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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

259 replies

Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:11

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 03/02/2022 14:01

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

He asked you if his plans disturbed your plans. Are you the only person allowed plans?

How is he supposed to know what your plans are if you don't tell him?

Sorry but it sounds like you have control issues, not him.

No, he asked if his plans disturbed the plans OP had made for them both, that he had already agreed to do.

Were you just looking for a way to type "control issues" or something?

Please show me where the OP is trying to control her partner.

diddl · 03/02/2022 14:02

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

He asked you if his plans disturbed your plans. Are you the only person allowed plans?

How is he supposed to know what your plans are if you don't tell him?

Sorry but it sounds like you have control issues, not him.

Control issues because Op planned a surprise for his birthday??
Fimofriend · 03/02/2022 14:05

@Toanewstart22 Please read the original post before you reply.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 14:10

I think it’s interesting that OP is mostly choosing to focus on and argue with the people criticising her, as opposed to engaging with the actual advice about this toxic man (which is the majority of the thread).

thecatsthecats · 03/02/2022 14:12

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
OK, in the spirit of this post alone, here's my take.

You wanted to do something nice. Which is lovely. But your relationship isn't in the 'nice surprise' space. Nice surprises require balance, trust and good relations between you.

I suspect that in part your desire to be a couple that doesn't have issues, a couple who get on well, and give each other nice surprises led you to choose this.

But nice surprises don't fix relationships. The basics need fixing first:

Communication - if you have a problem with each other, you can raise it respectfully, agree a solution or change in behaviour, and act on it.

Cooperation - life needs dealing with, and you work as a team to do so.

Respect - you treat each other well, and respect your differences.

Independence - I could leave my husband tomorrow without lasting material consequence. I'd still have friends, a job, a life. It's important to be able to manage without your husband in order to tackle the issues without needing to.

Address these things, and then maybe in time you'll be able to have nice surprises.

WouldBeGood · 03/02/2022 14:13

Great post @thecatsthecats

SpilltheTea · 03/02/2022 14:19

Some people on MN get a kick out of having a go at the OP. You didn't do anything wrong and have in no way indicated that you're controlling. He needs to fix it by solving his anger issues and aggression. He could try counseling or completing a course. If he's not interested in making a real effort to sort himself out then leaving is the only solution. You can't force him to change and this behaviour is damaging to your children.

butterpuffed · 03/02/2022 14:20

@SlashBeef

Hmm seriously you're kicking off on a forum because you didn't get answers your want? Your kids have two parents that can't control their tempers! This is grim.
Pages and pages of posters laying into ONE person isn't grim ? Christ.
Mummytobe93 · 03/02/2022 14:22

Forget the surprise factor OP, bottom line is that you’re in an abusive relationship and you’re afraid for your safety. He’s got a big problem with his temper and I’m not sure if you can “navigate it”.

Do you live with your or his family?

speakout · 03/02/2022 14:23

Does he like surprises?

I would rather have root canal work done than a surprise party/weekend away/theatre trip.

Katyrosebug · 03/02/2022 14:25

Hi op, I've not bothered to read the responses you've been given as I csn see from your responses the general tone.
You e said your partner likes surprises and was very happy with what it was when you told him!
Do you thunk he wanted to know so made up an invite out from his friend? Could have been trying to see if it was a 'better offer' in going out with his friend? Planning a surprise, which you clearly know your partner will enjoy, takes time and effort which you e put in, for him to behave like a spoilt brat is completely out of order and you don't deserve that. Is he always like this? I thunk he's showing you his true colours and how life will be after. Personally I wouldn't be putting anymore surprises in the diary for him if he acts this. I think you need to decide what you want from all of this and where you want to go. Youve mentioned that things aren't progressing how you'd like, what do you mean? As in a couple or future goals?

minipie · 03/02/2022 14:26

@Toanewstart22

And if I really wanted to do something And my partner was saying “don’t as will ruin what I’ve planned” but giving no indication as to what I’d be a bit Hmm
Yeah same

And “uncontrollable temper”… you have said he walked out of the room and was banging things, but what kind of banging? If he’s just closing cupboard doors a bit louder than strictly needed that’s different from punching walls for example.

From this one thread I really don’t see where all the “he is abusive” answers have come from.

Harrysmummy246 · 03/02/2022 14:29

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
Unfortunately, most of us won't give you that answer as he is clearly abusive and you have just said you are scared of him.

The only way to make it better is to be somewhere else without him in your life.

MulticolourTulips · 03/02/2022 14:29

They were going on a getaway together to help their relationship

But they weren't. She'd invited a bunch of his mates round to his house. She wasn't even going to be there.

