AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

[VioletSky1234]

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

mummykel16, 'guesses'?
The OP says in reply to someone saying
'Helping to rehabilitate them so when they're inevitably released they're less likely to offend'
'Yes this is exactly it'.

And that it may involve 'the very occasional Saturday/Sunday'. Which is not quite what 'eating into your weekend' sounds like. The poster who wrote this also used the word 'unhinged'. It's pretty florid.

@JuergenSchwarzwald

A better volunteering use would be helping the victims, not the offenders. Most of them are a lost cause

This is not true. Some are a lost cause such as the murderer of Sarah Everard.

But there are many people (mainly men) out there who offend because they've had a bad upbringing, a poor education and have mental health difficulties. Given some support, they can absolutely go on to work for a living, pay taxes and make a contribution to society. I think the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act and the DBS scheme need wide-ranging reform.

I do not have the skillset or personality traits to do the sort of work the OP wants to do, but I think it is very important.

But that's the problem, the lack of support. Talking to them like op is going to do provides nothing but free therapy almost for the prisoner. What about when they leave?

How do they get a job?
How do they get housing?
How do they reintegrate into society?

There is little support there. We don't have housing for the current people in the system who haven't committed crimes. Who is going to hire paedophiles? Its not like they can work in a shop. They will likely have few skills after leaving prison. I know of a paedophile living near a family member. He was known in the community before. He still has a home at least, but he has no life. He doesn't work, doesn't leave the house, doesn't do anything. Now what about the other offenders who aren't as lucky? Where do they live? We lack social housing anyway.

Eventually they'll likely reoffend, but probably on stealing. When I say they are a lost cause, its because of the lack of support for them. Maybe some can be helped. Although honestly I don't think paedophiles can be. If they found looking at children sexually pleasing before, you're not going to get rid of that without damaging their brain.

Without volunteers, many clubs and organisations would go under.

True but the OP isn't volunteering for Cubs or Brownies and doing something "different" with her time off. Instead she's volunteering for more of the same as her day job but seemingly with fewer boundaries.

I find it creepy that so many people have decided that this must be about sex offenders and are absolutely obsessed with the topic

People are talking about counselling sex offenders because it is a rare example where her partner's reaction would easily be shared by many people here who are not especially controlling. And that's needed to balance other people who think he has no reason except being controlling. The OP has been cagey about what the volunteering is, and she hasn't ruled out that it's counselling sex offenders.

that it may involve 'the very occasional Saturday/Sunday'.

That's what the OP says now. But she's already doing more of it than her partner likes and she wants to do more without pay, so in his place I would be suspicious that she's getting sucked in to whatever it is and it's only going to increase.

OP I don't know how you talk to your partner about it, only that if you want the relationship to contnue then you do have to talk to him! And I would be looking less at convicing him that you are "doing good" and more at convincing him that boundaries are not being eroded.

she's already doing more of it than her partner likes
It's her job

@Theredjellybean

It doesn't matter much what the role is... Its the "does he get to veto it", "barely tolerating", "says he'll leave me"

That is the crux of this, you seem to think your dh has say over your life, has right to dictate what you can and cannot do.
HE DOES NOT OWN YOU
HE IS NOT YOUR BOSS OR FATHER
YOU ARE AN ADULT

So if you want to do it, do it...I'd literally laugh at dp if he started saying stuff about vetoing something I was doing.

This says a lot about your view of your relationship. would it be ok for him to laugh at you if you tried to veto him doing recreational drugs at home/going to strip clubs/something else you strongly objected to. Being in a relationship means taking your partners views into account. In the end does your need to do 'x' take precedence over your relationship, if it does then your relationship isn't that strong. I don't like being told what to do/not do and fortunately our relationship is based on mutual respect, OH doesn't normally tell me not to do things but will tell me his opinion. On the rare occasions where he's strongly against then I take his view into account, last thing i want to do is offend him, his feelings and views matter to me.

would it be ok for him to laugh at you if you tried to veto him doing recreational drugs at home/going to strip clubs
This is a false equivalence and you know it.
Well, I assume you know it.

