AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

[VioletSky1234]

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

People are chopping and choosing here to suit their own agenda.

She said it involves communicating with people who may be male, red flag in isolation, but she also said that it involves working with people to prevent them from re-offending, thus making it fairly obvious that she’ll be working, voluntarily, with offenders, some of whom may be male and presumably violent.

Nothing red flag about not wanting your partner to volunteer to communicate with violent offenders.

Training sex offenders? I’d feel less positive about it. Well, whether it's this or any of the other things PPs have raised an eyebrow about, someone needs to do it, so why shouldn't it be her if she wants to and has the skills? And why should he have a say? It's an accredited volunteer programe and linked to her career.

Without children involved, and without any huge time commitment that could affect your family unit, unless there is some other key factor you haven't mentioned which might (really) impact on him negatively and need discussing, OP if it fits with your values and you are satisfied with the safety situation, do it.

@PepInYourStep

Training sex offenders? I’d feel less positive about it. Well, whether it's this or any of the other things PPs have raised an eyebrow about, someone needs to do it, so why shouldn't it be her if she wants to and has the skills? And why should he have a say? It's an accredited volunteer programe and linked to her career.

Without children involved, and without any huge time commitment that could affect your family unit, unless there is some other key factor you haven't mentioned which might (really) impact on him negatively and need discussing, OP if it fits with your values and you are satisfied with the safety situation, do it.

Marriage.

Be interesting to see how you meet someone face to face but over the phone during lunch

Nothing red flag about not wanting your partner to volunteer to communicate with violent offenders.

The red flag is that she's satisfied with the value of the role, her suitability for it, and the safety aspects, as are those choosing and training volunteers for the role. And it is an extension of her career. Not time consuming, no children that it might impact-upon (how?). But he still thinks that he should have a say?

There are many roles, paid and voluntary, where a woman might be dealing with such males. Armed forces, police, social work, health services, education services, to name a few. Should men be able to dictate to their female partners that they can't pursue those opportunities, either?

Be interesting to see how you meet someone face to face but over the phone during lunch

Scheduled video-call, such as for a mentoring scheme?

Don’t think they’re married, OP describes him as ‘My partner’ not DH.

Money laundering for a drug cartel?

(Sorry, have been watching too much Ozark 🤣)

The difference though is that she wants to do it. This isn’t a part of her job where she’s paid to do it, clearly she feels that she wants to engage more with these people, so much so in fact that she’s happy not to be paid for doing so in fact she’s prepared to give up all her spare time to do this in addition to her job.

Sorry but that’s not healthy.

And no, I disagree that she’s assessed the risks and because she thinks it’s ok then it is. It’s far more likely that she’s already too close to this particular area to be objective about volunteering to help people on top of her job. It implies that she has empathy with violent offenders. It’s not something I would tolerate in a relationship and I guarantee that if the thread was reversed and an OP was posting about their partner wanting to do this the responses would be vastly different.

What? No marriage doesn't give a man the automatic say-so on a woman's career and similar choices!!?!

Certainly not where the activity doesn't seriously and insurmountably affect the safety of family members, the running of the household or its income, or any children. And any mutually-agreed say-so in an individual marriage must go both ways, too.

@PepInYourStep

Be interesting to see how you meet someone face to face but over the phone during lunch

Scheduled video-call, such as for a mentoring scheme?

That isn't face to face. Yes op has every right to do whatever she wants but he also has the right to say I'm not sticking round for this.

@Ihaveamagicwand

Don’t think they’re married, OP describes him as ‘My partner’ not DH.

True

@PepInYourStep

What? No marriage doesn't give a man the automatic say-so on a woman's career and similar choices!!?!

Certainly not where the activity doesn't seriously and insurmountably affect the safety of family members, the running of the household or its income, or any children. And any mutually-agreed say-so in an individual marriage must go both ways, too.

No one said it does

I guarantee that if the thread was reversed and an OP was posting about their partner

I am astounded by the (sexist?) assumptions that are being made by PPs that she can't have assessed the situation properly? What, is she not capable of coherent thought on the matter, even though she works in the area already?

I am absolutely sure that there are many men who work and/or volunteer with offenders or similar for whom it would not occur to them to ask for and get their wife's permission to do so. Nor would it occur to other people including Mumsnetters to suggest that these men should have asked and been given permission to do it by their wives (with the reasonable caveats in my other posts).

Have I been transported back to the 1950s?

No one said it does

You've just posted the word 'marriage' as a reason, yourself. So, as I read it, you say it does. If I misunderstood, please explain what you meant.

Ultimately everyone has their line in the sand.

