AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

[VioletSky1234]

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

I think this a tricky one. I understand both of you. Bit as it's an extension to what you already do it shouldn't be a surprise to him. Unless something has happened because of your role that has effected your relationship?

Are you happy in your marriage? Will this further your career making life better for both of you? I can understand why sex offenders bothers him. I would struggle with this too. But if you are happy then you need to make a choice. Do you have kids together?

I don't quite understand the point you're trying to make. Do you not think women shouldn't volunteer with men unless they absolutely have to for some reason?

What an odd response.

I wasn't attempting to make a point and had decided against an exhaustive list of options.

I volunteer in some activities where males are the largest numbers involved and where there are constant calls for male volunteers but it's difficult to recruit them. I wonder about this in other areas.

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

I don't quite understand the point you're trying to make. Do you not think women shouldn't volunteer with men unless they absolutely have to for some reason?

What an odd response.

I wasn't attempting to make a point and had decided against an exhaustive list of options.

I volunteer in some activities where males are the largest numbers involved and where there are constant calls for male volunteers but it's difficult to recruit them. I wonder about this in other areas.

Maybe it's your wording that have the wrong impression then.

"Those of you who volunteer in a male setting, is that because..." made me think you were asking why we volunteer with them.

Presumably you meant "why do you find that you're working mostly with men on your volunteering role" and "do you find that there aren't enough male volunteers in your sector"?

My answer to those is, yes, because it's mainly men who are detained, and yes, it would be good to have more men, but there seem to be fewer available, as men work full time for longer.

Go and enjoy volunteer work op. The months I was volunteering in my thirties I found really rewarding and after 7 months I got my first paid job in that sector. I was at one of the happiest stages of my life. Ignore what dh says.

Is he concerned for your safety? I’m wondering whether it’s working with sex offenders/violent criminals?
If so, I would understand his concern.

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

I used to do volunteer work in a male homeless hostel. If anyone had told me to stop I'd have told them to get lost.

Those of you who volunteer in a male setting, is that because:
—men are the by far the dominant number in need in that area (e.g., rehabilitation of offenders);
—there aren't nearly enough male volunteers to work with the scale of men who need these voluntary services?

My grandmother used to volunteer teaching adult literacy. The vast majority of her students were male, and in retrospect probably with dyslexia who went to school in the days when there was no support for LDs.

DH's granny volunteered for many years with adults with downs syndrome living in what we would now call sheltered accommodation teaching life skills and just generally helping out their carers, this was in the 80s-90s. I remember chatting with her about it and she said the vast majority of the people she worked with were male, I asked why and she said that in those days daughters with downs syndrome would be more likely to stay at home because "the mums could handle them ok".

I don't think in either case it was a matter of "oh, I have to pick up the slack, as there aren't enough men volunteering". It was "I want to teach people to read" or "I want to go round and sit for a few hours having a nice chat and a cup of tea to give the carers a break." And both groups of "service users" happened to be majority male.

Sounds like he’s concerned for your safety. The men you’re working with are criminals, right? So some might not be nicest people ever, to put it nicely. I can understand his objections personally.

@justasking111 - You're giving up your lunch/downtime. It's eating into your weekend. I'm sorry but that's unhealthy

I completely disagree with this. Have your children ever gone to an activity or club that was led by volunteers? Football coaching, athletics, Brownies, Guides, Scouts? All volunteering 'eats in your time' - some volunteers spend hundreds of hours working for free for their chosen organisation. Without volunteers, many clubs and organisations would go under. What a revolting attitude.

I volunteered for a night shelter type project. It felt rewarding and was safely run but obviously nothing is zero risk to personal safety. My DH let me do it, supported me when training etc, but would worry and often not sleep himself all the hours I was out. For health reasons I stopped doing it, DH was so relieved.

