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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

259 replies

Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:11

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

OP posts:

TheOrigRights · 03/02/2022 14:57

@BoredZelda

The two events are independent. They have a getaway planned, which the OP mentioned because it is relevant to how the relationship stands.

No, OP later clarified the surprise was to invite his friends round to his house.

No, OP says this "He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp."

The surprise is indeed having some friends over. In addition they have a getaway booked.

lovemelongtime · 03/02/2022 15:03

God if this thread teaches anyone anything - it is dont come onto this vipers next looking for support when you are feeling a bit fragile. What a bunch of bitches. No idea why everyone's laying into the poster, all she did was arrange a suprise for her partner on his birthday and tell him to keep the time free. No biggie - jsut a plain old nice gesture. Give her a break.

CandyMan89 · 03/02/2022 15:04

@Lemis

He knows right now how vunerable i am after ive recently experienced trauma. Life is too short. Pick your battles. This situation did not need that reaction. He didnt need to bring me to tears over this shit.

Life is too short, you're right. You don't want to hear this but you do need to leave. You are at risk, as are your children when he is in his angry state. He needs anger management. This isn't just about the surprise weekend gone wrong, there is an obvious bigger picture.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 03/02/2022 15:07

@cooldarkroom

He is a miserable bully isn't he. You are trying to repare this sinking ship of a marriage, but honestly, there has to be a "one too often" button, or "just too far". At some point you are going to have to accept & live with him, or sever the invisible chains, & get your children into a healthy environment. This is what they see as a role model, your marriage is what they will model their lives on, his temper, & selfishness is something they will be absorbing, as how an adult behaves. I know its not what you dreamed of, but if you won the pools tomorrow, you would leave. So start planning. cancel the birthday surprise,you know he will be furious & slam about again tell him you are going out on that evening & he will either have to be a father & mind his children or find a baby sitter.

So start planning. cancel the birthday surprise,you know he will be furious & slam about again tell him you are going out on that evening & he will either have to be a father & mind his children or find a baby sitter.

No, don't do this, he's already shown himself to be unpredictable, don't push him over the edge as you might come off worst! I feel for you OP, trying so hard to make this partnership work, planning a nice surprise for your partner. But unfortunately he's not very 'D' and it's not much of a partnership.

I suggest you leave the arrangements in place now he knows about them and has condescended to say he'll go along with him. But I also suggest you quietly start considering your options, to make a separate life for yourself and your DC. Start with this www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help , but don't let him or his family know you're researching this. Then when you have more info and know what support is available, you'll be better able to assess your position and decide your next moves.

Lilymossflower · 03/02/2022 15:12

Not what you want to hear, but the advice your gonna get on here is to leave him for good because yes, he is abusive.
Asking and pushing in that manner , to the point of him getting angry and scaring you into giving him the answer he wants, is typical abusive behavior

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2022 15:17

You ask "Where do I go from here?". That's for you to decide. The main thing to remember is that you can do NOTHING about his temper. Not one damned thing. If he doesn't CHOOSE to control his temper, which would involve getting professional anger management help, you can't make him and you'll continue to tiptoe around him and live in fear of his explosions, be them once a week or once a year.

"Date nights" won't cure his temper. "Surprises" won't cure his temper. Even "Picking your battles" won't cure his temper, because the mark of this kind of person is that there is no way to know what will cause them to lose it. So what he's fine with today may cause an explosion tomorrow. Your 'surprise' ending with him exploding is a perfect example of that.

So, where to you go from here? You either stay with him and live in fear or you leave him and live in peace. That's your only options.

TheOrigRights · 03/02/2022 15:25

@lovemelongtime

I agree. This thread is horrible. Really bitchy and unsupportive.

Posters are looking for ways to pile onto a fragile and upset woman.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/02/2022 15:26

You can't make it better because he doesn't want to change. There is always a life after divorce. Dont be like me. I married a horrible man and stayed with him for 20 years because I was worried about leaving. My life is 100 times better now.

Blossomtoes · 03/02/2022 15:26

@drpet49

You can’t tell him he can’t go out and then not even explain why. Bonkers

This.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 15:27

No, OP says this "He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

Then everyone is confused, because in a (now deleted) post she said the surprise was a day out with his friends, then in another she said because his friends being there was the surprise! So of course i couldnt tell him. It was nothing crazy it was just his friends coming over to his house. No wonder OP’s OH kept asking for clarification!

GillianB2990 · 03/02/2022 15:32

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.

You have children, even more reason to leave him. It won't get better no matter how hard you try.

Go to your local council, they will help you or a woman's shelter. I understand you want to help him but you need to put you are your children first.

cooldarkroom · 03/02/2022 15:34

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo , OP said she was calling off the surprise I believe...

waffle222 · 03/02/2022 15:38

I've been in a relationship with someone who displayed this kind of abusive, intimidating behaviour. It's rough, and so hard to get away from. It also takes some time to really accept you can't do much more so I appreciate the position you are in. Womens aid are great if you ever want to explore that route.

