Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

[Lemis]

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

Plan nice surprises for nice partners, not abusive ones. You'd get a different response. You've had just 4 weeks, a month, 28 days clear of being abused and you are upset he hasn't really changed? . Also not a surprise to everyone reading.

OP, sorry you are getting so many weird comments on here. I can see how hurtful his behaviour was for you. Sounds like he has a massive pile of issues that he is very unfairly venting on you.

Can you write him a letter setting out how his behaviour looks from your perspective? Then he can read it in private and consider his response.

OP this place is full of gfs atm. They're deliberately being contentious, posting continually until you react. Ignore them. They're no better or different from your DP banging the pots. When someone posts over 5 times just restating their opinion over and over again until it annoys you - that is the social media equivalent of going into the kitchen and banging the pots.

OP you're focusing on this one incident and I get you're upset that it was ruined, but it's not the one incident it's the bigger picture. The surprise was you doing something nice for him. is like sticking a plaster over a huge gaping wound.
You said he had an uncalled for and uncontrollable temper? in response
Does he work? does he lose his temper like this at work? with other people? or is this using the aggression deliberately to force you to do something he wants (tell him what the surprise was so he could pick the best offer). Cant, you see that his reaction was deliberate and pre-meditated. He's using aggression to control your behaviour and response. All he has to do in the future if he wants his own way is flip his lid and you're running round to pacify him. It trains you to constantly be hyper-aware to his moods and to do everything to prevent him from losing his shit. It's an exhausting way to live.
Just remember, this probably isn't his personality, it's a deliberate choice to put you on edge. if it was his personality he would be like this at work, with his male friends, with the neighbours etc. If he isn't like this all the time then you know it's deliberate.

Why post if you're not going to leave him?

Your choices are eat the shit sandwiches he gives you or leave.

None of us care about some random blokes birthday plans. We care that kids are being brought up in a house with abuse present, but as you won't engage at all on that issue you can spend your energy arguing over the minority of posters who mentioned the specifics of that particular argument.

@Lemis

He knows right now how vunerable i am after ive recently experienced trauma. Life is too short. Pick your battles. This situation did not need that reaction. He didnt need to bring me to tears over this shit.

You could've avoided it all in the first place by not planning a 'nice' thing for a total bastard.

I put an AIBU post up s while ago. Most of the advice I got was telling me I was a gobshite and not my husband. It made me take it on the chin and take a long hard look at myself. It improved our relationship. It obviously wasn't just that but it helped me have a greater understanding of how my husband can feel.

@IncompleteSenten

Ok

Don't ever get annoyed by his behaviour. Don't challenge him or object to anything. Let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants and don't complain. Smile and be loving all the time.

This, or protect your children from this horrible situation and move out.

You tried to do a nice thing and it backfired because he doesn’t behave in a normal or healthy way.

You can’t fix him. You can’t make it better. So you have two options. You either put up with it and let him take you and the children down with him, or you end the relationship. If he won’t leave, then you take the children and you leave. If you haven’t got anywhere else to go, then you get advice from WomensAid and you rent somewhere. It probably won’t be as nice as you’re used to and you might have to be on benefits for a while, but that’s what they’re for.

Maybe your trauma is also affecting him, e.g. he is dealing with the thought of losing you. Sometimes that comes out in the worst possible way of being nasty to you instead of cherishing what he has.

Having been in an abusive relationship with similar behaviour patterns, I am in the "leave him" camp. But I also understand that you are still at the "fix it" stage and the thought of leaving is just totally unthinkable.

If you can just start to play out in your mind what leaving might look like (without the intention of actually doing it) that will give you a different perspective on the whole thing.

@Lemis - I know you don't want to be told to leave him, as you feel unable to do so.

But this is not on you - you've done the right things, tried to do something nice and he's pissed all over it because he didn't trust you to have set up something better than him seeing his friend at the weekend.
He has spoilt his own surprise and somehow made you out to be the bad guy for it.

If all his counselling goes out the window the first time his will is crossed, IS it really worth it? Are you absolutely sure that you have no way out?

How old are your DC at the moment - are they old enough to see his temper tantrums and understand what he's doing? It will affect them to see him behave like that, and as they get older, he may start treating them in the same way that he treats you - with zero respect.

because his friends being there was the surprise! So of course i couldnt tell him. It was nothing crazy it was just his friends coming over to his house

His house? Aren’t you living with his family? I’m not sure how a day out translates to his mates coming round.

So what did i do so wron that deserved him breaking his promise of not banging things or shouting anymore?
tell me

You stayed with an abusive partner and are clearly looking to do the same after this outburst too.

You can’t change him. It doesn’t matter what you do, this will happen again.

No, he's angry because he has no control over life and death. OP is the one who gets the brunt of it because she is closest to him. It's pretty basic psychology.

@drpet49

You can’t tell him he can’t go out and then not even explain why. Bonkers

They were going on a getaway together to help their relationship

Why did he want to see his mate?

I was married to an abusive dickhead many years ago for far too long.

On of his favourite tricks was to make me beg him to accept gifts I’d got him for celebrations. And then he’d grunt why’s you waste money on that really contemptuously. But Funnily enough he kept every single gift I ever gave him and was still using one item he’d snarled at me to return.
I’m great at gift buying, he loved each gift. Proven by the fact he still used them all long after I’d left him.
He was such an arsehole though he couldn’t give me any credit for my kindness and generosity so would have a massive fight to make me feel greatful when he did accept the gifts begrudgingly.

Woe betide the anger though if I tried to ignore any occasion and didn’t get him a gift.

On the flip side I don’t remember him ever giving me any gift ever. He would tell me to buy myself something (using my money he’d pay me back later)

@TottersBlankly

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me [numerous] times

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here?

Away.

For good.

Isn’t that obvious?

Ahh, I was really hoping bumedous was a real word 😆

You're right OP, he's wrong.

Make very careful plans to LTB OP.

Even if their long term. Start stashing money away. Find a good job/get training to enable you to get a good job.

You can’t live like this.

@StopStartStop

What to do? Don't plan bloody surprises! You're an adult, so is he. 'Surprises' are ok for children, as long as they aren't autistic.

You don't want to be told to leave him - fine. But you sound controlling so maybe he should reconsider his options.

Controlling?

Oh yes. The OP is the controlling one here...

He's not using his temper to control at all.

God. it's the most overused word on here.

OP,

I'm sorry things are so hard for you.

This is not a good man.

He is an aggressive, nasty, bully.

Stop doing nice things.

Focus on your children and what his abuse is doing to their childhood.

Start planning for a better future for you and him.

Contact Women's aid for support.

He asked you if his plans disturbed your plans. Are you the only person allowed plans?

How is he supposed to know what your plans are if you don't tell him?

Sorry but it sounds like you have control issues, not him.

@Lemis

OMG!!!! Only on mumsnet would you all turn a simple birthday surprise into a horrible control method. Are you telling me no one does surprises anymore? Stop putting words into my mouth. There was no mean or bad intentions behind this. We have both been through hard times recently and i just wanted to get his friends together that he has seen in years to surprise him. Why am i the bloody devil because of it???!!!!

HE is an adult. If he didnt like it he could of said. But my point is being missed that HE HAD NO PROBLEM WITH UNTIL HIS OTHER FRIEND POPPED UP. Now that he knows the plan he prefers to see these set of friends ive arranged for him rather than the friend that asked him out. Jesus people.

Next time post in Relationships.

You may still be told stuff you don't want to hear (like leave the arsehole) but you shouldn't get such a beating.

This relationship is over.

Put the kids first and separate.