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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

301 replies

VioletSky1234 · 02/02/2022 21:39

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

OP posts:
mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 02:43

@PepInYourStep

No, but given this man is threatening to break up the marriage over it, it seems that he thinks she does need his permission to do it... (or else, her marriage is over). I suspect he's bluffing to control her. If he's not bluffing, well that's his prerogative. In either case, who wants to be with a man who will barely even allow his partner to be a social worker?!

According to the OP he hasn't given any good reasons to do with the partnership or safety or anything like that, other than that in his opinion these people 'aren't worthy'. I don't think this is about him having an opinion, I think it's about him thinking his opinion is the only one that counts and that she shouldn't pursue an interest of hers which aligns with her opinions and values, within a legitimate scheme, even though she's a (presumably) experienced professional who isn't naive.

His opinion is he is not sticking round for it, good
mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 02:46

@blyn72

If this volunteer role is so very part time and does not involve meeting anyone face to face, surely your partner didn't need to know about it. If he found out all you needed to say is that it is highly confidential work. I am not advocating dishonesty btw but it is an option.

You may actually not like it and give it up fairly quickly. We can all feel drawn towards helping people, sometimes those who seem to be beyond help, but it can play on your mind and be difficult to leave behind when you are at home. Police officers and social workers often have to have a break and change direction for the sake of their mental health.

In this day and age I doubt there are many partners who would interfere with their spouse doing some voluntary work, therefore I believe it must be something that he sees as possibly dangerous. He may be afraid that you will become too involved and be manipulated. That does happen.

Give it some more thought. You know yourself better than we do.

It does or will involve face to face
Namenic · 03/02/2022 03:08

I guess I can understand your partner if he had been a victim himself or a close relative of a victim. I guess it is a question of how important the volunteering is.

Eviethyme · 03/02/2022 03:33

Personally i wouldn't want my husband working with criminals even if to "rehabilitate* them.

I know people who do the whole writing letters to people in prison thing and it grosses me out.

Yearofthetygerburningbright · 03/02/2022 03:50

I don't understand this:

I'd be in the position of not wanting to hear anything about his job and that's going to have a huge knock on effect on the relationship

Because there are lots of jobs in many fields where the details aren't up for discussion at home due to confidentiality.

Yearofthetygerburningbright · 03/02/2022 04:00

Again, the OP hasn’t said she is a social worker, posters have inferred that from her very vague post.

I'm not understanding why the OP's partner is getting so much support. Leaving aside the volunteering is it the case that he doesn't want her to have the career she currently has given the comment about barely tolerating it? And that they don't have even have children in the family to consider as there aren't any or they are grown up? Controlling much.

@VioletSky1234 will we see you over on the relationships board soon? There is plenty of advice and support there for you if you think your partner is being too controlling.

SusieQ5604 · 03/02/2022 04:01

I'd tell him don't let the screen door hit you on the ass on your way out. Jerk.

YupNameChangeAgain · 03/02/2022 04:42

Is it something you feel is moral and worthy to do ? Are you volunteering as it is your passion? Or do you feel you are the only person locally with skills who can undertake the necessary volunteering responsibility ? ( I am imagining a psychologist/ support of some sort … prior to prison release )

I think this is the nub.
Are you volunteering because you feel you need to step up to do a necessary but unpleasant job
Or
Are you volunteering because it is a dream for you ?

If it is a dream passion, you must continue amd he must leave. Your passions are diverging. Unless you really want him to stay. And don’t mind him controlling you .

If it is because some one has to do this horrid job and it’s your luck that you have been tagged, he needs to be supportive as it isn’t your choice to drive it … just life that put you in that position.

Good luck

jamtomorrow1 · 03/02/2022 05:39

Wouldn’t this all be a lot easier if the OP explained what she does for a living and what the volunteering is? So far we have nine pages of people trying to work out the answers and providing hypothetical advice based on a range of possible scenarios.

Gardengates · 03/02/2022 05:52

Most sex offenders have a release date. If people like you are working to make them less likely to reoffend when they are released, this is a good thing.

I get that DH may be uncomfortable with this but he doesn't have the right to tell you what you can do and if he is willing to leave you because of it then he is controlling and emotionally blackmailing you to make you conform to what he thinks a wife should be.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/02/2022 05:55

He has no right to give you an ultimatum, no matter what the role is. He is being U.

I used to do volunteer work in a male homeless hostel. If anyone had told me to stop I'd have told them to get lost.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/02/2022 05:57

@Yearofthetygerburningbright

Again, the OP hasn’t said she is a social worker, posters have inferred that from her very vague post.