@IntermittentParps

she's already doing more of it than her partner likes It's her job

It might not be a huge part of her job - it's likely it has other strands to it that balance that element.

@VioletSky1234

Helping to rehabilitate them so when they're inevitably released they're less likely to offend,

Yes this is exactly it

A difficult debate for the two of you!

On one side is somehone who sees rehabilitation as possible and as important to us all - perhaps more so than to the offenders.You are working for society and for the safety and well-being of all rather than just for (perhaps undeserving) people you speak to?

On the other side you are working for (mostly) men who don't deserve any special support because of what they have done. It might be dangerous for you to have had contact with such people (they might seek you out when released).

I'd say it is something to discuss rather than to make rules about.

Does your DH usually decide how you spend your time (that would be completely wrong) or is this just something that repells him? Do you appreciate each other's points of view?

This is a difficult one.
The majority of social workers complain they’re overworked and underpaid. But you want to do more - unpaid?

Seems that there’s a very complex set of factors at play. Nobody here can fully advise without knowing his side.

Maybe it’s you being an ‘activist’ type he objects to which is a bigger personality clash. He thinks you’ll get too emotionally involved not in a relationship way but in a caring too much about people way.

It might not be a huge part of her job - it's likely it has other strands to it that balance that element.
What does that have to do with her partner 'not liking it'? Do you mean it's OK for her to do her chosen job as long as it's carefully balanced so as to meet his requirements?

No - of course it has to meet her requirements. But it may change the way he feels about what she is doing and they would both have to see if that's a dealbreaker. There are various things I can think of where 'some' of the job would not bother me too much, but a lot more of it might do. I get that that would be on me - I think he's communicated that too.

...Actually, I've realised that I am, in a way, in that position (that I described in the above post). DH has, in many ways, quite an uncontroversial job that has its stressors, but he is well trained to handle them. One tangent of it, though, is rehousing families of people who have committed offences that are looked on very negatively because of abuses of trust. The families are usually blameless but vulnerable and needing help very fast. This is not what he's trained for but is part of the deal and has had to learn from experience because it's not that rare. I am concerned for him when some details deal a heavier blow to him than expected - it can have a bit of an effect on relationships and his mood at home. I admire HIM for it but don't find it something that I can identify with well.

Sometimes relationships end because two people discover they have different moral values. You have a right to live as you please, but he also has a right to decide your values are incompatible with his

Beautifully put

Regardless of gender, if this involved sex offenders I wouldn't be comfortable either, but that's my personal choice and I wouldn't deny someone else theirs
I would, however, be looking again at whether it was a realtionship I'd be happy continuing

@Ormally

...Actually, I've realised that I am, in a way, in that position (that I described in the above post). DH has, in many ways, quite an uncontroversial job that has its stressors, but he is well trained to handle them. One tangent of it, though, is rehousing families of people who have committed offences that are looked on very negatively because of abuses of trust. The families are usually blameless but vulnerable and needing help very fast. This is not what he's trained for but is part of the deal and has had to learn from experience because it's not that rare. I am concerned for him when some details deal a heavier blow to him than expected - it can have a bit of an effect on relationships and his mood at home. I admire HIM for it but don't find it something that I can identify with well.

I get that; but it sounds like your concern is for his well-being: things that 'deal a heavier blow to him than expected'. The OP's DP's concerns, by contrast, seem to be his own moral (I would say judgemental) ones. He is against this cause and 'thinks many people are ‘more worthy’.'

Probably. But I'm also thinking of situations where you might have different angles in a partnership that would make it extremely hard to steer around to a more moderate or general view if yours was already a long way from your partner's. E.g. being religious, and partner working with safeguarding that has to control sex offending in people with roles in that religion, or to work with their victims. Or working with a charity centred on improving (miscarriages of) justice or similar, with partner volunteering or working for the police.
Probably gone some way off course with that, but I suppose it's a domestic extension of what could become a conflict of interest in certain professional situations.

What are his reasons?

He is worried about your mental health.
He is worried about you both being threatened - if family and friends of victims find out then they may target you. Or the offenders may find out where you live and contact you in some way.
He is morally opposed to it.

So I think you should discuss this. Maybe do some compromising and see how things work out.

