Are we daft to consider leaving London in these circumstances?

[LifeWobble]

DH and I are mid-40s, have 2 primary aged DC, good jobs, live in a nice London suburb with good schools, all amenities on the doorstep. Lots of green space around by London standards. Live in a small but nice house. Basically we’re happy here.

Except…DH feels like he has come to the end of the road in his current career. It’s making him utterly miserable. He is by some margin the main income earner.

In the back of my mind is a “get out plan” that involves selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the county where we could be mortgage free and not reliant on DH’s income. He could quit his job and take some time out to evaluate what he wants to do with the rest of his career.

My career would be very limited by moving out of London, as I’m in a heavily London-oriented profession. I could probably stay in my current role but move away from London but getting another job in the field that would let me work remotely could be challenging.

AIBU to consider it?

I would have a look for possible properties near good schools first to see how feasible it seems, I am in a cheap area of the country but prices have jumped since covid. And doer uppers are v thin on the ground nowadays - plus shortage of building products, plumbing goods, tradesmen are all rushed off their feet.

I live in a similar sounding area to you (house is worth about the same, zone 3) and I’ve watched a fair few people do what you’re describing. The reasons given vary; they want a bigger house, they worry about secondary schools, they want more garden etc, but I rarely get the sense that it’s just that. They seem dissatisfied about something, they own good homes in a great city which has some of the best state schools and transport links in the country, but it’s not enough. I don’t think they truly want to start again somewhere random, but there’s a feeling of needing to be changing things.
Does your husband actually know what he wants to do? Because I’d not be giving up everything you describe without a decent plan.

We were in a similar position a few years ago, though didn’t own a house in London as we couldn’t afford it. We decided to move to another city that I had some links to - no family nearby though.

It was the best thing we could have done as a family, but there were a few things that made it a success:

• I was able to transfer my job to one of our other offices. This was massive, as it meant we were confident in my income and it gave me the reassurance that, whatever happened, I had my career security.
• DH took a bit of time out to focus on what he really wanted to do; but he took on more childcare responsibilities and picked up a p/t delivery job. I honestly think the p/t job was essential as it meant he stayed in the habit of working, and having a bit of independent income, and he didn’t end up drifting indefinitely, which would have caused resentment from me.
• we didn’t buy a project house! We were so so tempted, but it would have added yet another unknown factor and I’m glad we didn’t. It would also have been another distraction from DH working out what he wanted to do.

I suppose I’d caution not throwing too many things up in the air - it definitely can work, but you need a level of certainty to make a really good go of it.

@BiscuitLover3678

Look somewhere commutable to London so you could still work, even if you only go in once a week (can you do that?) you won’t be mortgage free but you can get somewhere nicer. I don’t regret leaving London. It’s nice to be close though especially for work.

That’d be a bit of a “worst of both worlds” scenario for me where we are giving up our settled London life only to be in the same financial position. .

No. He can change jobs while you are in London. Seems very extreme to move when, other than his work, you are happy and settled.
You'd be uprouting the kids from school and friends, leaving your job (and friends), leaving a great neighbourhood- for what? Who's to say he'll like his next job?
If suggest he stick it out until you have something me savings to survive on and while he explores other careers/jobs. As the main earner, he shouldn't just leave work without another to go to, or at least a set plan with a timeline.
So many leave London because they think the grass is greener, only to find it's a heck of a lot more inconvenient, less opportunities, no friends or support network etc. and once out with a income drop it's very hard to get back in.
Plus as said up thread, property may be cheaper, but other things are more: transport, car reliance (petrol) and so on. To find what you have now will be very tough, and without and definite plan you may find yourself moving again soon.

@Wilkolampshade

We left in similar circumstances, bought a beautiful, money pit of a project house, DH (the better paid) unable to find anywhere near equivalent work so 'commuted' on a weekly basis for a decade. Schools frankly awful, and so little choice, whole thing a massive mistake. Only able to move back because of a large inheritance. I would strongly advise against.

This is my fear! And it would be a one way street, chances of moving back would be slim.

In all honestly I'd continue to support your husband getting professional help. Moving will bring new challenges and stress.
Deal with the core first

I wouldn't do it without him working out a proper plan that takes your and DC needs into consideration - getting a career coach can help with this.

He's sounds a bit self-indulgent, wiling to uproot everyone just so he can 're-evaluate'.

Never risk your own career

Apart from the freedom of being mortgage free this doesn't sound like a good solution. Imagine all the mental health implications. Suddenly you're somewhere where you don't know anyone, kids don't have good friendship networks, you're struggling to pull your career back together and DH is having a reevaluation time which might not actually bring any solutions - you possible end up resenting his lack of decisiveness on it. Maybe he finds that leaving the job doesn't solve his issues anyway and becomes depressed abs neither of you have any friends to lean on.
It's always better to reevaluate from a position of financial and income stability - which actually you are more in if you stay as neither of you will suddenly lose your income streams.
Can't he go PT to retrain or look at moving sideways into something more suitable for him?

I’m sorry, I know my view is tainted by the endless threads I’ve read on here over the years where the OP indulged her husband in “finding himself” amidst vague promises of him getting another job, only for him to promptly turn into a feckless cocklodger happy for her to burn herself out earning the money and somehow still doing everything else in the house/with the kids for months/years on end, but I think this is a bonkers plan.

