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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

448 replies

TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 21:05

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:

FranklyMyBeer · 06/02/2022 08:55

@mussymummy

I agree with you totally but never ask a question like this as you will get the mumsnet brigade telling you that you are not owed childcare and how very dare you ever ever expect a grandparent to ever have your child to help you out. Utter bollocks

It's not utter bollocks, it's just different families. Awfully judgey of many on here. And very dismissive towards those who have had to get on with parenting without GP help and still somehow manage to love and respect their own parents (despite how shit you clearly think they are)

shivawn · 06/02/2022 08:55

My parents are great childcare wise, they take him for a few hours every weekend so we can have a date night. They'll take him 2 days a week when I go back to work too and we're currently arguing about this because I'm determined to pay what nursery would charge me but they won't accept the money.

I could never leave him with them overnight however because he is such a terrible sleeper. I'd feel so guilty letting anyone get up multiple times a night to him. He's only 4 months old though so maybe someday...

MondeoFan · 06/02/2022 09:07

My parents don't help at all and never have. They were only 55 when I had my first baby.

I went into hospital for a day operation and my parents took my 2 DC out for the day - from roughly 8.30 - 4pm. They took them to a local town and bought them an ice cream each. Not even any lunch even though it was over a lunch time.

The only they ever looked after them.
They have never had them to sleep over even though they have a 3 bed house.

They send birthday money, send Xmas presents and buy an Easter egg and that's about it. No childcare or even phone them on their birthdays.
It's got to the stage now where I wouldn't want them to.

Retisestress · 06/02/2022 09:26

@Gagagardener

Have not read tft. But I feel very sad at some of it. How do you younger mothers who need help think you will behave when it's your turn? I hope you will remember how you wished GPs wd help, and do what you can kindly rather than saying 'I never had any help; get on with it.' Even when they are adult, your offspring remain your children! My grandmother came to look after us as children when my mother dislocated a shoulder. My mother came to look after me when she was in her 80s and I had a leg in plaster. So when one of my daughters needs help, I go. I put out what I got in, I suppose. And I'm sure lots of families are similar to mine.,

Yep agree 100% ! You reap what you sow . My children’s grandmothers both helped out in a crisis and I will always do the same for my grandchildren.

Chocomelon · 06/02/2022 09:29

I can see both sides. It would be nice if they helped but you can't expect them to if they don't want to. They're your children. You need to make it work. Sorry to sound harsh but the number of friends I have who complain their parents / in laws don't do "enough".

Ifeellikedancing · 06/02/2022 09:32

My parents don't do any childcare at all. My dad barely even sees his grandson, maybe once or twice a year if you are lucky.

pollypokcet · 06/02/2022 10:54

@speakout

what’s the point in having a family if you aren’t interested in supporting each other, forming relationships or doing each other the occasional favour?

Many families dont work like that.

I have cousins, aunts. uncles and no idea where they even live.
I haven't spoken to my sister for 6 years, we don't even send birthday cards and I don;t know her mobile number.
I can;t remember my mother ever doing me any favours- in fact she thinks I owe her for giving birth to me and caring for me as a child.
At 18 that was it- no support, financial or emotional.
Not every family is like the Waltons.

This is my experience too, but it's not the ideal, which is their point. It's not desirable, it's an unfortunate scenario.

nopuppiesallowed · 06/02/2022 14:18

We lived hours away from both sets of grandparents for most of their lives, but my parents and in laws were fantastic - always willing to drop everything and coming to help if necessary. They had a wonderful relationship with our children and the kids loved all 4. Now I'm a gran and until Covid my grandchildren were welcome to bring friends over and to stay the night etc. I have regular shopping trips with them (I give them £10 but it's a bit elastic) and we have a drink and a cake as well. My husband and I play football with the boys (not very well!) and the girls join in or paint fingernails. I don't feel our children owe us anything and we don't owe them anything - but we have mutual love and respect for each other. Not everyone can physically look after their grandchildren and not everyone enjoys the early years but I consider it a privilege and hope we are laying down a good relationship which will last.

nopuppiesallowed · 06/02/2022 14:28

And I'm sorry if I sound like something from the Waltons ( no sarcasm here, honest!). I just feel that we are immensely blessed. My maternal gran and my parents and in laws were a great example. My paternal grandparents (who didn't like me much) were not such great examples.

speakout · 06/02/2022 17:16

notppysocks It sounds lovely.
All our parents except my mother died before I had kids, and she is not very interested. No grandparents at all.
And yes it sounds lovely.
My kids have no aunts, uncles or cousins who have any intereest.

Cutemob · 06/02/2022 20:34

My parents are like this- decidedly uninterested, even though we moved back to my home town to be nearer to them once we were married and settling down. They have however helped out my brother with his kids and my sister with hers. Not interested in ours, and it really stings. As PP said earlier though, I have promised myself that I will never do this to my children when it's my turn to be grandma. I may not be able to do it all but I will do what I can, remembering how hard the early years are and how much i needed the support, and always be as fair as possible. I could never imagine behaving in such a hurtful way towards my kids when I know how it feels.

