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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

448 replies

TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 21:05

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:
piisnot3 · 04/02/2022 13:41

Recently visited my parents for the first time in 2 years so that grandparents & kids could see each other. distance involved requires flights, hire car and several hundred pounds. Stayed in nearby airbnb to minimise risk of covid spread. Only stayed 48 hours.
The first evening we spent a few hours in each other company. fair enough.
Next day I phoned to say I would bring the grandkids round. I was told it didn't suit because they needed to go shopping for ........ an onion.
They'd known we were coming for 2 months.

charliebear78 · 04/02/2022 13:41

I wouldn't like that.
Both our parents help out lots when asked.
My MIL comes over to ours every Sunday to see us and the kids.
My mum used to do much more but she's in her 80s now and I think it is too tiring for her(though she still does babysit etc)
We are very grateful and both boys love their grandmas(no grandads)

Cheekypeach · 04/02/2022 13:45

Dad lives abroad, mum 2 hours away & we are very low contact. MIL just down the road however, usually happy to watch DD so we can go out for the evening or sometimes overnight, has her for tea once a week or so, I’m very happy & grateful for that. She also does the odd emergency pick up from nursery.

Imyourvenus · 04/02/2022 13:46

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Bloody hate fair weather dgps. They want to tell all and sundry about their dgc but don't actually want to acknowledge sometimes a favour would be nice in the raising of them!!.

.

This
MulticolourTulips · 04/02/2022 13:46

I will always find it weird that people expect their parents to be childcare. They're grandparents not babysitters

One thing that strikes me on every similar thread complaining of grandparents not providing childcare, are the opposing posts where people complain that grandparents are overstepping the mark, or are always trying to help (in an apparently unnacceptable way)

The responses are always along the lines of "Distance yourself, she's had her turn being a Mum, now it's yours"

There are no winners in the grandparents league.

PollyPerkins87 · 04/02/2022 13:46

My parents are the same, but DH's parents are the opposite. My parents live 10 minutes away, have never had DD (3.5) to stay for a sleepover, have never offered to take her to the park / out for a walk etc. DH's family are 300+ miles away. They are flying down to us so we can have a few days away as we need them. My parents wouldn't have her for a few days, even though she will be in nursery 8-6 every day. It's very hard. We never go out. It upsets me when I see other grandparents out with their grandkids for the day.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 04/02/2022 13:49

They are flying down to us so we can have a few days away as we need them

Do you need them as an emergency has come up?
Because otherwise you'd like but you don't 'need' a few days away together.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/02/2022 13:50

[quote Hrpuffnstuff1]@ThumbWitchesAbroad

They're a very, very close family, I'm not sure if that's a Baltic thing or not.
They still live in Mrs. Hr's words 'Like they're still in WW2 or the 1940's'.
Mrs. Hr is a successful family migrant, the Alpha woman, so it's a big thing, there's a lot of wider familial expectation.
We'll definitely have to go over there at some point, I think Great, great-grandma born in 1802 is still alive.
I just don't want everybody over here at the same time. Grin[/quote]
Haha, that made me laugh about the great great grandma! Grin

Sounds like your wife will have it covered in terms of telling her ma when she needs to go home again then - let's hope so!

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 04/02/2022 13:50

And if you really 'needed' them then you'd pay a babysitter to live in your house for a few days like other people have to do when they 'need' to be somewhere. The alternative is to go separately or not go at all.

OfstedOffred · 04/02/2022 13:53

My grandparents didnt really do childcare when I was a child, no regular overnight etc. I never expected my parents to do this.

Cheekypeach · 04/02/2022 13:53

Ok so grandparents don’t ‘owe’ childcare, but if they are easily able to, isn’t it a bit shitty not to help out now and again? And vice versa - if I was able to help MIL and she needed a favour, I would happily help her. Isn’t it part of human relationships, being there for each other and supporting each other? If not then why bother having a family or close friends etc?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 04/02/2022 13:55

@Youcansaythatagainandagain

You see, I think they do. Certainly not as a daily occurrence in place of professional childcare but every now and then, as the OP describes, is perfectly reasonable to me when they live locally, and are fit and well.

Why do you think they owe childcare to their children?

What about if they had a large family of five or six children or seven children, do you think its reasonable to expect the grandparents to provide childcare too?

The average household size in the UK is 2.4 while there were 162,900 (0.6%) households in the UK with seven or more people; proportions of households containing seven or more people ranged from 0.3% in the North East of England and Wales to 1.1% in the West Midlands.

So your example is minuscule when compared to the average family.
Basically, it's not a representative example.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2022 13:58

[quote TulipVictory]@EmpressCixi that's fine but what I would like to know is do you ever actually take your grandchildren anywhere or are they just brought over to sit in your house? We have been saying this both my parents and in-laws say they would like to see us more. Never ever have we ever been on a day out with them, it is always with the expectation that we come to them, on their terms.[/quote]
I have done various levels of childcare for years and still do. We take the children out. We go out altogether as families or get all together but from time to time.

Sometimes I do wish we weren't so tied in ( I had once in a blue moon help when mine were small) because we are tied but I can't imagine not helping and leaving them all to struggle.

