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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

448 replies

TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 21:05

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 03/02/2022 21:27

I do two days childcare each week for dd. I get the impression that it's never enough despite doing extra days regularly on top. Tbh as much as I love dd and dgs I don't enjoy providing childcare and feel that I'm way past entertaining toddlers. Maybe your parents feel the same. Any childcare I used I paid for so it's not as if dd experience grandparent childcare either but I do it free of charge I suppose.

FrownedUpon · 03/02/2022 21:29

They don’t owe you anything. Lots of grandparents don’t want the hassle of childcare. They raised their children, you raise yours.

DuggeeHugPlease · 03/02/2022 21:29

@EmpressCixi

Grandparents don’t exist to be your on demand childcare peons. They exist to have a bond and relationship with your children, their grandchildren. Sorry, but that is the boundary I have. I would be happy to have my grandchildren over or for a day out at my convenience to have a relationship with them, but to be your on demand nanny, not so much. I raised my children with zero help from grandparents, it’s not that hard to do. And I expect my children to do the same. Barring bona fide emergencies of course, I’d take care of them in an emergency. But not as a fill in on call nanny at your beck and call.
Yes but they would develop a different and stronger bond if they spent some time alone with grandchildren - with added benefit of giving parents a break.
LaChanticleer · 03/02/2022 21:29

You make it sound as though it is their responsibility to look after your children. They’ve already done their share of child-rearing.

EmpressCixi · 03/02/2022 21:30

[quote TulipVictory]@EmpressCixi that's fine but what I would like to know is do you ever actually take your grandchildren anywhere or are they just brought over to sit in your house? We have been saying this both my parents and in-laws say they would like to see us more. Never ever have we ever been on a day out with them, it is always with the expectation that we come to them, on their terms.[/quote]
I think I was put off you your title “Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?” Which said it all to me really. That you want childcare for your children from your parents. If you care about the kids having a relationship, don’t call the grandparents when you need childcare.

3Daddy31982 · 03/02/2022 21:31

They are YOUR children

Acidburn · 03/02/2022 21:31

No one owes you any childcare, obviously. But my mum would move in if I ever asked her to, because in our family - children is the most precious thing that parents have. So of course my parents would help as much as they possibly can. Perhaps I am lucky.

DuggeeHugPlease · 03/02/2022 21:31

I agree it can feel very one sided. My parents only ever see us if I arrange it and have never had my kids on their own. They make comments about how they are through with their child rearing days which is fine but the thing is I remember as a child going to grandparents on my own regularly and being shipped off to other family members like aunties and uncles for weekends so they had time together. But I'm told that I chose to have children and should be prepared to look after them 24/7.

Arabellla · 03/02/2022 21:32

@FrownedUpon

They don’t owe you anything. Lots of grandparents don’t want the hassle of childcare. They raised their children, you raise yours.
OP doesn’t owe them weekly visits either and yet they’re meaning that’s not enough.
Hamjamwich · 03/02/2022 21:33

My son has never stayed over at my mum's or my PIL's and I did not expect it or for them to do any childcare. That's the parents responsibility

Feetupteashot · 03/02/2022 21:33

Yabu

Invite them over sure but while you're there?

Juancornetto · 03/02/2022 21:37

@LaChanticleer

You make it sound as though it is their responsibility to look after your children. They’ve already done their share of child-rearing.
My parents got help with childcare from my grandparents but don't help me. I tell myself it's my fault for having mine too old Grin
ToJabOrNotToJab · 03/02/2022 21:37

I think in the 2 examples you gave your mum would be doing you a favour so you absolutely should make it as easy for her as possible. However it's a separate issue that the onus is on you to facilitate visits and your mum/parents never reciprocate. It definitely shows a lack of... interest/effort? So I can totally see why that's disappointing for you.

As others have said, only go and see them every week if you want to and it's convenient for you. In other words, stop doing all the running and just go over when it suits you. I expect seeing them every week on their terms is causing more resentment.

That being said, have you actually asked them over to yours/cafe/other outing? If not thelat would be the obvious thing to try.

DirtyDancing · 03/02/2022 21:38

Literally have to hold my Mum back from doing child care. We are so very lucky. I feel for people who do not have that support

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 03/02/2022 21:38

Don't bother going to see them every week if they're just going to be miserable sods and act like everything is a huge inconvenience to them.

UpintNorth · 03/02/2022 21:40

This thread makes me sad. My dear Mum helped as much as she could (one of our girls stayed over just once) and adored her grandchildren before she got too poorly. We lost her in 2019… whatever relationship your kids have with their GPS, it is better than not having any. (DHs parents passed a long time ago). We are lucky to have some amazing friends who we reciprocate with childcare and sleepovers which gives all of us some support. But we don’t expect it, and have had 4 nights away (one night at a time) from our kids in 11 years. No regrets.

