AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

[VioletSky1234]

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

As someone who volunteers with men within a secure facility, I'm absolutely gobsmacked at some of the assumptions and impressions that posters have been coming out with. I really don't know where to start.

Apparently I'm going to have some kind of freaky obsessive relationship with one of these people. Or I'm going to be majorly psychologically affected. One of these men is going to track me down after release (why?).
And basically I'm just weird for wanting to do it and any partner I have would be right to leave me, simply for that reason.

There are tens of thousands of people working and volunteering in the prison and detention world. Are people who choose it as a job weird, too? After all they could do something else.

Also I find it creepy that so many people have decided that this must be about sex offenders and are absolutely obsessed with the topic. I'd say that they're the weird ones.

Due to the nature of the offence it is mostly males.

Not necessarily due to the offence. The vast majority of people in prison or detention are males. So if her work is within a secure facility, it's very much more likely to be with men. There no need to read more into it than that..

OP, why are you with someone who ‘barely tolerates’ your job and can’t cope with you working with men.?

I’ve no doubt you could do a lot better on the relationship front.

You need someone more intelligent and more secure,

There is a huge amount of undiagnosed and unsupported mental health issues in the prison population and if my partner wanted to volunteer to support these often very disturbed men who very often have very chaotic, abusive and traumatic backgrounds and substance abuse then I would be very proud of them.

The op doesn’t have dc and she would be helping those who society shuns. I think that shows you have a generous and kind spirit op and I think your op should be let free.

You will have no problems finding a fellow kindred spirit, good luck to you.

@saraclara I totally agree. But this is AIBU - of all the forums on MN it does attract the least intelligent comment.

It's one thing for him to say look I'm wary of this it makes me nervous or whatever, but another to say if you do it I'm leaving without listening to the facts that its regulated, controlled etc. Which is his choice, to be honest I'd let him leave if its something you really want to do. You say as well that he 'barely tolerates' your job now, but evidently you enjoy it or you wouldn't be looking to volunteer to do an extension of it in your own time.

If its instead of getting a paid for job that contributes to the household income then I can understand him having reservations.
(OTT for saying he'd leave over it imo though).

But if it doesn't impact financially to the household money then I can't see the problem unless it means that he'd never see you.

@HandforthParishCouncilClerk

To the people saying they couldn’t be with anyone who worked in sex offender rehab - what would you rather as the alternative? That they just be released into the wild with no supervision, monitoring, plans? You may not like the idea but you can’t devalue the work.

Don’t release them ever!

@saraclara

Due to the nature of the offence it is mostly males.

Not necessarily due to the offence. The vast majority of people in prison or detention are males. So if her work is within a secure facility, it's very much more likely to be with men. There no need to read more into it than that..

You're correct and I apologise. Shouldn't have rushed and chosen my words more carefully when paraphrasing. Too bad MN doesn't have an edit button.

Not my choice to work with males, just that most people in this category happen to be male.

What OP actually said.

I would worry that this volunteering role becomes an extension to your work role. You appear to work in a highly specialised and stressful area. I would look for a volunteering role that is entirely different and gives you the chance to decompress from work.

My husband would struggle with this because he would be worried I would get hurt- either physically or emotionally. He really hated me working in a school for kids with behavioural difficulties because I was often assaulted and it made him feel awful. However, at no point did he threaten to leave me over this.

You may be at a crossroads with your husband, beyond which your aren't compatible.

You've volunteering is important to you, but if he doesn't mortally agree with it then there is very little either of you can do.

Would you be happy just continuing with what you are doing now and not progressing it? Or is a it something you feel compelled to do?

You need a very honest conversation with your husband.

I've worked in prisons and secure facilities with people who have committed some terrible crime, I stopped before I had children.

You need to decide between you if there is a compromise you are both happy with or if you need to separate over the issue, which is either of your rights.

Supporting offenders to rehabilitate to the community was one of the most rewarding jobs I ever had. The stats on reoffending with no support/vs support from professionals are stark. My reward came from knowing I was preventing further offences, including sex offences.

I think your OH should just leave you and start a good life.
What the fuck?!
We've ascertained that the OP will be volunteering in rehabilitation, yes?
Are you saying that a 'good life' is about opposing rehabilitation?

