Friend staying over

[tireandsore101]

Hi name changed because I fear I am being unreasonable..
Good friend of mine in the middle of a breakup she lives about 2 hours away from me and asked if she can come stay with her 1 and 3 year olds for a few days while her partner moves out their home.
Obviously I'm trying to be there for her and the kids best I can so said yes.
I'm 8 months pregnant and still working full time also have a 2 year old.
I was hoping she would be considerate of those things.. I've put work off for the next few days to be available to them.
I finished a long physical shift of work last night at 8pm ish picked her up and brought her to my house she entered the house and plopped herself on the sofa and just watched as I struggled to bring the shopping I picked up for her and her 100s of bags/prams/car seats. She then informed me her kids were hungry and I needed to make them something so I made them some popcorn chicken and chips after they all ate she again retreated to the sofa and left me to tidy up wash up all that baring in mind is almost 10 by now
I made a bed for them up in my sons room and moved my son into my bed but she refused to share a room with her kids and insisted she slept downstairs
I asked about them waking in the night and she told me "if they wake up just go in there put them back In bed and sit with them they won't take long to fall back to sleep" by this time my husband came home from work and cut in and told her that's not my job she will need to get up and do it
5am we were woken up to children screaming then 7am to children banging and screaming and then 8am I wake up to find her doing a full makeup and skin routine in the bathroom next to my room with her kids running around upstairs screaming at the top of their lungs.

Quick back ground so I don't drip feed
I work self employed as does my husband running our business
My 2 year old is not at nursery yet and he has always come to work with us
Sometimes he goes to bed at 7pm sometimes at 10pm he is in an awkward nap phase when if he has one he won't sleep till 10/11pm ( some times worse) and if he doesn't have a nap he becomes the devil
Since we all don't have a set routine due to work and things like that whenever we can get the rest/sleep we do
She knows how I've been struggling with sleep insomnia peeing every house and the back pain
So I asked her to be a little considerate of that I showered her around the kitchen for food and anything she might need and told her to help herself if she needs to
I'm just feeling tired and in pain and grumpy this morning
I think she feels she's on holiday and expects me to do everything
I don't know
AIBU for thinking she's being rude or inconsiderate? Or do I need to give her a break as she is going through a hard time?

To borrow from Benjamin Franklin, ‘Guests are like fish, they begin to smell after three days’.

Three days are up by Saturday.
That’s the limit.

‘Oy mate, your Ex has gone now, you’ll be looking forward to going home!’

‘Oh I dunno…’

‘I do. You’ll be off after breakfast on Saturday I expect’.

‘Oh, but…’

‘Saturday is right for us. We need our space, so do you. Unless you’d like you go earlier?’

Wait, what did you say to her that’s she’s now tidying up and helping out? How did you word it?

@Batoutofhell70 wow that was nasty. Did you even need to comment???

She sounds so selfish.

@Cherryberrybonbon
I agree
This is my 3rd post in about 3 years on Mumsnet and although I have received some good advice from people I always end up feeling so horrible about myself and a lot of the time scared to comment on other posts and nervous to ask or post about any normal every day things, it's a shame because sometimes I could really use the advice or just people/someone to listen to me

To everyone asking
I didn't say anything in particular to her besides things like when she dropped hints about it being her kids lunch time I would say "oh there's fish fingers in the freezer" or "help yourself to anything they like"
I think she maybe realised she was being unfair and she has since done some washing up and had cleaned up after her kids
She does act like she's helpless but I just left her to figure things out herself
She is leaving tomorrow at 2pm

That first night I think I was just so tired and just wanted to get everything sorted for her so I could get myself into bed that I just did it all myself to get it done quicker.

She isn't the first and definitely not the last person in my life to treat me this way I think that's why me and my husband are very close and dependant on each other
We take care of each other and there are times when I've stepped in and stood up for him and obviously times when he's done the same for me.

Bracing myself for the comments criticising this post next 🤦‍♀️ heaven forbid I've made a spelling or grammar mistake 👀

@PinkSyCo
I didn't pick her up she had a friend drop her off near to my house and I collected her from there on my way home from work

Your pregnant and vunerable pls don't give yourself a hard time for not being the you from before . Hugglies

[quote tireandsore101]@Cherryberrybonbon
I agree
This is my 3rd post in about 3 years on Mumsnet and although I have received some good advice from people I always end up feeling so horrible about myself and a lot of the time scared to comment on other posts and nervous to ask or post about any normal every day things, it's a shame because sometimes I could really use the advice or just people/someone to listen to me

To everyone asking
I didn't say anything in particular to her besides things like when she dropped hints about it being her kids lunch time I would say "oh there's fish fingers in the freezer" or "help yourself to anything they like"
I think she maybe realised she was being unfair and she has since done some washing up and had cleaned up after her kids
She does act like she's helpless but I just left her to figure things out herself
She is leaving tomorrow at 2pm

That first night I think I was just so tired and just wanted to get everything sorted for her so I could get myself into bed that I just did it all myself to get it done quicker.

