Blended Family - who is BU?

[blendedfamilyopinionspls]

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

Question 2?:are you being serious?;you might as well hold up a sign on Xmas day saying "you're not my kid"

If you've been in her life since she was 3 so 10+ years;why is this an issue now?

Question 1.. I think it's a bit silly to be breaking it down that much. It's a couple of trips a month. Does it matter where the money comes from ?

Question 2... No. No child should purposely be given less because they have other family

1)Yes
2) No as sounds like spends vast majority of time at mum's house
But I know nothing about these things

How petty and ridiculous

I think question 2 must be a joke!

The child maintenance payment should go in the general pot and be used for whatever it’s needed for.

No child should wake up on Christmas morning and have less presents than the children they’re waking up with. It doesn’t matter what else they get on top.

1. Maybe
2. Definitely no

No and no.

I’m on the fence with number one but, with regards to number two, I’d say definitely not. Your tastes get more expensive as you get older. I wouldn’t budget a set amount for each child as their ages are far too different. Just buy each of them what you can afford based on what you know they would like or need. This will wax and wane over time anyway.

I'd say at this age you'd spend more on the teenager's presents than the younger children just because of her age. I'd barely spend a thing on a baby/toddler!

Can't the maintenance money just go into the joint account? It doesn't necessarily have to be ringfenced.

All sounds odd.

In your household all income comes in, and then expenses must be paid. If not enough income to cover costs, cut back on expenses.
I can’t see how it’s relevant petrol or not if money comes into joint pot and expenses go out.

Christmas presents - don’t make this a thing. Your children are all very different ages. Treat them accordingly- teen will notice, baby will not. By the time primary is a teen, teen will be a young adult etc. Treat them according to their ages and needs, not their parentage,

The presents- depends where all are opened.

If dad delivers massive pile of stuff for teenager on christmas eve at 9pm, such that teenager wakes up to huge pile of stuff much bigger than younger siblings - this is tricky. I'd probably ask teen to tactfully open presents from dad's side at his house rather than reducing gift size at mums house.

No and no.

Child maintenance is for so many things but I don’t think it should necessarily be directed at travel time for contact, surely that is separate (and 50/50 by the sounds of it, if the family is only collecting and not doing both trips?) I think if someone is insisting on breaking down every detail of those trips, i get the vibe that one parent, (none bio) parent, is holding onto some resentment there

And for the second, I couldn’t myself to celebrate family occasions in my own home with any child being treated differently because of their parents differences. I am not dumb to the fact a child may get a birthday and presents at X house AND Y house but all you can control is your unit and I think it’s best to keep if fair between all kids in your 4 walls.

Each to their own

1. Yes
2. No. you can't assume that the other parent is giving an equal amount so dc1 loses out if other parent is crap. At the moment, the younger kids won't understand the relative value of gifts. For example a pair of fancy trainers for dc1 might equal a few of dc2/3 gifts combined. If dc1 gets a games console then you shouldn't buy something that's worth more than that for tue sake of it.

Personally I buy my kids what I want to and their dad buys what he wants to. I wouldn't buy less because they are getting stuff from dad and he'd be the same

Equal money spent on each child at Christmas and birthdays.
Is the Child benefit paid into the joint account?

1. surely it's such a little amount it's completely negligible. (but other parent should be doing half the travelling if possible)

2. No way, why are you even asking this after ten years. What a horrible question.

To answer a few questions.

CM did used to go in family pot but non resident a bit flaky with jobs so this has increased and decreased a fair bit over the years and caused friction between married couple. So they agreed to avoid further confrontation CM would be paid directly to wife to cover all extra expenses for teenager other than basic living costs (as wife earns a salary which contributes to the home)

Presents from non resident parent are never opened in the blended family home and are kept at non resident parents house. Unless it's something like a book they are reading. Or in one instance where parents went half on a laptop (which is obviously used most at the blended family home)

Is this real? If you’re married, isn’t it all just family money anyway?

I’m a bit flabbergasted by this tbh as the families I know where stepparents have been on the scene for almost all of the kids’ lives, they don’t really consider themselves to be “blended” or make a big distinction between stepchildren and biological children. They treat everyone exactly the same.

1- yes
2 - no

We don't receive any child benefit.

Travel for contact is 50/50. Non resident parent collects, resident parent collects to return home

1. I got a bit lost in the detail, but if the father is covering the pick ups it seems fair enough that the mother cover the returns. If the father is underpaying maintenance overall, then that’s a wider issue to be addressed.

1. No. And you know that.

Why’s this come up now when you’ve been together so long?

Maintenance should go in the main pot.

Presents change as children grow. I have a toddler and two DSC with a ten year gap. They have much less stuff for Christmas because they get expensive things in small packages and vouchers. DD gets piles of books, clothes, soft toys - as they did at the same age. We spend more on them as they’re older both she has more volume.

Wow. You’re calling your wife ‘flaky’ and thinking that a child you’ve been living with for 10+ years can get less presents than your own children?

I really despair sometimes.

Your teen is already penalised in life by not growing up/living with both parents unlike their siblings. Even if they get some extra presents from their NRP it’s not going to make up for that feeling that they have a different childhood experience to their siblings

Now you want to penalise them even more by giving them less in Christmas morning? Nice way to show that they are a full member of your family