Page 15 | Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

echt · 05/02/2022 01:41

[quote Arabellla]@echt it’s not tit for tat, it’s you reap what you sow.[/quote]
That is Tita for tat.

echt · 05/02/2022 01:45

@TulipVictory

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

Couldn't your OH have taken annual leave?

PawnAgain · 05/02/2022 05:17

Don't think you're unreasonable to want them to help or do more sometimes. My parents are amazing with my DC and I'm so grateful.

But I do think your examples are off. I wouldn't expect my parent to stay over at my house, I'd make sure DC could go to theirs. And I certainly would pick them up (or just drop my DC off at theirs) if they were helping me go to an appointment, I'd never expect them to meet me there and sit in my car.

StarCourt · 05/02/2022 05:29

Growing up I always had sleepovers at my DGP's but both sets of DD's DGP's live abroad so we've never had help

Arabellla · 05/02/2022 06:40

@echt by your logic, no one would ever face any consequences for their actions,

Frozentoes2 · 05/02/2022 17:38

YANBU

I actually believe there is an unspoken rule that grandparents DO owe you childcare! In the same way that you will owe them help when they get old and need it. It’s called supporting your family.

I’m not talking about a full time nanny arrangement but the odd favour or break for you - of course! Pretty mean spirited of them to say no and pretty selfish to expect you to always come to them.

Huntswomanonthemove · 05/02/2022 17:49

I actually believe there is an unspoken rule that grandparents DO owe you childcare!

Yes your parents did owe you childcare and that's what they did when you were a child. This idea that grandparents do owe you childcare, seems to be the modern way of thinking. When my children were small, my parents were off seeing the world in their campervan, yet when they became elderly I was there for them, as they had cared for me when I was a child.

Parents today are so fucking entitled.

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 17:55

@Huntswomanonthemove well said

TheCountessOfGrantham · 05/02/2022 17:55

My parents do absolutely fuck all where their grandchildren are concerned. I've asked a few times for their help. Notably, my honeymoon, which was a weekend away. Oh no, neither of them could do that. They're only in their 50s!

Frozentoes2 · 05/02/2022 18:09

Bet some of the grandparents on here who think they shouldn’t have to help out with childcare will expect loads of help from their children when they have old age related issues. You know, because families are supposed to HELP each other out... how would they feel if their kids simply said “I don’t owe you anything?”

It’s really really sad that some see looking after their grandchildren as a chore. How miserable. I would hate if my parents felt like this - they can’t get enough!

affairsofdragons · 05/02/2022 18:13

Stop going to their house. Seriously. Just stop. Until they've done some of the heavy lifting to see them.

Tell them they're welcome to meet you at X, Y or Z at weekends, and if they won't, say, 'What a shame, maybe next week.'

YABU to expect childcare, though. If they're willing to do it at theirs, then suck it up and do it that way. That's on you.

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 18:15

Bet some of the grandparents on here who think they shouldn’t have to help out with childcare will expect loads of help from their children when they have old age related issues.

I cared for my parents at the end because they cared for me. It’s ok for grandparents to want their own life, they raised their kids and should be allowed to live without expectations of child care put upon them.

Monopolyiscrap · 05/02/2022 18:16

@Frozentoes2 what I find now is that young adults don't think they should be helping elderly parents. Parents should pay for that.
Meanwhile, elderly parents have often helped their elderly parents and relatives.
I think anyone helping out with childcare with the unspoken idea they will get help when older may be very disappointed.

JustLyra · 05/02/2022 18:16

I think it’s a shame that one off babysitting is seen as such a chore.

Yes, it’s taking the piss to ask for daily or regular childcare.

If we ever asked PIL’s to babysit (different now as MIL lives with us) then they saw it as a chance to do something with the kids. It often was on a “ooh we were going to suggest taking them to x place soon so we’ll do that then”. Sort of a two birds one stone thing.

lovesT · 05/02/2022 18:18

In a slightly different way but yes .. we spend a lot of time together the 3 of us but never have family offer to help. My mum helps sometimes when she has to but I have to be very specific and it always comes with her hanging out with is for ages afterwards. They always want to see us but never want to give me or husband a break so we've never had time just me and him in the day

Frozentoes2 · 05/02/2022 18:22

@Chichimcgee and @Monopolyiscrap

I don’t mean to say that you should only care for elderly parents if they’ve cared for you. Or that either party should should give up their lives to help with childcare or to be a carer.

