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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we daft to consider leaving London in these circumstances?

223 replies

LifeWobble · 01/02/2022 22:41

DH and I are mid-40s, have 2 primary aged DC, good jobs, live in a nice London suburb with good schools, all amenities on the doorstep. Lots of green space around by London standards. Live in a small but nice house. Basically we’re happy here.

Except…DH feels like he has come to the end of the road in his current career. It’s making him utterly miserable. He is by some margin the main income earner.

In the back of my mind is a “get out plan” that involves selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the county where we could be mortgage free and not reliant on DH’s income. He could quit his job and take some time out to evaluate what he wants to do with the rest of his career.

My career would be very limited by moving out of London, as I’m in a heavily London-oriented profession. I could probably stay in my current role but move away from London but getting another job in the field that would let me work remotely could be challenging.

AIBU to consider it?

OP posts:
Ariela · 02/02/2022 08:14

I would suggest your DH makes an appointment with a career coach that helps people change industry, might give him some ideas/thoughts on how he changes what he does for a job, and whether he needs to do any studying for qualifications. Once he has a plan you can decide whether to stay or where to go.
Might also be worth you looking at similar as to whether you can adapt your role to another industry elsewhere (or can you remote work for your company?)

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/02/2022 08:15

No woman should sabotage her own career for a man. It may happen all of the time but it's never a good idea.

There are a lot of options before you do something this drastic. You are making it sound like a simple solution but it's not. It will cost more to move than you think, what if he ends up taking a year out (can you afford this), what if he needs to retrain, what if he can't actually get a new job, what if you can't get a remote job or end up with a massive commute? There is a long list of issues that could come up and no guarantee he will feel better for the change.

I'd suggest you stay where you are while he figures things out with a career coach, look what training he can do now, save some money as a buffer etc. Problems move house with you.

MarchCrocus · 02/02/2022 08:16

If you had somewhere and something to move 'to', I'd say go for it. A community, family, an actual plan. As you don't, and the only real issue appears to be DH having had enough of his job, it doesn't sound very sensible.

The obvious option would appear to be staying put and him finding something else to do, since you're evidently not in a position where you need his income to stay at the same level so you can keep a roof over your heads. Clearing a 200k mortgage in 20 years on two jobs even if fairly modestly paid shouldn't be a great challenge.

ManicPixie · 02/02/2022 08:18

@WaterBottle123

He's sounds a bit self-indulgent, wiling to uproot everyone just so he can 're-evaluate'.

Never risk your own career

This OP’s idea, not the husband’s. Not everything is the man’s fault.
Nutsohazelnuts · 02/02/2022 08:19

No woman should sabotage her own career for a man. It may happen all of the time but it's never a good idea.

This is absolutely true and I wish someone had said it to me before I did it.

starfishmummy · 02/02/2022 08:21

I agree with a pp. Your husband needs to "evaluate" his career while he still has his current job.

CatSpeakForDummies · 02/02/2022 08:23

Can your DH drop to 3 days in his current job and take courses/volunteer/do something creative in the other 2 while he finds out what he likes doing?

Echobelly · 02/02/2022 08:24

I think 'reevaluating his career' after you have moved and lost out on your job prospects is a bad idea - he needs in the very least a plan for what he's going to do, and he'll have more options in London - and as PPs have said, it's better to be going towards something specific than away from something.

godmum56 · 02/02/2022 08:26

Londoner born and bred, moved out as soon as we could and never regretted it but do your research....career counselling for both of you and its not enough to say "Out of London" you need to know where roughly and what amenities you want...what the dealbreakers would be and so on...make this your research and planning year. Hopefully the feeling that you are actually doing something to progress the idea will help you both to get through the year.

Notcontent · 02/02/2022 08:26

Yes, you do need a concrete plan. I have similar feelings. Not really enjoying my job and would love to resign and sell my London house to be mortgage free. But I still need a job and I have no idea where I would live so stuck here!

namethattunein1 · 02/02/2022 08:30

@LifeWobble

DH and I are mid-40s, have 2 primary aged DC, good jobs, live in a nice London suburb with good schools, all amenities on the doorstep. Lots of green space around by London standards. Live in a small but nice house. Basically we’re happy here.

Except…DH feels like he has come to the end of the road in his current career. It’s making him utterly miserable. He is by some margin the main income earner.

In the back of my mind is a “get out plan” that involves selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the county where we could be mortgage free and not reliant on DH’s income. He could quit his job and take some time out to evaluate what he wants to do with the rest of his career.

My career would be very limited by moving out of London, as I’m in a heavily London-oriented profession. I could probably stay in my current role but move away from London but getting another job in the field that would let me work remotely could be challenging.

AIBU to consider it?

This is a terrible idea.

Your husband needs to come up with a plan before you sell up.

There aren't many nice parts of the UK where you can live mortgage free, the nice parts of the UK are expensive, us Londoners think we can all sell up and get a big house, its simply not true.

