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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend staying over

317 replies

tireandsore101 · 03/02/2022 08:46

Hi name changed because I fear I am being unreasonable..
Good friend of mine in the middle of a breakup she lives about 2 hours away from me and asked if she can come stay with her 1 and 3 year olds for a few days while her partner moves out their home.
Obviously I'm trying to be there for her and the kids best I can so said yes.
I'm 8 months pregnant and still working full time also have a 2 year old.
I was hoping she would be considerate of those things.. I've put work off for the next few days to be available to them.
I finished a long physical shift of work last night at 8pm ish picked her up and brought her to my house she entered the house and plopped herself on the sofa and just watched as I struggled to bring the shopping I picked up for her and her 100s of bags/prams/car seats. She then informed me her kids were hungry and I needed to make them something so I made them some popcorn chicken and chips after they all ate she again retreated to the sofa and left me to tidy up wash up all that baring in mind is almost 10 by now
I made a bed for them up in my sons room and moved my son into my bed but she refused to share a room with her kids and insisted she slept downstairs
I asked about them waking in the night and she told me "if they wake up just go in there put them back In bed and sit with them they won't take long to fall back to sleep" by this time my husband came home from work and cut in and told her that's not my job she will need to get up and do it
5am we were woken up to children screaming then 7am to children banging and screaming and then 8am I wake up to find her doing a full makeup and skin routine in the bathroom next to my room with her kids running around upstairs screaming at the top of their lungs.

Quick back ground so I don't drip feed
I work self employed as does my husband running our business
My 2 year old is not at nursery yet and he has always come to work with us
Sometimes he goes to bed at 7pm sometimes at 10pm he is in an awkward nap phase when if he has one he won't sleep till 10/11pm ( some times worse) and if he doesn't have a nap he becomes the devil
Since we all don't have a set routine due to work and things like that whenever we can get the rest/sleep we do
She knows how I've been struggling with sleep insomnia peeing every house and the back pain
So I asked her to be a little considerate of that I showered her around the kitchen for food and anything she might need and told her to help herself if she needs to
I'm just feeling tired and in pain and grumpy this morning
I think she feels she's on holiday and expects me to do everything
I don't know
AIBU for thinking she's being rude or inconsiderate? Or do I need to give her a break as she is going through a hard time?

OP posts:
Fredstheteds · 04/02/2022 17:47

Flipping cheek

LoisLane66 · 04/02/2022 17:52

Well, I only got through the first couple of paragraphs before feeling really angry on behalf of the OP.
I wouldn't have lugged anything of hers out of the car nor would I have expected to cook AND wash up afterwards
Nope, she's one entitled *ker. I hope the stay is a very very short one and I'm glad your DH told her what's what.
Now you know what she's REALLY like and maybe that's why the marriage has broken up.

Cariadm · 04/02/2022 17:52

Things went wrong very quickly and if a so called 'friend' of mine sat on the sofa watching me at 8 months preggars struggling to bring bags in, (especially if it was her stuff!) I would have just said, maybe in a jokey way, 'Hey how about giving me a hand here, this is your stuff!?'...it would have been interesting to hear her response and would have given you an early indication of what she was expecting from your kind offer of refuge!! I can understand that you don't like 'confrontation', who does, but she sounds like the sort of person that if you give her the proverbial inch...well you know the rest?! She has to go, ASAP!!!

LoisLane66 · 04/02/2022 17:58

Glad it's sorted. Reeeelax. 😁💐

Sydendad · 04/02/2022 18:10

Did I get this wrong or are you 8 months pregnant? Which imbicil of a person imposed herself on an 8 month pregnant and makes her carry her luggage and make her and her kids food. I think she is abusive, rude and obnoxious. I think you should tell your husband about her making you carry all her shit so he can throw her out.
The problem is you are feeling sorry for her. There is no need to feel sorry for her, empathy maybe, but not sorry. She is still a grown woman and has gotten to where she is through her own choices and she will get to a better place only through her own choices and actions. She needs to still take care of herself and her kids.

Honestly grow a backbone and don't put up with it.

You are not being unreasonable if anything you are far too reasonable.

Viviennemary · 04/02/2022 18:12

Chuck this cf out of your house. Madness.

AutomaticMoon · 04/02/2022 18:15

OP there are videos on YouTube on assertiveness and being a people pleaser. Probably started in your childhood.

YankeeDad · 04/02/2022 18:16

It sounds as though there is good news and bad news for you. But, the good news is more important.

First, the bad news: this "friend" is not much of a friend to you.

Now, the good news: it sounds as though you chose an awesome husband for yourself!

2bazookas · 04/02/2022 18:23

She's taking complete advantage. Just say

"Sorry, Sue, this is not working out. I'm exhausted and you need to leave. Book yourself into a local hotel and call a taxi. "

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/02/2022 18:30

Ignore the bitches who love to kick someone when they're down...

