Blended Family - who is BU?

[blendedfamilyopinionspls]

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

This thread is unbelievable but assuming it's real:

1. CM should go in a pot. This division is totally bizarre. Totally irrelevant that CM paid goes up and down with non resident parents earnings. When it's not paid, does the teenager actually have to go without things?? Assuming not, all in the family pot and that is used.

1. Can't believe you have to ask. Differential treatment based on parentage is mean. If the step dad has been around that long, I'd expect him to WANT to treat the children in his home equally.

I would seriously be asking myself why I'd had children with someone capable of behaving / thinking this way.

@Bookaholic73 no one was calling the wife flaky, the OP called the non resident parent flaky in regards to paying child maintenance

Resident parent should be meeting all the Costs of travel/contact.
No said child ahould not receive less from parents for Xmas.
Am in a 'blended family' with me 2 from ex and 1 with DH. He had 1 with ex but she lives with her mum.
My children (all 3) get less than the 1 he has with ex because he feel guilty that she isn't living with us. I have started to give more to my 3 because they deserve more. I will never change his view, but my blood is my blood and all 3 deserve more.

Maintenance in the family pot and teens needs/petrol paid for by this. Personal spends should be equal and for just that reason. Personal spending - not for on the children.

Same for kids at Xmas but this doesn’t have to be exactly equal as there is such a big age gap. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but definitely treated as you would your own.

I don't get the allowance each bit tbh, are you children too?

Question 1) I can see it being a pain in the arse. But as a parent you suck it up where you can afford it. If you can’t afford it, the it needs to be discussed to facilitate contact.

Question 2)

As far as we are concerned, everyone gets the same from us for birthday/xmas. We might have to even out over the years/ages for a phone or a laptop but it’s very important that it feels equal.

When you say you don't receive child benefit, does that mean you earn too much to qualify?

You should be able to afford some petrol and presents if that is the case.

Interesting, my younger son is soon to be married; his fiancé has a child from a previous relationship. My son loves the little girl very much so I have no concerns but if he and his future wife were to go on to have children together and he treated them differently to the little girl who he already regards as his daughter:
a) I would expect his wife to be extremely unhappy and I would worry for their relationship.
b) I would be truly ashamed of him and think that I had failed to bring up a decent human.
I do hope that answers your question.

If you did not share children, keeping split expenses and a separate balance sheet for the teenagers expenses might work. The problem is that the mother of the teenager has a reduced income because of pregnancy, maternity leave, and child rearing responsibilities for the shared children. That puts the mother at a serious disadvantage for providing for her child that pre-exists the relationship. Family income will likely need to subsidize the teen in that situation. The alternative is that the mother goes back to work full-time and the non-gestating parent plays a bigger role in child rearing responsibilities.

Money is money, all money should gi into joint a/c and all bill including teenagers should come from this - no way CM covers everything a teenager needs.
Presents should be equal.
I have a ex sil who let her new husband treat her son like a visitor in his home after they had a ‘new’ family. Guess who he isn’t very close to now as an adult.

As a SM I'm pretty depressed by this thread.

It's not a blended family is it?

It's a family that's segregated.

SP's get a tough time on MN, often unfairly but this situation is just awful.

I can honestly say it's never once occurred to me to spend less on presents for my SC than my husbands and my children together.

We spend age appropriate amounts on presents - that's the only defining factor.

I'd also never separate out petrol/clothes/expenses/holidays etc from the family financial pot.

It's really awful behaviour and I'd say borderline abusive in "othering" the teen stepchild and financially controlling the partner.

I thought long and hard about becoming a SM.

It can be a tough row to hoe and I absolutely have boundaries that some cohorts of the MN collective disagree with (such as I absolutely will discipline SC in our home in line with our agreed family rules and not wait for DH to do it).

However that in my view is inclusive behaviour because every child in the house is treated equally - praise, discipline, love and gifts.

This is the opposite of that and deeply divisive behaviour that will be damaging for everyone, because eventually the younger children will see their half sibling treated differently and question/be embarrassed about it.

Upshot is you're a family or not.

I wouldn't stay with a partner who behaved this way (and again I'm saying this as a SM who at one point was the higher earner).

