Are we daft to consider leaving London in these circumstances?

[LifeWobble]

DH and I are mid-40s, have 2 primary aged DC, good jobs, live in a nice London suburb with good schools, all amenities on the doorstep. Lots of green space around by London standards. Live in a small but nice house. Basically we’re happy here.

Except…DH feels like he has come to the end of the road in his current career. It’s making him utterly miserable. He is by some margin the main income earner.

In the back of my mind is a “get out plan” that involves selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the county where we could be mortgage free and not reliant on DH’s income. He could quit his job and take some time out to evaluate what he wants to do with the rest of his career.

My career would be very limited by moving out of London, as I’m in a heavily London-oriented profession. I could probably stay in my current role but move away from London but getting another job in the field that would let me work remotely could be challenging.

AIBU to consider it?

Thanks for all the comments, I have read them all.

DH is having some counselling sessions currently and I am encouraging him to find a career coach (he’s pretty sceptical about both TBH but I think he needs to try). He’s fairly recently changed jobs in the sector which has just compounded how miserable he is (ie it’s not just a particular job he’s unhappy in, it’s the whole shebang).

To be clear, my current job is portable but I’m under no illusions that it would significantly limit my future opportunities to change job if I wasn’t London based.

We definitely wouldn’t move without thinking it through and having a clear plan. But my theory is/was that trading down to a ~£500k house outside London could give us a comfortable standard of living, no mortgage + release about £200k equity which (on top of a similar amount of savings) gives DH a lot of leeway in terms of retraining, starting a business etc. Basically it opens the possibility of him earning significantly less than he does now without it feeling like a major lifestyle downgrade. We’d need to know what his plan was before any move.

Regarding buying a fixer-upper - both of the houses we have owned have been gutted and refitted managed by DH and he is well above the level of casual competence in DIY. Buying a proper wreck would be a level up but not totally implausible.

I’m far from convinced it’s the right thing for us to do and this thread has made me a lot more cautious about the idea (and is a reminder for me to step away from fantasy house shopping on Rightmove!).

In terms of the DC we’ve got a couple of years pre-secondary to make a decision so don’t need to rush it. The main urgency is that I think DH could be heading towards a breakdown unless he finds a plan B

LifeWobble - I think you could treat this thread as something of a brain storming, where ideas get thrown out and only when all the ideas have been captured do you evaluate.

It sounds as though you have made progress:
You know your husband must change for his own mental health.
He's tried a change of firm, so you know he's in the wrong type of work and it's not just that firm.
He knows he's better than average at DIY so might not be daunted by a fixer-upper. This DIY ability is a strength that he could build upon. Is there scope for him to use this skill in another career?(He might not wish to, he might prefer to keep it as a sort of hobby.)

I would recommend career counselling - it might give him some ideas to pursue -and it would be objective advice from someone who is not bound up with the decision. Just making a plan might help make his current job bearable while he finds something else.

Just one other thought - is there any chance of taking redundancy with a decent pay-off? I have seen this happen to friends and in some cases it was the best thing that happened to them. I would say though that this was the case with people who had clear ideas of what else interested them.

Put in those terms your question doesn't sound as daft as all that.

I think one really useful thing I have taken from this thread is realising the potential, if we did move and it didn’t work out, either me resenting DH for it or (more likely) DH blaming himself for it. I could see the risk that anything that goes wrong (from kids struggling to meet new friends up to us ending up in financial difficulties) ends up being something that DH feels falls in his shoulders.

Life wobble.

I'm glad that you're finding this helpful, and I agree about your worry. In particular that you will both need to significantly support your children emotionally with a really big move, and that you will both need to be on the a game for it.

You can't do that alone. He will need to be well enough to cope.

Is there any chance of a career break for six months or a year so that he can step away and have some heqdspace?

@ChocolateDigestivesMmmm

Can your husband change jobs to something less pressured or go part time, but still in London? It sounds like you have the dream life that many would kill for, you'd be mad to give it up. I don't really get the "escaping the rat race" thing. I live in the kind of location that people come to to supposedly escape the rat race and have a "slower pace of life"...but I don't really get how this is the case. For example I'm run ragged with a demanding full time job, studying and working out how to further my career, toddler, keeping up with friends and family, hobbies etc. The only difference is that I do all that in prettier surroundings and without the crowds and traffic of London. Unless you work very part time or are retired then you're in the rat race wherever you are.

One of my sisters lives in the home counties as she wanted to get out of London. Sure there's fields at the bottom of the garden, but the amount of driving she has to do - 3 kids round schools, music lessons, out of school sports, friends' houses, parties etc is stressful in itself. And the fact that just to get stamps or milk you have to get in the car and drive. She now commutes back to London for work.