She isn't the first and definitely not the last person in my life to treat me this way I think that's why me and my husband are very close and dependant on each other
We take care of each other and there are times when I've stepped in and stood up for him and obviously times when he's done the same for me.

Bracing myself for the comments criticising this post next 🤦‍♀️ heaven forbid I've made a spelling or grammar mistake 👀
[/quote]
I don't understand the horrible remarks. You just sound like a really lovely person who some people take advantage of. Glad she's leaving op and don't let a few horrible comments put you off commenting or posting in the future.

Hope she leaves as planned today.

Good luck today op. You free of your selfish 'friend' today.

@PinkSyCo
I didn't pick her up she had a friend drop her off near to my house and I collected her from there on my way home from work

Ah I see. Thanks for clearing that up for me, I was soo confused. Glad you found your voice and that your friend bucked her ideas up and I hope you enjoy having your house back to yourselves later on today.

Rory1234 good idea id do that 1 definitely invent a family needs to come and stay over so she has to leave

OP, I am a bit like you, only a few years older. I would treat this situation as a learning exercise, learning to express your expectations and to say no.
Your husband sounds great but he's not going to be there ( obviously)all the time
People got thicker skin than what you realise.
As your children get older, there will be other times in which other mums/ people, purposely or not, will take advantage of your kindnes, ie, can you look after my children for me, it's an emergency ( she went to hairdressers!), can you do the school pick up/ drop off? which ended up being three times a week ( because I am going there anyway), feeding other people's children bc every single time they come through my door " they are hungry", all while the mum sits there and watch, my house being used like a nursery while they go shopping " because the mum needed "me" time and my house is near the town centre".
/ or popping for coffee bc is cheaper than going to Costa and again my house is in the town centre, or can I borrow/have ( insert money/ toothpaste/ toothbrush/ sanitary pad/ kitchen utensil( which she broke)/ books/ plants, food/ drink etc)
I have let people treat me this way, I still can't believe it.
But as time (and therapy, in my case lots of codependency issues) has gone on, I have learnt to set boundaries and say what I expect/ want/ wish to happen, is up to them how they take it on board and it's up to me how I deal with their response / or lack of. In other words you control you.
And don't worry about dropping people on the way, it's ok.

Well done for telling her to help herself.

She has too children, it's not helplessness, just pure laziness

I hope you get her out today and maybe protect yourself better from users.

You need to put yourself first, particularly whilst pregnant with a toddler.

She'll be fine, users always land on their feet.

What an audacity! No need for long conversations you need to tell her to go because you cant manage to look after her and her kids - simples. I was going to ask her age ..but....that isnt even a reason unless she's 2 - yes i meant 2 not 20 not 22 she has got to be 2 years old to be allowed to pull that stunt with no repercusions - what an audacity. Hope all goes well with your pregnancy and delivery.

Honestly I've had similar and it sticks with you and can build into resentment. I've a feeling that after this you wont want this person as your friend anyway as she is letting you down at a time where you could be there for each other. You've got her back with her issue and she is leaving you lifting her stuff, getting up for her kids when you work, are pregnant and have a 2 year old! Either get her out your house or give her a list of what she will be doing to be part of the team while with you. You need help and rest now and please let me add how sorry I feel for her kids that she is clearly not that fussed about comforting when they wake up in someone else's house. X stand up for yourself now, she is testing to see how much she can get out of you x

Your 8bmonths pregnant !! She is a CF ..she should be telling you to put your feet up and do bits you need ,not just as a thanks but because she is in someone else's home with a 1 and 3 year old . I've been there ,when my cousin got evicted asked to stay for the weekend was there weeks ,turnt up with her daughter , mum and sister, I lived in a 2 bed flat at the time with my one year old DD and i was just 16 but in the end I got so many noise complaints I said they had to leave,I'm 40 now and things are very differernt , I haven't seen them since apart room in passing,say to her 'you said 2/3 days so we have other plans ,I can help u find someone closer to home or take you back ' and your need to be ready In case you go into labour ,imagine having baby and coming home to that !! Wants you to put her children in bed when they wake up at night my god qno wonder he is leaving x

I do hope you'll come back @tireandsore101 to report that she has gone and your DH has driven her back.

