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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

301 replies

VioletSky1234 · 02/02/2022 21:39

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

OP posts:
GrandDuchessRomanov · 02/02/2022 21:41

Need more info

saraclara · 02/02/2022 21:42

How much time is involved? What aspect of it is bothering him? The commitment? The type of cause it supports?

DrDreReturns · 02/02/2022 21:42

Is it instead of getting a job?

HelloDulling · 02/02/2022 21:42

Obviously, the choice is yours, but equally he can choose to break up your relationship. If you won’t say what the role/organisation is, it’s hard to know whether either of you is unreasonable.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/02/2022 21:43

What are his reasons?

ilovemybeachhut · 02/02/2022 21:43

I wouldn't be blackmailed over it. It's my life and I live it as I want.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/02/2022 21:44

If you are married to a Tory MP and the voluntary gig is in something like helping at a food bank or helping asylum seekers then I can see the huge conflict of interest.

If it's more that he just doesn't want you to do something you would enjoy that would mean you are out of the house leaving him to tend to the children then the issue is bigger than just this voluntary position.

ApolloandDaphne · 02/02/2022 21:45

I need to know what his reasons are. Is it a cause he is deeply against?

Original poster
VioletSky1234 · 02/02/2022 21:45

It involves communicating with people who may be male…I think this is his primary objection, if that makes sense. Don’t want to say exactly, but it is an accredited position and an extension of my full time job.

OP posts:
Yuckypretty · 02/02/2022 21:45

Does it mean he will have to look after the kids?

SickAndTiredAgain · 02/02/2022 21:46

Threatening to leave is pretty extreme and I wouldn’t like the ultimatum element of it. But given you’ve said you can see why he is uncomfortable it really is hard to judge how unreasonable he’s being without more details.

ldontWanna · 02/02/2022 21:46

@VioletSky1234

It involves communicating with people who may be male…I think this is his primary objection, if that makes sense. Don’t want to say exactly, but it is an accredited position and an extension of my full time job.
Is it a safety issue or a morals/not my wife/she's gonna cheat issue?
powershowerforanhour · 02/02/2022 21:46

Unless you're going hunt sabbing and he's an MFH
, he's probably being a bit unreasonable to split up over it.

Fuuuuuckit · 02/02/2022 21:46

My ex listed my voluntary work as one of the reasons to divorce me. I was a helper at the toddler group our kids both attended, we had agreed I would be a sahp until kids went to school.

It really depends op - what are his objections - does he think you should be in paid work? Neglecting home/family? What exactly is your commitment in terms of hours per week?

Rainbowshit · 02/02/2022 21:47

On the face of it I would say anyone that blackmails in such a way you are better off without. However I think we need to know a bit more about his reasons?

HardbackWriter · 02/02/2022 21:47

Your partner doesn't normally tolerate you talking to men?

Etinoxaurus · 02/02/2022 21:47

Mahoosive red flag from the info you’ve given.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/02/2022 21:47

I think you are wanting people to say that he doesn't get a vote as to how you spend your time, and to an extent it that is true, but it depends on a number if things really.

I don't make a habit of asking my dp's opinion about how I spend my time, bit if he had a huge enough objection to something to be willing to end our relationship over an activity I would at least listen to his objections.

Is there an impact on him that leads to his objection e.g. he works and you are a sahm but he thinks it will effect your care of the dc and that isn't what was agreed to. Or is it that the activity is something he has a huge moral objection to? I'm not controlling, but I wouldn't be over pleased if dp took up sex work, volunteer work at an abattoir or selling a religion to the unwary.

SickAndTiredAgain · 02/02/2022 21:47

Oh I cross posted. Communicating with men is his objection? Is there more to it, or does he just not like you talking to men full stop?

RoyKentsChestHair · 02/02/2022 21:48

Are you generally not allowed to talk to ‘people who may be male/men’? If that’s his only objection then he’s obviously being unreasonable. If it’s writing letters to convicted criminals or something then I can see why he might take issue with it.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2022 21:48

So if you have a job where you're talking to men he'll leave you because you can't be trusted?

Original poster
VioletSky1234 · 02/02/2022 21:48

It doesn’t involve any time out of the house, and we have no children in the equation. It is a cause he is against, he thinks many people are ‘more worthy’.

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 02/02/2022 21:48

Communicating with people who may be male.... Unless they're going to be masturbating on the phone to you or you're going to be undressing for them, I can't for the life of me imagine what the issue might be. Does he not want you to speak to men?!

I think you can give a bit more info without it being completely outing!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/02/2022 21:48

Wonder why he is worried you might meet a NICE man?

Stompythedinosaur · 02/02/2022 21:48

Sorry, posted before I saw your update.

If his sole objection is about wanting to control you to the extent he doesn't want you talking to men, then he is fully unreasonable and you are better off without him!