Are we daft to consider leaving London in these circumstances?

[LifeWobble]

DH and I are mid-40s, have 2 primary aged DC, good jobs, live in a nice London suburb with good schools, all amenities on the doorstep. Lots of green space around by London standards. Live in a small but nice house. Basically we’re happy here.

Except…DH feels like he has come to the end of the road in his current career. It’s making him utterly miserable. He is by some margin the main income earner.

In the back of my mind is a “get out plan” that involves selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the county where we could be mortgage free and not reliant on DH’s income. He could quit his job and take some time out to evaluate what he wants to do with the rest of his career.

My career would be very limited by moving out of London, as I’m in a heavily London-oriented profession. I could probably stay in my current role but move away from London but getting another job in the field that would let me work remotely could be challenging.

AIBU to consider it?

quality of life is most important imo not bank balance and income.

If your husband is struggling do you fear he could have a breakdown?
Look at various areas see what the job market, house market, area and schools are like.
Compare like for like. WHat would you need to earn to have a nice home and a good quality of life.

This is very personal to your family but to me I would not want to be in London and have such a large sum to start over with would be an easy choice

@Jane1978xx

I have a totally different take to most people. Money and living in London aren’t the most important things. It’s your and your families happiness. Even if you do one career if you are good you can transfer skills to another job you can do from home or locally.

People see living in London as some kind of prize but it’s really not. Living in a small village or town is just as good and there is low crime and pollution. Schools outside London are just as good and with money saved on housing you can afford private ones.

The replies in this really do read like London is the elite and anywhere else is a total downgrade

Living in a small town is not ‘just as good’ in terms of museums, galleries, theatres, ballet, opera, concerts, lectures, food - both shops and restaurants, shopping generally, local, National and international transport, a vibrant multiculture with pretty much every single country and race in the world represented here somewhere.

People who are happy in small towns and villages eating cheddar cheese and talking mostly white people just don’t get it at all.

That said, there can be great benefits to moving out if you’re looking for clean air in a beautiful place and an outdoors life. However you do need to have work. Posters aren’t dissuading OP because they rate London but because she would be leaving any visible means of income.

If she had her DH both had jobs that could relocate easily I’d say go for it.

What you are possibly doing right now is avoiding the real issue with a big exciting distraction.

You don’t even realise that you are just kicking the can down the road.

If you take this route you have literally the next 3 years wiped out with researching a new area, schools and house hunting. Putting yours in the market. Selling up and moving. Renovating. Settling in socially. It’s a huge financial risk and emotionally disruption for everyone - with only hope that it will feel better.

But even if it does - you are still where you are today with a DH without a career - possibly even more depressed and disconnected.

Where ever you go - there you are.

He needs to sort his MH first - then his career and where / how you want to live will become clear.

You both need a more worked through plan before you move, I'm not sure if you're suggesting going before you have done that. I expect although DH's career isn't what he wants to do forever, that he'll want to still work so he needs to think about options and investigate them. The grass may look greener, but for example, moving to a less well paid role doesn't always equal less stress and hours. I have found a higher paid and more stressful job gives me more flexibility as the seniority means I'm more in control of my time. You also need a plan, don't just throw your career away, really look into the options of remote working and potential other careers before you take the plunge. It's a great idea, and I think you can make it work with a bit more planning first.

@BlondeDogLady

I used to live in London. In my opinion, people don't realise how ripped off they are with regards to property!

I'm now in a very pretty seaside town, just 15 minutes from Edinburgh (on the train). So, we have all the benefits of being close to a Capital City and all that offers, and our own little town also has 2 fantastic primary schools, a very good High School, 5 "posh" restaurants, every take away you could imagine, Asda, Aldi, Dominos, Subway, 5 gorgeous sandy beaches....our house is right on the seafront, with amazing views of the Forth Rail Bridge and the sea. It has 5 bedrooms. It is worth about £250k here - in London it would be about worth a few million!

There is no way I would go back to London.

If you think Londoners aren’t painfully aware of how ludicrously expensive property prices in the city are then you’ve never spoken to one.

All jobs you can think of are available up and down the country. Though I'm fully remote now by choice but I enjoy the city a lot via theatre involvement and education stuff for my daughter.

No, they are not. My firm moved from the South East, easily commutable to London, to a place two and a half hours by fast train. For the 'trailing spouses', who tended to be women, the sort of high powered jobs - like Executive Secretaries, paying then £40K p.a. didn't exist. The jobs on offer were routine Admin ones paying £15K p.a. Even teaching, civil service etc. didn't have the vacancies that the London offices had.

I can sympathise with your DH for being in a job which is getting him down, been there myself, and it may well mean that he can't think straight. But there could be options like the same job with a different firm, or if that's not possible, a sideways move in his current firm to different work.