It is easy for a friendship, particularly one conducted mostly remotely, to slide into one taking advantage of the other without really realising it.

My rule of thumb is this.

Can I say 'ok mate fuck off now you're taking the piss'.

If my friend is taking the piss and I say this, he/she would say 'oh shit sorry, I've been a nobhead' and make up for it and/or go away.

If I feel I cannot say that to someone - then they aren't actually a friend.

If I feel i can say it but ill get a load of abuse back, then they still aren't actually a friend.

Josally · 04/02/2022 18:32

Boundaries are important. You don’t need to be nasty, just straightforward. Have a conversation with your friend and agree a few things. Good luck!

Insanelysilver · 04/02/2022 18:34

Oh God poor you. She sounds like she’s being ever so selfish. This is all you need, especially at the moment.
I think if you can you should say that you will need her to go home tomorrow as you’re very pregnant snd finding it very exhausting and you don’t want to take any risks.
I know it’s really hard though as she’s going through a breakup. I hate confrontation too but might be worth ripping the band aid off to get rid.

Stressedout1009 · 04/02/2022 18:41

What a lovely person you are to help her through a tough time. But I have to say I have no wonder why her dp is leaving. She sounds lazy at a minimum. You definitely need to ask her to leave asap.

ClaireEclair · 04/02/2022 18:44

Why indulge her at the start? “Can you give me a hand with the bags”, “I’ll make dinner and you can do the dishes” and so on. I don’t understand why people are such push overs. And I’m saying this as someone who is usually shy and a people pleaser. I wouldn’t put up with this crap from a friend and my friends wouldn’t either.

Mirw · 04/02/2022 18:44

She might be in a bad place but she is taking the mickey. You need to tell her or 1. You will go into meltdown, and 2. Your blowout will break your friendship. You are going over and above and she needs to get a grip. If you can't do it on your own, get your partner to give you support, but get it done for your state of mind.

Liz1tummypain · 04/02/2022 18:44

I recommend you try to get rid of her. All the best.

Joelijane · 04/02/2022 18:47

Ughhhh, awful, feel for you. State your boundary, be courageous and know that it's not just for you but your 2 yr old child and unborn baby that your doing it xxx

browneyes77 · 04/02/2022 18:48

Wow. Just wow.

My jaw actually hit the floor reading this.

If I’d asked a friend if I could stay due to going through a hard time, I would be running around all over the shop trying to help her and do whatever I could to show how grateful I was for her hospitality.

This girl is a CF beyond belief. As someone else said, she knows you’re unlikely to say much and is going to take complete advantage of that.

I’m glad you have a good DH that has your back and won’t put up with it! Good for him!

Granjeanne · 04/02/2022 18:51

Nobody needs "friends" like this. Tell her straight that she is exploiting her and tell her to leave. Book her into the nearest Premier Inn ASAP. Don't risk your pregnancy because of her selfish behaviour. No wonder she is breaking up with her partner!

Mumontour85 · 04/02/2022 18:54

How fucking rude is she??!!
I mean... the audacity of asking a friend for a massive favour - because FYI, it IS A MASSIVE FAVOUR to ask someone to house you AND your two kids - and then behaving in this way is just too much.

And you're 8 months preggers and she's just watching you run around after her AND making demands?!

'You need to feed my kids'
'If they wake up just put them back to bed'

I mean, this all gives potentially fair reasons as to why her relationship broke down! What a self absorbed asshole!

Most guests would be making dinner, easing the stress, offering to help in any way they can to pay their way...

Please don't feel anything but lucky that you found an awesome man that looks after you! He sounds like a wonderful man and I'm glad he's got your back and defends your honour! Please also don't feel like a pushover, you're a good friend and didn't want want hurt someone going through something horrid. Having said that, you also need to look after yourself and put you first!!

curlydiamond · 04/02/2022 19:00

Nothing to add re your cheeky supposed friend. But I hear you on the 2 year old with difficult sleep - mine is the same, 10 min nap at noon and he's up past 10pm. Can't be easy whem heavily pregnant, the last thing you need is another adult and more noisy kids in your space.

tearinghairout · 04/02/2022 19:04

Well done, OP. You sound as if you've got a lot on your plate anyway and yiu were trying to be kind but she took massive advantage. Glad she's going tomorrow and you get your house back. Let's hope her DH takes her back!

Also, find some baby groups so you aren't reliant on her and have some nicer friends with dch.

StartingTomorrow · 04/02/2022 19:04

She's no friend, sorry

Bertiebiscuit · 04/02/2022 19:08

I can't believe you've put up with this - she has to go NOW - & BTW she is no friend, just a selfish user, I would "ghost" her to be honest - bye bye,

Yogalola · 04/02/2022 19:11

She is really taking the p..s!