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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend staying over

317 replies

tireandsore101 · 03/02/2022 08:46

Hi name changed because I fear I am being unreasonable..
Good friend of mine in the middle of a breakup she lives about 2 hours away from me and asked if she can come stay with her 1 and 3 year olds for a few days while her partner moves out their home.
Obviously I'm trying to be there for her and the kids best I can so said yes.
I'm 8 months pregnant and still working full time also have a 2 year old.
I was hoping she would be considerate of those things.. I've put work off for the next few days to be available to them.
I finished a long physical shift of work last night at 8pm ish picked her up and brought her to my house she entered the house and plopped herself on the sofa and just watched as I struggled to bring the shopping I picked up for her and her 100s of bags/prams/car seats. She then informed me her kids were hungry and I needed to make them something so I made them some popcorn chicken and chips after they all ate she again retreated to the sofa and left me to tidy up wash up all that baring in mind is almost 10 by now
I made a bed for them up in my sons room and moved my son into my bed but she refused to share a room with her kids and insisted she slept downstairs
I asked about them waking in the night and she told me "if they wake up just go in there put them back In bed and sit with them they won't take long to fall back to sleep" by this time my husband came home from work and cut in and told her that's not my job she will need to get up and do it
5am we were woken up to children screaming then 7am to children banging and screaming and then 8am I wake up to find her doing a full makeup and skin routine in the bathroom next to my room with her kids running around upstairs screaming at the top of their lungs.

Quick back ground so I don't drip feed
I work self employed as does my husband running our business
My 2 year old is not at nursery yet and he has always come to work with us
Sometimes he goes to bed at 7pm sometimes at 10pm he is in an awkward nap phase when if he has one he won't sleep till 10/11pm ( some times worse) and if he doesn't have a nap he becomes the devil
Since we all don't have a set routine due to work and things like that whenever we can get the rest/sleep we do
She knows how I've been struggling with sleep insomnia peeing every house and the back pain
So I asked her to be a little considerate of that I showered her around the kitchen for food and anything she might need and told her to help herself if she needs to
I'm just feeling tired and in pain and grumpy this morning
I think she feels she's on holiday and expects me to do everything
I don't know
AIBU for thinking she's being rude or inconsiderate? Or do I need to give her a break as she is going through a hard time?

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 03/02/2022 09:16

Wonder why her partner is leaving when she sounds so delightful?!

She's not a good friend - at all. She needs to go.

FabriqueBelgique · 03/02/2022 09:17

Stop being a doormat and kick the CF out! She’s got a home.

MrHavelIsHot · 03/02/2022 09:17

You describe her as a good friend. She’s not.

Tell her it’s not working and she needs to leave.

Howshouldibehave · 03/02/2022 09:17

She’s a good friend of yours but behaves like this? You have seriously never seen any sign of CF behaviour before in all the time you’ve known her!?

billy1966 · 03/02/2022 09:19

So you have allowed a lazy user to move in.

I feel so sorry for your husband.

I cannot believe that you are not fully aware of how lazy she is based on her first evenings behaviour.

You don't like confrontation?

So you are happy to have this annoyance in your house?

Your poor partner.

She has NO plans, because she has moved in with YOU.

Good look getting rid of her.

Is she more important to you than your family and partner?

If you don't TELL she needs to be gone after 3 nights, she will be with you for weeks.

She knows well you have NO boundaries and that she can use you and your home.

And that is EXACTLY what she intends to do.

Good luck.

MummyJasmin · 03/02/2022 09:19

She's using you. Stop being a doormat/too nice!

No wonder her partner has had enough.

Ungrateful, entitled cow.

Somethingsnappy · 03/02/2022 09:20

Yes, just say, you are all too tired and it isn't working and chuck her out, selfish idiot.

Enzbear · 03/02/2022 09:21

Surely it's her DH who should be staying with friends for a few days. What an upheaval for her poor dc not to mention you and yours.
No way would I have left the house or moved young children.

5keletor · 03/02/2022 09:21

Don't worry about upsetting her, she's taking you for a ride and doesn't care about you all that much, by the sounds of it. Who sits and watches an 8 months pregnant woman carry their bags for them? She should also have made her own bed up, or at least helped, you don't watch someone struggle like that, especially after a long shift.
If you really can't confront her, would your husband tell her she needs to leave, with you beside him, agreeing? That way he says it, but it's very clear you feel the same. Although I think it would be best coming from you.

Snaketime · 03/02/2022 09:22

My first thought was no wonder her relationship has ended, just wow. If you are no good at confrontation tell your husband how she treated you like her personal maid and let him show her the door.

EmmaH2022 · 03/02/2022 09:24

@thewomanacrossthestreet

No wonder her DP had enough of her....