Can I recommend that you go into whatever room she was staying in (as your DH packs up the car to bring her back to her place) and make sure that she hasn't taken anything of yours and she also hasn't left anything of hers there, before she goes? Or let her leave and do a quick review of the rooms to see if there is any damage and then text your DH when he gets to her place so that he may be able to address any issues with her away from you?

[quote tireandsore101]@Cherryberrybonbon
I agree
This is my 3rd post in about 3 years on Mumsnet and although I have received some good advice from people I always end up feeling so horrible about myself and a lot of the time scared to comment on other posts and nervous to ask or post about any normal every day things, it's a shame because sometimes I could really use the advice or just people/someone to listen to me

To everyone asking
I didn't say anything in particular to her besides things like when she dropped hints about it being her kids lunch time I would say "oh there's fish fingers in the freezer" or "help yourself to anything they like"
I think she maybe realised she was being unfair and she has since done some washing up and had cleaned up after her kids
She does act like she's helpless but I just left her to figure things out herself
She is leaving tomorrow at 2pm

That first night I think I was just so tired and just wanted to get everything sorted for her so I could get myself into bed that I just did it all myself to get it done quicker.

She isn't the first and definitely not the last person in my life to treat me this way I think that's why me and my husband are very close and dependant on each other
We take care of each other and there are times when I've stepped in and stood up for him and obviously times when he's done the same for me.

Bracing myself for the comments criticising this post next 🤦‍♀️ heaven forbid I've made a spelling or grammar mistake 👀
[/quote]
@tiredandsore101

I have only read your posts, not the full thread, and I honestly cannot see any good reason to criticise you or your posts. You sound like a kind person who has been taken advantage of, but who is putting an end to it.

Being a kind person entails an inherent risk of being taken advantage of sometimes. Being a kind person with a backbone means seeing when that happens, or where possible anticipating it, and then preventing it when you can, or putting an end to it when you couldn't or didn't anticipate it.

It sounds as though the latter is exactly what you're doing now. Absolutely nothing wrong with that!

So, kind person with a backbone, I hope that everything goes well with your pregnancy, and with everything else

I'd very tempted to ask husband to have a word. 'i know you are wife's friend but she's pregnant it's my job to take care of her and all this is too stressful I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to be leaving tomorrow ect etc' it takes the direct confrontation away from you and when she inevitably kicks of about it you can just say well he's my partner and I am struggling so Im agreeing with him.
Going through a breakup is difficult especially with kids and living together but she's going to have to buck up because that's her life now. I'd never have even dreamed on imposing on a friend like that, and who takes three days to move out? You just grab what you need and walk out and arrange for large stuff later. Does leave you wondering if this was all part of the break up to begin with.
But please op no matter what you do don't sacrifice your happiness and ultimately the health of your baby for anyone especially a 'friend'

@tireandsore101

It's good she is going 2pm today. Make sure she goes regardless of any last minute sob story / change she brings up. "

No you can't stay any longer, DH will drop you off home you can sort something else out from there" She has a home she can return to. You all need your sleep and peace back.

Please don't let her stay again in the future. Nor babysit her children if she asks (as that will be next request I bet whilst you are on Mat Leave!) Put yours and you first.

Remember the phrase "I can't do that, I have enough on my plate" and use it far more often so CFs don't sniff you out
(The "Good luck with finding a way to resolve your problem (it won't be me as I can't help you with that" approach)

tireandsore101 hope you put your feet up when she's gone. Get DH to give you a foot rub. And ignore any bitches on here. They're probably hairy arsed mysoginous men pretending to be female 🤣

I feel sorry for you and her children! If this is how she treats her children in someone else's house, image how she is with them at home!
Watching you carry the bags whilst pregnant is a huge red flag! She has no empathy! Did she come to stay with you because no one else would have her? How does the dad feel about his children not being with him? Are there no grandparents who could help her out with childcare? Ultimately, none of this should be your problem but you need to get her out as soon as possible!

Thank you for your kind messages

I have noticed a few things with the kids her interactions with them that I'm not massively impressed by but Its not my place to judge how she parents

The funny thing is her partner was originally my friend from work and I met her through him
He is a very hands on dad
She's never done a night shift for any of her kids even before she was working
Her partner would do nights with the kids and then wake at 7am and go to work
She's not the most maternal but that's not her fault I suppose
They have no family where they are and not much else where either so I was one of her very few options
I barely see her cause they don't drive and I'm usually busy with my own life

They have decided not to split up so it was just a mini holiday/break for her
She's back to work tomorrow so she will definitely be leaving in the next few hours

My husband had booked me a maternity massage for Tuesday 😂❤️ I am so blessed