Are we daft to consider leaving London in these circumstances?

[LifeWobble]

DH and I are mid-40s, have 2 primary aged DC, good jobs, live in a nice London suburb with good schools, all amenities on the doorstep. Lots of green space around by London standards. Live in a small but nice house. Basically we’re happy here.

Except…DH feels like he has come to the end of the road in his current career. It’s making him utterly miserable. He is by some margin the main income earner.

In the back of my mind is a “get out plan” that involves selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the county where we could be mortgage free and not reliant on DH’s income. He could quit his job and take some time out to evaluate what he wants to do with the rest of his career.

My career would be very limited by moving out of London, as I’m in a heavily London-oriented profession. I could probably stay in my current role but move away from London but getting another job in the field that would let me work remotely could be challenging.

AIBU to consider it?

If money is not an issue, I would (as your DH), get a life/ exec coach and work through what it is I dislike about my job. Why I’m so dissatisfied. What it is I am looking for. Career options that available to me without too much training. Career options that are available to me with training. And how much of that training I can do within my existing job. Then I start to investigate where those jobs are available etc.

About 10 years ago, I had the exact same issue. I knew I didn’t want to stay in the industry I was in. I trained myself up whilst in that job (at my own expense), and then made the move to a totally new industry. It was a huge step down initially in seniority / salary etc but within 3-4 years I had overtaken previous salary. I planned that move for about 18 months before actually doing it.

I would not have landed the job in the new place had I not been in London. That’s where the job was based.

In your shoes I would not be giving up a career/ income of my own either. Look at the amount of threads on mnet where a woman has done exactly this, years later to be screwed over in one way or another.

I think it would be madness to consider leaving London in the circumstances you describe.

Your have a good home, excellent schools, settled DC, your own career. I can imagine looking forward that the opportunities for your DC staying in London will be huge for their own careers.

Your DH needs to find another job. I don't think moving is the answer here.

Sounds incredibly selfish for you kids assuming they are settled.

Even if you’re mortgage free there’s still
A lot of bills/savings to think of. Far too risky and short sighted.

How would you pick where to move when your choices are “anywhere” and job options are “anything”? My OH has left his job to find himself, ten months on still isn’t earning, thank god we aren’t also dealing with having no network around us, kids unhappy in school etc. doing it your way round seems like a massive distraction - not really going towards something positively. I’d say renting out your house and travelling the world would be less risky than what you’re suggesting.

I would counsel strongly against moving, at least without knowing exactly what kind of jobs market/culture you would be going to.

Think really clearly about the implications for your own career. I moved with my now-husband to a large Midland city, for his job. Everything is very different to London and I didn’t factor that in. It was a shock.

I haven’t been able to find a job in my area, and have been stuck in standard admin jobs for years now, such that I can’t get back into my real field again. I feel increasingly demoralised by this and it hasn’t helped our relationship!

If your husband wants to change careers, surely access to London is a huge advantage for almost anything?

600k on a house will get you a mediocre 4 bed (at best) anywhere within London commute/visit distance.

As our kids get older (they are mid primary) i think more about moving to a city rather than from!

There are many more ways to skin this cat.

The main issue is your DH emotional well-being / MH / career change.

Separate out these two things.

What was his childhood like? Does he have any unresolved issues that could sub consciously be eroding his MH. Can he look at counselling for this? This could give him the emotional shift / uplift for some clarity and drive.

Once his head is straight can he invest in quality career counselling. Even just knowing that he is on an exploratory journey, not clear of the destination but that within 12 months he will have a goal and plan.

Also your current £200k mortgage is really not the ball and chain you believe it to be. Or the pass to financial freedom.

You could remortgage to extend the term to the max or switch to interest only to minimise your payments which if you were able to pull in costs elsewhere might be able to give you a window for him to retrain etc.

Your mortgage is only a fraction of your outgoings. I also think the renovation idea is crazy.

You could rent your current house out and rent somewhere else as a “try before you buy” and ask his work for a sabbatical and school to hang on to your DCs places for a year (if that’s possible)

What career/field is he in and does he want to adapt this (part time, freelance, different firm) or take another role or train in the same field - or do something totally different?

What is it about his career that’s so difficult for him now ?

Just think of all the amount of free museums in London you don’t find those in rural areas, when there are no things like that every family outing will be expensive, I simply can’t go out on my own with DS in a rainy day without spending over £60.
Houses may be cheaper but teenagers will need cars or a taxi driver. There are no good schools in cheaper areas, if there were the area won’t be cheap. And don’t forget, many rural communities are so tight knit they don’t easily welcome outsiders, so it may end up not being a nice experience for any of you.

How much experience do you both have of significant renovations? Unless you have done it before you will underestimate cost, effort and stress by quite some margin. Skilled trades are skilled for a reason.

Also don't leave yourself without work opportunities. You never know what the future holds.

If you can over pay on the mortgage do so, reduce your outgoings and plan for one or both of you to retrain over the next decade to increase the options available to you for the following decades.

I live up north in an area with good schools so pretty desirable. 500k would not get you the type of house you are probably thinking about.