OP, if you were volunteering for a neo-Nazi group or something then obviously your DP would have a point. But I think the answer in this case is 'This is what I'm doing; deal with it.'
Incidentally, does he give up HIS time to volunteer for these ‘more worthy’ people?

You're giving up your lunch/downtime. It's eating into your weekend. I'm sorry but that's unhealthy . It's destroyed my friends marriage she works with children. She's quite unhinged in her views these days, her husband and friends have stepped away. Her children have suffered.
This is VERY overdramatic. The OP hasn't said it's every single lunchtime. And 'eating into your weekend'? The OP said 'the very occasional Saturday/Sunday.' Get a grip.

It doesn't matter much what the role is... Its the "does he get to veto it", "barely tolerating", "says he'll leave me"

That is the crux of this, you seem to think your dh has say over your life, has right to dictate what you can and cannot do.
HE DOES NOT OWN YOU
HE IS NOT YOUR BOSS OR FATHER
YOU ARE AN ADULT

So if you want to do it, do it...I'd literally laugh at dp if he started saying stuff about vetoing something I was doing.

I'd literally laugh at dp if he started saying stuff about vetoing something I was doing

I don't know - I think if my DH decided to volunteer for Stonewall or Mermaids, I would have a massive problem with that and would wonder what we had in common.

Offender rehabilitation is a different matter - I am all for getting ex-offenders back in the community earning an honest wage so someone has to do that work even though I wouldn't want to do it.

My DP has decided to donate to Stonewall. I do not agree with what they do. But he and I still have a lot in common, so it's not a deal-breaker.

You're giving up your lunch/downtime. It's eating into your weekend. I'm sorry but that's unhealthy

Would people say this about people who do a hobby during lunch breaks and at weekends? If it's something that OP likes doing, realistically there is no difference. Plenty of people like to volunteer for things which involve physical or mental effort, e.g. lifeboats, Victim Support, Samaritans etc.

No, he doesn't get to veto what you do. You're not a child.

Whatever the misgivings and however well founded threatening to leave is extreme and controlling.

@saraclara

Intellectually I know it's a good cause, that it must be done and more importantly it must be done by good people that know what they're doing.

Personally though (especially if sex offenders) I couldn't deal with it

It's fine if you couldn't deal with it yourself. But not dealing with your partner doing it just seems really odd to me. I don't understand why OP's DH is threatening to leave her if SHE does it.

This! I couldn't - I work for a rape crisis centre. But I work with people, women, who do. They are just like me, have a cause they want to work for, feel they can make a difference and take no shit from their client base.

I used to do volunteer work in a male homeless hostel. If anyone had told me to stop I'd have told them to get lost.

Those of you who volunteer in a male setting, is that because:
—men are the by far the dominant number in need in that area (e.g., rehabilitation of offenders);
—there aren't nearly enough male volunteers to work with the scale of men who need these voluntary services?

What's your relationship like otherwise? Does he always want his own way or is he normally easy going and this is the first time? Des he change his habits to fit in with you?

I suspect most relationships are a blend of things you both do/enjoy, things you go along with and things you don't like. We are mostly in the things we enjoy together area, and some things we get on with to make each other happy. The things we don't like, well we either do them on our own or if its something one of us is really opposed to we don't do it. We both respect that there may be things that the other may be strongly against and don't push it.
Would you be ok with him doing something you strongly objected to eg visiting strip clubs, or would you expect him to comply with your wishes.
For some its controlling, for others its setting boundaries. Its something you need to work out yourselves. If he's not normally in the habit of making demands on the way you behave and this volunteering role is more important than your relationship then you have your answer.

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

I used to do volunteer work in a male homeless hostel. If anyone had told me to stop I'd have told them to get lost.

Those of you who volunteer in a male setting, is that because:
—men are the by far the dominant number in need in that area (e.g., rehabilitation of offenders);
—there aren't nearly enough male volunteers to work with the scale of men who need these voluntary services?

Neither. I feel strongly about the cause I work with. I didn't consciously decide "I want to volunteer with men" Nor do I volunteer because there aren't enough men doing so.

I don't quite understand the point you're trying to make. Do you not think women shouldn't volunteer with men unless they absolutely have to for some reason?