AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

[VioletSky1234]

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

Is it your time you are using or relationship/family time?
Nothing wrong with a little give and take. 'You go to the gym Monday, I'll go volunteering Wednesday'
Is this unusual behaviour from him?

Given you already have a full time job, is it possible that your partner doesn't want the little time you have together eaten into? It depends how much of your spare time this will take up, and how he would be about other interests. Eg would he be ok with you being out every other evening for exercise classes?

@VioletSky1234

It doesn’t involve any time out of the house, and we have no children in the equation. It is a cause he is against, he thinks many people are ‘more worthy’.

Supporting addicts or prisoners?

Is it something that affects him?

Like you're fostering dogs in your home and he hates dogs/ is allergic?

Or is it something that could put you (and by extension him) in danger?

If it's something like that I can understand his feelings but if it's not something he needs to be involved in at all I can't think of any reason why he should have any say over it.

Sex offender rehabilitation?? I mean how unworthy can it be to quit a marriage over? Will it take time away from him?

Is it offenders or ex-offenders?

If he'd leave because you want to spend time doing anything, let him leave.

Or something like that where he is worried about your safety? Not saying it makes it ok, BTW.

It sounds from what you’ve said as though he’s massively unreasonable- how can speaking to people who may be male be a problem? You must speak to males every day do your life, don’t you? It would be the same if you had a paid job.

If his object was that your family needed the money so paid work would be a better option it would be understandable, or if the volunteering was in an abattoir and he’s a vegetarian (unlikely but I couldn’t think of a good example!)

And yes I work full time, and contribute equally to bills. It is not something that would take away from our time together. It is something I can do in my lunch hour at work, for example, or the very occasional Saturday/Sunday.

Just do it and put the ball in his court.

I'd take the volunteering role and dump the partner.

Refugees or prisoners

That seems very strange then, that he is so against it. Impossible to know for sure, though, without knowing what the organisation is. As someone else said, if it is rehabilitating paedophiles, then it is understandable.

Writing to prisoners who might have committed violent crimes and might be released soon/ish? I can understand his sorry tbh

It depends what it is. If he's against it because he's jealous of you talking to men then there's an issue, if you're communicating with prisoners on death row then he might have a point

Yes the role is very close to what posters have suggested. Not my choice to work with males, just that most people in this category happen to be male. There are no issues my safety. I just don’t know what to do, how to approach a conversation with him about it.

@VioletSky1234

It doesn’t involve any time out of the house, and we have no children in the equation. It is a cause he is against, he thinks many people are ‘more worthy’.

Sounds as though it could easily be the kind of volunteering I do. Mostly male, and from a demographic that many people have no sympathy with whatsoever.

It would be funny if you've just joined my organisation!

I'd struggle to be with someone who didn't share my values on this subject, to be honest. But no way would I let their politics get in the way of doing what I want to do. And the worrying about it being men is a big red flag, frankly.

Supporting refugees with asylum applications? A wonderful and worthwhile thing to do.
Training sex offenders? I’d feel less positive about it.

Working with prisoners?

Anyway it doesn’t matter, it’s up to you. Just call his bluff.

My vote would be Lucy faithful or something with child sex offenders

If so its an area that some people are very anti in my experience

@VioletSky1234

Yes the role is very close to what posters have suggested. Not my choice to work with males, just that most people in this category happen to be male. There are no issues my safety. I just don’t know what to do, how to approach a conversation with him about it.

If it is the sort of thing I do (and it sounds very like it) then whatever his feelings about those people, he still has absolutely no right to dictate that you don't do it. He simply doesn't.

You've said there's no time out of the house, so it's not even like you're meeting them. You need to find out why he's uncomfortable with you helping these people. Presumably you work alongside men at work? Does he stress about that too?

I think he’s being very controlling to try and stop you from contributing to a good cause. It doesn’t matter how he ‘explains’ it, it’s still controlling as there is no good reason for his objection. If he said he wanted to volunteer for a good cause, let’s say an animal shelter, but you felt homeless people would benefit more from his service, would you prevent him from volunteering? No because you’re not a controlling person who wants to have the last say on what someone can or can’t do.

Im split, as what you want to do is central tbh. However.it would have to be genuine reason, not linked to being racist, bigoted, misogynistic etc . So if it was written communication with violent prisoners he objects to I can see why. If it’s talking to ex squaddies who are depressed with ptsd I’d tell him to bugger off

I also think this is about the info not revealed. It’s about working with people in society he doesn’t deem should be helped. It’s not they are male? Is it what they have done and why they are prisoners?