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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

448 replies

TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 21:05

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:
Huntswomanonthemove · 05/02/2022 19:00

@Frozentoes2

Bet some of the grandparents on here who think they shouldn’t have to help out with childcare will expect loads of help from their children when they have old age related issues. You know, because families are supposed to HELP each other out... how would they feel if their kids simply said “I don’t owe you anything?”

It’s really really sad that some see looking after their grandchildren as a chore. How miserable. I would hate if my parents felt like this - they can’t get enough!

I didn't get any help from my parents, I didn't expect help. They loved me and cared for me when I was a baby and as I grew up. In return, when they were elderly, I looked after them.

You're getting a bit confused about who has responsibility for your children. Breaking news, it's you.

Gagagardener · 05/02/2022 19:03

Have not read tft. But I feel very sad at some of it. How do you younger mothers who need help think you will behave when it's your turn? I hope you will remember how you wished GPs wd help, and do what you can kindly rather than saying 'I never had any help; get on with it.' Even when they are adult, your offspring remain your children! My grandmother came to look after us as children when my mother dislocated a shoulder. My mother came to look after me when she was in her 80s and I had a leg in plaster. So when one of my daughters needs help, I go. I put out what I got in, I suppose. And I'm sure lots of families are similar to mine.,

Nellybellyfrillytilly · 05/02/2022 19:21

We are in a similar situation. My in laws are very hands on and always offer to look after our child, even begging us to give them her over night - we have done the odd afternoon here and there but she’s still quite a handful and GPs have had a few health issues.

My parents on the other hand have never offered, don’t seem bothered by wanting to bond or spend time with our daughter, visits are on their terms and you can almost time the visit to exactly an hour each time. Myself and DH have said between ourselves it’s a bit annoying but would never say anything or make it known we are annoyed as we didn’t have children for the free childcare, if they offer we would take them up on it but purely for the bond to grow between grandchild and gp.

The thing that does wind me up is my mum will make swipes at my in laws as if it’s a competition “how many times have you seen the in laws”.. “when will you see them next”.

I believe it takes a village to raise a child and surprised gps don’t want to spend time with children but on the other hand I don’t expect anyone to take my child for free or regularly during the week.

Tigger1895 · 05/02/2022 19:24

Would you prefer if the heading was my parents make me feel under a compliment when I ask for their help? Because that’s exactly what they are doing

Tigger1895 · 05/02/2022 19:25

@Tigger1895

Would you prefer if the heading was my parents make me feel under a compliment when I ask for their help? Because that’s exactly what they are doing
Sorry I sent that to you, it was actually aimed at someone who was be derogatory
lesleylol · 05/02/2022 19:27

My mum did help by babysitting occasionally but made it clear that, as with her own mother, she had done her child caring days and she wasn’t going to look after mine more than she was happy with. Her choice and don’t have them if you can’t look after them.

Unknown113 · 05/02/2022 19:29

@DragonMovie

I find the defensiveness of some people around this really interesting. Of course GPs don’t owe anyone childcare but if we took that attitude about everything there would be no such thing as family. We don’t owe our elderly relatives visits either, or care as they get older, and when my sister in law asks me to look after her tiny baby for a break, I could tell her that I don’t owe her anything, and when my brother asks to borrow my washing machine because his is broken, I could say the same thing… but we don’t do that. The OP isn’t saying she expects some sort of regular nannying which I agree would be a huge and unfair expectation. Just that the GPs act like family occasionally and make a bit of an effort to enjoy the grandkids and maybe even once in a while do their mum a favour.
This! Is family not about being there for each other?

My in-laws live locally, they are retired, fit and very active. They expect us to help them, giving them lifts, DIY, online shopping, which we willingly do not expecting anything in return but they never willingly help with their grandchildren. They visit when it fits in with their busy social life and always expect to be waited on. I work fulltime and my husband works away from home for long periods of time. I can’t help but feel jealous of friends and colleagues who have family support around them.

