Page 4 | Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

Kite22 · 03/02/2022 22:47

@DragonMovie

I find the defensiveness of some people around this really interesting. Of course GPs don’t owe anyone childcare but if we took that attitude about everything there would be no such thing as family. We don’t owe our elderly relatives visits either, or care as they get older, and when my sister in law asks me to look after her tiny baby for a break, I could tell her that I don’t owe her anything, and when my brother asks to borrow my washing machine because his is broken, I could say the same thing… but we don’t do that. The OP isn’t saying she expects some sort of regular nannying which I agree would be a huge and unfair expectation. Just that the GPs act like family occasionally and make a bit of an effort to enjoy the grandkids and maybe even once in a while do their mum a favour.

I agree with your actions and attitude DragonMovie and I live my life the same - if I can give someone a lift, I do. If I can take someone round some fruit from my garden, or a crumble I've made, I do. If SiL asks if I can look after her dc, I do. If someone needs a lift to hospital, I'd take them. If I can lend someone something I'm not using, I would - indeed, I give things away quite often. BUT that isn't what the OP asked. The reason I voted she is BU, is the entitlement. The criticism they are "not putting the effort in" . It is that which is unreasonable - the "demanding" tone, not the actual amount of help, which of course is going to be influenced by all sorts of things (age, health, it sounds like potential caring responsibilities, energy levels, what the OPs dc are like, etc etc).

billy1966 · 03/02/2022 22:47

OP,

You don't owe them a visit every week, just like they don't owe you childcare.

Suit yourself, just like they do.

StellaGibs · 03/02/2022 22:49

I will always find it weird that people expect their parents to be childcare. They're grandparents not babysitters.

However, I do find it's an older person thing that they expect you to come to them.

Silverswirl · 03/02/2022 22:54

@3scape

I'm in the - they're grandparents, they've got their own lives, they don't owe you camp. They also sound like they don't have the energy levels to be caring for children. Children and grandparents very rarely get anything out of it.

God I totally disagree. Did you never have a grandma / Nan who you felt was the most special caring safe person? Who you loved being comforted by? Who would sit and listen to you when your own mother was too busy or stressed with siblings or work? My grandmother looked after me a lot as a child when my mum was busy and as a teen I had the most wonderful relationship with her which I treasure the memories of to this day. The place i felt safe calm comforted and loved. So I’m sorry but saying ‘the child nor the grandparent gets much out of it’ is total bollocks and I feel a bit sad that you didn’t experience this.

EezyOozy · 03/02/2022 22:57

You're not allowed to expect any sort of help from grandparents on MN OP.

Shmithecat2 · 03/02/2022 22:58

No one is 'owed' childcare. But its a shame that your dm doesn't want to help more. Both my parents and PILs would help at any time if they possibly could. YANBU to feel frustrated.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2022 22:59

@TulipVictory

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

The sleepover incident - in what way was that a sleepover for the children? They were in their own beds in their own house, and presumably no little friends there? So you wanted your parents to sleep at your house - were you going to be there or not? I presume not, in which case you were asking your parents to babysit overnight for you, but at your house. So not just taking care of the children, but having to pack overnight bags, sleep in a bed they might not find comfortable, not have their own stuff around them. Yep, that's inconvenient for them.

The appointment incident - was it a big deal for you to pick her up? Why not drop the children to her then come back after your appointment? You picking her up seems more rational than two cars driving when one would do. Again, I'm confused.

Her preference that you visit her home rather than meeting you at a park is a bit rigid, but I wouldn't call that a 'childcare' scenario either way.

Maybe you've just picked bad examples?

