Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

448 replies

TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 21:05

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:
Ragwort · 03/02/2022 22:01

Agree with a PP, if they are living with your grandmother, are they caring for her? It sounds as though their life is pretty full. No one 'owes' you childcare ... do you offer to go and sit with your grandmother to give them a break, or take grandmother out ?

TheLadySif · 03/02/2022 22:01

I can understand grandparents not wanting to give regular childcare whilst the parents work but the odd couple of hours or an overnight can be a positive experience.

Fretfulmum · 03/02/2022 22:03

I really feel for everyone whose parents aren’t involved much with their grandkids. It’s about helping your family, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that, but spending time together and having a bond is so special. Kids can learn so much from GPs.
My parents would never see it as “effort” to spend time with their grandkids. They do it because they want to, they enjoy their grandkids company and they want to also help me out as their DD.

booplefloof · 03/02/2022 22:07

Erm... ShockHmm.

theadultsaretalking · 03/02/2022 22:10

Maybe it is a cultural thing, but now that I live in the UK and in a different country from my very elderly mum, her biggest regret is that she can't be around to help us with the kids.

I am also fully expecting to be as hands on as I can with my grandchildren, even though I am not getting any help myself and managing just fine due to circumstance.

This attitude that grandparents don't owe us anything just baffles me. Of course they don't, but it's nice to be an active part of a larger family unit, isn't it?

itbereet · 03/02/2022 22:10

Neither parents are bothered or interested. I tried so hard to involve them, especially my in-laws as they are 20 minutes down the road whereas my parents are nearly 3 hours away.

I officially gave up over two years ago, then covid hit and we were all fine without their support.

The frustrating thing for me is that both sets of parents had lots of support from family with their children, but I could rant about this for hours 😉

TheLadySif · 03/02/2022 22:14

@Fretfulmum

I really feel for everyone whose parents aren’t involved much with their grandkids. It’s about helping your family, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that, but spending time together and having a bond is so special. Kids can learn so much from GPs. My parents would never see it as “effort” to spend time with their grandkids. They do it because they want to, they enjoy their grandkids company and they want to also help me out as their DD.
I totally agree with this. My mum has looked after both her grandchildren and her great grandchildren and now has a great relationship with them, being invited out on shopping trips, events, cinema and theatre trips - with or without the great grandchildren. I regularly look after my grandchildren as I like to be able to help out my daughter and stepsons.
Darbs76 · 03/02/2022 22:15

Yes I would be upset by this too. My parents helped me a lot with childcare with my eldest, then I moved 5hrs away and had 2 children with whom I’ve had a lot less help due to distance. It’s nice to have help from grandparents and no it’s not expected but if you can’t help your kids out who can you? I can’t wait to have grandchildren and they will most definitely be welcome for sleepovers if that’s what the parents want

user1471538283 · 03/02/2022 22:18

My DF actively spent time with my DS. He loved to take him places with or without me. He would pick him up and drop him anywhere. He took him on holidays. My DS adored him and they had a wonderful relationship.

My DM never once spent any time with just DS. Her visits were all about her. They never had a relationship.

booplefloof · 03/02/2022 22:21

@Fretfulmum @TheLadySif I understand the sentiment but my SIL had 8 kids as a single parent from the age of 17. Which meant when DH and his DB got married and had DC, my PIL were too knackered/uninterested to play any part. Thankfully the other set of grandparents were very willing and involved GPS. (Due to distance there is nothing as regular as weekly childcare but very active in Daily life due to FaceTime etc).

What I have learnt is expect nothing and the GP's will reap what they sow.

saraclara · 03/02/2022 22:23

There are two different parts to this.
YABU to expect them to do childcare and 'put in the effort' in that regard. The title of your OP made you sound really entitled.

However, YANBU to be annoyed that you always have to visit them, and they won't ever come to you or join you for outings. If they feel that once a week isn't enough to see their GPs, then why are they not coming to you or taking up invitations?

sanityisamyth · 03/02/2022 22:23

Neither of my parents have ever offered, and I have never asked for, any sort of childcare. My son is not their responsibility. My mother was also a fucking useless mother so I wouldn't want her looking after my child anyway!

3scape · 03/02/2022 22:23

I'm in the - they're grandparents, they've got their own lives, they don't owe you camp. They also sound like they don't have the energy levels to be caring for children.

Children and grandparents very rarely get anything out of it.