AnotherForumUser · 05/02/2022 19:32

@lovesT

In a slightly different way but yes .. we spend a lot of time together the 3 of us but never have family offer to help. My mum helps sometimes when she has to but I have to be very specific and it always comes with her hanging out with is for ages afterwards. They always want to see us but never want to give me or husband a break so we've never had time just me and him in the day
"hanging out with us for ages afterwards". Hmm Yeah why can't your mum just leave once she's served her purpose -she clearly doesn't understand that she should just get back in her box once you've used her right? Hmm After all why would you want to spend time with your mum/unpaid skivvy when you have your own little family which she should be honoured to serve. I wonder how you will be treated and thought of when your child has their own little family.
Frozentoes2 · 05/02/2022 19:33

@Huntswomanonthemove

I think the only person getting confused (plus a little too worked up) is you. When did I say that my parents should have responsibility for my children?

Expecting GP to WANT to do childcare every now and again is quite clearly not the same as saying “I think my parents should have responsibility for my children instead of me”, is it?

I don’t know how much involvement your parents had in your children’s life. But if it wasn’t a large amount I feel sorry for you and your DC because a relationship between GP and grandchildren is sacred.

I have lovely childhood memories of spending time with my own GP and would be devastated if my DC couldn’t have the same. I think the relationship between a grandparent and grandchild is even protected in some cases by law, so is recognised by most as special and important.

I find it very difficult to relate to those saying that grandparents owe their own children and grandchildren nothing and who treat their own grandchildren like a chore. To me it’s very cold.

Huntswomanonthemove · 05/02/2022 19:41

[quote Frozentoes2]@Huntswomanonthemove

I think the only person getting confused (plus a little too worked up) is you. When did I say that my parents should have responsibility for my children?

Expecting GP to WANT to do childcare every now and again is quite clearly not the same as saying “I think my parents should have responsibility for my children instead of me”, is it?

I don’t know how much involvement your parents had in your children’s life. But if it wasn’t a large amount I feel sorry for you and your DC because a relationship between GP and grandchildren is sacred.

I have lovely childhood memories of spending time with my own GP and would be devastated if my DC couldn’t have the same. I think the relationship between a grandparent and grandchild is even protected in some cases by law, so is recognised by most as special and important.

I find it very difficult to relate to those saying that grandparents owe their own children and grandchildren nothing and who treat their own grandchildren like a chore. To me it’s very cold.[/quote]
Please don't feel sorry for me, that's unbelievably patronising. My parents bought a campervan, when they retired, and saw the world. This was when my children were small. They loved it and I loved the fact that they were living their best lives.

It's the expectation that some have, that grandparents should step up and provide childcare, that's so wrong. I refer you to the title of the thread.
Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 05/02/2022 19:45

YANBU. I'd have to say something

zlister · 05/02/2022 19:46

@AnotherForumUser
I know this is unreasonable but I do agree with @lovesT it can be annoying having people hanging about for hours. For me it's the in laws coming in - I just want to do my work and get housework done sometimes. Doesn't mean they're going to be parked by the roadside when they're old.

JWhipple · 05/02/2022 19:46

But your mum is presumably having to care for your grandmother so maybe her staying over at yours isn't practical?

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 05/02/2022 19:52

I'm with you OP, I'm a grandmother and I wouldn't expect my grandchildren to be happy coming to my house every week and sitting in the lounge. If these were my children I'd say to your mother to expect to see them less as they grow up, not more. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask if she could watch them while you have an appointment, and I don't feel that asking makes you look as though your mother is at your command, as suggested.

AnotherForumUser · 05/02/2022 19:55

[quote zlister]@AnotherForumUser
I know this is unreasonable but I do agree with @lovesT it can be annoying having people hanging about for hours. For me it's the in laws coming in - I just want to do my work and get housework done sometimes. Doesn't mean they're going to be parked by the roadside when they're old. [/quote]
Oh yes I can understand people wanting to get on with what they need to do but if you get a grandparent over to help then it is fucking graceless and self centered to whine about them having the termerity to hang around afterwards with the assumption they've served their purpose for the day.

