, but sitting with my gc whilst my dc had an appointment or the odd night out wouldn't be an issue at all

But to answer your question my dp never offered help. They did babysit once, but I'd only been out an hour or so until I got called home as dd was ill (got home and nothing was wrong)

My kids are still under five but I'm already looking forward to becoming a grandparent and helping out with the kids (not that I'd ever pressurised them to have kids). You never know though what's going through someone's head. I think if dgp chip in its great for everyone around but for some people it might not be that easy. They might not even realise that dgp often play quite an active role

I also think as a one off it can be quite daunting to babysit. It's easier when you are used to it but might be stressful if it's just once in s while.

Also, are they worried about Covid?

Well you’re not being unreasonable to want them to put in effort to visit you or go on days out, but honestly, your childcare examples do make you sound unreasonable.

Very few people are willing to sleep in someone else’s house to babysit and getting someone to babysit outside an appointment instead of at their house is pretty odd.

Whilst objectively grandparents don’t owe you childcare, I agree it’s still unpleasant to not have that support.

However, when someone is doing you a favour, you can’t then demand it’s on your terms. If someone is helping you out, you need to inconvenience them as little as possible.

My parents and IL's don't live especially close so we've never anticipated that they'd be doing much childcare.
That said, MIL does often offer to come and look after them. Trouble is, she follows it with "but I don't do nappies" (until recently both DC were in nappies , one still is).
Not quite sure what I'm supposed to do with that tbh

@3scape

It's probably a strong reason for WHY I don't believe grandparents want to spend time with their kids. Shallow generation my parents (born in the 50s).

I was born in the 50's. Lots of us have/do provide childcare for dgc. It's not a shallow generation you just have a shallow dm.

Whilst I agree GPs aren't there for your convenience, it depends what you expect. I thought you were going to moan they didn't help much more than you have done. I don't think asking for help because you need to attend an appointment is unreasonable at all (unless they were physically unable). And I think it's a bit mean of them not to help you. If you were complaining you want to go and get drunk every Friday night and they won't have them, clearly that's different.
Personally I would stop going to them every week. And if they ask you- say we are going to xyz today and you are welcome to join us? Or you are welcome to come over to our house. Personally I don't see the point in putting effort in if it's not returned on any level. My mum would bend over backwards for me (to her detriment) but DHs family are completely the opposite. His mother moans he makes no effort yet he has tried (she just sits and moans about that too) sends cards etc. She doesn't even send him a birthday/Christmas card. As an outsider i can see the issue is her. But he just can't. Bless him.

Fascinating, this.

My mum had lots of holiday help from her own mum, because she worked - we went to my Nan's most days in the school holidays, when mum couldn't get leave. I have great memories of those days!

My dad's parents lived too far away them to help regularly but we saw them every year, with either us going to them, or them coming to us for a week.

Babysitting was a much more regular option then - Mum and Dad would frequently have babysitters in, in fact Mum helped to run a babysitting circle of mums who took it in turns.

My parents helped out with my sister's kids when they were tiny, and my MIL helps out with my boys when needed now. It's not an expectation I have - I ask if she can help, and she is happy to do so when she can - if she can't, then I have to make other arrangements but she would be upset if I didn't at least ask her first! (We live in Australia now, my Dad is in the UK so babysitting isn't really an option from him )

No one should EXPECT their parents to help out but it's really odd that so many CBA or outright refuse - why would you do that? Unless you're genuinely doing something else, why not help out? I'm not talking about regular daycare, but the odd situation like the OP described.

Your 2 examples.

Were they willing for the kids to stay at their house?

Were they willing to mind your kids at their house instead of meeting your there?

I have never understood people who say "they dont owe you help, they have done their bit raising their children" etc..its just so selfish.

We don't get any help either op and our parents relationship with their dgc is superficial. Its disappointing and upsetting. My parents have on many occasions commented on how exhausted and ill I look. When I explain yes because I'm working and looking after disabled children with no break, they still don't offer to help. They are actually young gp, able and my dcs disability does not require extra support for the odd overnight or day out, if that's their worry, which they know.

I love my dc above everything. I will do anything for them. Even if its hard work for me. I will never sit by and watch them suffer or watch them look exhausted or have no relationship with their partner due to lack of time together. Il do anything for them now and il do anything for them in the future including when/if they have their own dc. That includes childcare, helping them financially and practically such as in the home or taking them to appointments. Il do this even if it is hard, tiring or inconvenient to me because I love them and care about them and I know I will love my dgc just as much and il want a meaningful relationship with them. Just because my dc have become adults and had their own dc does not stop them being my beautiful children. It doesn't end at 18. I honestly cannot get my head around gp who think it does.

Its really hard seeing GPS at parks or days out having fun with dgc and seeing so many on the school run etc it is so hurtful when you don't have that. Il never let my dc down like that never.