Saz12 · 03/02/2022 21:43

Are they carers for your grandmother, who lives with them? In which case, maybe they’re knackered and out of patience?! Can they /do they leave her in the house alone overnight so they can get away? Do you take a turn with looking after grandmother?

My DF is in a care home, my youngest DC is 8. It’s very difficult to care for an old/frail parent, and they maybe just don’t have the energy for caring for your young children on top.

the80sweregreat · 03/02/2022 21:45

My parents and my husband's were the same.
If you want children you bring them up was the mantra there !

TempsPerdu · 03/02/2022 21:48

I can empathise here OP. As many others have said, grandparents don’t owe their children childcare, and if they don’t want to be overly involved in their DGCs’ lives then fair enough really - some people just have other priorities.

The difficulty comes (and we’re in the same boat) where grandparents have an expectation of seeing their DGC regularly and profess to want a close relationship with them, but don’t want to help out or do any practical work. My parents sound quite similar to yours - they live locally and say they want to see DD all the time, but all meet ups are entirely on their terms, so we end up at the garden centre they wanted to visit anyway, or the cafe they always go to which doesn’t cater for kids. All suggestions of the zoo, or soft play, or the park are met with horror. There are no concessions made for the fact that DD is only 4. Basically they want to show her off, buy her stuff, coo over photos with their friends - but don’t want to actually ‘help’ as such.

It’s annoying (and a bit sad, because I think DD is already picking up on the fact that Nana and Granddad aren’t that invested in her) but it is what it is, and my parents won’t change now.

Dibbydoos · 03/02/2022 21:50

I've spent years of my adult life not talking to my DM because of her behaviour. I used to make a 250mile round trip with my DCs when tgey were toddlers to pick up my dad so they could spend time seeing him. Ihad to take us to restaurants for tge privilege too.

So my parents haven't had much yo do with my or my DBs kids. My DM has spent a lot of time and money on my DSs kids though so 2 of her grandkids have had a lot of time/effort. The other 7 haven't!
It never bothered me, I paid my childminder to have tge kids overnight once or twice. Cost a fortune but they were in a happy place.

girafferafferaffe · 03/02/2022 21:51

I always swear I'll never be like this with my dd if she decides she wants children. I have very hands off gps too.

FruitToast · 03/02/2022 21:54

On the rare occassion that my parents look after my children then yes they take them out for the day, or put them to bed so we can go for a meal and we do meet them places etc. However, we live a couple of hours away from them, so we don't expect childcare at all and they are practically raising my niece and nephew, so my DC play second fiddle to them.

Kite22 · 03/02/2022 21:58

I was very put off you by your title too.
It makes you sound incredibly entitled and demanding.

"Put the effort in" ?? Hmm Really ?

You even make it sound like there is some sort of expectation that Grandparents are 'expected' to host sleepovers like they are going to be fun. Ypu are trying to feign surprise that it is, of course hard work and therefore yes, it is a "big inconvenience". You have very different expectations from many of us.

So yes, YABVVVU

In your examples, of course you should make it as easy as you can for anyone who is doing you a favour - why wouldn't you ?

Bouledeneige · 03/02/2022 21:59

My Mum only looked after my baby DD for 1 hour. Ever. Never both my DC. She did look after my eldest sister's children but she just felt it was too much by the time I had children. Fair enough. My MIL took them both for several days at a time and was older than my Ma.

I loved my Mum. She was the best Mum in the world and none of this changes that. She's no longer with us. They were my children and my responsibility. I never resented her for one minute. She brought up 4 children and absolutely did her bit. She didn't owe us all to do it all over again. She really was quite worn out - bless her.

Before you criticise check in with yourself whether you think you will be doing it all over again at a greater age. Little children are exhausting if you're older.

HotWaterAndLemon · 03/02/2022 21:59

I totally hear you. When my children were younger we got no help. No real support. If we took them to the GP’s they would see them but there was never any offer of babysitting or childcare or even ‘hey we’d love to take them to the zoo’ or the park or to feed the ducks. Nothing.

Now, however our children are older, easier, interesting individuals. Now the GP’s are older, less able and more lonely. All of a sudden we get loads of invites. To go for a coffee (if we drive). To have a walk (if we help them). To have them over to ours for dinner (if we cook).

You get the gist. We do it because at the end of the day, they are our family and we want our children to remember a nice relationship with them but I’ll admit on here that I feel resentful. There were times when I was on my knees with exhaustion. Now the hard bit is behind us and there’s something in it for them, the phone rings a lot.