MarceyMc · 03/02/2022 23:00

I knew what kind of replies you would get as soon as I started reading this but I honestly find it strange when grandparents don't want to actively be a part of their grandchildren's lives. Some of my happiest memories from childhood are of staying at GP's, going on days out, even holidays with them. We had a fantastic relationship and I count myself lucky that my little one now has a similar relationship with our parents, it's so lovely to see. We don't like to leave her often as we both work full-time so weekends are precious but neither sets of GP's would think twice about helping us out if we asked. From what you have described I don't see that you're 'demanding childcare' from your parents and it's a shame they don't want to take a more active role, particularly if they are complaining that they don't see your DC enough

EezyOozy · 03/02/2022 23:02

I find the defensiveness of some people around this really interesting. Of course GPs don’t owe anyone childcare but if we took that attitude about everything there would be no such thing as family. We don’t owe our elderly relatives visits either, or care as they get older, and when my sister in law asks me to look after her tiny baby for a break, I could tell her that I don’t owe her anything, and when my brother asks to borrow my washing machine because his is broken, I could say the same thing… but we don’t do that.

Exactly.

It's a very MN phenomenon : "well, they don't owe you anything"!

It's a bit like when someone posts being slightly miffed that everyone has forgotten their birthday, and they get told off because on MN it's ridiculous to expect anyone to care that it's your birthday.

IrishMama2015 · 03/02/2022 23:14

@DragonMovie

I find the defensiveness of some people around this really interesting. Of course GPs don’t owe anyone childcare but if we took that attitude about everything there would be no such thing as family. We don’t owe our elderly relatives visits either, or care as they get older, and when my sister in law asks me to look after her tiny baby for a break, I could tell her that I don’t owe her anything, and when my brother asks to borrow my washing machine because his is broken, I could say the same thing… but we don’t do that. The OP isn’t saying she expects some sort of regular nannying which I agree would be a huge and unfair expectation. Just that the GPs act like family occasionally and make a bit of an effort to enjoy the grandkids and maybe even once in a while do their mum a favour.

Totally agree with everything you wrote @DragonMovie. It's not anything that grandparents are OBLIGED to do but people should surely be allowed feel sad/disappointed/a loss when they see what other kids have with their GPs when they don't have that support or extra help. Historically extended family was the 'village' that helped people raise heir kids. Only nowadays it's formalised as 'childcare' when spoken about

Dreambigger · 03/02/2022 23:21

Yep it's annoying. Mine are a lot worse than this. And 12 years on they aren't involved at all. It's sad but I would stop expecting anything and create boundaries around visiting. It won't change....

Imonaspendingban · 03/02/2022 23:25

My mother was very good at giving the impression she did a lot for my lot and was very involved in their upbringing

The reality was she was bloody useless

She babysat once-only because she was pressured into it by her mate so I could take the others to the pantomime

I once rang her in a blind panic as my son broke his arm and I had to get him to a&e

I got told to fuck off-I was lying that he’d fallen and no my father and brothers couldn’t do it either

Once it was proved he had broken his arm and had to stay in overnight her tune changed

She went to pick him up from hospital (I didn’t know she had) and took him back to hers to show everyone what a bad mother I was for allowing him out on his bike (that she’d bought him,charged me twice the price and she knew it was dangerous-the brakes didn’t work)
I only knew she had him when my mate rang me as I was setting off to pick him up

She then didn’t speak to us for weeks until the next drama

She’d take all the credit if one of mine did something good (like one got a poem published or another won an award)

If they did something wrong then it was all my fault (like the time two of mine got caught shoplifting-she told the police that I’d taught them well-even the kids where like ‘what?mum doesn’t steal’)

I’m now nc

gogohm · 03/02/2022 23:26

My kids have seen exh's mum around a dozen times throughout their entire childhood, they live 30 miles away. She had the cheek to say that since we split she hasn't seen dd1, we only split 3 years ago when dd was 20! She doesn't get that dd had no relationship so can't be bothered

EatYourVegetables · 03/02/2022 23:31

YANBU.

But this is MN, or perhaps the UK. You will be told that the GPs have done their childcare and never need to see a nappy or a sleeping child again.

Just keep it in mind if said GPs start moaning about growing old, needing help etc.

ufucoffee · 03/02/2022 23:32

When they say they don't see them enough why don't you say 'You will if you come to visit us every week'

pollyglot · 04/02/2022 07:22

*YANBU.