Mary46 · 06/02/2022 21:06

I know cutemob. I find the hurtful ways not nice. My mother is mean to the kids box biscuits xmas then wonders why nobody wants to visit. Families a joke at times. !! But yes a bit of help is nice op. Hard when u see other families close

lezzlie · 08/02/2022 10:06

That's right, they don't owe you anything, your kids, your responsibility.

Kanfuzed123 · 08/02/2022 17:40

@lezzlie

That's right, they don't owe you anything, your kids, your responsibility.

True but don’t you think it’s a bit of a case of you reap what you sow.

You can’t expect a close relationship with GC if you don’t invest in it, and likewise can’t really expect your kids to help you out and take care of you in old age if you refuse to lend them a hand even occasionally

Waddlegoose · 09/02/2022 09:40

@Chocomelon

I completely agree with you, we shouldn’t expect anything from our parents. But I think some GP forget it works both ways.

They also shouldn’t expect help in old age and for their family not to be that close.

I see this is the same as every relationship, family doesn’t mean you are entitled to anything however if you offer to help people they tend to help you back.

JudgeJ · 09/02/2022 11:10

I wonder how many of these reluctant grandparents have read some of the vitriol poured on in-laws, especially 'her' inlaws, and are worried about making some error which will result in their 'children' going NC? There have been some amazing threads where the grandparents have had to observe how she wants things done before they have care of the child despite having reared their own family to the extent that she now lives with one!

Mary46 · 09/02/2022 11:40

Yes its nice if you get help. Depends on parents ages too. I dont do alot for my mam as we didnt get help over the years. It works both ways) kids are closer to my husband mother

OlympicProcrastinator · 09/02/2022 11:59

I have the same with my parents and I see lots of posters saying they don’t owe you childcare.

Fine.

But if they are anything like my ageing parents they’ll soon start worrying about their own care as they become elderly, worrying about whether they need to go into a home etc. We reap what we sow.

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 10/02/2022 13:30

The wording of the post could have been better but I fully understand the gist.

I don't need parents or in-laws for 'childcare' as I pay for that 11 years so far....another 7 to go.
But a little help when I'm desperate wouldn't go amiss.
I'd just started a new job, had taken 2 days off in my second week for DD vomiting. 2 weeks later another vomiting bug and as my DH was working away that week and I didn't think I could take any more time off in my probation, I asked my mum. She hummed and hawed.....eventually agreed to come through. Made me feel horrifically guilty for asking tho.
The part that stings is, we saw more of her when we had no kids. She plays the doting granny to friends and family but doesn't make any effort to see them. Spends loads of time with grown up niece (hour round trip to see her) but never offers to come to us.
DH and I have never been out alone for 12 years. Recently we've been out with friends whose daughter babysat for us. I accept that because when we chose to have kids, they were our responsibility. In-laws have offered to come and stay over to let us go out which we've always said no to cos it's a long trip for them just to give us a night out and we want to spend time with them if they visit.

Long trip for both sets of parents so they always stay at ours and we have a bedroom for them.

My kids, my responsibility but when I never ask for help, you'd think they realise it was desperate for me to ask.
It makes me sad she doesn't want to be involved in person but I ensure we FaceTime weekly so the kids get to see her regularly.

Kenwouldmixitup · 10/02/2022 13:41

We never had any help from GPs either side. They missed out on so much. I see my friends now who are GPs who have such a joyful reciprocated bond. Whilst there are boundaries and I think their children don’t understand how much they benefit from the input, I feel an enormous sense of ‘why would you miss out on that’.

My grandmother died when I was 4 and I still get emotional when I think about her such was my bond with her. GPs are an integral part of the fabric of our lives. I would say to inactive GPs - step up. And those who have involved GPs - you are blessed. Don’t take it for granted. To both, simultaneously- enjoy, it’s a gift.

Lampzade · 11/02/2022 15:00

The selfish GPs (who can’t be bothered to do occasional childcare ) are the first ones to complain when the GC get older and can’t be bothered with them.
You definitely reap what you sow

Mary46 · 11/02/2022 15:31

Yes lamp agree. Hard when they dont show much interest in your kids. Then wonder why minimal visits. Its hard

Kanfuzed123 · 11/02/2022 19:22

@JudgeJ

But @JudgeJ of course if you’re looking after children you should follow the parents wishes, it seems absurd that anyone would want to do otherwise.

If I babysat my friends children I’d follow their wishes, car seat wise, food wise, bedtime wise and general parenting style wise… it’s basic courtesy. Why would anyone want to impose their parenting style onto children that aren’t their own.

There’s a comment to be made here about how ‘she’ is living with the culmination of MIL parenting and the result being far from perfect here.

You sound like you have issues with your daughter in law and you’re taking issue with her parenting style and think yours is better

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