Blended Family - who is BU?

[blendedfamilyopinionspls]

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

@frazzledasarock has simplified your query into two succinct sentences. It’s all you need to know.

So sad to read of another child being punished by adults for things completely beyond their control.

This is an awful dynamic for a child to grow up in. They didn't choose to be part of a blended family, they have no control over finances.

Either your husband stops trying to punish them or he fucks off.

How would your H feel if NRP suddenly upped his contribution to £2000 pcm and your teen enjoyed a significantly more luxurious lifestyle than the other children in the family?

I could understand question 1 more if he was a recent addition to your family. But not with him having known her since she was 3! It’s like he’s got no heart.

I’m sorry OP, but your husband has issues. He had been DSD since your DC was three and he’s still divvying up the cost of things, down to the amount you spend on presents and petrol costs. You don’t need anyone here to tell you your husband is being completely unreasonable. I would be questioning how his affects your child. This whole situation sounds horrid and you can bet your life they are picking up on this.

Q3. Should the OP get a life and stop being a mean, miserable person?

Oh just tested it is the OP’s husband. He needs to just fuck of. The teenager will be picking up this vibe and it’s vile.

If you have a relationship where he would stop you using the car, he's a nasty arsehole and why are you with him?.

He's obviously very resentful of your poor child.

She doesn't deserve this.
Has this been her childhood?
Him resenting her?

And you have had another child with him?🙄

That poor girl.

Your partners a prick. End of conversation. Your poor teenage who probably feels like a second class citizen in their own home because no matter what you say i bet he’s sending those vibes. Being a dick about you using fuel in your car out of the family pot to pick your kid up. Just what?!?!
I can’t even comment on the present thing because it’s probably the most shockingly mean thing I’ve read on Mumsnet for a long time.
I bet because of his super dooper important job he doesn’t pull his weight with chores or his own kids either.
Ew.

So he’s been part of his SC’s life for at least 10 years and still separates them off because not his family?

That’s shit. I hope he reads this thread and rethinks things.

This is not a blended family at all. The poor, poor teenager.

@Rno3gfr

Does arsehole step dad realise that his wife is working reduced hours, thus having reduced disposable income to spend on Dc1, presumably because she does the bulk of childcare for HIS 2 children? Because of this, it is ridiculous that he resents spending some of his work income on his step child- he owes it to his wife ffs!

This !!! Your contribution is more than the cash value. Or is that supposed to be done for free ?

@blendedfamilyopinionspls

I'm worried about showing him now. I haven't yet as he is at work.

What should I be worried about ?
He asked me to put a thread on here asking for unbiased opinions.

I have told him my views.

I think it would help if you knew what you're worried about.

Personally I'd show him the thread. (You can always name change for future threads needing advice. He knows you're on here now anyway). His reaction will be telling.

If he picks apart your original post (which was so unbiased half the people thought you were actually him!), then it speaks volumes. If he picks apart what we've all basically agreed on, then I'd consider leaving. All your children will have an absent father then so no need for one to be left out or picked on.

If he genuinely listens to what we're all saying (in different ways and with different emphases but basically all agreeing) and agrees he's been wrong, then I'd give him another chance.

Do let us know, OP. There's lots of support here for you.

Why dont you and your DH take the ex husband completely out of the equation money wise and just regard your child as your own (expenses and all). Makes life a lot simpler. Regard any maintenance as a bonus (maybe bank that for your childs uni fees.)

@BloomingTrees

Have you talked about inheritance ? If he's fussing about petrol money maybe you need to have a conversation about the bigger issues.

I wondered this too, have you discussed this OP?

I'm in a similar position in that I stayed at home when the children are little so DH could further his career without worrying about having to share childcare issues. Our money will be split 50/50 anyway (DH's request) but had he not wanted that I would have been mightily miffed if DS1 was short changed whilst DS2 benefited from his Dad heading up the career ladder

Good luck op
I hope you can have a sensible conversation and move on from the complications re Ex

Ultimately - that shouldn’t hold you guys back but the fact is that abuse and neglect of children from previous relationships is just something that happens too often. I don’t want to say there’s a selfish gene imperative .., but the fact is .. it seems there is .

But he ( and you ) are not primitives… and humans today can rise above the bilogical droves for racism and sexism etc

Good luck

If you ARE reading this thread OP's "H" you are a tight, petty bastard.

There. Solved your little dilemma for you.

If he wanted you to earn more he shouldn’t have had dc with you as a start. I hope you do show him and he realises how all your friends would look at him if they knew. That child has been in his life since he was 3, and it sounds like he would like to boot him out the door on his 18th birthday and toss his things after him. If it’s not cutting into budget for food and heating I’d tell him the marriage is on the rocks if he suggests again that you can’t use the family car because it’s taking your son somewhere.

I feel sorry for your teen if this is the resentful attitude he/she has to cope with from his/her stepfather.

Blended family, similar set up only I got even less from my ex.

Maintenance was family income. It went into the pot. We spent it on family expenses.

Family expenses included petrol, the car, clothing for the kids etc. We didn't think oh this car journey is for the benefit of only one of our children ( to have a relationship with her other parent) so we'll charge the petrol and wear and tear to their maintenance. If the teen needed things (and they need a lot more than babies at certain times) then it came out of the family pot. Because we are a family, and that was the deal when we got together. If my OH even suggested only maintenance money and no house money or shared resources would be used to fund something of huge benefit to the teen I'd flip my lid.

And the teen gets flashy presents from the ex and I'm happy for her. I don't buy the little ones extra or her less. She has enough challenges in life without fricking halving her birthday or Christmas presents FGS

As for the present thing... if he/she gets more presents, that might be a tiny compensation for not living with both parents. Just saying...

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Why dont you and your DH take the ex husband completely out of the equation money wise and just regard your child as your own (expenses and all). Makes life a lot simpler. Regard any maintenance as a bonus (maybe bank that for your childs uni fees.)

Exactly this!!

My experience is that we had my stepson(now an adult) and 2 younger children here. He was treated the same in terms of presents. Slightly different in that there was no maintenance payments coming in but at one point we were paying maintenance out.(stopped eventually as custody was 50/50). We have always had one pot of money, everything for all the kids, including stepson, came from that. I think it would be absolutely cruel to give your child less presents than their siblings.

@herpainsceased

As for the present thing... if he/she gets more presents, that might be a tiny compensation for not living with both parents. Just saying...

This idea of compensating children is never helpful. It fuels such toxic dynamics - for the child as much as anyone else.

Flipping heck, you’re making my head spin with your micromanaging! Frankly, my time is too valuable to spend it working out mileage expenses for a teenager. Don’t you have something better to do? The Christmas thing is just weird. Yes a teenager’s gifts are probably more expensive than toys for LOs but there comes s point when they grow up, realise that your spending isn’t limited to Christmas and don’t expect so much (at least thats how it worked for us and now our older DCs; I’m including wider family btw) Are you a family or not? - treat all the children the same.
If you were my OH I’d be laughing my socks off at your pettiness. It’s also deeply deeply unattractive to be ring fencing your children into separate groups.

I'm a bit confused about #1 - child maintenance is usually just absorbed into the usual income of the family to go toward expenses of the child. In this case, it shouldn't matter whether specifically it covers fuel to pick the teenager back up. It sounds like a complete pain to micromanage it so much.

As for #2... You can't spend less on the teenager just because they have a different parent to the other children. They are resident siblings and should be treated equally or you'll foster negativity and the teen will develop a complex. Even if the non resident parent was a millionaire and bought the teenager a pony every year, you'd still need to treat all three children equally from your end.