Notimeforaname · 03/02/2022 14:30

Put up and shut up.
That is the only way your relationship can move forward if you won't Ltb.
Is that a move you are happy with op?

As harsh as this is, it's what I came on to say.

As you've said several times op, you did nothing wrong.
You cannot control him so there isn't really anything you can do about his behaviour.

All you can do is learn to cope/live with it if you wont leave..

Vloggamamma · 03/02/2022 14:30

Is he perhaps a narcissist? You can look at Dr Ramani Durvasula videos on YouTube, she has some wonderful videos on personality disorders. I’m no expert but I’ve grown up in a family with multiple personality disorders, and he seems to display some signs. The rage he flew into sounds very like narcissistic rage which is basically like an adult having a 3 year olds tantrum except far more scarier and pathetic because it is a grown adult. How do you make it better ? In life you can only control your behaviour and your reactions to other peoples behaviour. You cannot control other peoples behaviour that is the first thing you must accept. I would suggest counselling for you too,you seem to be putting up with a lot as well as having children to care for. Set aside some time for yourself. Make a list of what you want in a partner and see if your partner aligns with this. Build your self esteem, stop trying to please and placate him. I can understand you may feel trapped as you have children. Does he make you fear for your safety or theirs ? I hope you can get the support and help you need.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 03/02/2022 14:32

There's nothing you can do, he's an aggressive arse hole.
Put up and shut up or leave.
I would cancel the surprise to be honest and just say go out with your mates.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/02/2022 14:40

Please don’t listen to the people blaming you OP. They will be people with no experience of this type of man. You aren’t controlling and your behaviour was perfectly normal and kind.

It's quite common for abusive partners to try to ruin holidays, birthdays, celebrations, any day that has taken extra effort.

This

It’s in their play book. It gives them control.

mathanxiety · 03/02/2022 14:40

Basically, you are living with a man who doesn't like you and who functions at the level of a five year old who throws tantrums.

You can't change this man's default way of dealing with you. You can't make him like you either.

You can only change what you do here.
Do you stay with someone who doesn't like you and throws tantrums?
Is that ok for your children?

cooldarkroom · 03/02/2022 14:42

He is a miserable bully isn't he.
You are trying to repare this sinking ship of a marriage, but honestly, there has to be a "one too often" button, or "just too far".
At some point you are going to have to accept & live with him, or sever the invisible chains, & get your children into a healthy environment.
This is what they see as a role model, your marriage is what they will model their lives on, his temper, & selfishness is something they will be absorbing, as how an adult behaves.
I know its not what you dreamed of, but if you won the pools tomorrow, you would leave.
So start planning. cancel the birthday surprise,you know he will be furious & slam about again tell him you are going out on that evening & he will either have to be a father & mind his children or find a baby sitter.

5keletor · 03/02/2022 14:42

I was going to say this too - he won't change, so if you won't leave (and I think you should, from experience), you'll need to learn to live with his anger and make sure your kids aren't exposed to it (which will probably be difficult).

Also to the posters who are shocked this is being called abuse:

She said he has hurt her numerous times (I assume emotionally), I wouldn't expect a partner to be like this.

She was frightened by his temper, which escalates dramatically and very quickly.

He walked around the house in a temper banging things, after flying off the handle.

What about that is okay? I'm usually the last to assume abuse, but she has laid out a textbook example of abusive behaviour in her first post. And kids are involved! If my partner frustrated me, even intentionally, is it okay for me to scream at him, slam the kitchen cupboards and frighten him until he goes to the bedroom in tears to avoid me?

TheOrigRights · 03/02/2022 14:42

@MulticolourTulips

They were going on a getaway together to help their relationship

But they weren't. She'd invited a bunch of his mates round to his house. She wasn't even going to be there.

The two events are independent. They have a getaway planned, which the OP mentioned because it is relevant to how the relationship stands.

The OP has said that her partner (having found out what the surprise is) was happy with it.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 14:49

The two events are independent. They have a getaway planned, which the OP mentioned because it is relevant to how the relationship stands.

No, OP later clarified the surprise was to invite his friends round to his house.

mathanxiety · 03/02/2022 14:49

Planning a surprise for him was a case of you trying desperately to change the relationship. Throwing a tantrum was him telling you he doesn't care about you or the relationship.

He liked the sound of what you had planned and realized he could do whatever it was with his mate another time. He doesn't like you or respect you, and the relationship doesn't matter to him.

You need to stop trying and focus instead on your own wellbeing and that of your children.

lunar1 · 03/02/2022 14:55

Do you really think there is a way back from this that can lead to a happy home life for you and the children?

Who owns the house you are living in?