DarleneSnell · 03/02/2022 22:24

I get you, OP. That's shit. PILs don't work, are local, fit and well, but NEVER help out, ever. Want to see the kids but only if we're there too, so as well as never watching the kids to allow us to run an errand or (heaven forbid!) have a break - we have to host at ours for weekend or evening visits. Considering I work FT I do resent it.

Obviously nobody is "owed" childcare, and a regular commitment is different. But the odd babysit/favour from the kids' own grandparents isn't much to ask! You don't stop being THEIR child just because you have your own. I like to think I'd always want to help my kids if I can.

Chilledchablis1 · 03/02/2022 22:24

I simply don’t get these threads . I don’t understand the whole “ they’re your children, deal with it “ . I am a Granny to 2 amazing grandchildren and help whenever I can . I have them overnight and help out with childcare when I can . All my friends are the same and we all enjoy it . It enhances our lives .
If I were you I would stop the regular visits , don’t be so available .
I feel disappointed for you .

CafeConLechePorFavor · 03/02/2022 22:25

Mine are the same. It's shit.

DragonMovie · 03/02/2022 22:25

I find the defensiveness of some people around this really interesting. Of course GPs don’t owe anyone childcare but if we took that attitude about everything there would be no such thing as family. We don’t owe our elderly relatives visits either, or care as they get older, and when my sister in law asks me to look after her tiny baby for a break, I could tell her that I don’t owe her anything, and when my brother asks to borrow my washing machine because his is broken, I could say the same thing… but we don’t do that. The OP isn’t saying she expects some sort of regular nannying which I agree would be a huge and unfair expectation. Just that the GPs act like family occasionally and make a bit of an effort to enjoy the grandkids and maybe even once in a while do their mum a favour.

poisonivy29 · 03/02/2022 22:27

I don't think yabu.

I have very hands on parents to my 3 children. They have a fantastic relationship, this sleepover once a week and we see them at least twice a week as standard. Obviously that is fostered by my very close relationship with them though.

My husbands parents however are the total opposite. We do not see FIL, and we see MIL every couple of months now, and it's always us going to her (hence why it's not every couple of months because husband had a 'sod this' moment when everything was one way)

The kids don't have a relationship with her. She is Nanny 'name' and always gets annoyed that it's not just Nanny, however that's my mum. Their actual nanny who plays with them, and has an interest in their lives beyond the fake Facebook posts MIL puts up pretending she has any sort of relationship with them.

So I don't think yabu, especially considering they say they don't see your children enough. That's on them.

Goneblank38 · 03/02/2022 22:28

I think you know who they are now, so you need to adjust your expectations of them and find different childcare.

I'd be cutting down the weekly visits though. Not in a spiteful way, but because it doesn't suit you. Invite them to things that benefit the kids and let them make their choices.

echt · 03/02/2022 22:37

Your parents are already looking after your grandmother 24/7, so that may well affect their willingness to leave their home, as well as their bandwidth of coping.

Possible Covid concerns?

You say "our family", so why isn't your OH assisting in your appointment?

WulyJmpr · 03/02/2022 22:41

We don't get help with ours from either side of the family. It's really hard. We love our children but to never get an evening out with my husband is rather sad.

Far from make me determined not to help out my kids with theirs, when the time comes, rather I will be delighted. Both to spend time getting to know my gorgeous grandchildren and also because I know how much it will be treasured by the parents.

So valuable and such a treat. And such a small thing for a grandparent to help with in their retirement.

Original poster
TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 22:41

To add my grandmother does not need any assistance. My Grandmother has lived with my Mother for decades.

OP posts:
Livpool · 03/02/2022 22:41

@3scape

I'm in the - they're grandparents, they've got their own lives, they don't owe you camp. They also sound like they don't have the energy levels to be caring for children. Children and grandparents very rarely get anything out of it.
I disagree- my DS has great relationships with my DPs and PIL. They all get something out of it
Mischance · 03/02/2022 22:44

I think the "not put the effort in" is a rather unfortunate way of expressing it.

Silverswirl · 03/02/2022 22:47

@TulipVictory

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

You could literally be me. Exactly the same here except they say they never see the grandkids but won’t come out anywhere. We go and sit in their house and they get annoyed that their 3 grandkids are being loud and making noise. Erm yes, you have 3 kids stuck inside a house. The couple of times they have offered to have the kids, I’ve come back and they have really told the kids off for very minor things and said how naughty / messy they’ve been. I won’t let them look after them now even if they did offer.