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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Blended Family - who is BU?

375 replies

blendedfamilyopinionspls · 02/02/2022 22:35

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

OP posts:

BreadInCaptivity · 03/02/2022 00:54

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@BreadInCaptivity I agree that the younger children will see how their father treats their sibling and judge them.
I am a child of a second marriage. I do judge my father for how he treated his stepchildren.[/quote]

I'm sorry you experienced that.

I'm honestly baffled why some SP's can't see the damage/pain/embarrassment they inflict on their own children by treating their half siblings as "lesser" and the perception those children then have of that parent.

Our children don't even like the term half sibling (I use it here for clarity).

HoppingPavlova · 03/02/2022 00:57

No and no.

BreadInCaptivity · 03/02/2022 00:59

The issue isn't the fuel bill or Xmas presents. It's resenting "spending my hard earned cash on a kid that's not mine". Own it

Excellent summation of the situation.

👏👏👏👏

mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 01:02

It sounds a little like someone is upset that some money is hived off for one child while the rest is spent between all of them

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 03/02/2022 01:14

Oh, you're definitely the unreasonable one if you're resenting your partner's child when they've lived with you for 10 years. Poor kid.

However, if you posted this exact same thread in the step-parenting threads and you were a woman (the step mum), amazingly you'd be entirely justified in not wanting to look after someone else's kid, especially now you have your own. You're not an unpaid child minder y'know!!!

Mumsnet is an odd place at times.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 03/02/2022 01:24

Q1: irrelevant question. It’s needs to be paid for somehow.

Q2. Good grief…absolutely not. Unless the intent is to encourage a feeling of total alienation and unwantedness.

twilightcustard · 03/02/2022 01:24

it's obviously the mother writing this. Both questions show that you are dealing with an extremely petty person, nothing more unattractive.

JumperJump · 03/02/2022 01:48

No and no.

Child maintenance should just be part of family pot especially if amount varies. Otherwise husband can start paying wife for all the times she’s looking after their joint kids and earning no income.

Husband is being a bit of a dick if he’s being so petty over a kid that has been in his life since the kid was 3.

AJGranny · 03/02/2022 02:01

@DickMabutt73962

1) you're petty

you're petty and awful

This ☝️ ☝️ ☝️ Frankly, the man in this scenario should consider himself blessed to recently have had a second child. I'm drying up with distaste just reading about his pettiness.

Flutterflybutterby · 03/02/2022 02:10

Quesion 1: Well. I suppose technically yes. If you're being that pedantic about finances, but I'd be wondering about the strength of the relationship and how much you really are a family, if you're even having this conversation? Surely the stepdaughter is a part of the family too and this shouldn't really be an issue? Do you not consider your stepchild to be a part of your family who you should provide for as you do your own children? To the extent that you resent even paying towards petrol for the car she's travelling in? 😳

Question 2: Absolutely this child should not get less presents! What an absolutely horrific and cruel thought! Are you trying to make the poor child feel unwelcome and unwanted?

It seems that you don't like the poor girl very much, nor consider her a proper member of your family. What a sad post.

DropYourSword · 03/02/2022 02:19

It's all very petty and bean counting!

AlternativePerspective · 03/02/2022 02:26

So, either you’re the step parent in which case you’re a twat.

Or you’re the RP in which case your DH is a twat and you should get rid.

Hth.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2022 02:29

This marriage is doomed.

Shamoo · 03/02/2022 02:29

Yes clearly the person writing this is the mother.

Your husband is a complete cock.

Based on your set up the CM should go into the general lot and your oldest son should just have things paid for like his sibling. The fact your husband had an issue with something outside your control (the CM payments varying) to the extent you had to carve it (and your son) out of the family arrangements and you had to take on the impact shows he is a cock.

Of course all children should get equal presents, other than it’s true children need different things at different times so I would expect exactly the same spent every year on every child.

Honestly, your husband is a wanker. And I feel for you and your son. And probably your other kids as they grow up, if this is the sort of man their dad is.

lunar1 · 03/02/2022 02:32

What happens if the teenager needs school shoes one month and CM won't cover everything? Do they get dropped of 20 miles away and have to walk because the rest of the petrol can't come from family money?

TigerLilyTail · 03/02/2022 02:41

I'm just counting down for the OP to come back and say "He's a really great dad. He's just funny about money because of his upbringing".

For what it's worth, it's not about money, it's about kindness.

ChubbyMorticia · 03/02/2022 02:45

I was a single parent when I met and married my DH. There was NEVER a division btwn, 'your kid' and 'our kids'. EVER.

I'd have left him over this. NOBODY suggests treating one of my children as lesser, and nickel and diming things this way is absolutely ridiculous.

FortunesFave · 03/02/2022 02:45

This isn't a "blended family". It's a family with a cuckoo in the nest....or that's how it seems! Poor kid.

FortunesFave · 03/02/2022 02:47

@ChubbyMorticia

I was a single parent when I met and married my DH. There was NEVER a division btwn, 'your kid' and 'our kids'. EVER.

I'd have left him over this. NOBODY suggests treating one of my children as lesser, and nickel and diming things this way is absolutely ridiculous.

Yet I see it all the time. My friend won't ask her husband for a PENNY for her teen. She says "it's not really fair...it's not his child..."

Oh, My, God. I mean....why not just shove them into the shed and forget all about them then! I could not live with a man who didn't want to be a parent figure to my child.

mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 02:49

This thread is, odd

jimmyjammy001 · 03/02/2022 03:00

All children get treated the same, you may have to spend money on your step children for things that aren't nothing to do with you, unfortunately that's part and parcel of starting a blended family, all money goes into a pot and is spent on your own children and step children.

mum11970 · 03/02/2022 03:06

First question is ridiculous. Working out petrol costs with regards to picking the kids up is absolutely petty. Disagree completely with others when it comes to question two. Christmas was always a split amount between ours and dh’s ex when the kids were young or dsd and dss would have been getting ridiculous amounts for Christmas. When the kids were young we just told them Santa left some presents at ours and some at their mum’s. It certainly didn’t make them feel left out or second class in the slightest. They still ended up with much more than their siblings but It’s a damn sight fairer option than them getting twice the amount. Kids are now grown adults and it has never been an issue.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 03/02/2022 03:19

The CM from my DexH, went straight into the family pot. The idea of giving the DSC less presents than it's siblings is totally abhorrent to me, I don't even want to contemplate the scenario.

Eviethyme · 03/02/2022 03:29

how fricking petty. Poor kid

EmmaGrundyForPM · 03/02/2022 03:45

I can't believe you'd consider giving less to your teenager at Christmas. That's a really shitty thing to do.

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