1. Put it in the family pot. It's ridiculous and petty to begrudge paying for this.
2. Obviously not. That's horrible. I feel very sorry for the teenager. The husband shouldn't have married someone with children because they clearly don't see them as part of the family.

You're either a family or you aren't.

All children should be treated equally. Anything else is just shitty.

Essential travel (eg for contact ) should come out of the family pot. However, depending on amount of CM some of that should go into the family pot.

I am as horrified by this as the other posters. I don't get the mentality of it all. Quibbling over petrol money. It's all really petty. I can't even imagine being married to such a person.

@BreadInCaptivity I agree that the younger children will see how their father treats their sibling and judge them.
I am a child of a second marriage. I do judge my father for how he treated his stepchildren.

So, the items you think should be i weed by CM, are you planning to bill the dad??
I think your attitude is beyond petty towards a child you've raised since 3, do you not consider them family or is it just your own afforded that?

1. yes
2. no

@JaniceBattersby

The child maintenance payment should go in the general pot and be used for whatever it’s needed for.

No child should wake up on Christmas morning and have less presents than the children they’re waking up with. It doesn’t matter what else they get on top.

This.

Why are so many posters assuming it is the dad posting?

I’m betting it’s the mum, but could be either.

1. I do not use the child maintenance money to pay for petrol to drop and collect my teens from their dad. It is a lot closer than your situation however. But still would take from my own budget.

2). No that is unfair.

Unbelievable reading , a child that you have brought up since 3 is surely like your own ? I used to get £200 a month maintenance from my ex , it varied every month what I did with it ( we aren't high earners at all ) my dh never asked once what I was doing with that months money .

@blendedfamilyopinionspls

To answer a few questions.

CM did used to go in family pot but non resident a bit flaky with jobs so this has increased and decreased a fair bit over the years and caused friction between married couple. So they agreed to avoid further confrontation CM would be paid directly to wife to cover all extra expenses for teenager other than basic living costs (as wife earns a salary which contributes to the home)

Presents from non resident parent are never opened in the blended family home and are kept at non resident parents house. Unless it's something like a book they are reading. Or in one instance where parents went half on a laptop (which is obviously used most at the blended family home)

this clarification further cements what others said. So to question 2, the answer is no. To question 1 it seems like high earning husband resents spending on child he has been with since kid was 3. Otherwise why the fights when flaky CM was put into joint account (I realise it means it was up and down but come on! Ignore the CF other parent). Just budget all of SC's needs from joint account rather than ring fencing it. Esp when husband's income is high enough to be higher income tax payer.

I really feel the resentment from SDad supporting this poor kid he's known since kid was 3. That resentment will only grow unless there is counseling to get to its roots and address it. The issue isn't the fuel bill or Xmas presents. It's resenting "spending my hard earned cash on a kid that's not mine". Own it

I would hate to live like this. That’s incredibly petty

I agree that the family does not sound blended. The step-parent, I'm assuming, appears to want to treat the first child differently, despite having lived with said child for upwards of 10 years.

That's not blended - that's chucked into a pot together and praying it works.

It isn't working. Your teen will be SO upset if this attitude comes across on a daily basis. The NRP of the teen might be flaky with jobs, but at least SOME CM is coming in - what if there were none? Would only the wife have to pay for the teen? Is that acceptable? No it fucking isn't. And yet that appears to be the situation, hence why the CM has had to be "ringfenced" so that the stepfather doesn't look like they're having to spend out on their stepchild - FFS!!

Petrol - petty beyond belief but whatever to keep the peace

Christmas presents - no fucking way. Every child in the "blended" home should have equal treatment, regardless of what the oldest child's NRP parent might choose to do.

why did the child maintenance cause friction? if the NRP wasn't paying anything what would the husband expect to happen?
I think CM should just go into the general pot. once you start allocating it gets messy.
Xmas presents- i don't think you should look at the money between children so rigidly - and it shouldn't be an issue really as its not as if you will have two children of the same age who can directly compare. Its probably not relevant here but if the NRP was to give big presents to the teenager you may be less inclined to give the same child another big present- but its not so much to make it fair between teh children but just to make sure you don't give the teenager ridiculos amounts of stuff