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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

448 replies

TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 21:05

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:
Fivebyfive2 · 04/02/2022 15:31

I know what yiu man op! I don't expect my mil to do childcare, but it would be nice if she'd do more with us/ds instead of just wanting us around her house every weekend. She goes out loads for meals, classes etc so it's not a covid /anxiety thing at all. She also says she'd like to see more of him but when we invite her to join us even at the park, it's apparently too much and asks us to bring him to her flat instead. But dh and I work so weekends we want to take ds out wnd it's a struggle to fit things in sometimes.

DragonMovie · 04/02/2022 16:18

@Kite22 I actually agree with you that the language of the title is particularly entitled-sounding. The use of the word “childcare” with “not putting in the effort” is definitely jarring. However, what she then described in her post was more about wanting the GPs to spend quality time with the kids doing things the kids might like rather than childcare, so I ended up being more on the OPs side than I expected to be on reading the title!

MumsTheWordFact · 04/02/2022 17:51

We're in the same boat. Rarely if ever contacted. They will look after the children if you ask but it's clear they don't want to really. We don't ask for much, which is good, because we don't get much! One day the shoe will be on the other foot. Let's hope they don't need much caring from us as they get older because I'm already warn down from childcare, the grandparents can help themselves out over there, I'll be having a well earned rest.

Blossomtoes · 04/02/2022 17:55

@ElftonWednesday

Oh stop with the condescending feeling sad and try to imagine (you obviously can’t) being almost 80. I’m ten years younger and totally knackered after a day of childcare

Then don't do it, as you clearly have a lot of resentment about it, but stop taking your bitterness out on others.

I don’t have any resentment or bitterness. I do, however, have very low tolerance of smugness and self righteousness.
Payitforward55 · 04/02/2022 18:03

YABU your parents don't have to look after YOUR children at anytime. I'm a bit gob smacked at your thoughts on this. My mother has 16 (yes 16) grandchildren she has never stayed over to look after any of them.

Mary46 · 04/02/2022 18:18

I think odd bit help wouldnt kill them!! But no point they half hearted doing it. Not easy. We always paid for help.

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 04/02/2022 18:28

I am sure that this won’t go down well but don’t GP when it’s not all the time actually ENJOY and WANT to look after their GC? Want them to stay over? Maybe depends on the child but my mum who is late 70s loves the eves my daughter stays at hers (and vice versa.) They bake, watch tv with popcorn, do crafty things, paint each other’s nails and so on. My mother loves that time and would be mortified if I said DD couldn’t stay again. And of course we then get some time. It’s a genuine win win.

Is that such an odd approach for a GP?!

Payitforward55 · 04/02/2022 18:29

@MumsTheWordFact

We're in the same boat. Rarely if ever contacted. They will look after the children if you ask but it's clear they don't want to really. We don't ask for much, which is good, because we don't get much! One day the shoe will be on the other foot. Let's hope they don't need much caring from us as they get older because I'm already warn down from childcare, the grandparents can help themselves out over there, I'll be having a well earned rest.
Maybe this is how they felt when they were rasing their children looking forward to a rest not more childcare.
Redarrow2017 · 04/02/2022 18:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Payitforward55 · 04/02/2022 18:32

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes

I am sure that this won’t go down well but don’t GP when it’s not all the time actually ENJOY and WANT to look after their GC? Want them to stay over? Maybe depends on the child but my mum who is late 70s loves the eves my daughter stays at hers (and vice versa.) They bake, watch tv with popcorn, do crafty things, paint each other’s nails and so on. My mother loves that time and would be mortified if I said DD couldn’t stay again. And of course we then get some time. It’s a genuine win win.

Is that such an odd approach for a GP?!

Yes definitely some do. My mother in law would actually fret if she didn't see her grandchildren very often. My own parents the other extreme. They referred to a visit from the grandchildren as 'being invaded'🤣 but each to their own. I am very comfortable with both approaches.
Moversnotshakers · 04/02/2022 18:49

I'm a grandparent of 5 and I do have the eldest two (both 8)sleeping occasionally- the others are under 3. - and I do see the other gdc weekly/fortnightly sometimes at my home/sometimes at theirs. However I also just moved home, have a partner,step daughter with a baby, an elderly mother and a full time job that 1 have another 13 years to do!!! My DC understand I can't be at their beck and call and by time the time I retire my gdc will be grown up!

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 04/02/2022 18:50

Ha ha yes my Inlaws’s get invaded too!!! Or rather ‘we are used to it being quiet’ 🤣🤣🤣

MumsTheWordFact · 04/02/2022 18:57

Not really, they are only too happy to drop into the conversation all the help they got from their own parents when we were children while they decry how hard they had it.

TaraRhu · 04/02/2022 19:00

My parents love seeing their grandchildren but not looking after them. They will do an hour or so but really they visit and are guests in the house that need looked after. Very tiring.

