AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

[VioletSky1234]

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

Ok give me a sensible ,reasonable , non threatening way in which you can explain to your partner that what they're doing is upsetting you so much that you can't cope with it so you want to end relationship if it continues.

This was your question:
"But how do you talk about this and voice your objections over it and how strongly you feel without "threats"
...and I answered it.

I have never had objections to something that I felt so strongly about that I would leave someone over them. As I said, I've talked about difficult things and voiced how strong my objections are without ever issuing a threat.

We don't know if the DH is actually going to leave her, or whether he's using that to control her.

Interesting when people say a husband/partner doesn't have a say in what they want to do. Isn't marriage a partnership where you both agree on certain things or compromise.
It's baffling to have an attitude of I can do what I want when I want instead of being a team.
Sharing the same values helps and if you disagree, it's wrong to give ultimatums (him) but also wrong to expect him to just accept it. As they say, communication is key.
Also OP, are you saying there's no job/hobby you'd be uncomfortable with your DH doing?

@Theluggage15

My sister is a children’s social worker and her full time job is extremely full time, I don’t see how she’d have the time or emotional energy to volunteer in something related to her role as well. I’m surprised you want to do this at all, is it really wise?

Lots of people have full on jobs and still volunteer. Thank goodness. OP has said that they have no children, so it's perfectly doable.

I know that, I used to volunteer and work full time but being a social worker is emotionally draining, it would be less surprising to volunteer in something unrelated.

@grapewine

If it's sex offenders and or child abusers, then I'm with him. I'd have to leave too. I just don't believe they can be helped.

He has a line in the sand. He can't tell you not to do it, but he is within his right to leave.

Agreed.

I think it really depends what the volunteering is, and you’ve been very vague about it so it’s hard to tell. There is a moral difference between helping refugees vs. helping rapists for example.

If it’s helping rapists, sex offenders or pedophiles then I’m with your partner. I would leave without hesitation or regret if my partner chose that over me. There are some things I just cannot support.

I don’t see that as controlling. He’s not saying you CAN’T volunteer. You are free to choose volunteering. He’s free to decide if he wants to be with someone who supports something he’s morally against.

It's valuable work, OP.

If your partner is only barely tolerating your existing job, which you sound skilled at and committed to, then perhaps the relationship has run its course?

@WonderfulYou

If it’s with sex offenders then I’d struggle to be ok with it. I’d think can’t you channel that energy into victim support?

Surely preventing victims is more useful than waiting until they’re victims and then supporting them.

If being rehabilitated means they’re less likely to commit the crime again then we need people like OP to do these things.

I worked for one of those organisations.

The internal line was that there was nothing they could do that would stop them reoffending, even though that was the angle with which they got funding. The idea was to study them to see if future ones could be prevented/identified before too many children were harmed.

I jacked the job in when they left me alone in a unit at night with 30 of them whilst they had a meeting the other side of the door I was locked in by. Even then, they made me complete the expenses claim before I left for the trips they took them out on the previous Saturday afternoon. The family pub with a children's play area.

Knowing what I do now, I'd say no way to DP doing something related - I was sent there by an agency and they didn't tell me until I was there what the place was, at which point, it was work there or no more bookings.

@HandforthParishCouncilClerk

To the people saying they couldn’t be with anyone who worked in sex offender rehab - what would you rather as the alternative? That they just be released into the wild with no supervision, monitoring, plans? You may not like the idea but you can’t devalue the work.

The answer is don't release them. There are some scum people that should never, ever, be amongst normal society and anyone committing a sexual crime is top of that list. There isn't any rehabilitation in the world that is going to turn that around.

To volunteer in a role you actually get paid to do full time is imo. Unhealthy mentally.

I've done a role like this you can become obsessed if you like. I would object to my partner doing this.

Thanks @IDontWanna that's exactly the data I was looking for. It's not great is it.

Personally I think that if you've abused young children then you either shouldn't be released at all or there needs to be a medical option. There is (clearly) no real rehabilitation for those people.

This would probably be my line in the sand. There is very little that would really push me to the limit but working with sex offenders, particularly those guilty of things involving children, would do it.

This was your question:
"But how do you talk about this and voice your objections over it and how strongly you feel without "threats"
...and I answered it.

I have never had objections to something that I felt so strongly about that I would leave someone over them. As I said, I've talked about difficult things and voiced how strong my objections are without ever issuing a threat.

I told my DP that if he ever kicked things around my house in anger again then it would be the end of our relationship. He told me he had no deal breakers and that it wasn’t fair for me to have them, that boundaries are “bulllshit” and that everything should be dealt with on a case by case basis. I told him that I didn’t care whether he agreed or not, that was my line in the sand and if he ever crossed it then the relationship was over. It took him 7 years but he did it again. The relationship is now over. No surprise. He knows why.