But if you are asking how to cope with this in the mean time my best advice is to slowly start taking steps to do what's within your control. His reaction and behaviour is put with your control, you can only choose how to respond to it. Now I wouldn't advise you to start modifying your normal everyday behaviours to accommodate for his aggressive and violent behaviour, but I would set the bar lower and remind yourself of what you can do in these situations. Does he often make you feel crappy when you try and do something nice or there's a special occasion?

I stopped planning dates etc, gradually started working more to avoid us spending time together. Sounds bad but I realised I was happier when I spent more time away from him. If he lost his head I'd stop talking and walk away from him. You don't have to engage in someone who's being aggressive towards you. Do some more things for yourself, gym, walks, time with friends or new hobbies. Please build yourself up. You can't make him go to counselling or work on his behaviour. It's within his control only, if he knows how it's making you feel and he's still doing it and not trying to seek support then he clearly doesn't value you enough.

Baby steps though. It's very hard to actually accept you can't do anything in these situations so start by taking care of yourself. Build more of a life that he's not part of and see how that makes you feel.

Original poster

Lemis · 03/02/2022 15:39

@BoredZelda

Why are you so confused

I said at the beginning of my post that we are working on things, things have been good and we have a get away booked

The surprise is for my dps BIRTHDAY. Something completely seperate and irrelevant. Please read something before you comment on it

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemis · 03/02/2022 15:41

The weekend surprise is not the same as the get away people! That is in august. Th3 surprise is for this weekend and is on sat night

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemis · 03/02/2022 15:42

I hope that has cleared anymore further confussion. The getaway is for me and dp. The birthday is for him and his mates.

@Blossomtoes im not even entertaining anymore bitchyness

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 15:42

The surprise is for my dps BIRTHDAY. Something completely seperate and irrelevant. Please read something before you comment on it

The surprise which has gone from a trip out together, to him spending the day at his house (which you may or may not live in) with his friends (but not the friend who asked him to spend the day with him?)

NigellaAwesome · 03/02/2022 15:44

Clearly your relationship has deeper underlying issues, but FWIW I hate surprises. It is geared towards the gratification of the giver seeing the reaction of the receiver. Why could you not have just told your DP what you had had planned, and then he could have made an informed decision about when to see his friend?

It doesn't justify his violent outburst at all, but I think you have fed into the drama by insisting on a 'ta da' moment.

Equally, it also sounds as if he has known you have made a special effort, and has deliberately sabotaged it by his behaviour.

If you ask yourself honestly, what were you trying to achieve by organising this surprise? Because it sounds to me that it was a misguided attempt to repair your relationship with a big gesture, but if there are fundamental problems, no amount of 'nice things' you do for him are going to make your relationship better.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 15:45

I told him i was taking him OUT so to leave the day free. Im not stupid.

Why would he need to keep the day free for a day out together if the surprise was a saturday night get together with just his friends?

Original poster

Lemis · 03/02/2022 15:46

@BoredZelda

Stop

Just stop

Who are you my dp?

Getting me to justify everything yet again

I will explain one last time

GETAWAY - in august for me and dp

SURPRISE - this weekend for dps birthday

I told him we was "going out" this weekend because his friends coming over was the surprise part. I told him this so i had an excuse to get him dressed up before they came over

The friends that asked him out at the same time are a different set of friends

Believe it or not people have more than one set of friends. Shocker

I dont know what you are trying to get at me constantly questioning me but you are just coming across like a bully

So stop it.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 03/02/2022 15:47

The beginning of the thread you got 99% of people supporting you. You got extremely cross when someone didn't agree and ignored all the support in favour of the negative response and have got increasingly angry as the thread has gone on.

It would be interesting to read the other side of this relationship.

Original poster

Lemis · 03/02/2022 15:49

@lunar1 are you reading the same thread? I got called controlling by majority of the first posters. I asked why and because i stood up to myself and refused to be called something horribly when not deserved now i am the problem. Give over

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 15:50

So he was right that if the thing was an evening thing, he could meet his friend in the day time.

I mean, it doesn't justify his behaviour and everything everyone said previously about you never being able to change him and you should leave still stands, but I can see why it could spiral out of control with such confusion and with the way you seem to respond to questions.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 15:50

It would be interesting to read the other side of this relationship.

I agree.

Original poster

Lemis · 03/02/2022 15:52

@BoredZelda his friend was having a party on the same evening! Oh my . Stop nip picking my wording

Do you think im lying? Or are you just that bored that you want to kick someone that is clearly down. Im only 21 get a hobby.

OP posts:

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