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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blended Family - who is BU?

375 replies

blendedfamilyopinionspls · 02/02/2022 22:35

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

OP posts:
ABCDEFyou · 02/02/2022 23:28

If you're the wife, you're married to an arsehol who doesn't see you daughter as an equal family member. He doesn't seem to respect you much either.

If you're the husband. You're an arsehole.

Merryoldgoat · 02/02/2022 23:29

Having grown up like this I swear I will never inflict this on my children. I have a happy marriage but if I end up single I’ll be staying that way.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/02/2022 23:29

Child maintenance is not inte ded to "cover extra teenage costs". It should go in the family pot, and then money be used as appropriate for all children of the family.

I can't believe anyone would consider penalising a child at Christmas for the crime of having parents who split! That is terrible.

My main suggestion is that the step parent should stop trying to act like a child who has been in his family since they were 3 isn't a member of the family, the same as the biological dc!

Pinkyxx · 02/02/2022 23:30

You're not describing a ''family'' - families do not marginalize one member or seek to protect their own interests at the expense of another.

I feel very sorry for your wife and step child. I just hope the child has no idea you insist on parsing out what you perceive to be a cost specific to them and insist their mother covers it. The fact you do this knowing the NRP is ''flaky'' in terms of paying CM, and while she's on maternity leave, speaks volumes. Shame on you.

I can't imagine sharing a home let alone having 2 children with a man who felt like this. Not having to deal with this sanctimonious crap is one of the huge upsides of being a single parent.

Floralnomad · 02/02/2022 23:30

CM goes into the family pot so 1 is a non issue and wrt presents the step child shouldn’t be penalised for having a petty , tight , knob for a step father .

BurntToastAgain · 02/02/2022 23:32

See, I think the petrol question is actually worse than the presents one.

It’s just so incredibly petty and miserly.

It makes me want to point out that the wife is down £100 a month in CB for her eldest because her not very sounding husband earns over the threshold. Maybe she she claim that and use that to pay for the teenager. Sure it’ll mean the money comes out of the husband’s salary but the teenager is disadvantaged because of that (in this universe where he must be paid for by child maintenance alone).

Or… you could just be less miserly.

The presents question might be vaguely reasonable if there wasn’t such an enormous age gap that the presents aren’t even comparable. I mean, if it were asked in a different way and the tone of everything wasn’t so off.

Chickychoccyegg · 02/02/2022 23:32

Obviously no one spends as much on a small child as a teenager, gifts for teenagers are more expensive, toys for younger children come in big boxes and look more for less money, no way should teenage dc have less spent on her than the others, thats a horrible suggestion.
I dont know about the petrol, is it not just a case of putting petrol in the car when it's needed , therefore coming out of joint/family money?.
To be honest, it would probably be easier to pool the maintenance money with other money .

LadyMaid · 02/02/2022 23:36

If the family pot is being used to cover the teenagers day to day expenses then why isn't the child maintenance being added to it?

That is your answer to question 1.

Question 2 is appalling.

It's interesting that some step parents want to exclude their step kids from holidays and spending etc however expect to be treated like a parent when it suits them.
Mothers day, fathers day and having a big role in their step kids weddings.

tkwal · 02/02/2022 23:39

Joint household income covers teenagers living expenses ? That annoys me even more than contemplating reducing her gifts...the married couple chose to live in a house with a mortgage, she/he didnt. Does the baby have living expenses too ?...I just can't believe this.Are you an accountant ? Or a robot ?

fallfallfall · 02/02/2022 23:41

you are not a blended family.
obviously your not doing well as a whole financially that your are having to nit pick like this.
you suck up the teens expenses and smile about it knowing you are raising the next generation of humans.
you should all be in this together...not 1 pot, 2 pot, 3 pot more.

Earlydancing · 02/02/2022 23:41

@Bookaholic73

Wow. You’re calling your wife ‘flaky’ and thinking that a child you’ve been living with for 10+ years can get less presents than your own children?