And to echo others. Moving and stopping work is not necessarily going to solve his problems.

It may make them worse.

Being somewhere where he knows no one, worried about money and dealing with emotional disruption for the children.

He can’t stay in a job he doesn’t like and see a future in to subsidise you and the family, it’s not fair. But he does need to decide what he wants to do first.

People who are happy in small towns and villages eating cheddar cheese and talking mostly white people just don’t get it at all

I have never seen such an elitist comment in my entire life ! Actually I walk down the road and buy fresh homemade cheese from a local farmer. Then I volunteer to help local refugees from a number of counties.

@Jane1978xx

I have a totally different take to most people. Money and living in London aren’t the most important things. It’s your and your families happiness. Even if you do one career if you are good you can transfer skills to another job you can do from home or locally.

People see living in London as some kind of prize but it’s really not. Living in a small village or town is just as good and there is low crime and pollution. Schools outside London are just as good and with money saved on housing you can afford private ones.

The replies in this really do read like London is the elite and anywhere else is a total downgrade

I think it can absolutely be right but it needs to be planned for properly and the op will need to think about income

@MarshaBradyo. Yes agree it needs to be planned and a job or funds in place. I just don’t think it should be dismissed as people seem to view places outside of London as a bleak wilderness.

I've chopped and changed a lot of times over time. The most effective way to facilitate change I've found is to do it in incremental steps rather than in massive sweeps.

I'm assuming your DH is burnt out in his current career? If so, could he take a step back into a role with less responsibility? If not, could he leave his job and find something much easier but keep the money flowing? A job that will free him up mentally like a postie or working at the garden centre.

It's very tempting to think you want to jack in a full time demanding role to take some time out and 'find yourself'. The reality is, you can rapidly lose focus and direction. Answers about life purpose generally don't appear when you are sitting at home on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer.

My DH was in a similar situation a few years back. He was very fed up in his role and 'stuck'. He hadn't had a payrise in years. After quite a bit of soul searching, he decided he didn't want to leave his industry but move in a new direction that excited him and was better paid with more opportunities. He handed in his notice, took almost a year off and studied for a couple of qualifications. Life isn't exactly perfect but it was probably the best thing he ever did.

Agree with @Peregrina that ‘London’ jobs are not available everywhere. I had a mid-grade civil service job in London, with plenty of prospects for promotion or job change. That kind of environment really does NOT exist elsewhere.

In my provincial situation now I am earning the kind of salary I was on in London 15 years ago, and that’s reasonably well-paid for here and has taken me years to work towards. I just wish I had researched properly before I dug myself into such a hole.

And all those just saying ‘Oh I hate London’ - not sure why you would post something that banal and unhelpful. The OP is happy and settled there and that is worth a LOT.

You have quite a low mortgage. Can you extend the term and then even if he switches to a lower paying job you should be able to afford the mortgage? Or you both save up until you have a year of living expenses and he becomes a sahd whilst you further your career.

I would never risk my own career, and the stability of my children, because my partner was unhappy in work.

There are a lot of other solutions that don't involve the whole family giving things up with no guarantee of success.

Also, if you love London then there are few comparable places. The comparable places are also expensive and getting more so, so a better and mortgage-free house probably won't happen.

Your DH needs to have some idea what he would like to do.Perhaps he wants to train in a skill ie boat builder or run a micro brewery.There are plenty of courses you could look at now .Try a few different things.Many people give up original careers the South West is full of such people running small holdings ,green issues.A great chance to try a new way of life.but you need to look carefully including schools.Spend days away looking at areas,good luck.

My only reservation would be if my other half was having a life wobble. It’s really difficult supporting an OH with issues without the stress of managing a big family move alone as well. He could explore his issues first, or if you both want to make a move, you could make a closer suburban move so you still keep familiar networks accessible, or move out of the city but near to where friends or family live, or only move to where you’ll have very direct transport links to see them easily.

All jobs you can think of are available up and down the country

No? They categorically are not and this sort of statement is really dangerous advice. Part of my recent experience is in recruitment, and there certainly are nationwide ‘hubs’ outside of London.
But the same roles are categorically not available everywhere. And most companies are still not offering fully remote contracts for certain roles, as they are preferring to keep the option open to state that employees need to return to a certain location.

If you have very in demand skill sets where there is an acute talent shortage (data scientist), then yes, you could very easily move to the coast and demand a fully remote contract without taking a hit on monies. Those sorts of roles are where you can be ballsy about knowing you can set your terms and companies will pay are very specific.

I’m not saying London is the be all and end all, far from. But people need to take time to research their market, the jobs, salaries, before making sweeping statements. Or at least speak to recruiters who know what is happening in the current job market.