JustABloodyMinute · 05/02/2022 19:56

If they are going to be doing you a favour by looking after your children then surely it's reasonable for it to be on their terms? I say that as someone who has no unpaid childcare available.

DreamTheMoors · 05/02/2022 20:01

My grandparents raised me half my childhood because my parents & older siblings worked.
They didn’t have to, they certainly didn’t owe it to my parents — they did it out of love for me & my family.
I consider myself very fortunate. Not every grandparent is so charitable with their time and care. I don’t know why they aren’t.
I’m so very sorry, @TulipVictory - I’d happily look after your kids myself if I could. ❤️

Pebble55 · 05/02/2022 20:06

My parents in-law do nothing to help us. We took our 3m old to see them a few weeks ago and they weren't interested. Grandma refused even a 5 minute cuddle and my brother-in-law just looked at our baby daughter in disgust when she vomited milk on me.
They claim they can't travel to see us (ca. 270km across south Germany) yet are planning their next 5 holidays this year, all of which involve driving around Europe.

We are getting by without them and will continue to do so. Our friendship circle is fantastic and many equally aloof relations so we rely on eachother, which works well. But sometimes one thinks it would be nice to have an actual extended family.

Grapewrath · 05/02/2022 20:16

Mumsnet is a weird place where expecting any support from parents emotional, physical or financial is seen as entitled with posters saying they didn’t have any help nor expect it etc etc
In real life, the vast majority of parents have support from their parents so it hurts when you are the one who doesn’t.
Nobody is unreasonable to expect their family network to support them

LlamaLucy · 05/02/2022 20:18

I’m really sorry, but I don’t think the grandparents have done anything wrong.

Grapewrath · 05/02/2022 20:18

To add, my parents and my FH parents don’t help or support us in any way despite having the means to.
Our friends find it really sad and odd, as they all have very supportive families who look after dc and are kind and thoughtful

Abracadabra12345 · 05/02/2022 20:23

@hiredandsqueak

I do two days childcare each week for dd. I get the impression that it's never enough despite doing extra days regularly on top. Tbh as much as I love dd and dgs I don't enjoy providing childcare and feel that I'm way past entertaining toddlers. Maybe your parents feel the same. Any childcare I used I paid for so it's not as if dd experience grandparent childcare either but I do it free of charge I suppose.
You sound lovely and I’m sorry that your dd doesn’t value you more by the sound of it. 2 days childcare is a lot and you change through the years and entertaining toddlers can be exhausting and boring in equal measure. Extra days on top of those? Hmmmm 😟

I do feel sad for you though OP and I’d definitely reduce the number of times you visit. If they make a fuss, make it clear why!

undetetected · 05/02/2022 20:28

@Grapewrath

Mumsnet is a weird place where expecting any support from parents emotional, physical or financial is seen as entitled with posters saying they didn’t have any help nor expect it etc etc In real life, the vast majority of parents have support from their parents so it hurts when you are the one who doesn’t. Nobody is unreasonable to expect their family network to support them

Very true! I got called a CF by one person for giving my mum my dd... for a university trip, and I even paid £300 to the woman to spend!

People have some strange ideas here. Where I'm from, grandparents want to be involved, even on a semi-regular basis.

I get being overburdened 100% bit people take it to extremes on this site😭

Gilld69 · 05/02/2022 20:30

aww that's quite sad I have 4 dgc I'm only 52 don't know how old your mum is. I have the youngest one 1 to 2 days a week while parents work and the very occasional overnight some days I don't feel up to it but as soon as I see their faces it's worth it, I'd quite happily look after them while they went to appointments and sitting in the car is no hardship at all but I do know a lot of gp that aren't prepared to do much

wentworthinmate · 05/02/2022 20:33

@RedCandyApple

I’m a single parent and my mum never helps me out with childcare, you will be told you are being unreasonable to expect any help
I was the same years ago (DS now 25). Mother worked FT and would not help out in any way with childcare at any time. Would rarely come to my house as I lived in the town where she worked and she "did not want to drive all the way back there".