I really despair sometimes.

They didn't say the wife was flaky! They said the wife's ex has been flaky with jobs.
JammyRascal · 02/02/2022 23:46

Husband is a knob, if he's raising these issues now. Absolutely disgusting and pathetic.

perimenofertility · 02/02/2022 23:48

I'm wondering if the teenager also has a dedicated space in the fridge for "their" food? Confused
This family sounds unnecessarily obsessed with money and lacking in warmth.

Tubs11 · 02/02/2022 23:48

My heart breaks for your teenager, has your current husband always treated them like this? I hate to think of the damage this could have on their MH

Earlydancing · 02/02/2022 23:48

If I'd lived with a child from the age of three for at least 10 years, I'd treat them exactly like my own. I'd pay for them as I'd pay for my biological children, out of a central pot, and anything the ex gave, no matter how unreliable, would just go into the joint bank account. I wouldn't be happy parsing my life like this. And how upsetting for the eldest child - to have people arguing over money for them. That must make them feel very insecure in the family unit. (Such as it is.)

Bussinbussin · 02/02/2022 23:49

This post reeks of a person resenting spending any of their money towards a child they've raised for at least the last 10 years, while expecting that child's mother to sacrifice her own income to be principal home maker and carer of OP's children. What a fucking catch.

vodkaredbullgirl · 02/02/2022 23:50
Hmm
Merryoldgoat · 02/02/2022 23:51

It's interesting that some step parents want to exclude their step kids from holidays and spending etc however expect to be treated like a parent when it suits them.
Mothers day, fathers day and having a big role in their step kids weddings.

This is so spot on. And of course if they acted decently they wouldn’t need to fight for recognition.

Houseofvelour · 02/02/2022 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blueberryflavour · 02/02/2022 23:57

What an awful way to live your life, this is not a blended family this is barely a family. Fuck sake arguing about a few pounds here or there.
I met my DH when my son was 3, his bio dad buggered off and I never chased him for CM ( I had my reasons) we now have a child together. My DH is my son’s father in every way that counts and supports him emotionally and financially, I work full time as well. If my DH carried on like this over a few pounds we would not be together.

quartzblue · 02/02/2022 23:59

We have a similar ish situation with ages of the dc/step dc. Much older teen and 2 younger dc, DH is the main earner. TBH we just pool everything as a family, don't separate any finances. Of course some things get paid from different bank accounts for practical reasons but we don't keep tabs on how money is spent differently across the dc. Eldest dc does get more spent on them for Christmas/birthdays tbh simply because things like games and clothes for teens cost a lot more than plastic toys for toddlers. He eats a hell of a lot more too! But the youngsters will grow up and have more spent on them when they're older, so it will all even out.

Mediocrates · 02/02/2022 23:59

When we blended our family, we did exactly that: blended it.

If after all these years my DH decided to start counting up how much my daughter cost him in petrol and suggested cutting kids' present budgets according to how much their other parents spend, I'd remind him that we're a family.

You sounds pretty mean. I feel for your DSC and your wife.

Hightemp · 03/02/2022 00:00

@Halo1234

You are over thinking it. If everyone feels loved equal and has enough of the practical things they need then the rest doesn't matter. Teenager should have a big budget for presents because of their age. Find it a little shocking you would think she should have less at Christmas and birthdays. Your youngest doesn't even know what a birthday is yet why are u giving this hesdspace now? After being a big part of her life since she was 3. Now it's an issue who buys her petrol. Who cares, as long as everyone has what they need does it matter.
This
Monopolyiscrap · 03/02/2022 00:00

I would be concerned that the teenager is not getting enough money to meet the costs in 1 if child maintenance goes up and down. I suspect the mother will be using her own discretionary spending to make sure her child does not lose out.
I feel sorry for the teenager in this house. It is not a blended family. The teenager is being treated as an outsider.

mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 00:02

This

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