Unless you talk to him properly you won’t know if it is an idealogical objection or worry for your well-being/safety/mental health. I would be concerned in your situation if you are meeting the person that there is a risk of attachment/stalking. My friend works for the probation service and they have to be so careful, she works in another city.

Im not sure if the situation is him trying to control your choices, or feeling so uncomfortable about it that he doesn’t think the marriage can survive it. Again you need to talk. He is within his rights to walk away if he finds it too upsetting. But if you feel controlled or unhappy in your marriage then maybe this is sending you a message. Have you already checked out of the marriage and are pouring too much energy into this?

Personally, it sounds old fashioned, but I would put my marriage first if you value it. You may not agree with his view but I would not disregard his feelings (even if they seem irrational), it has to be a significant factor in your decision making. You may be able to reach a compromise. There may be times in the future that you want to veto one of his wishes (moving abroad, buying a motorbike whatever) and the roles are reversed. It can be part and parcel of the long term nature of marriage.

MrsSkylerWhite and SartresSoul, the OP has addressed the issue of her safety already.

It's interesting reading so many strong negative reactions. I seem to be wired differently. For exampe, a murderer is an easier concept for me to handle than a soldier who kills because someone else told him to. Yet both will likely need support and rehabilitation to function in a healthy way in normal society. A relatively small percentage of society are extreme individuals whose actions revolt us; they are often shaped by deprivation and abuse themselves. They impinge on my life, on our lives, far less than the everyday tsunami of crappy relationships, crappy parenting, being crappy human beings in the world for no good reason at all. Yet we save our vehemence for the extremes. I understand, but it also baffles me, as it doesn't really make sense.

To be honest, I think that by the time an ultimatum has been issued, the relationship is pretty much dead in the water.

If you stop doing something which you feel is valuable and important, you will resent him and that will eat away at your relationship. If you don't, then he will either leave, or feel resentful and angry because you didn't put him first.

@Stravaig

It's interesting reading so many strong negative reactions. I seem to be wired differently. For exampe, a murderer is an easier concept for me to handle than a soldier who kills because someone else told him to. Yet both will likely need support and rehabilitation to function in a healthy way in normal society. A relatively small percentage of society are extreme individuals whose actions revolt us; they are often shaped by deprivation and abuse themselves. They impinge on my life, on our lives, far less than the everyday tsunami of crappy relationships, crappy parenting, being crappy human beings in the world for no good reason at all. Yet we save our vehemence for the extremes. I understand, but it also baffles me, as it doesn't really make sense.

I think a lot of it is to do with social and media responses to things like murder: basically whipping up hysteria, to use quite tabloid-type language myself And it takes a bit of an act of imagination to think what you say: that people committing extreme acts/crimes are often shaped by deprivation and abuse. An act that a lot of people seem unable or unwilling to engage in.

I think it's easy for people to "other" people who commit violent crimes by depicting them as evil monsters who are barely even human. In a few extreme cases, that might not be far from the truth but usually it's much more complicated than that.

Ultimately, I suppose it hinges on the idea of whether you believe that rehabilitation is possible or not. If you think it is, then it makes perfect sense to support people through the process as it benefits the individual and it benefits society as a whole. If you don't believe it will work, then I guess you won't see the point. Personally, I think that rehabilitation is probably possible in the vast majority of cases. Not all, but enough to make it worth trying.

@VioletSky1234

Helping to rehabilitate them so when they're inevitably released they're less likely to offend,

Yes this is exactly it

Honestly I can see his point a bit, especially if it's likely to be sex offenders or abusers if you're a social worker.

I used to be in similar areas and your voluntary work is very unlikely to help. A lot of these people cannot be helped, and if they can be, they need more than what you can offer. I gave up on it because the system fails these people and they'll end up doing the same crimes again if not worse. But some are also just bad people and cannot be helped.

I wouldn't leave my partner for it though. But I would think it was a waste of your time. A better volunteering use would be helping the victims, not the offenders. Most of them are a lost cause.