If your husband is unhappy in his career he needs to figure out what he wants to do while he’s still in his current job. Presumably there’s nothing stopping him looking for a life / career coach right now?

Don't sacrifice your own career. He needs to either think about what he wants to do next while in work, or take something less stressful while he decides, reduce his hours etc. You can't be what gives here.

It seems to me that you and DC's are making all of the sacrifices here, including you exploring options, due to your DH's dilemma. For that reason I would say no. I would expect my DH to explore all avenues to address his problem first.

Why can he not look at other options while living in London, what choices has he already explored and considered? Find another job, retrain, use savings to see you through any crisis. Is he ill, could he have treatment?

@LifeWobble why would that be so bad? You wouldn’t have to leave your job but you would be able to buy the same size house for less or a nicer property. Or some other town. You just need work opportunities.
What price is your house?

Do not do this. You are dicing with your career and marriage.

@WaterBottle123

He's sounds a bit self-indulgent, wiling to uproot everyone just so he can 're-evaluate'.

Never risk your own career

This is very much my self-indulgent fantasy, not his!

@Pahahahahahahahee

In all honestly I'd continue to support your husband getting professional help. Moving will bring new challenges and stress. Deal with the core first

Oh, this yes, I hate to use the 'my friend' example, but she did uproot her family and her DH still wasn't happy, she came back, without him, but we live in an area where she could afford to, albeit to a smaller home.

It’s really difficult to create a support network somewhere new especially where you don’t have family to rely on. This especially for men who I think don’t find it easy to make friends unless they are particularly proactive. I’d consider this a big drawback to going somewhere entirely new

If you were struggling in London to give your kids a decent life I'd say go for it. However it sounds like you have nice house/school/job etc.
I love living in my small town but I'm aware of the lack of opportunities here for kids compared to London. Not to mention that if they themselves want to work in London having just done uni they can live at home.
My career is ideally placed in London and there were internships around that I couldn't apply for because I couldn't afford to live in London on a free internship. So it's not just about now.
Try and figure it out from your current base first would be my advice.

I only read your first post but my advice is DONT DO IT.

It is not all about him, you are happy there, you love your job. Throwing both jobs away for him to find a job he enjoys more (if he does) is nice for him but what about you?

We moved from a place we love so my ex could follow his dreams. We thought my career would travel as it was in high demand, but there was no demand for it in the place we moved to unless I was prepared to spend 4 hrs a day commuting. He found what he loved, we got a lovely house and we are now divorced, there was simply nothing interesting for me to do so we grown apart. He became a high flyer, I became a housewife. Worst thing about it is that with having a child, I couldn’t move back or somewhere better even after we divorced as I didn’t have permission to move my child away from the area even when he hardly show interest in seeing him after he found someone else.

After years here, I am still doing a job that I hate but have rebuilt my life with a lovely divorced man… who ended up divorced because his exwife loved the idea of a job she was offered out of London, but there was nothing for him over here, so after commuting to London for two years and having a string of lower jobs he hated more locally they are now divorced and guess what? She is still as stressed, depressed and unfulfilled these days as she was in London, with a new lovely house and.., alone.

I really wouldn't. Your DH needs to be making a positive plan of a career he wants to move towards, and making concrete steps towards establishing himself in that career, before you make any change in your living situation.

Otherwise you could easily find yourself in a situation where he leaves his current job, drifts, loses direction, doesn't pick up housework or childcare responsibilities, and you end up carrying a lot of burdens while regretting a move away from a place where you are essentially happy apart from his job, which can best be changed in London anyway since that is where the jobs are.

I would plan and think insitu - does your DH get sick pay? Could he take a month off to recouperate and think?

As someone in the sticks I would echo that all the London money has inflated property a lot, so you won't get as much for your money as you might think.

I left London very early in my career and bitterly regret it, I know it has it's problems, but the amount of access to interesting fun and cultural activities is unsurpassed. If it weren't for needing to be close to family for caring reasons I would actually choose to live in a smaller house and move back so that my children could experience something much more interesting than they get around where I live!

Everyone's experiences will be so different. We upped and moved from London but still not too far if had to commute. So glad we did. It was hard to start being somewhere new with but now kids are in great schools and love it, all have great friends, and I would never move back.

I think this could go terribly wrong.

First of all, a small house in london may not get you a mortgage free house in a part of the country that you would like. So you could be forced to live deep in the countryside or near a town you don't love.

Secondly don't underestimate having good schools close. Moving to a place with good schools means higher house prices leading back to my first point. Also once your kids are older they want more freedom, so being extremely rural is hard and if they go to university many good graduate jobs are based in london or near a large city wherever in the country. Can't imagine you finding a mortgage free house in Manchester or Edinburgh for example.

I wouldn't move away if my career could be be sustained away from london. No way.

Finally your husband needs to change jobs for a fresh start not whole careers. What on earth could he change to in his mid 40s? I'm not saying it's impossible but it's more difficult. Life/family/homes come with responsibilities I'm afraid. Changing career and being mortgage free will also impact pension provision etc.

@LifeWobble This is very much my self-indulgent fantasy, not his!

But is the fantasy a solution to his problem or were you dreaming of this all along? If you and the DC's are happy where you are it sounds like you are trying to fix the problem not live the dream.