I wish they were hands on but they aren't and weren't very hands on parents tbh. It's their choice. Some people just aren't parental. Just have to accept them for who they are as frustrating as it is.

Huntswomanonthemove · 04/02/2022 19:06

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

This ^ has given me the rage.

Huntswomanonthemove · 04/02/2022 19:10

@MulticolourTulips

I will always find it weird that people expect their parents to be childcare. They're grandparents not babysitters

One thing that strikes me on every similar thread complaining of grandparents not providing childcare, are the opposing posts where people complain that grandparents are overstepping the mark, or are always trying to help (in an apparently unnacceptable way)

The responses are always along the lines of "Distance yourself, she's had her turn being a Mum, now it's yours"

There are no winners in the grandparents league.

This is so true on Mumsnet.
ButtockUp · 04/02/2022 19:31

I don't have grandchildren but I'd always be willing to help out.
However , I'd not be prepared to stay overnight in someone else's house. I also hate driving to the point of avoidance at all times.

Clearly I'd be a shit grandmother.

Huntswomanonthemove · 04/02/2022 22:04

@ButtockUp

I don't have grandchildren but I'd always be willing to help out. However , I'd not be prepared to stay overnight in someone else's house. I also hate driving to the point of avoidance at all times.

Clearly I'd be a shit grandmother.

It’s a terrible shame that some entitled parents can make you feel that way, and that’s before you even have any grandchildren.
intelligentPutty · 04/02/2022 23:50

Some parents /families are just shit like that. Mine are. Sounds like yours are. It's sad for not only us (the parents) but the kids too. My dd loves to see the granddad and stepmom. They offer occasionally but really aren't that bothered I think. Like they say they want to but don't ever actually offer. We have to ask.
It'd be nice if they wanted to and like actually offered. Made the effort rather than it being a chore.
I get it. And yanbu.

Chichimcgee · 04/02/2022 23:53

They don’t owe you childcare. Equally you don’t owe them a weekly visit.

Next time they say they don’t see them enough suggest they come and babysit then at the weekend or take them to the park or whatever.

My parents never had my son, they absolutely loved him and had a fantastic relationship with him because I would go and see them but they just couldn’t cope on their own with him and didn’t like to be away from home

Booklover3 · 04/02/2022 23:57

Our parents are very different. Mine are poor but would literally do anything to help, and go out go out of their way to help and do fun things with them. OH parents are quite well off and have the children but don’t really seem to do much with them when they do have them. We are very lucky though that they do have them. I don’t know how much longer the kids will want to go though. They rarely even entertain going to the park.

Booklover3 · 04/02/2022 23:59
  • and mine aren’t babies anymore either. They don’t need constantly watching
jacks11 · 05/02/2022 00:11

YABU

I think the big drip feed here is that your elderly grandmother lives with them- how much care does she need? If you think little are you 100% sure you know the extent of what they do for her? I know from experience that what family/visitors think is not always quite accurate. Have you thought that your parents don’t have the energy to do regular childcare? Or worry about leaving your dam, or about how she would cope with having the children around for prolonged periods.

You also appear to want childcare, on your terms (I.e. sleeping at your house) and in the way that suits you. The way you put it “ not putting the effort in’ makes it sound like they owe you childcare. They don’t. They might help out more, might spend more time on order to build a relationship with your children- but that is not childcare.

saraclara · 05/02/2022 00:26

@jacks11

YABU

I think the big drip feed here is that your elderly grandmother lives with them- how much care does she need? If you think little are you 100% sure you know the extent of what they do for her? I know from experience that what family/visitors think is not always quite accurate. Have you thought that your parents don’t have the energy to do regular childcare? Or worry about leaving your dam, or about how she would cope with having the children around for prolonged periods.

You also appear to want childcare, on your terms (I.e. sleeping at your house) and in the way that suits you. The way you put it “ not putting the effort in’ makes it sound like they owe you childcare. They don’t. They might help out more, might spend more time on order to build a relationship with your children- but that is not childcare.

For goodness' sake. Read the OP's posts at least. She said way back that her grandmother doesn't need any care at all, and that they've all lived together for a long time, not because she needs them.

You just look daft when you come out with the whole 'I'm so clever predicting a drip feed' when you don't actually read the thread.

ancientgran · 05/02/2022 01:09

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes

I am sure that this won’t go down well but don’t GP when it’s not all the time actually ENJOY and WANT to look after their GC? Want them to stay over? Maybe depends on the child but my mum who is late 70s loves the eves my daughter stays at hers (and vice versa.) They bake, watch tv with popcorn, do crafty things, paint each other’s nails and so on. My mother loves that time and would be mortified if I said DD couldn’t stay again. And of course we then get some time. It’s a genuine win win.

Is that such an odd approach for a GP?!

Of course it isn't odd but at the same time people vary. I have my GC around alot but my neighbours, both sides, hardly see theirs. Everyone is different.

People get tired as well, I'm nearly 70, carer for disabled DH, still work part time and I do need some down time.