I have to say OP if this is such an important / valuable role why is it a volunteer role rather than paid? I struggle with the concept of volunteering at times as it often means paid employment isn't offered. There is no reason this sort of work couldn't be offered on a sessional basis.

Re your DH objections, cannot comment as do not have enough information about his concerns. it all seems a bit intense to me though - an extension of what you currently do for your job? Do you not need some time out for yourself if the work is demanding - are you in danger of burning out?

@AlexaShutUp

I think it's easy for people to "other" people who commit violent crimes by depicting them as evil monsters who are barely even human. In a few extreme cases, that might not be far from the truth but usually it's much more complicated than that.

Ultimately, I suppose it hinges on the idea of whether you believe that rehabilitation is possible or not. If you think it is, then it makes perfect sense to support people through the process as it benefits the individual and it benefits society as a whole. If you don't believe it will work, then I guess you won't see the point. Personally, I think that rehabilitation is probably possible in the vast majority of cases. Not all, but enough to make it worth trying.

I agree with all this.

I am surprised so many are against doing something worthy. Just to please their husband. Are we living in Saudi Arabia?

A better volunteering use would be helping the victims, not the offenders. Most of them are a lost cause

This is not true. Some are a lost cause such as the murderer of Sarah Everard.

But there are many people (mainly men) out there who offend because they've had a bad upbringing, a poor education and have mental health difficulties. Given some support, they can absolutely go on to work for a living, pay taxes and make a contribution to society. I think the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act and the DBS scheme need wide-ranging reform.

I do not have the skillset or personality traits to do the sort of work the OP wants to do, but I think it is very important.

Whatever the chosen field your partner does not have the right to veto what you do! I'm amazed at the number of responses here indicating that he could have a point in threatening to leave you over it. In addition, what you've said about his reasoning re "males" speaks volumes. How can you be with someone like that? I would be out the door.

@AlexaShutUp

I think it's easy for people to "other" people who commit violent crimes by depicting them as evil monsters who are barely even human. In a few extreme cases, that might not be far from the truth but usually it's much more complicated than that.

Ultimately, I suppose it hinges on the idea of whether you believe that rehabilitation is possible or not. If you think it is, then it makes perfect sense to support people through the process as it benefits the individual and it benefits society as a whole. If you don't believe it will work, then I guess you won't see the point. Personally, I think that rehabilitation is probably possible in the vast majority of cases. Not all, but enough to make it worth trying.

I agree on the possibility of rehabilitation, in part or whole; though for some not at all. But always worthwhile to try, for us, as an expression of our values as a society.

Agree also @IntermittentParps, on ease of caricaturing and lack of imagination/empathy.

@IntermittentParps

I think your OH should just leave you and start a good life. What the fuck?! We've ascertained that the OP will be volunteering in rehabilitation, yes? Are you saying that a 'good life' is about opposing rehabilitation?

OP, if you were volunteering for a neo-Nazi group or something then obviously your DP would have a point. But I think the answer in this case is 'This is what I'm doing; deal with it.'
Incidentally, does he give up HIS time to volunteer for these ‘more worthy’ people?

You're giving up your lunch/downtime. It's eating into your weekend. I'm sorry but that's unhealthy . It's destroyed my friends marriage she works with children. She's quite unhinged in her views these days, her husband and friends have stepped away. Her children have suffered.
This is VERY overdramatic. The OP hasn't said it's every single lunchtime. And 'eating into your weekend'? The OP said 'the very occasional Saturday/Sunday.' Get a grip.

Nothing has been established, a few guesses have been made is all

Is it working with sex offenders? To reduce isolation. Can you show your OH evidence that this reduces reoffending therefore safeguarding young children?

@ChrimboGateauxCatto.. Why should she have to?
OP wants to do volunteering work that she sounds passionate about.
She is an adult... Not a teenager trying to convince her dad that going to a party is safe...