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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

301 replies

VioletSky1234 · 02/02/2022 21:39

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 02/02/2022 22:58

@saraclara

Intellectually I know it's a good cause, that it must be done and more importantly it must be done by good people that know what they're doing.

Personally though (especially if sex offenders) I couldn't deal with it

It's fine if you couldn't deal with it yourself. But not dealing with your partner doing it just seems really odd to me. I don't understand why OP's DH is threatening to leave her if SHE does it.

I meant I couldn't deal with my partner doing it. I'd either leave or want to be completely out of the loop and pretend it doesn't exist.. so no complaining,no details,no changing arrangements because of it etc. Even then I'd still probably struggle.
ofwarren · 02/02/2022 23:00

If it's paedophiles then I'm with your partner. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who volunteered to do that.

ldontWanna · 02/02/2022 23:02

But how do you talk about this and voice your objections over it and how strongly you feel without "threats"?

If it really is his line in the sand ,as other posters said he has the right to leave. So just claim everything is fine and just file for divorce one day and THEN disclose why?

timeisnotaline · 02/02/2022 23:05

If it’s with sex offenders then I’d struggle to be ok with it. I’d think can’t you channel that energy into victim support?

saraclara · 02/02/2022 23:05

@ofwarren

If it's paedophiles then I'm with your partner. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who volunteered to do that.
Why? Does it make you think that somehow your partner would be legitimising what they did?

I still don't get it (though of course I quite understand that victims of sexual abuse would be bringing a different kind of emotion to it, and in that case one would hope that their partners wouldn't even ask to do that kind of volunteering - if it even exists)

GinIronic · 02/02/2022 23:05

Sex offender rehab then - talking to them just before they go a bail hostel?

billy1966 · 02/02/2022 23:05

He sounds controlling.

He doesn't have to agree with your choices, just respect them.

He clearly doesn't.

Help him pack.Flowers

saraclara · 02/02/2022 23:07

But how do you talk about this and voice your objections over it and how strongly you feel without "threats"?

I can barely believe what I'm reading. I've managed to talk about difficult subjects and voice serious objections to things on many occasions, but never had a need to resort to threats. And a threat to actually leave your spouse is never necessary to make a point, if you're able to use language in any sensible way.

Forensicpsych · 02/02/2022 23:08

I thought it was circles from reading the first post @VioletSky1234
I think if you’d posted that from the beginning, a lot of people’s responses would be different. You must understand why people have such different views on such work?

PonyPatter44 · 02/02/2022 23:09

Is it New Bridge, by any chance? If it is a role like prison befriending, its not only working with sex offenders and murderers. There are many prisoners who have no contact with family or friends outside for LOADS of reasons, and they are locked up for all sorts of offences.

I think your DH needs to be a bit more explicit about why he doesn't like your plan... and its completely unacceptable to threaten you with divorce over a volunteering role!

BringYourOwnBoris · 02/02/2022 23:10

Be careful OP.
I've been in a very similar situation. I told DH he was being ridiculous until I got biten really badly and we had to delay starting a family until all my tests were clear.
I still have several physical scars and almost 25 years down the line I still have nightmares about what I heard (cat 1 prisoners).
I hate to say it but my DH was right.
If my DC wanted to do the job I used to do, I'd try to talk them out of it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/02/2022 23:10

The devil is definitely in the detail with this thread.

I knew when your post mentioned "more worthy causes" that it was going to be some kind of prisoner outreach/rehab stuff and I could feel myself withdrawing slightly.

When it comes to sex offenders and paedophiles, if I were your partner, I wouldn't be able to cope with you doing this work either. I may be too "black and white" about it, but given the numbers of recidivists, I am all in favour of them staying locked up for a very long time, in which case they are not in need of "rehabilitation".

I realise that there are people who believe there is good in everyone if we only manage to draw it out. I also realise that many sex offenders were abused themselves - but not all people who were abused go on to become sex offenders, and I'm not convinced that you can "save" those who did.