Having boundaries isn’t a bad thing, it’s necessary. If OP’s partner has a non negotiable boundary he is 100% within his rights to state it up front so that there is no doubt about the seriousness of his feeling on this. We always hear on here that anyone can leave a relationship for any reason, and that it doesn’t need both people to agree for that to be the end of the relationship.

As you’ve seen, plenty of people would have a problem with this type of work (presuming our guesses are along the right lines).

@Stravaig

It's valuable work, OP.

If your partner is only barely tolerating your existing job, which you sound skilled at and committed to, then perhaps the relationship has run its course?

I read that as the DP is barely tolerating the remote volunteer work, but OP will soon be face-to-face with the offender. Not that DP has an issue with the day job.

I do have a bit of sympathy for dh tbh.

If I were him I’d also be worried about them forming an attachment to you and finding out your address. Maybe irrational but I’d be worried about your safety.

Why has this thread been derailed into talking about sex offenders?
OP hasn't said anything to imply that that's who she'd be dealing with.

I would say that it's highly unlikely that anyone would use volunteers for that kind of work.

Does he have any personal reasons to object this cause?
Also how good he is in communication? Maybe it’s a problem with communication rather then control issue.

@saraclara
I think she’s mentioned Circles but I might be wrong

@saraclara

Why has this thread been derailed into talking about sex offenders? OP hasn't said anything to imply that that's who she'd be dealing with.

I would say that it's highly unlikely that anyone would use volunteers for that kind of work.

People were guessing refugees or sex offenders and she said “ Yes the role is very close to what posters have suggested.” So that implies it’s something close to one of those.

I know two women who have worked directly with sex offenders, one was a psychologist and the other worked for the police. My friends ex wife was also a consultant paediatrician and was called as an expert witness in Child sexual abuse cases. Two of the three had complete breakdowns. For confidentiality reasons they could not discuss their work in detail ever. To be honest one of them has never totally recovered and has alcohol issues.

I can see why he just can’t support your choice, I would feel the same. You must have surely come across some who have suffered at the hands of sex offenders in your line of work. I used to volunteer for a DV charity and have heard some terrible stories, many if the women were so frightened of men, any men . I can’t see how your clients at work would find out but if they did they would probably never trust you again.

By leaving out the details you've unfairly made your DP out to be controlling and jealous. Many people would be uncomfortable with thier partner working a full time job with sex offenders and volunteering on top.

Given it's your job and now a hobby, do you find yourself talking about it a lot with him? Maybe that is adding to his discomfort and he's had enough.

Is it CoSA? If yes, I have volunteered for them before and you are welcome to PM me.

I think he has been honest with you in terms of his feelings and worries about it - so you know that he will, at the very least, be tempted to leave as time goes on. I'm also wondering if he has any sense of the work changing you that he has not gone into. Even if you bounce back from some things, maybe he is concerned about the effects of what you are doing and possibly afraid of being able to support you if you needed it and couldn't go back after something seminal. My DH has some connections to families of offenders, who often also receive abuse by proxy (from the public). It's nothing on the scale you hint at and yet it does eat him up sometimes - I want to know as little as possible, and confidentiality means he can't share.

Judging by the fact that you’ve been so vague about this, it seems evident that this is something which would alter people’s view if you actually said what it was.

So let’s take the career in a different direction. Do you work in child social care and work with parents who abuse and/or kill their children and want to work for an organisation which helps to rehabilitate those parents before they’re released for killing/seriously abusing their children?

The fact you say that they could be male implies that they’re probably not sex offenders but that you’ve said they might be male to imply that your DP is possessive if you speak to other men which is likely not the case because some are going to be female.

Are you going to be involved in rehabilitation of the likes of the types who killed little Arthur? Or Star Hobson? Or Baby P? Because it’s one thing to have to work with those types as part of your job, it’s quite another to want to do it voluntarily. And I have to say that if my partner said he wanted to work for a voluntary organisation and might be engaging with e.g. baby p’s mother, or Ian Huntley then I’m not even sure I’d have the conversation, I would just leave.

[quote greenlynx]@saraclara
I think she’s mentioned Circles but I might be wrong[/quote]
No, someone else did.

People were guessing refugees or sex offenders and she said “ Yes the role is very close to what posters have suggested.” So that implies it’s something close to one of those.

There's a whole world of difference between the two. Almost a galaxy. So if it's refugees then we can dispense with just about everything people have said over the last few pages.

@VioletSky1234

Helping to rehabilitate them so when they're inevitably released they're less likely to offend,

Yes this is exactly it

I think this post by the OP is sufficient to suggest that most posters are on the right track, if not exactly right.