I wouldn’t want my children to be associated with someone who chose to volunteer with violent offenders. As a job it’s one thing, as a volunteer it’s on another level.

I wouldn’t be friends with someone who did either, and I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who did.

Just because someone has the right to do what they want doesn’t mean others don’t have the right to object.

I don’t doubt for a second that if. Poster posted that their MIL volunteered to rehabilitate e.g. paedophiles/child abusers/murderers and they had doubts about her looking after their children, posters would be lining up to tell her they agreed and they wouldn’t allow it either.

This isn’t just about relationships, it’s about a clash in moral values.

I suspect the OP isn't saying exactly what it is as it would be too identifying.

I am absolutely sure that there are many men who work and/or volunteer with offenders or similar for whom it would not occur to them to ask for and get their wife's permission to do so. Nor would it occur to other people including Mumsnetters to suggest that these men should have asked and been given permission to do it by their wives (with the reasonable caveats in my other posts). I don’t think the OP said she asked permission did she? Or did you just make that up?

In relationships people tend to communicate. If the OP was planning to volunteer over weekends then it stands to reason that she would discuss it with her partner, as he presumably would discuss it with her. And it is at that point that either one of them could voice their objections.

Nothing 1950’s about it, it’s about communication in relationships.

@PepInYourStep

No one said it does

You've just posted the word 'marriage' as a reason, yourself. So, as I read it, you say it does. If I misunderstood, please explain what you meant.

I'd say being in a marriage/partnership gives you a right to an opinion, it also gives you a right to choose how to proceed

If this volunteer role is so very part time and does not involve meeting anyone face to face, surely your partner didn't need to know about it. If he found out all you needed to say is that it is highly confidential work. I am not advocating dishonesty btw but it is an option.

You may actually not like it and give it up fairly quickly. We can all feel drawn towards helping people, sometimes those who seem to be beyond help, but it can play on your mind and be difficult to leave behind when you are at home. Police officers and social workers often have to have a break and change direction for the sake of their mental health.

In this day and age I doubt there are many partners who would interfere with their spouse doing some voluntary work, therefore I believe it must be something that he sees as possibly dangerous. He may be afraid that you will become too involved and be manipulated. That does happen.

Give it some more thought. You know yourself better than we do.

He said he is barely tolerating what I do now.

So this man doesn't want you to be a social worker, even? What else does he "barely tolerate"?

I'd let him leave if I were you (if he really does follow through when you take on the role), and if he doesn't, I'd be taking a long hard look at whether we were really compatible long term. And whether he has too much say over other aspects of your life.

Again, the OP hasn’t said she is a social worker, posters have inferred that from her very vague post.

She said that this volunteer role is an extension of her job. For all we know she could be a parole officer, something which many might feel uncomfortable with depending on the area she works in.

She did say however that this volunteer role is working with offenders.

I would imagine in fact that if she was a social worker, working voluntarily in rehabilitation of the same offenders whose victims she likely deals with could be considered a conflict of interest and I doubt an employer would tolerate that either.

No, but given this man is threatening to break up the marriage over it, it seems that he thinks she does need his permission to do it... (or else, her marriage is over). I suspect he's bluffing to control her. If he's not bluffing, well that's his prerogative. In either case, who wants to be with a man who will barely even allow his partner to be a social worker?!

According to the OP he hasn't given any good reasons to do with the partnership or safety or anything like that, other than that in his opinion these people 'aren't worthy'. I don't think this is about him having an opinion, I think it's about him thinking his opinion is the only one that counts and that she shouldn't pursue an interest of hers which aligns with her opinions and values, within a legitimate scheme, even though she's a (presumably) experienced professional who isn't naive.

I think the prospect of the op doing this particular voluntary work scares him, frankly, or rather 'spooks' him.

Presumably, op, you would have to be properly trained for the voluntary role. The training would weed out anyone unsuitable and trainees will also drop out voluntarily.

Let's just say that it IS working with sex offenders, to paint one scenario:
As has been said upthread, there is a risk that the offenders can become obsessed with people they interact with. They are more likely to obsess over women than men, if their sex offences were against women (the vast majority).
It's easy enough to find people in the real world now, thanks to all the digital stuff out there (as has also already been mentioned on this thread).

So it's not beyond the realms of possibility that, if the above were the case, the OP's partner might be a little bit concerned that she's not only exposing herself to potential risk, but also him.

That's just one good reason why he might not want her to do this volunteer job.
There are others but unless we're given full detail (which I'm not expecting as OP says it would be too outing) we can't properly judge just HOW reasonable or unreasonable her P is being.