Are we daft to consider leaving London in these circumstances?

[LifeWobble]

DH and I are mid-40s, have 2 primary aged DC, good jobs, live in a nice London suburb with good schools, all amenities on the doorstep. Lots of green space around by London standards. Live in a small but nice house. Basically we’re happy here.

Except…DH feels like he has come to the end of the road in his current career. It’s making him utterly miserable. He is by some margin the main income earner.

In the back of my mind is a “get out plan” that involves selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the county where we could be mortgage free and not reliant on DH’s income. He could quit his job and take some time out to evaluate what he wants to do with the rest of his career.

My career would be very limited by moving out of London, as I’m in a heavily London-oriented profession. I could probably stay in my current role but move away from London but getting another job in the field that would let me work remotely could be challenging.

AIBU to consider it?

How long has he felt like this? Was it prepandem or in the last year or so?

I think lots and lots of people are felling fed up and depressed. All the interesting things of life have been removed. The planning nice trips and holidays, making plans to see family and friends and well all the stuff that makes life fun. By now I'd have a couple of holidays in the diary, various nights out and weekends away planned but it all feels difficult to plan in case someone get covid or something has to be cancelled. I just wonder if he may feel less like he hates his job in the future?

Could he drop a day and work 4 days a week? Spend a day doing a course or doing more of what he enjoys which make the other 4 days feel less shit?

@MumofBoys79

That sounds absolutely amazing Blondedoglady!!! Are you originally from that area? Are the local people welcoming?

No, I moved here 9 years ago. I've moved around quite a bit (Midlands, London, the North and then in 2 Scottish towns. It's lovely here. The people are very welcoming. I've never been made to feel out of place (being English in Scotland). It's SO cheap compared to London. You can get a nice house with a sea view for as little at £150k. There are also huge houses with swimming pools at around £800k. Houses to suit every budget. I think people in London don't look elsewhere sometimes, and would be shocked at what lovely places exist and what they house they could be living in, if they would only think about upping and moving.

Probably worth him calling his uni careers service. Ours offers advice for life. My DH did much the same and we have a big cushion but it has been a real shock and I am not sure he would recommend it. We went into it without a solid exit plan. I think going to rather than running from would have made a massive difference. Good luck.

i've seen a lot of families at my DC school do this over the years. they expect a new life for half the price, but that simply isn't the case as a lot of other people have pointed out.

it's just not the case that outside london everything costs less. most things cost the same, council tax, utilities, groceries, childcare all the big expenses remain much the same with a whole lot more inconvenience thrown in. Having to travel for anything and everything (2 cars to run). lots of stuff is more expensive (i'm talking about fairly rural, of course there is something in between that and the city) but the cost of public transport, petrol from the only filling station in town costs more, far fewer activities and opportunities necessitating a journey and a full day out etc etc etc.

and yes, in most desirable areas the cost of housing isn't dramatically different, though the wages are far lower

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/118373207#/?channel=RES_BUY
Fixer upper in a great area with good links to London and good schools!

@BlondeDogLady

Londoners do look elsewhere & consider what they would lose.

5 restaurants, Asda, Subway and Dominos? - just no.

Some people are just city people - I could live in Edinburgh.

Based in the fact that you will have no job/career i wouldn’t do it. Is everything rock solid between you?

Yanbu. Life is just nicer outside London especially for DC. I’m from London and I’m thrilled to have left 😀

My only caveats are:

• make sure you move to somewhere that you can fit in culturally with the locals, ie not Wales, and probably not Scotland (unless Edinburgh). You don’t want DC bullied at school for having the wrong accent.

• Don’t go super-remote. Everyone I know who fled the rat race to Devon, later left Devon and moved to a market town / commuter belt.

• I don’t know what your job is, or it you adore it, or are mildly enjoying it, or what. That is a huge part of the equation here. If you work in the Cabinet Office and are finding it all terribly exciting, don’t leave. If you work in finance/law and could move into many less lucrative but equally interesting jobs outside London, do leave. (Btw if you are public sector, maybe look at moving somewhere rural near Cheltenham and staying in public sector).

Honestly I would go. Staying stuck in one place is almost always a worse choice than trying something new.

Years ago the disparity between London house prices and outside London was huge. All housing is overpriced but it’s caught up a lot especially since the pandemic.

There is a smallish 4 bed house just come up for sale opposite me. It was sold 17 years ago for 103k it is currently on for close to 500k. The kitchen and bathroom haven’t been replaced for years and it looks tired. The house next door to me which is exactly the same as mine sold for 400% more than I bought mine for.

I think the time to be able to make huge financial gains has passed as the rest of the country catches up. I know Scotland and the far North is cheaper but having grown up in the SE and moved North I will warn you the first couple of winters well I had never felt so cold.

So it’s about planning for the next 20 years rather next few months.

I think you need to be quite brutal about those next twenty years.

• You are in your mid-40s, so you are looking at now until roughly retirement age.

• You have two primary school aged children, who will need to go through at least another seven years of education somewhere. In another seven years, you will be in your early 50s.

At present, everything is good apart from your DH's career "end of the road" issue. I would ask him what it is about that "end of the roadness" that bothers him so deeply, because it is possible he could fulfil that lack through another activity. Okay, the common trope is that men take up cycling, but there are other avenues: taking a civic role, for example, is an interesting one. People become magistrates, that sort of thing. Something along those lines could give him the sense of achievement and psychological value and development he no longer receives from work.