If this is work with sex offenders, it is possible that the husband is having a strong reaction because he has had an experience of abuse himself. Not everyone discloses it to others, even family or spouse but it might be just too close to home when he thinks of his wife having actual contact with a man like this and he would find he is unable to have them distance from the subject that he needs. Counselling might help him but these things can’t be forced and it still wouldn’t help a survivor to have it so in their face.

Obv if not sex offender then not so relevant

I think it's impossible to say who, if anyone, is being unreasonable here.

You have got the right to say I want to do this voluntary work but he has got the right to say I don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

I think you need to both sit down and talk about this openly and honestly on both sides

@Ormally

Probably. But I'm also thinking of situations where you might have different angles in a partnership that would make it extremely hard to steer around to a more moderate or general view if yours was already a long way from your partner's. E.g. being religious, and partner working with safeguarding that has to control sex offending in people with roles in that religion, or to work with their victims. Or working with a charity centred on improving (miscarriages of) justice or similar, with partner volunteering or working for the police. Probably gone some way off course with that, but I suppose it's a domestic extension of what could become a conflict of interest in certain professional situations.

I'm not sure I've understood the religious example here; sorry if not. But do you mean e.g. partner is a vicar and you work with issues of sex offending by vicars and others in the Church? I'd hope the partner would appreciate what you were doing.

And the miscarriages of justice one; well, again, you'd hope that someone working for the police would be just as keen for that area to be as free of mistakes/corruption as possible. (although I know we all watch Line of Duty and read the news about Cressida Dick et al...)

In the first one: partner A is religious as a layperson, but not a vicar or doesn't have any kind of senior role in the organisation. Partner B shares the religion but works in a safeguarding capacity and therefore has to be a 'watcher to the watchers', and would need to have knowledge who has offended, sailed close to a line, or if they are at risk of doing so.

In the second one: I'm thinking of a friend who got a position in a charity along the lines of the one I describe, but was asked to leave (!) due to volunteering as a PCSO after some time in the role (NB this wasn't the actual voluntary position, so I can stay vague about it, but very close). In most cases the volunteering would have been thought as a good and community-serving move. That conflict surrounded one person but I can imagine it could easily apply, split within a partnership.

He's just a common bully. Tell him where the door is.

Any partner who uses threats to limit your choices is no partner at all. Volunteering with prisoners is no reason to sympathise with this guy.

Pack his bags and enjoy a life free of being told what to do by jealous arseholes.

@tigger1001

I think it's impossible to say who, if anyone, is being unreasonable here.

You have got the right to say I want to do this voluntary work but he has got the right to say I don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

I think you need to both sit down and talk about this openly and honestly on both sides

This is what it comes down to at the end of the day.

After all , OP has every right to pursue this role and continue doing it , especially since it's something she really wants. At the same time, her partner has the right to leave if it's something he can't deal with for whatever reason. Unless a compromise can be reached or a shift in attitude, him leaving is actually the best option before resentment from either side takes hold.

@tigger1001

I think it's impossible to say who, if anyone, is being unreasonable here.

You have got the right to say I want to do this voluntary work but he has got the right to say I don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

I think you need to both sit down and talk about this openly and honestly on both sides

I agree however I do notice that the op has been very sketchy with details. I don't think the barely tolerates is to do with her job but the volunteering that she already does (you have to read her comments carefully to see that she is already volunteering). She implied it was to do with her talking to men when it's then become clear that it isn't about jealousy and the fact they are men is mostly incidental it's just these are the people who commit those crimes.

I don't think he's threatening to leave to control her but if she does this then it crosses his line in the sand. I'd rather people were honest about what they will and won't accept in a partnership

The pros and cons of the validity of the OP's volunteering actually does not matter.

Her partner has expressed his boundary - do this and the relationship ends. This is a deal-breaker for him.

OP now gets to decide what her choice is - volunteering or relationship

Viewing things in this way would have made me see abuse far more quickly than I did - and I would have exited the abusive relationship.

In this case, I kind of feel like the deal-breaker is more reasonable on the partner's side.

Not enough information to say whether or not he is being U.