I simply mean - what happened to families WANTING to help each other out? Some of the stances on her seem very mean spirited and cold to me. Eg implying that grandparents won’t ever see the children unless it’s exactly on their terms as though it’s some kind of horrible onerous chore! It should be a pleasure to watch your grandkids every once in a while - unless you hate little children and your own family!

Mary46 · 05/02/2022 18:23

My dads care was 24 7 so you have be realistic too. My mum never really helped they older now so I dont need babysitters but its hard knowing u got feck all help and she wants everyone to make a big fuss of her now!! Just my own opinion.

M5ybelle · 05/02/2022 18:27

I would love to have the energy and health to have my little Grandchildren to stay over night, go away for a holiday, take them to soft play, swimming lessons. But health problems and confidence interfere with that. I can’t kneel down, - bad knees and back, I can’t do up a car seat due to arthritic fingers. I give them all my concentration but get tired easily. I seem to find it challenging to drive 30 mins along country lanes or a motorway to get to one GCs house. After a day with a 3 year old I’m exhausted. Then there are the continuous colds and coughs that get passed around. We love spending time together, but so many things I thought I would do seem to be so very difficult. Instead of being the instigator, and organiser I seem to have relinquished these roles to my DDs. Im relieved that a summer trip to Greece with DD and grandchild involves the other grandparents who are fitter. Perhaps your parents dont feel confident or well enough looking after their grandchildren and dont like to admit it.

legogal1 · 05/02/2022 18:30

Yep same here we have always had to ask for help and it always seemed like a. Inconvenience en though my 2 sons are 18 & 15 now they have never had an overnight with their grandparents it seems a bit disappointing for me and them when you hear about how much some grand parents do for their families

Repecka · 05/02/2022 18:37

I don’t like sleeping at other peoples…maybe ask if they can have a sleepover at their house.

As for your “not put the effort in”….it comes across very entitled. I’m sure you haven’t meant it

NEScribe · 05/02/2022 18:38

I don't often reply to posts on MN. But I'm afraid I agree with another poster - they don't owe you childcare.
I'm older so maybe have a different perspective but perhaps they think you love going over there once a week to see them?
I'm not lucky enough to have grandchildren (3 daughters so that's hard) but equally my daughters don't owe me grandchildren :)
We are a close knit family and we do tons of stuff for each other - give lifts to medical appointments, lend money etc.
But I would hate it if they had kids and expected us to give up our home comforts to go for a "sleepover". Usually a sleepover is children staying at another house - not their own and is a big thrill for them.
Once you hit 60 (which I sadly have done) sleeping out is anything but fun. You want your own bed and access to your own home comforts.

On the other hand, I agree with others that if they want to see grandchildren more often, they should come to you on occasion or meet for lunch/tea somewhere.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/02/2022 18:38

My parents are very helpful hands-on gps, they won’t stay over to babysit though so if I want the favour I drive (4 hours to drop/return/collect). I think that’s perfectly reasonable and am very grateful they will mind them whenever I ask. They don’t visit us either apart from Christmas despite having 3 cars. Some people are just home bodies I guess. My OH was abandoned so our standards for gps are not that high!

TheWitchOfShields · 05/02/2022 18:50

I don't think yabu. Your title could've been worded differently, but I get the gist of what you're trying to say.

My DPs are similar. They do look after DC when needed, but never on a weekend and always at their house. We've lived in this house 20 yrs and I can count on two hands how many times they've been here, despite living less than 10 min drive away (2.2m door to door).

Also, everything my DPs do for us and DSis comes with a 'price'. They're quite selfish people, and if we ask for help they will want something in return or things will be forever brought up as if it's 'owed'.

I just no longer ask for help and have learned to say no.

Beastieboys · 05/02/2022 18:51

So your mother is a full time carer to her mother and you are quite happy to expect her to spend her free time she has looking after your kids in your house..... Your grandmother probably needs assistance in the night or help getting to bed and getting up....... I think she has enough on her plate don't you???

JustLyra · 05/02/2022 18:55

@Beastieboys

So your mother is a full time carer to her mother and you are quite happy to expect her to spend her free time she has looking after your kids in your house..... Your grandmother probably needs assistance in the night or help getting to bed and getting up....... I think she has enough on her plate don't you???

Why must she “probably” have needs when the Op clarified that her grandmother has no care needs ?