Just tell her to leave OP just say sorry this isn't going to work out if you can't be helpful or give me a hand. They are your children and I expect you to look after them in these circumstances. She's a CF.

This.
GettingThemFromHereToThere · 03/02/2022 09:25

My jaw hit the floor honestly.

Blimey OP what planet is your friend living on! You're 8 months pregnant!

In order to save your friendship you need to speak up quickly.

"It's so lovely to have you here but I'm 8 months pregnant so can't be waking up with your kids, making all the meals or providing childcare.

Also, can I ask when the kids wake up could you please take them downstairs so that I and toddler can get more sleep please."

Any normal person would apologise profusely and would do all they could not to be a burden. If she continues you'll have to ask her to leave.

billy1966 · 03/02/2022 09:28

OP,
If needs be use your husband as an excuse that she needs to be gone by Sunday.

Whatever it takes.

This stress is not good for you or your baby.

Get her out.

AllOfUsAreDead · 03/02/2022 09:33

@thewomanacrossthestreet

No wonder her DP had enough of her....

Just tell her to leave OP just say sorry this isn't going to work out if you can't be helpful or give me a hand. They are your children and I expect you to look after them in these circumstances. She's a CF.

This. She's a complete bitch.

I'd have lost it with her and told her that maybe it's her laziness and lack of giving a shit over her kids screaming constantly that drove her partner out, plus her lack of consideration for others. She was more concerned about putting her face of make up on than your welfare. She is not a friend.

2022IamHavingYa · 03/02/2022 09:41

What an absolute cow! Who even does that?
Years ago when my marriage ended I stayed with a friend for a couple of weeks waiting for my new house to be ready. I bent over backwards! I cooked most nights, I tidied, cleaned, bought shopping etc and kept out the way some evenings so not to be in the way. I just thought everyone did that if a friend was helping them. How wrong am I!

She needs the boot OP. Tell her to either sleep in with the kids or take them
Down stairs as soon as they wake up, then arrange to get her out at the weekend

icelollycraving · 03/02/2022 09:42

Could you tell her that if dh had seen her getting you running around after her last night, she would have not stayed the night. Tell her if she wants to stay the weekend (give her the timeframe) she needs to step up. You’re pregnant, working and knackered. If she doesn’t want to go that, she needs to go home (where she will have to look after herself and her family).
Come on op, you’ll feel really proud of yourself.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 03/02/2022 09:45

I think you need to sit her down and sort things out, and make expectations very clear:
"right Mary, let's have a cup of tea and sort out what we're doing...
"you can stay until next tuesday because then we have other things going on...
"You can cook monday, wednesday and friday... the nearest supermarket is tesco...

CannelloniMacaroni · 03/02/2022 09:45

She has time and energy to put on full make up but not to help you carry the shopping bags?

Don’t do this to your child and dp (since you’re sadly not thinking of yourself).

theremustonlybeone · 03/02/2022 09:55

Sorry but she would be told to pack up and return home. What a dreadful person. I would be telling your DH what she did as if you cant deal with confrontation it sounds like he would have no issue in telling her to leave.

sillysmiles · 03/02/2022 09:58

Unless there is some background of DV/coercive control and she isn't safe being on her own then she needs to put her big girl pants on and find somewhere else to stay.
If she is staying with you she needs to step up and adult.

notanoccultexpert · 03/02/2022 10:00

I don't get how someone can be such a close friend that you would accept putting them up for a few nights - whilst also not being close enough to call her out on her totally unacceptable behaviour?

Flickflak · 03/02/2022 10:01

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TheDivineOddity · 03/02/2022 10:06

You describe this person as a 'good friend'.

I have to tell you op that this person is not any friend of yours.

She lives two hours away, how often did you see her and what did the friendship consist of immediately prior to her moving in?

Time to prioritise yourself and your unborn child, you know what to do.

SeasonFinale · 03/02/2022 10:07

Seriously though re her bags. You should have left them in the car and she would have had to get them if she needed anything.

Firm conversation now. She is not on holiday but a temporary housemate so needs to pull her weight and look after her own kids too.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 03/02/2022 10:07

@JustAnotherUserinParadise

I think you need to sit her down and sort things out, and make expectations very clear: "right Mary, let's have a cup of tea and sort out what we're doing... "you can stay until next tuesday because then we have other things going on... "You can cook monday, wednesday and friday... the nearest supermarket is tesco...
Exactly this! This person is not a friend, but she's here now, so spell out both the conditions and the time limit of her stay, and stick to it. On her last day, help her pack, even though it shouldn't be necessary, just to make sure she and the brats leave. Then no more visitors until after baby arrives, and then only those you have invited and who will make themselves useful in the way you need after the birth, if indeed you do want visitors!