I've been your husband here. I was very happy in London until I had a baby and then I hated it. I was very unhappy, and started to hate my (very lucrative) job. So we upped sticks and moved to Ireland! It took me a while to find another job as all the jobs I could do were in Dublin, and we weren't, but it all worked out and we were very happy there for about ten years. Then the recession hit and my husband lost his job and was very miserable. So we took another gamble and moved to Oz.! Best thing we ever did, we have never been happier. But it doesn't work out for everyone, and if you are happy where you are then the risk/reward thing isn't quite so clear. Sometimes change is wonderful though, and London, fabulous as it is, isn't the only place in the world.

@Jane1978xx

I have a totally different take to most people. Money and living in London aren’t the most important things. It’s your and your families happiness. Even if you do one career if you are good you can transfer skills to another job you can do from home or locally.

People see living in London as some kind of prize but it’s really not. Living in a small village or town is just as good and there is low crime and pollution. Schools outside London are just as good and with money saved on housing you can afford private ones.

The replies in this really do read like London is the elite and anywhere else is a total downgrade

I don’t think this a fair comment at all. No one has suggested that leaving London is a downgrade, only that it doesn’t sound like a practical plan for helping OP’s partner change his career. If OP had said she actually wanted to leave, she’d have received very different replies.

You say DH feels like he has come to the end of the road in his current career. Does that just mean he has plateaued? It happens to a lot of people in their 40s when they realise that they are not going to get the next rung of their career. Acceptance can be difficult. The thing is that every career has difficult and/or boring bits. If he didn't have you to pick up the slack what would DH do? He might be gritting his teeth and getting on with it.

I think he needs to make a plan. I don't think you are going to like living in the country - presumably you've never lived there. The idea of him renovating a house while working out his next career move while jobless doesn't have a lot to recommend it.

I think you should keep your career. You only have to read the stories on here about women with no or low paid jobs left in very difficult situations when their husbands start saying things like they love them but they're not in love with them. Your husband's very predictable mid-life crisis could involve a questioning of your relationship. You definitely do not want him taking on the SAHD role - if you split up he could go for custody and you would end up paying him maintenance. Also, it would be very difficult to get permission to move back with the children if he likes the country life and wants to stay there.

As for the project house, has he ever done anything like that before? He will have no contacts in a country area and will be trying to project manage tradesmen who are in short supply. It will also cost far more than you think. You will also be living in the middle of a building site for perhaps years. It is very difficult to sell a half-finished house. If he finds his current job stressful then I think he will be even more stressed when he's trying to get the roof on.

More to the point does your husband want to move to the country? Or renovate a "project" house?

It’s a difficult one. You only have one life so should be happy but then it sounds like you are apart from DH’s career (and what would the impact be upon the kids if you moved to the sticks etc)?

If I were you, I would probably try to make it work in London first as it’s too much of an unknown rather than you both having a concrete dream somewhere else with it all planned out. Just don’t do anything on a whim!

What exactly in his current career makes him think he's come to the end of the road? Is it the management, doing the same sort of tasks over again, or customer facing and finding he is absolutely fed up with some of the customers?

The replies in this really do read like London is the elite and anywhere else is a total downgrade

Totally disagree with this.

I personally WOULDN'T want to live in London, but I can absoluetely understand why it would be a culture shock to move from London to somewhere else in the Uk and why that might suit everyone.

Where I live, I can do virtually everything you could do in London fairly easily - but you need a car to do it. And there are things you can't do - there isn't the same range of museums and theatres. There are some excellent ones in the North, but they aren't the National History Museum or the British Musuem for example. However, I wouldn't go to them daily, so an occasional trip to London works.

In terms of career opportunities, I do think its getting better outside London, but I do think there are still more opportunities in London, though that comes at a financial cost. And it really depends on what you want to do.

The culture of living in a small village in North Wales is a world away from London. Some people thrive on it. Others would hate it. And there's nothing worse than a whinging London who thinks that life out in the sticks should still mean 24/7 delivery of every type of food you can think of (or similar unrealistic expectations). I'd rather that those moving out of the Big Smoke really thought about what they were doing before they drove up the price of houses for locals before changing their minds tbh.

Exactly, it's not about what we specifically think of London. It's how OP feels about it. There's not a chance in hell I'd live there, nor do I regard it as any kind of prize. But what OP and DH do have, ie a nice house with manageable costs, an area they like, happy DC and one person who likes their job actually is a prize. That would be equally true wherever they lived.

The problem in this setup doesn't appear to be the location, it's the DHs job. Which is almost certainly going to be easier to fix than executing OPs very vague get out plan will be. There's just no need to throw away everything else for a pipe dream because one person isn't happy at work.