Look at anywhere deemed nice in the UK: Yorkshire, Cotswolds the whole of the South West, none of these places are 'cheap'. Assuming you have a decent amount of equity in your house, I'd property search and see what you're actually getting, it may not be much better than what you have now, without the prospect of London inflation in the property price.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 02/02/2022 08:32

I wouldn’t fancy living in London so I’d be off like a shot

ivykaty44 · 02/02/2022 08:33

Look at places within an hour of where you work if you can do a mixture of wfh & in the workplace

Growbean · 02/02/2022 08:38

I’m not sure that leaving London gives you any of the things you are looking for- it’s screws your career and won’t provide your husband with a bolt-from-the-blue solution. In fact, his career options are more likely to be limited by you living rurally.

Sorry if you’ve already said this but has he seen a careers counsellor at all? I think he needs to think about what it actions that he doesn’t like and what the practical alternatives are.

Add to all this the fact that it’s much easier to get a job when you have a job. In his 40s there’s a real risk that he steps out and can’t step back in again.

Could he possibly take a sabbatical? I can see why you’re keen for him to have space to think but throwing everything- your career and your children’s schools- in the bin to provide him that space is a really bad idea.

mdh2020 · 02/02/2022 08:40

I think you are confusing two issues. The first is to where to live and the second, is what your DH is going to do for the rest of his career. Before you uproot your family and possibly damage your career he needs to sort out what it is he wants to do with the rest of his life.

Calmdown14 · 02/02/2022 08:41

What do you like about London? What don't you like?
Start making lists of pros and cons.
I am a country person despite growing up in a city. I moved way north. Stepping out of the door and seeing the sea makes me happy. I love the great, vast open spaces.
But if these things do not make your heart sing and you love theatres, restaurants and all the other things where choices are more limited then reassess.
Don't fall into the 'it must be London or the middle of nowhere with some romantic ideal. Work it out logically. Look at areas with the right house prices and connections.and then book.weekends away there to see how you feel in the place

Beck30 · 02/02/2022 08:41

Haven't read the whole thread. But surely you move AFTER you have re-evaluated and actually made a decision......not before?

ElftonWednesday · 02/02/2022 08:43

It's certainly something to consider and weigh up all the pros and cons.

trumpisagit · 02/02/2022 08:45

I think you need a "next ten years plan" while you have children living at home.
How small is your house?
Outside London you can get a large (or even huge) house for £500k.
What are your secondary school options like?
We live in a village on the edge of a medium to large city. There is lots of opportunities and interesting things happening, but we have rural views and countryside.
Most importantly for DCs we have good public transport and facilities (park, shop, cafe etc) within walking distance of our house.
I think you need to consider what exactly you are looking for, for your family. It all sounds a bit vague.

SavBbunny · 02/02/2022 08:45

We moved 20 years ago. This is what I learnt :

A 1 hour train commute is enough. Don't forget to factor in tube journeys.

There are few clubs/ events for teenagers if you go rural.

Food is not cheap. Farm fresh is priced the same as Fortnums.

Sporting clubs are not well funded. Lack of female sports and if you don't ride or like dogs it will be harder in the country.

Mum's gate exists just the same. Working mums can be viewed as strange.

High levels of boozing. Divorce is rare and single women even rarer. Divorces come after the uni years in the country. Only two divorces in 20 years within our school gate group. A few more now on the way.

If your DH is in the creative industry or fashion related he will be asked about commitment to his profession at any new interview. These people don't like country hicks.

People? Just the same but with worse clothes.

Crime? Get a big alarm and watch car envy. I am a farmers granddaughter so I take my 4x4 off road, you need mud on your Chelsea Tractor.

The curtain twitches might drive you mad. I moved villages when the date of putting out my pelargoniums was debated (private drive so the nosey feckers must have walked over the garden).

Our DS is in London but is planning his escape already. Home by 32 he reckons.

Good luck.

Tal45 · 02/02/2022 08:47

I lived in London for a couple of years and loathed it so I'd be gone like a shot - but do you love it? If you love it then I think it can be very difficult to find anywhere that can compete.

I think the first thing to do would be to work out what you would want in your next place and look at where you like and might actually get that. You might find that it's really hard to find what you're looking for and decide that you're actually best off where you are and concentrating on getting your mortgage paid off asap.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 02/02/2022 08:48

As someone who has never been to London unless you count Ascot, Esher and Croydon I'd refuse to move out. You sound like you belong there. You have a career there, your kids are settled and you/they have a happy life, lovely home and good standard of living.
He is the problem. He's going to have to work out what He can do to fit in around you (you and them, not just you). He needs to decide what he can do rather than what he won't do for the next 15-20 yrs before he ruins your career, and that is one thing I wouldn't let him do.

billy1966 · 02/02/2022 08:48

@HangoverSquare

I wouldn't do it. Let him evaluate and plan his next step while he's still in well paid employment.
This.

Pulling children out of a happy environment could bring you a world of stress that you can't even imagine.

Rather than trying to fix this for him, what is he suggesting to do to help himself.

Can he move job.

What exactly doesn't he like?
The job, people, environment?

How happy would he be if his children and wife were absolutely miserable?

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 02/02/2022 08:48

Madness.............................. If he isnt happy, then maybe he cuts his days down whilst looking for a new job.

sashagabadon · 02/02/2022 08:51

London is great for teens so for that reason I would stay