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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

301 replies

VioletSky1234 · 02/02/2022 21:39

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

OP posts:
tearinghairout · 02/02/2022 22:05

Is it religious reasons? Tricky, if so. I would listen to DH and then make up my mind. I've given in on some occasions and stood my ground on others. But it sounds as if you really want to do it. Do you think he's being unreasonable? If so, tell him why and find a way to allay his fears.

Bells3032 · 02/02/2022 22:06

My gut feeling would be something like Lucy faithful which I get people can object to but I also understand others as seeing it as protecting future victims.

It's really hard to know without knowing what he's generally like. Does he have issues with you mixing with men more generally. Does he like to demand uou do things or is this a one off cos he feels strongly on a subject.

Although even so threatening to go nuclear is a little extreme

altiara · 02/02/2022 22:08

He doesn’t get to veto on you volunteering!

saraclara · 02/02/2022 22:08

He has said if I continue he will leave me

I mean... do you really want to be with someone who makes threats like this? Is this his usual way of behaving when he doesn't like what you do?

Goawayangryman · 02/02/2022 22:08

I think it totally depends on the client group.

Obviously anyone who tried to control your activities solely because they worried about you socialising generally, or socialising with men, does not deserve your time or love.

However hardened sex offenders or murderers coming up to parole...I'd see his point entirely although it isn't his decision. He is free to leave you if he doesn't like your values.b

SunshineCake1 · 02/02/2022 22:08

@VioletSky1234

Yes the role is very close to what posters have suggested. Not my choice to work with males, just that most people in this category happen to be male. There are no issues my safety. I just don’t know what to do, how to approach a conversation with him about it.
What you do is you tell him you want to do this and he can make his choice about what he wants to do.
godmum56 · 02/02/2022 22:09

@VioletSky1234

It doesn’t involve any time out of the house, and we have no children in the equation. It is a cause he is against, he thinks many people are ‘more worthy’.
but that's not up to him. he doesn't have to support the same causes as you do but he shouldn't control what causes you want to support surely?
ldontWanna · 02/02/2022 22:09

Some of the things suggested would be a big hard no for me. I don't know if I'd leave but I definitely wouldn't be supportive or want to hear anything about it or have my life disrupted in any way by it.

Yes it's unreasonable and extreme but we all have our lines in the sand.

Aderyn21 · 02/02/2022 22:11

Sometimes relationships end because two people discover they have different moral values. You have a right to live as you please, but he also has a right to decide your values are incompatible with his.

How important is this role to you? Assuming he's not generally a controlling arse and the issue isn't you talking to men per se but the type of man you'd be talking to, is it worth your marriage?

If my husband wanted to talk to violent criminals for example, I'd say no way too!

CoilWatershed · 02/02/2022 22:12

it's hard to know without you saying what it actually is.

Emilizz34 · 02/02/2022 22:12

It depends .
If it involves bringing strangers to stay at your home or something similiar , then he has a right to dictate .
Otherwise he should not have any right to dictate to you

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2022 22:13

I'd struggle to be with someone who didn't share my values on this subject, to be honest
I think this is the crux of it, for you both. You have such opposite views on this, it must speak something of your wider values.
It isn't just "I don't approve, please let's not discuss it" but he's upset enough to feel he couldn't be with someone who would do this. That's his choice to make and its your choice to do it or not.
Is it worth your marriage?
Could you stay married to someone who'd try to control you this way / has such different views?

powershowerforanhour · 02/02/2022 22:13

Brenda Line for the Samaritans?

Sorecalf · 02/02/2022 22:14

While I think I could see why he would be reluctant if it was prisoners or something, I don't think I could tolerate a relationship with someone who was giving me ultimatums about volunteering.

saraclara · 02/02/2022 22:14

How important is this role to you? Assuming he's not generally a controlling arse and the issue isn't you talking to men per se but the type of man you'd be talking to, is it worth your marriage?

Is it worth your marriage is what someone should be asking OP's DH.

I can't imagine threatening to leave someone I love and care about, because they want to volunteer with a group I don't approve of. It's a well known organisation, it won't impinge on his home life, she doesn't even need to leave home to do it.

His love for her and her commitment to his marriage must be pretty minimal for him to threaten to leave her over this.

Original poster
VioletSky1234 · 02/02/2022 22:14

He said he is barely tolerating what I do now. The next step would be meeting the person. In a strictly controlled environment. Like I said before I work for social services, so this feels like an extension of my day job.

OP posts:
BobISMyUncle · 02/02/2022 22:15

Wow. Just wow. What "many people" are more worthy, exactly?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2022 22:16

So does he disapprove morally with what you're doing?
Is he worried you're at risk?
Does he not trust you?

NoKandoo · 02/02/2022 22:17

It depends on exactly what it is.

There are some things my partner could do which would be a massive red flag for me - as in they would be so far removed from anything I could bring myself to believe/do that I would seriously question whether he and I had a future together.

So while nobody can or should tell you what you should do with your spare time, they can quite reasonably say that they no longer regard you as the person with whom they would wish to spend their life.

If he's objecting because you are, say, volunteering with the Samaritans and some of the callers might be male, then he is just being a bellend.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2022 22:17

@BobISMyUncle

Wow. Just wow. What "many people" are more worthy, exactly?
I think many people would argue that lots of people are more worth of positive interventions that sex offenders, child abusers etc.
Quackpot · 02/02/2022 22:17

Are you working with sex offenders?

sweetbutapshyco · 02/02/2022 22:17

If it is writing to prisioners then I am with him as well. You deliberately did not give full information in your fist post as you kind of know that most people will support what your partner is saying. That is manipulative.

godmum56 · 02/02/2022 22:18

@powershowerforanhour

Brenda Line for the Samaritans?
I thought that no longer existed?
Bogeyes · 02/02/2022 22:19

Your partner has a problem. I would be very annoyed if my partner thought he had any right to dissuade me from doing an activity I wanted to do.

godmum56 · 02/02/2022 22:19

@VioletSky1234

He said he is barely tolerating what I do now. The next step would be meeting the person. In a strictly controlled environment. Like I said before I work for social services, so this feels like an extension of my day job.
so the volunteering isn't the whole problem, its the last straw?