Going against the grain here, but a big move away from London did work brilliantly for us (though we had an international move in between). We were in your position with young children and felt we need to bite the bullet before they were in secondary when school and being settled REALLY matters. Personally, I also think it also depends upon the suburbs…we swapped a boring part of South London suburbia to move much further out on a HS1 link and we have a shorter commute coupled with a far better quality of life for us all, no mortgage and a beautiful property with land in a stunning area. So it can work. Maybe join Life After London on FB. It’s a really useful group for help and advice on exactly these sorts of issues from people who are going through/have been through it. Good luck! It’s not an easy decision, but for us it was totally worth it. Life is too short not to follow you heart…

The jobs where you move to is a real aspect. I live in the sort of lovely rural area you might have romantic fantasies about. Your budget would buy you a fabulous house with a couple of acres & an annexe to rent out on Airbnb. It would be beautiful. There are no jobs, & no retraining options.

@WaterBottle123

He's sounds a bit self-indulgent, wiling to uproot everyone just so he can 're-evaluate'.

Never risk your own career

Or your children's happiness.

Definitely wait until he knows what we actually wants to do. It might enable you to stay in London, you never know.

Starting from scratch is hard, especially if you had it really good where you lived previously, and have no particular connections to the new place. A lot of people leave London or city life to be nearer family/a support network. If you are just moving for the sake of a lower mortgage you might really regret it in the longterm. And I'm speaking from the experience of someone who had made the knee jerk decision to leave London during the pandemic!

We moved for a new job/career for DH. I wish we hadn't, he is miserable in his new job, but loves where we live, I don't. We tried a relocation, I loved it, but couldn't stay as DH couldn't settle, so we are back living in the first relocation that DH loves. I have no job, we've been here a long while now, can't move because DD is at a bad age educationally. The secondary schools turned out to be rubbish and DD has issues with hers.

I would say don't move and uproot yourselves from somewhere you and the kids are happy, there's no guarantee of DH being happy in a new career. Stay and research new avenues for him. If you absolutley must move, then get a career in place first, don't move for thinking space.

Grandma's cat, having lived in both City and rural, city dwellers aren't constantly taking advantage of free museums, and rural/seaside offers plenty of free activities that cities don't. Teenagers don't have to live in cities to have a good life

The big cost is the mortgage. Do you have enough in savings to reduce that cost or remortgage to a longer deal so your costs would go down enough to enable your DH to take a lower paid/more interesting job? It sounds like the only reason you want to move is financial. If you have such a good set up now, and you’re otherwise happy where you are I’d put effort into staying. In lots of major cities £500k won’t actually get you an amazing house and you’d have to take risks with schools, etc. I’d see a financial advisor to talk through your options. You might have more options than you think.

I'm going to be a bit bleaker

Man wanting to opt out of responsibilities, fed up of the drudgery that comes with work and children.

You all move for the rural dream but the responsibility and drudgery are still there (in fact more so because now finances are tigher)

So man looks elsewhere for a break from the drudgery and you are then stuck in the middle of no where with no career, no public transport and trapped in an area where you have no friends or connections.

Does your dh want to do this or is it more you thinking about it?

Just think of all the amount of free museums in London you don’t find those in rural areas, when there are no things like that every family outing will be expensive, I simply can’t go out on my own with DS in a rainy day without spending over £60.
Houses may be cheaper but teenagers will need cars or a taxi driver. There are no good schools in cheaper areas, if there were the area won’t be cheap. And don’t forget, many rural communities are so tight knit they don’t easily welcome outsiders, so it may end up not being a nice experience for any of you.

God, all of this and I don't even like London. Outings with DD are outdoor walking/biking (she's not keen on either), we go for a coffee a lot , outdoor activities are the £100 a day type or spending a fortune travelling. It's beautiful when it doesn't rain, but it rains a lot. Oh and our house turned out not to be cheaper.

[quote LifeWobble]@minipie - yes you’re right we wouldn’t move on a whim without some kind of a plan - it’s more of a escape the rat race” thing. I could imagine us moving to a ‘project’ house and DH taking a year out to fix it up before embarking on another quite different career to what he currently does.[/quote]
Your dh needs to decide what that totally different career might be before you move.
Imagine a year doing up a house settling the kids then find you’re in the wrong place for his new career and need to move again!!

Teenagers are expensive. Will your new lifestyle be able to support you all for the next 10 years - plus uni costs etc?

I wouldn’t give up my job to move out of London. Surely your husband can find a job he prefers in London?! The market is good right now for job hunters. If you’re all happy with the exception of your husband and his job, he needs to look for advice and roles he would prefer.

We moved from a city (not London) to a market town outside of London and I really don’t like it. But we moved for family support as we have children with Sen. There’s not loads for the kids to do and I find it quite boring here.

I’m struggling to think of any job, other than NHS/fire service/teaching/politics, where it’s not possible to try a fresh start with a different employer or with a sideways step into a slightly different role or same role in a different sector.

If it was one of many reasons to move, fine. But not for that as the sole reason.

Someone so depressed about work is likely to be depressed in any job.