I'm not understanding why the OP's partner is getting so much support. Leaving aside the volunteering is it the case that he doesn't want her to have the career she currently has given the comment about barely tolerating it? And that they don't have even have children in the family to consider as there aren't any or they are grown up? Controlling much.

@VioletSky1234 will we see you over on the relationships board soon? There is plenty of advice and support there for you if you think your partner is being too controlling.

Absolutely, even if he is "worried" about her safety what kind of partner would threaten to leave unless she does what he says?
SunflowerTed · 03/02/2022 06:02

Let him leave

Hesma · 03/02/2022 06:18

Very hard to say without know what his objections are. If it’s the number hours spent and how that impacts the family unit YABU but if it’s purely the fact that you may have to speak to men then he sounds controlling which isn’t a good thing.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 03/02/2022 06:29

Many years ago as part of my job, I had to work with sex offenders. My team had to do it, but women could opt out. My husband’s reaction was not to threaten to leave me, but to show concern that I was doing it and relief when I’d finished my stint.
That was the reaction of a good man.

Aderyn21 · 03/02/2022 06:31

If my husband wanted to do this, too right I'd expect him to ask me first. And if I was really uncomfortable with it (and I would be), I'd expect him to prioritise my feelings over a wish to volunteer and help criminals.

Not all causes are the same in terms of whether it's worth putting an otherwise good relationship at risk for. It's not like voting different ways, this is getting deeply, personally involved with people who would actively harm you if given the chance. Totally reasonable imo to not want your partner or your own life to be anywhere near that!

JugglingJanuary · 03/02/2022 06:31

@altiara

He doesn’t get to veto on you volunteering!
He does 'get to' leave if he wants to though, which is what he has said.
Aderyn21 · 03/02/2022 06:32

There is a difference also between something being a part of your job, or a short term stint and actually volunteering for it in your own time.

JugglingJanuary · 03/02/2022 06:37

@saraclara

He has said if I continue he will leave me

I mean... do you really want to be with someone who makes threats like this? Is this his usual way of behaving when he doesn't like what you do?

It would be mine if DH decided he was going to volunteer on a fox hunt/culling of badgers or something else he knows I'm completely against.

...and I'd totally understand if he objected to me getting involved with soon to be released criminals.

JugglingJanuary · 03/02/2022 06:43

@VioletSky1234

He said he is barely tolerating what I do now. The next step would be meeting the person. In a strictly controlled environment. Like I said before I work for social services, so this feels like an extension of my day job.
You are not the only person to do what you're doing, so just say what your job is & what your voluntary role is.
Porcupineintherough · 03/02/2022 07:11

@Waxonwaxoff0

He has no right to give you an ultimatum, no matter what the role is. He is being U.

I used to do volunteer work in a male homeless hostel. If anyone had told me to stop I'd have told them to get lost.

Er, he had the right to leave the marriage at any time, for any reason. And if this is the reason then surely its better he give the OP the heads up so she can make a decision in full possession of the facts, rather than just disappear w no explanation?
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 03/02/2022 07:12

@CakesOfVersailles

If it is a volunteer role with sex offenders or other violent criminals as some previous posters have speculated, then I have sympathy for your partner's point of view.

I have known people to get really sucked into that work and it has unbalanced their own mental state and had negative impacts on their lives and their friends and loved ones.

Or from spending so much time talking to these offenders and empathising with them it starts to affect their world views and they have justified pretty horrendous opinions and behaviour.

Or had clients they volunteer with become fixated on them or their families.

Or simply poured a lot of time and energy into programmes that turned out, on evaluation, to be ineffective or actively harmful.

So just BE CAREFUL.

This is essentially what I think.

I think you should have made it clear in your opening post what type of group you are working with. It's a very different situation to your partner not wanting you to work with men in an animal shelter for example!

wtaf37 · 03/02/2022 07:16

Controlling behaviour

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 03/02/2022 07:28

Hesitation for your safety is reasonable. Working with ex offenders is not always entirely safe as you suggested, I know someone who used to do this but was put off by the frequent aggression and a few incidents of physical attacks. The environment was fairly secure, so the men (always men, she loved working with women as offenders, who were never an issue) were quickly stopped, but still unpleasant. I agree with your DH that many other causes are far more worthy, but there needs to be someone doing all types of work and it certainly needs doing. I suppose it exposes for him a set of priorities that you have that he doesn't understand. It could be worth writing down why exactly you think it is a more important way to spend your time than any other voluntary organisation and share that with him, to help him understand where you're coming from.

ldontWanna · 03/02/2022 07:31

Just putting it all together as some of the drip drip responses from OP seem to have been missed.

It does involve communicating with the service users.
It is some form of rehabilitation program before release.
Due to the nature of the offence it is mostly males.
The next step will be face to face meetings with the person she supports.

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