Alternatively, you could move out of London. But like another poster said, that will be a significant endeavour at your stage of life because it's not just about finding an area, finding a house, finding new work, selling your own house, but also finding new schools for your children and creating a new lifestyle within the new area that works for everyone. That will take time, and will inevitably be a source of stress.

I know people that have done it (I did it myself), but they almost always have been returning to their home town from a twenty/thirty-something London life, so the unknown unknowns are as much of an issue. They know what they are getting into.

So the question is: will the combined stress and risk of moving out of London within the next, say, five years for everyone in the family, including your DH, be less than your DH's stress in his "end of the road" predicament in London at present?

Uprooting your lives with no plan because of your DH’s midlife crisis sounds like madness to me. In your shoes I would want my DH to do his thinking now, whilst gainfully employed, and secure whatever role it is he decides he wants first - then move.

@MrsWinters

He can’t stay in a job he doesn’t like and see a future in to subsidise you and the family, it’s not fair. But he does need to decide what he wants to do first.

Eh? The OP has a career of her own. I didn't get the impression that her husband was 'subsidising' her.

I should add, I see that he is the main earner. I still think subsidising is an incorrect description.

I'd talk and research lots. In particular (from your POV) looking into your career options outside of London - talk to some recruitment consultants about how easy it is to get remote working jobs in your area. If you are going to leave, I'd do it while your DC are still primary age as they'll be more resistant/it'll be harder once they're more independent/secondary age.

Talking of buying a fixer upper, does he have the skills required to do this?

It would be my idea of hell, living in a fixer upper, although I know some would love it.

What if you move and country life isn't what you hoped for, your husband can't find a job that pays enough, neither can you, and your children don't settle in school and miss their friends?

Don't give up your job. At least live somewhere in commuter distance so you and your children aren't isolated. I know leaving London is your idea, but it seems such a huge gamble.

I've lived in several countries, but I always had at least a job before going and had done research on locations.

If you feel determined to do this, at least keep your home and let it, rent somewhere else and try it. I dont see why your DH has to be away from work to "re evaluate" things though. Does he really want to be a stay at home Dad instead? Is that his real idea?

£200 k is a pretty small mortgage these days OP. I think you might be surprised at how much places you actually both like are these days. I took a look at a few places I liked and was quite shocked— £100k buffer will not last that long if neither of you have well paid jobs to go to- even if mortgage free. It’s a big risk and hate to say it but many marriages go wrong in circumstances exactly as you are saying— one starts to resent the other. If you were just transferring locations and both still in same jobs and able to WFH, I would still advise you to rent for a year before selling up— . The problem is its not as if your H just needs ‘a bit of a job’ if you were still in same job— retraining completely is a totally different thing with a family to consider— every job has upsides and downsides. If he is just a bit burnt out I would say is it something he could take a month off on- or move to 3 days on? Or maybe ‘consult’ on as a self employed person (as your time is more your own) ! Is it the job per se, the company or horrible bosses that are making him feel as it is. Someone once advised me, wherever you go, you take ‘you’ with you. You may get rid of a mortgage but end up with another boatload of issues.

This narrative that london is amazing for teens in particular is bonkers, really depends on what kind of person you are, plenty of kids grow up in other areas and have amazing child hoods/ teen years

This narrative that london is amazing for teens in particular is bonkers

Why?

I don't know about London, but in places outside major cities, the lack of transport makes life quite restricted for younger teenagers. You will end up doing a lot of taxiing around until they are old enough to learn to drive.

Lots to consider here. Do you have an area in mind?

You like your job, your house, your kids are happy, you have good schools nearby why would you move? You don't even have an area in mind much less a job option for your DH. Anyone can live anywhere in theory, but when you drill down the fact is you need to live where the work is (unless you are independently wealthy) and - if you have children - where there are good schools. There's no reason why your DH can't look for a new job, or think of taking a sabbatical or whatever within striking distance of where you live at the moment. You don't say what he does, but I'm willing to bet there are more opportunities in London than anywhere else. If he gets a great new job offer in the North or Wales or the South West or wherever only then would I think about moving (and checking out the opportunities for a job move for you at the same time). Don't just up sticks on a whim and chuck the baby out with the bath water - you'll just be exchanging one problem for another.

Can your husband change jobs to something less pressured or go part time, but still in London? It sounds like you have the dream life that many would kill for, you'd be mad to give it up.
I don't really get the "escaping the rat race" thing. I live in the kind of location that people come to to supposedly escape the rat race and have a "slower pace of life"...but I don't really get how this is the case. For example I'm run ragged with a demanding full time job, studying and working out how to further my career, toddler, keeping up with friends and family, hobbies etc. The only difference is that I do all that in prettier surroundings and without the crowds and traffic of London. Unless you work very part time or are retired then you're in the rat race wherever you are.

Suggest your DH invests in some sessions with an executive coach to really help him work through what he isn't enjoying about his current job, what are the things he could do instead and what his gaps are in terms of training, experience and qualifications to do that new thing. Then come up with a plan to close any gaps / move on with his career.

You're right that it's miserable to stick to a career he loves but it's also miserable to be bored and adrift for the rest of his working life.