That for me is far more stressful than living in London.

People hating their jobs is by no means uncommon. What your DH could do with is help from a career coach working through exactly what the specific problems are with what he does now that makes him unhappy. That will then help him identify whether there is a way to use his current skills and experience in a way that suits him better or if not what would be a decent match. Otherwise he risks replicating the problems on less money.

For example if the root cause is “having to compete with peers in office politics” considering contracting may help where you can be more detached from constantly jostling for position. Or if “leading teams” perhaps there are opportunities to be a technical specialist who doesn’t have to line manage.

OP London is bursting with opportunitiy.
If he’s in a senior role that’s stressful he’s likely to have marketable skills , contacts etc and can get another job with a similar wage.

I did it. I live out in Oxfordshire now.
Great schools and lifestyle.

That said I'm in tech so working remotely has always been acceptable and I can still get into London if I need to.

I grew up in the north, now lived in London suburbs for 21yrs. The cheap house prices is a pull but I’d never go back whilst I have school aged kids. Schools much better, so much to do, the teens in my old town are still loitering and underage drinking. My teens don’t do that

I would suggest thinking about how many years you need to continue to work, could he manage another 8,10 then take a huge pay cut eg work in a meaningful but low paid position enough to cover basics like utilities, you too if you move away? How much longer on your mortgage. I'm a little older and currently we are just working hard so we can quit in 5 years and travel

@gogohm

I would suggest thinking about how many years you need to continue to work, could he manage another 8,10 then take a huge pay cut eg work in a meaningful but low paid position enough to cover basics like utilities, you too if you move away? How much longer on your mortgage. I'm a little older and currently we are just working hard so we can quit in 5 years and travel

I think honestly he’s struggling to think about the next 8-10 weeks, never mind 8-10 years!

8-10 years is far too long to be utterly miserable, especially when we have the financial resources to change things.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/118675199#/?channel=RES_BUY
A real real real doer upper!

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/112838981#/?channel=RES_BUY
Another fixer upper!

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/115175147#/?channel=RES_BUY
And another!

I would see it as an adventure. Go and visit other towns at the weekends.
Look at DH retraining but also.. you’ve said he’s great at construction- could he do that? Once trained the pay is good.
Look at business ideas/franchises
Network/ talk to friends/ use the counselling to focus on what your core beliefs/goals and aims are.
Think about the futureeg jobs in energy conservation are going to be huge before netzer0 in 2050.
If you could design your life what would you do? Think about both the dreamy - snuggling in a cosy cottage and the realistic and the future then work with those to create a blueprint of your future life. London is vibrant and amazing but so many other places have so much to offer as well. Scenery/ nightlife/ social life/ sea/ hiking/ sports/ education etc. Go have fun n with it.

i am not sure if you have said this OP - did your husband once enjoy his job but now he's had enough, or was it something he just did and it was OK but now it's increasingly intolerable?

@Peregrina

i am not sure if you have said this OP - did your husband once enjoy his job but now he's had enough, or was it something he just did and it was OK but now it's increasingly intolerable?

He’s had highs and lows. He does really need some help to get to the root of the problem, because although some of it can be levelled at structural changes in the industry he works in, a lot is also about himself and insecurity, which he needs to work through.

As a PP said “wherever you go, you take yourself with you” so he needs to work on his underlying insecurities.

I do think it’d be really easy for him to fall into thinking that by quitting a six-figure salary he would be a failure. I keep telling him that it’s only because he’s had a six figure salary and sensible saving strategy that we have a fairly decent level of financial security which gives us some choices. That’s hardly failing.

Isn't it quite normal in high pressured/earning roles to burnout. Most people make their money & then get out.

Why do people keep posting shit tips in Stroud?

@TatianaBis

Why do people keep posting shit tips in Stroud?

I’m not sure I’m if I am supposed to be encouraged or dissuaded?

Well quite 😂

The op said she wanted a door upper. I'd recommend Stroud for beautiful surroundings, a lovely market town, good schools and good links to London. Just giving the op some ideas for what she could do if she decided to go for the move!

OP I've been thinking about this thread.

How long have your DH's concerns lasted? My experience with my partner is that work troubles seem to descend and then ebb depending on the personalities involved and the state of his volatile sector. The bad years do always pass. Has this been long term? Or just a matter of months/one year?

Does he take all his annual leave/force himself to achieve work life balance?

Your equity vs mortgage situation currently is actually very enviable. Could he go down to 4 days a week to help him reclaim his life from work?