But this is MN, or perhaps the UK. You will be told that the GPs have done their childcare and never need to see a nappy or a sleeping child again.

Just keep it in mind if said GPs start moaning about growing old, needing help etc.*

So what do you suggest when the GP are/is still working a full-time job, and need/s some down time and rest? Is there an obligation to give up work in order to meet the demands of the adult children? I was contacted by my ex-DIL, still married to my DS at the time, and told that I owed them 120 hours of childcare. I was working a 60-hour week, and not even in the same country. Where did she get the figure of 120 hours? Who knows. The entitlement was simply stunning.

Bouledeneige · 04/02/2022 07:35

I do think it sounds like entitlement to expect childcare from parents. You definitely don’t have to visit every week - maybe go every couple of weeks. It’s what I used to do and I enjoyed going to my Mum’s as I didn’t really have to do anything - we got fed and looked after.

I’ve been thinking about it as I’m very close with my daughter and would love to be involved with her and her kids in the future. We’ve talked about it. But I also realise the timing. I’ve worked full time most of my life in high pressure jobs and will be coming up to retirement within 10 years. That could be around the time when she might have kids. Much as I love her and I know I will live my grandkids - I will also want to enjoy my first years of retirement. So I don’t want to be expected to do childcare - for example as a regular 2 or 3 days a week thing - but I will want to be involved in her life. If she wants me to and it’s possible - that we live close enough to each other.

I don’t mind that my DD expects me to be involved. But I never expected it if my parents. I had very little help except paid for childcare - and that was okay. I did a great job and still loved my darling Mum.

Cherish your parents for what they already did for you. Dedicating their life to bringing you up. But stand on your own two feet. They don’t owe you anything. You owe them gratitude - and before long you may need to care for them. With love.

echt · 04/02/2022 07:40

@EatYourVegetables

YANBU.

But this is MN, or perhaps the UK. You will be told that the GPs have done their childcare and never need to see a nappy or a sleeping child again.

Just keep it in mind if said GPs start moaning about growing old, needing help etc.

And keep it mind when they cut you out of their Will. I hate this squinny-eyed tit for tat argument come every bloody time GPs and childcare come up.

So what the the OP's OH doing in all this?

echt · 04/02/2022 07:40

Hell's bells. Sorry for the typos.

ManicPixie · 04/02/2022 07:46

My mum helps out a lot because she’ll take any excuse to be with our DCs. I feel sincerely sorry for anyone with parents who don’t feel that compulsion.

Arabellla · 04/02/2022 07:50

@echt it’s not tit for tat, it’s you reap what you sow.

Missey85 · 04/02/2022 07:51

I hate to break it to you but your parents don't exist so you get free childcare ☺

Arabellla · 04/02/2022 07:54

@Missey85

I hate to break it to you but your parents don't exist so you get free childcare ☺

And yet they moan to OP that weekly visits are not enough.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 04/02/2022 07:55

I get where your coming from op and it is a shame grandparents don’t want to help out more . You will get people that will say they don’t have to provide childcare and you should pay for it . I think family should help out but there is a balance . Your idea of childcare may be different to theirs . I had a friend when my dc were young and her parents had the dc every weekend which was great for them and the grandparents lives revolved around dgc but not everyone is like that . A lot parents are working longer now so frankly don’t have the energy to have grandchildren after work . The odd appointment or overnight stay seems fine . I’d discuss it with your parents ask if they can help out occasionally once a month say tell them how you feel . If they simply don’t want to not a great deal you can do but yanbu to be upset .

Kartoffelnpie · 04/02/2022 07:58

My PILs are like this. They moan about not seeing their GC but then basically want them to be presented to them at their house regularly. They don’t have any age appropriate toys (just baby toys) and want to do big meals etc which my DC aren’t interested in. They don’t like going anywhere child friendly. Once my MIL came to a farm with us and left after an hour saying she’d had enough. I imagine she tells her friends they’re really involved etc and shows them photos that we have sent them. 🤷‍♀️ She babysat my eldest once for 2 hours and that was it.

It’s tough OP but it is what it is and I doubt it will change.