Monopolyiscrap · 04/02/2022 14:04

@SartresSoul

My Mum did a lot for me when I lived close to her but since we moved 30 miles away we barely see each other which is a shame. She suddenly developed a hatred of the motorway after we moved which is.. convenient? So she rarely visits and if she does see the DC we have to drop and collect so we don’t do it often. Our choice to move away I know but she sees her partner’s grandchild far more than her own which is a bit sad.
Wow! You think your mum is lying to you? Maybe she really hates motorway driving? Things people take in their stride when younger can become more difficult when older.
1forAll74 · 04/02/2022 14:11

I never had any child care from my parents or inlaws when they were all alive.both sets lived 80 miles away. I some times went to visit them all with my children.

diddl · 04/02/2022 14:12

I'm not quite sure what the point of a sleepover at yours was-or was it babysitting & then stay over rather than go home late?

Re the appointment-would it have worked to leave the kids at your Mum's or pick her up & take her to yours?

Cakeandcardio · 04/02/2022 14:13

I'm in the same boat. My mum sadly passed away but PIL don't bother with our DS. They never visit, although would always be made welcome. They do come if we make dinner etc for a specific occasion but that's it. We are always expected to go and sit in their lounge but that's the only time they see DH. So no solutions but lots of sympathy as it's so frustrating and can be so so hard.

LaChanticleer · 04/02/2022 14:29

My mother looked after my DB's children for several years (because my SiL is not a good coper and couldn't cope with her own children - she didn't work, but my DB did quite a bit more with his DC than their mother did ...) My mother did 4 afternoons a week after school care at 75. When I saw her after 6 months of this (I live on a different continent), she had aged immensely.

It was too much, but my SL told me my mother really wanted to do it; my dear mother liked doing it, but she was also put in a position where she couldn't say no. I don't think I really forgave my SiL for thinking she knew my mother better than me, and tiring my mother out (and for no payment, in cash or in kind).

Orchid876 · 04/02/2022 14:30

YABU to expect childcare from them, but YANBU to expect them to do other activities if they want to see the kids more. If I were you I'd stop going round every week and sitting in their lounge, if that's not how you'd prefer to spend your time. It's not your responsibility to facilitate their time with their grandchildren if they're not putting any effort in. I'd drop by once a month or so, then suggest other ways they can see their grandchildren, that you'd like to do, which might include a suggestion that they babysit everyone once in a while. They can't expect to see more of their grandchildren (and imo once a week is enough anyway), yet refuse to do other stuff that you suggest.

TopTabby · 04/02/2022 14:30

Afraid my dm really did use the "give my regards to the children" line.
But I'd given up on any sort of relationship between them anyway. She wasn't interested but she wasn't interested in either me, dsis or db either.
My dds are grown up now, we very rarely see her & they look on her as an old lady they see occasionally & are polite to.
I guess it's sad but I realised early on there was no point trying to force something that wasn't there.
Dsis is still trying & it's sad to see.

Witcher2020 · 04/02/2022 14:33

I think its fairly common now with people working until later in life that grandparents don't do as much in the way of childcare as maybe they used to.

2 sets of LOs grandparents floated the idea of childcare for payment to me but we opted for nursery as I knew neither set would take him to child groups etc and they hadn't thought long term with me only needing full time for a couple of years rather than the remainder period of their mortgage/retirement age meaning they would have quit work to do it and been stuffed when it stopped. However I do find it sad that everyone expects us to go to them and they never ever ask to visit us and when we do meet it has to be sat in their living room with what ever toys I bring and I spend the time feeling very stressed making sure nothing is touched that shouldn't be, stairs without baby gates aren't climbed and it puts me off visiting. I do wish time together could involve a day trip but that has been firmly rejected! Strangely I find it less stressful visiting the great grandparents who are 85+ and who love nothing more than bringing out toys they kept from their grandkids and love encouraging him to explore and play and show an interest in things!

If grandparents don't want to do childcare fine. If they don't want to do day trips etc fine but it's the expectation that some have that grandchildren should come visit them regularly when quite frankly the environment is dull and boring for a child and stressful for the parents. There needs to be some compromise!

Mary46 · 04/02/2022 14:34

No op never got help. She made big deal if asked. Now she wants people running rings round her. No thanks. I used to be envious of grannies help school mams out. I always had to pay. She was 60s when my son born he 19 now

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 04/02/2022 14:38

I think the only thing that ever comes from these threads is twofold… first all GP are different and second ultimately it’s impossible to change them. They call the shots (whether you think that’s fair or not.) They are who they are.

A good friend is currently on an all inclusive adults only holiday (long haul) for a week with her DH. Her 2 young children are with GP for the week. From the conversations I’ve had no one thinks this is a drama. Everyone is happy and my friend is v appreciative.

For other families asking a GP to take their own grandchild to the park for an hour triggers a coronary (they aren’t mine!!! I never had help!!!! I have my own life!!!! I’m not a babysitter and so on.)

Everyone’s different but you have what you have.

Pigsears · 04/02/2022 14:40

They are possibly already looking after your grandmother.

So maybe the thought of 'looking after' their grandchildren- rather than visiting and seeing the grandchildren- may not be that appealing? They may simply be exhausted and tired.

Seeing them, at theirs/ yours for a little while is very different than having them overnight and dealing with dinner, bedtime etc etc

Orchid876 · 04/02/2022 14:53

I do agree @carriebradshawwithlessshoes that it's probably not worth worrying about what the GP do or don't do, as you say, they won't change. But these GPs are turning it into an issue by complaining they don't see enough of their grandchildren, even though OP takes them over once a week. I guess the only thing to be done is ignore their complaints, and visit when the OP wants to, rather than out of obligation. Just like the GPs aren't obliged to help with childcare, the OP isn't obliged to visit every week!