You clearly enjoy your job, and want to extend the parameters of it - but if your partner is uncomfortable already, then this will only get worse as things go on. So if you want to do the job then I would split with your partner and either go it alone, or find someone who IS happy with the work you do.

thenewduchessoflapland · 02/02/2022 23:11

@VioletSky1234

It doesn’t involve any time out of the house, and we have no children in the equation. It is a cause he is against, he thinks many people are ‘more worthy’.
IAlcoholics Anonymous?
nettie434 · 02/02/2022 23:13

Even if you were going to volunteer to make paper flowers for aristocrats and oligarchs, I wouldn't think I had the right to try and influence what a husband/wife could do in their own time unless it was illegal or involved exploiting other people or you were going to spend all your time doing it.

HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 02/02/2022 23:15

To the people saying they couldn’t be with anyone who worked in sex offender rehab - what would you rather as the alternative? That they just be released into the wild with no supervision, monitoring, plans? You may not like the idea but you can’t devalue the work.

ldontWanna · 02/02/2022 23:18

@saraclara

But how do you talk about this and voice your objections over it and how strongly you feel without "threats"?

I can barely believe what I'm reading. I've managed to talk about difficult subjects and voice serious objections to things on many occasions, but never had a need to resort to threats. And a threat to actually leave your spouse is never necessary to make a point, if you're able to use language in any sensible way.

Ok give me a sensible ,reasonable , non threatening way in which you can explain to your partner that what they're doing is upsetting you so much that you can't cope with it so you want to end relationship if it continues.

No matter how nicely you put it or what words you use it still boils down to "stop or I'm leaving". Which is a threat.

WonderfulYou · 02/02/2022 23:18

If it’s with sex offenders then I’d struggle to be ok with it. I’d think can’t you channel that energy into victim support?

Surely preventing victims is more useful than waiting until they’re victims and then supporting them.

If being rehabilitated means they’re less likely to commit the crime again then we need people like OP to do these things.

daisyjgrey · 02/02/2022 23:19

@HandforthParishCouncilClerk

To the people saying they couldn’t be with anyone who worked in sex offender rehab - what would you rather as the alternative? That they just be released into the wild with no supervision, monitoring, plans? You may not like the idea but you can’t devalue the work.

I would want to see the data on reoffending and 'successful' rehabilitation cases first.

Theluggage15 · 02/02/2022 23:21

If it’s helping sex offenders then I’m with your husband. Imagine thinking you’re being useful and stopping them reoffending but then they reoffend anyway, what a terrible burden that would be to bear.

You want to do it because you’ll get something from it, so up to you if it’s worth breaking up over.

mummykel16 · 02/02/2022 23:21

@grapewine

If it's sex offenders and or child abusers, then I'm with him. I'd have to leave too. I just don't believe they can be helped.

He has a line in the sand. He can't tell you not to do it, but he is within his right to leave.

This
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/02/2022 23:21

Is your current role (which he already finds borderline) negatively affecting you or your relationship? Do you take it home with you, does it upset you, make you withdrawn etc ?

I can understand his motivations to some extent having seen a friend deeply affected by a stint in CEOP. She applied for it but then couldn't get a transfer out and got stuck there for years. It had a huge impact on her mental health and those around her.

So I guess be honest with yourself and have an adult conversation about it. If his only objection is that he doesn't think them worthy of your assistance then I would call his bluff.

CauliflowerBalti · 02/02/2022 23:22

You have different values. It’s ok for him not to share them, but I don’t see a future for you if he can’t accept them and support you. I’m not saying he’s wrong not to share them, or that you’re right or a better person. Just that if couples can’t find a way to disagree companionably and without ultimatums on fundamental things then it’s never going to work.

Theluggage15 · 02/02/2022 23:25

My sister is a children’s social worker and her full time job is extremely full time, I don’t see how she’d have the time or emotional energy to volunteer in something related to her role as well. I’m surprised you want to do this at all, is it really wise?

mummykel16 · 02/02/2022 23:27

@HandforthParishCouncilClerk

To the people saying they couldn’t be with anyone who worked in sex offender rehab - what would you rather as the alternative? That they just be released into the wild with no supervision, monitoring, plans? You may not like the idea but you can’t devalue the work.
Not released at all
ldontWanna · 02/02/2022 23:29

@WonderfulYou

If it’s with sex offenders then I’d struggle to be ok with it. I’d think can’t you channel that energy into victim support?

Surely preventing victims is more useful than waiting until they’re victims and then supporting them.

If being rehabilitated means they’re less likely to commit the crime again then we need people like OP to do these things.

If only.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/623876/sotp-report-web-.pdf

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