Blended Family - who is BU?

[blendedfamilyopinionspls]

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

Even asking this question is petty.

HRTFT but it shouldn't be a question.

Either you're a family or you're not.

I HATE blended families. It's always these horrible questions where some fucker is trying to justify dickish behaviour to child.

Good luck with your complicated life. I hope you don't damage the children too badly.

Some alternative views -
The teenager lives with Dad and stepmom ever since the divorce but goes to visit mum twice a month. … How come non resident mum doesn’t do the driving both ways… surely it’s great contact time ? Driving chats are the best ! And a great way to increase contact time. If not, then it should be covered by the resident parent as it’s great for them to be together ( without the adorable (but also annoying) toddlers amd resentful petty stepmom
In our family we fight over who gets the driving time with the teenager on their long road trips ( plays sport which requires lots of chauffeuring ). It is often the only chance to chat properly.
And driving alone for a keg of the trip is also great time away from the busy household - no pesky kids and dogs ! Catch up on podcasts… what fun. Obviously baby can come if necessary but so much better not to . It is not a chore and money should not be that tight if you’re a higher rate tax payer

If nobody wants to be woth the teenager alone in the car ( poor kid ) then DS may be old enough to get driven to and from train station and do the main train trip alone. I imagine this would be paid by non resident parent but nobody should be resenting this

Secondly - Also petty and mystifying but I understand that older kids presents are more expensive . The latest trainer or iPhone or jacket
It could be shared with non resident parent .

After age 12 have a family rule,
one luxury treat they really want
and one they actually need.
One trinket or gesture for the love you share
and one ( or more ) books to read.

The first two are the only expensive items probably - amd costs could be shared with Non resident parent as they are expensive and to stop both parents doubling up. But the rest ( books and trinkets of love ) you give refardless! you don’t want to give them less than the joint kids get as your don’t love them less
Or do you ??

You have had her since she was 3 …
And now , as a teenager , you’re at the trickiest time in her growing up …

How sad

So you earn a handsome wage but you count down to the last penny when it comes to your step child. You sound like a horrible miserly fucker and I'm aghast at why your wife decided to have children with you. I'd never be with a man who treated my child like this. Your poor step child will have mental health issues after growing being regarded like this. Your OP doesn't read well at all.

1. stop managing it so tightly. Into the joint account to be absorbed into family money.
2. Christ no

@blendedfamilyopinionspls

To answer a few questions.

CM did used to go in family pot but non resident a bit flaky with jobs so this has increased and decreased a fair bit over the years and caused friction between married couple. So they agreed to avoid further confrontation CM would be paid directly to wife to cover all extra expenses for teenager other than basic living costs (as wife earns a salary which contributes to the home)

Presents from non resident parent are never opened in the blended family home and are kept at non resident parents house. Unless it's something like a book they are reading. Or in one instance where parents went half on a laptop (which is obviously used most at the blended family home)

So if NRP isn't working and CM doesn't get paid does the teenager just get let at their father's or miss contact because there's no petrol money?

@Superhanz

So you earn a handsome wage but you count down to the last penny when it comes to your step child. You sound like a horrible miserly fucker and I'm aghast at why your wife decided to have children with you. I'd never be with a man who treated my child like this. Your poor step child will have mental health issues after growing being regarded like this. Your OP doesn't read well at all.

Couldn't have worded this any better. If I were the wife I'd have left a long time ago.

CM in pot
All DC equal at Christmas

Poor kid.

1. Put the money in the general pot. I don't see why the flakiness of the non RP affects whether it goes in the pot.
2. For Pete's sake

@Pangolin44

Even asking this question is petty.

HRTFT but it shouldn't be a question.

Either you're a family or you're not.

I HATE blended families. It's always these horrible questions where some fucker is trying to justify dickish behaviour to child.

Good luck with your complicated life. I hope you don't damage the children too badly.

Yep. Blended families are rarely good for the children and only ever done because it's what the adults want. Said adults then kid themselves that the children are totally fine with the whole situation.

All the choices and decisions which have led to this point have been made by the 3 adults, not the child.

You want DSC to suffer when one of their 3 parents let them down financially

And in the tiny areas which may work to their advantage i.e. Christmas presents, you are looking for ways to ensure that DSC doesn't get anything extra.

Suck it up and treat the poor kid equally.

@YupNameChangeAgain

Some alternative views - The teenager lives with Dad and stepmom ever since the divorce but goes to visit mum twice a month. … How come non resident mum doesn’t do the driving both ways… surely it’s great contact time ? Driving chats are the best ! And a great way to increase contact time. If not, then it should be covered by the resident parent as it’s great for them to be together ( without the adorable (but also annoying) toddlers amd resentful petty stepmom In our family we fight over who gets the driving time with the teenager on their long road trips ( plays sport which requires lots of chauffeuring ). It is often the only chance to chat properly. And driving alone for a keg of the trip is also great time away from the busy household - no pesky kids and dogs ! Catch up on podcasts… what fun. Obviously baby can come if necessary but so much better not to . It is not a chore and money should not be that tight if you’re a higher rate tax payer

If nobody wants to be woth the teenager alone in the car ( poor kid ) then DS may be old enough to get driven to and from train station and do the main train trip alone. I imagine this would be paid by non resident parent but nobody should be resenting this

Secondly - Also petty and mystifying but I understand that older kids presents are more expensive . The latest trainer or iPhone or jacket
It could be shared with non resident parent .

After age 12 have a family rule,
one luxury treat they really want
and one they actually need.
One trinket or gesture for the love you share
and one ( or more ) books to read.

