Blended Family - who is BU?

[blendedfamilyopinionspls]

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

He threatened to not let you use the car?!!! Jesus my boyfriend, BOYFRIEND not even husband or stepdad to my son, will drive me and my son for drop off if i’m too tired because he loves me and cares about my son and knows his dad is a bit rubbish and so wants to support me and my son.

Your husband is coming across as extremely resentful of his stepson. He made the choice to blend families and so his stepson is his family now - yet he’s acting like he’s not. He must have known your ex was crap, but he chose anyway to blend families.

1. Technically yes
2. That's the worst thing I've heard in a long time. As many have pointed out, children's wants/needs change as they grow up. Cutting back on presents will just mean the teenager has less reason to want to be in their primary residence! The poor child will also know that their stepdad doesn't like them.

Threatening to not allow use of the car to fetch the teenager is awful.

The only reason no child benefit is being paid is due to the high earning of the stepfather. I would suggest that the mother claims the child benefit (and uses the larger amount for the first child just for the teenager!), and the stepfather can then do a tax self assessment each year to pay it back. Otherwise, the stepfather should be paying the equivalent of first-child-benefit towards the teenager's costs.

Definitely consider what the situation will be before university. To not let the teenager go because the stepfather doesn't want to pay for him when it is his income that means that the teenager won't be eligible for grants would be mean.

My ex gives our teenage kids a lower value of presents than their younger half siblings, presumably because they also get gifts from me. My kids definitely notice and feel he loves their half siblings more.

I think it is actually really sad that a person who has lived with a chid since they were 3 is so begrudging about fuel to allow them to visit their other parent.

child*

If the petrol has to come from "the teenager's money", then make sure to:

1. fill up the car from the household money before going to fetch the teenager
2. fill up the car from "the teenager's money" just after fetching the teenager

Then the teenager's money has paid for exactly what it cost to fetch them each time (it would be a pain to fill up so often, but it would be fair)

Or, the teenager's stepfather could treat them like a member of the family, and not nitpick so much!

I think you see it as a blended family, but your husband doesn't.

"I hate how your ex is so I'm going to take it out on his child" Basically! And as for presents, why should your teen be treated any differently? That is appalling, it really is. Your H needs to get over himself and accept your teen as an equal part of his family. Poor teen.

Re uni, if DH doesn't want to pay, can the teenager do a move of convenience to NRP when the time comes and that way NRP's income will be used to decide teenager's status? Definitely not ideal but will prevent teenager missing out if OP's DH refuses to contribute.

Does arsehole step dad realise that his wife is working reduced hours, thus having reduced disposable income to spend on Dc1, presumably because she does the bulk of childcare for HIS 2 children? Because of this, it is ridiculous that he resents spending some of his work income on his step child- he owes it to his wife ffs!

@NoneLeft2

"I hate how your ex is so I'm going to take it out on his child" Basically! And as for presents, why should your teen be treated any differently? That is appalling, it really is. Your H needs to get over himself and accept your teen as an equal part of his family. Poor teen.

That would have to happen long in advance of uni time.

My nephew came to live with us because of violence in the home and yet he still had to delay Uni for a year or his parents income would have counted as they know people do that to avoid contributions.

@comfortablyfrumpy

I think you see it as a blended family, but your husband doesn't.

Definitely this ^

The child is a member of your family and should be treated as such. The nrp is irrelevant in this. Your husband is really out of order about all of it - using a child to punish a parent is a massive red flag 🚩

Abusive people are generally not welcome to being told they are abusive. He sounds slike my ExH. Budgeted to the penny but never stuck to it himself. Wouldn't let me use the car to drive to work when I was heavily pregnant and on crutches. Made me take the train because it was cheaper. People like this rarely change, so if you are going to show him this be clear in your mind what you will do if he still believes himself to be in the right.

Poor teen

I couldn't imagine allowing any man to treat my child like that

It doesn't sound like much of a "family". Blended or otherwise

Your updates are incredibly sad. There is a child in the middle of this who has zero control over the actions of 3 adults. Every single one of you is letting her down. The love felt for this child should be greater than the resentment that is felt towards her father. Protect her from this ridiculous situation and tell your husband to give his head a wobble.

Have you talked about inheritance ? If he's fussing about petrol money maybe you need to have a conversation about the bigger issues.

Did you miss the bit where he pays most the bills and puts a roof over his SC head and holidays

Did you miss the bit where he says he "won't allow" her to use the family car twice a month to collect her child?

Or the bit where he wants a teenager to receive fewer Christmas presents than a four year old and a baby?

He doesn't get kudos for the absolute bare minimum of (as he probably sees it) "allowing" his wife's child to live with them. The teenager is as much a part of the family unit as the other two children. This man needs to get over his jealousy and bitterness before it infects the whole family. The teenager is his family member, not an annoying add-on that he had to tolerate to get to shag their mother. It's past time that he starts to act like that.

I think your husband is financially abusing you - and as a result financially and probably emotionally abusing your teenager.

I like playing with budgets and numbers - so lets look at some costings for you...

Basing this on my 12yr old...

Approx £120 a month in clothes/uniform/sports/activities - her school uniform is cheap - no blazer, largerly supermarket non brand etc. She does 2 cheap sports and goes to Guides. She doesn't yet have expensive tastes in clothes - but it is coming!!