The first two are the only expensive items probably - amd costs could be shared with Non resident parent as they are expensive and to stop both parents doubling up. But the rest ( books and trinkets of love ) you give refardless! you don’t want to give them less than the joint kids get as your don’t love them less
Or do you ??

You have had her since she was 3 …
And now , as a teenager , you’re at the trickiest time in her growing up …

How sad

So sorry -Have reread and realise that was totally balls !!! I thought the child was living with high earning dad and a resentful step mum !!

Actually
The teen child is living with tiny half siblings, mum (on Mat leave ) and stingy high earning step dad.

I also shocked to see the joint income isn’t used to pay for child’s clothes/ uniform . This is shocking … all of the teens expenditure ( except shelter and meals ) comes from CM, with no contribution from Joint resident income ( unless mum is sharing from her paltry May leave )

The resident parents should be making a joint contribution too!

It seems likeDickens and David copperfield … how horrific that the original child are resented so much. Every single penny counted. What about the water bill… has someone forgotten to count for that ? Amazing !

Poor poor teen.
More of the JOint family income should be used to support the teenagers spending money and clothes etc. To feel they are as worthwhile as their siblings . Whilst some of the big Christmas gifts could be shared with original dad ( laptop/ phone / fancy trainers or coats ) the child should be getting the rest of their gifts same as the siblings ( piles of books and treats and love trinkets )

I am so sad for the mum who has them gone one to have more kids with this stingy resentful man.

Mum should definitely leave babies with dad to take teenager on a long drive to her dad - they could have some fun !

Stingy dad can get some practice of time alone with kids for when mum leaves him . I cannot believe he has had teen since she was 3 yrs old and has been so heartless

I know of many people who Insist their step dad walk them down the aisle when married as their stepdad was their dad, and their love was great

This man is not worthy of the name of dad
Such a shame

That is so so sad to read
Step parent has been in her Iife since she was 3
None of this should be an issue ,you guys are a family
But clearly the step parent doesn’t feel like that .
I’d not continue in a relationship with someone who treated my child differently to other children in the family

@BurntToastAgain

Have you got a spreadsheet about how much your stepson costs to the penny?

Are you planning to factor in the additional depreciation on the car with the additional mileage? 48 miles by the shortest route indeed.

There are lots of ways to organise money in a blended family, but this all sounds pretty horrible. Something about the tone suggests strongly that you are the husband.

She’s on maternity leave and presumably worked part time to look after your young child pre-maternity leave. And you’re counting every penny that gets spent on her eldest child.

I don’t even know why you’d be comparing presents for the kids. Small children get big piles of stuff because that’s what they like. Teenagers like stuff that costs far more per square inch.

I agree. Sounds like you have an issue with the teenager and quite frankly want to subtly punish her on the present front so she is ‘equal’ with your kids. . Sorry you’re not nice.

Yes

No

What!? Just what!? I assume the husband thinks Sc should get less presents which would make me re think the relationship.

The petrol money is petty, is this coming from the husband again? Urgh he’s not coming across well in this post. Tight and mean.

Wow, how horrible. The couple has been involved since the child was 3, and still causing an argument about petty things? All the children have same mother, lives in the same house, then shouldn't they all be treated equal?

Petrol, maybe. Present definitely no.

This all sounds horribly anal and controlling..

1. I couldn't be that bothered to split money that much.
2. No way, all the same. In fact the teenager probably gets more for now because but that will balance out when they are an adult and the younger children are then teens.

What a horrible way to live.

You're either a family or you're not. Blended or otherwise. Children should all be treated equally.

1. Possibly , but seems petty.

1. No. With that age gap why would you spending the same on teen and younger siblings anyway ? You can get away with spending more on the teen.

1. I take it your the teens step dad who has been in teens life for 10+ years? Is it only now that you have bio children with teens mum that you have thought all this up? Seems like you just want to sideline the teen now that you have your own DCs.

I understand teen mum is on maternity leave and works part time. Have you therefore factored in the monetary value of the work she does in the home - childcare and cleaning ? Thought not.

1. As a higher rate taxpayer a couple of 100 mile trips should worry you unduly - that’s what £30?

1. If there were any grown ups in this petty triangle surely they’d sit down together and agree what to get the teen. Big ticket items like phones or Xboxes are jointly agreed and paid for by my ex and me. My partner and I then together buy them smaller gifts - clothes, books, etc. They shouldn’t get less than their siblings, but they shouldn’t be getting double.

Thanks for all the comments.

I am the wife in this situation.

To clarify.

My H is resentful of NRP as he believes he doesn't financially support his child enough. CM has ranged from £100 - £300 pcm. I currently receive £200 pcm.

I don't pay for the petrol out of CM. It does come out of the family pot. During discussions about NRP and CM this has been suggested, or that he wouldn't allow me to use the car to take child and NRP would have to collect and drop back child.

Re Christmas presents. This was suggested this last Christmas and possibly the Birthday before. I didn't agree so this has never been done.

I am going to show him this thread as I said I would ask on here when the present thing was suggested. We both think each other is wrong but no one to sound it off.

No and No.

High rate tax not entitled to child benefit, sounds spiteful and picky to even be fussed about these points. What actually is bothering you, after so many years why are you treating the eldest differently, think of them as your own surely

If you're higher rate tax payers you should be able to look after all 3 children without the need for this level of detail. It's not about logic. You have 3 children. End of discussion. If you are struggling to budget for 3 kids you shouldn't have had more. This was a sad read, especially the Christmas question.