School dinners - £2.50 a day, 38 weeks a year = £40 a month

Phone £10

So there is £170 a month. Leaving £30 a month (or £360 annually) for school trips, going out with friends and whatever else it is supposed to cover?

If you were to take the £25 petrol from that - it leaves a teen with £5 a month (or £60 a year) A decent pair of trainers or a school trip to Alton Towers is out of the question then?

If you were both earning minimum wage and were trying to work out where you are going to get the money to cover fuel price rises from I could see he might have a point. However that is clearly not the case.

We have a household income of less than half of what you are suggesting you might have (and a primary schooler too accomdate too) before he suggests we must have lots of spare cash.

Looking at the income numbers You say you get no child benefit so he is earning £60k plus - I suspect a significant amount more.

His take home is minimum £3200 (assuming he pays a 12% pension)
Your take home less than £1000 and I'm going to guess no pension either?

NRP I assume on CMS rates of 12% = £200 means he has a gross pay of £20,000 so a take home of around £1400 assuming again no pension.

So your household - taking into account the CMS payment has income of £4400 and NRP £1200 - and your husband thinks NRP should do both sets of travelling for his child or not see them?

Realisitcally NRP's do appear to get away with not paying the costs of their children - but I think especially when income is low RP (and their partners!) have to apprecicate the NRP has to support a whole separate household for themselves too and just don't have spare money.

I have said upthread that Student support will expect your household (not the NRP) to support your teenager at university. Fees/Accomodation top ups were around £4500 a year last time I looked. Is your husband going to stop them going to university as a result? It should be noted if you lived alone with your kids then your teen would likely get full loans and not expect these top ups - it is the high earner within the household that is preventing this.

Going forward OP I hope your husband reads this and realises he is being unfair. But if he still thinks that your teen should only get over the basics if their dad pays then I think you might need to rething your living arrangements. I am assuming they are currently a relatively young and impressionable teen given the ages of your other kids? You cannot have a teen growing up in an environment where they are resented and thought to be a sponge - the poor Cinderella - rather than part of the family. That is increadibly damaging to them - and indeed to the other kids who will come to realise they are treated much better. Your teen will resent you for letting this happen to them and your relationship will be very difficult going forward.

You need to put a stop to this silly nonsense and agree to move forward as a whole family or as 2 completely separate parts. For the sake of all your children - and indeed yourself!

I think the problem here is reductive one dimensional thinking. Everything is being reduced to cost, but the way financial contributions are being calculated is also skewed.

To give a neutral example - it’s cheaper to buy milk in the shop than get it delivered. But it can work out cheaper to get it delivered if you factor in the cost of transport, impulse shopping and how that time is being used. Sometimes when you take a wider view the numbers change.

Women take a financial hit from having dc - that goes beyond the drop in pay on maternity but has knock on effects in loss of experience, loss of promotional opportunities, loss of pension earnings. Men benefit professionally from being perceived as more dependable and from not having to juggle childcare, sick days and households. To simply say that “this is my money because I earned it” is showing a crashing lack of awareness.

It’s even more galling because men have the ability to 100% protect themselves from accidental pregnancy by not having sex if they choose.

Regardless of how much you earn surely the point of it is to provide for those you love? If it’s just to see numbers rising on a bank account then don’t have dc! This man not only had 2 but married a woman with one already.

I think he’s lost sight of what’s important, and is caught up in a conflict with another man. He needs to stop focusing on punishing him and focus on being a bigger man himself. What are his values?

I don’t think there’s a lot to be gained by sharing a thread like this. He’s likely to just dig his heels in rather than say “oh how wise the women of MN are - I really am a toe rag”.

If you feel that there’s something worth saving in this relationship I would get him talking about his values and how he sees himself. And get a conversation going about whether he’s aligned with those values or allowing the actions of your ex to cause him to act in a way that will cause damage within his own family. What kind of man would he like his teenage sdc to see him as?

To the OP - what kind of mother even allows these issues to take hold? Your child's happiness and welfare is not a negotiating point. Grow a backbone. You're supposed to be your child's champion, not feebly entertaining bullshit from an inadequate who thinks your child doesn't deserve to be a full part of family holidays.

Both of you should understand and move forward with the knowledge that if any one person in this family is disposable, it's not one of the children.

You say you both get an allowance from the family pot - but you don't say it is an equal allowance.... that is telling...

I'm feeling this isnt about money? It's about exasperation of flakey nrp. Since he has been in terms life since they were 3 died dh not view then as family?

Honestly, the fact that he’s talking about what you are and are not allowed to do is horrendous.

Expecting someone to factor in the effects of their actions in everyone else is fine (and being annoyed when someone keeps doing something that suits them but very negatively affects others). But that’s not what’s happening here.

There’s plenty of money. No one is negatively affected by the petrol usage. Yet the husband is deciding he’s in charge of who is ‘allowed’ to use the car and for what.

That is not good.

1. Maybe. A small contribution would be nice, but does it really matter where it comes from?

1. No. I do see your logic but that's pretty rough for the teenager.

Question 1 - The child maintenance should be put into the joint finance pot and everything for that child be bought, as it would be for the other 2. If the maintenance runs out then oh well and if theres some left at the end of the month then oh well.

Question 2 - No. The teenager is your child. Whether step or biological. Treat them the same as their siblings. When you are gone all they will have is each other so dont be drawing boundary lines now.