Are we daft to consider leaving London in these circumstances?

[LifeWobble]

DH and I are mid-40s, have 2 primary aged DC, good jobs, live in a nice London suburb with good schools, all amenities on the doorstep. Lots of green space around by London standards. Live in a small but nice house. Basically we’re happy here.

Except…DH feels like he has come to the end of the road in his current career. It’s making him utterly miserable. He is by some margin the main income earner.

In the back of my mind is a “get out plan” that involves selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the county where we could be mortgage free and not reliant on DH’s income. He could quit his job and take some time out to evaluate what he wants to do with the rest of his career.

My career would be very limited by moving out of London, as I’m in a heavily London-oriented profession. I could probably stay in my current role but move away from London but getting another job in the field that would let me work remotely could be challenging.

AIBU to consider it?

I think you MIGHT be heading into rural fantasy, a well know British affliction.. Before you think of going anywhere I would

• get your partner onto some career counselling (career shifters do some good courses), he needs to have his next career figured out before you go - moving and then sorting out your career can easily turn into 1 never sorting out your career, or 2 realising you moved to totally the wrong place or 3 realising you didn’t actually hate your original career, just the company.

If you do decide to move to the county, rent for a year. Lots of people really don’t get on with it.

It’s much easier with teens to live on the edge of a market town, if you are in a village you will be a taxi service. A small city even better.

If your career is in London really try and stay close enough to keep working there. Especially if you husband decides he really wants to be a carpenter, you may find yourself the main bread winner..

LifeWobble I was just trying to ascertain if you and/or DH grew up in London. If not, then you do t have the same attachment to keep you here. The plan needs work imo

I've heard it's very difficult to move back close to London after you've left and sold up. There is a high chance your DC may move closer to London for university and work and therefore you wouldn't see them much then. Would you be okay with that? (I know it's a long time from now).

Can he quit his job and be a stay-at-home dad for a couple of years while you step up your work to the max? That might give him time to evaluate what he wants and grow your earnings. Then decide on the next steps after that.

@MsAgnesDiPesto

I always think it’s best consider making a radical change like this only if you are being pulled towards something new, rather than being pushed away from the current. So if DH looks around, researches new careers, and finds there is an opportunity to pursue that in a new place, then you will be drawn to that place. He might find that his new direction lies somewhere close to where you are now, so running from the current problems would be a poor plan.

I would say that at the moment, the reasons for staying where you are far outweigh the reason for going somewhere else, when the somewhere isn’t yet defined. That balance could change, but I think you need to know exactly where, to what, and why you’re going before you make this irrevocable step.

This is really sensible advice imo. I was about to write something similar but this is much clearer and more helpful !

I would not be giving up my career. My mum left her job to follow my dad and was never able to work in her niche filed again. Did a number on her mental health, as did moving away from all her friends. He can do plenty of things in London that are outside of the rat race, including doing up an old house. Being in London will give your children opportunities that being in the middle of nowhere (in the depths of winter) won't. (My DC does 3 clubs, all within walking distance of her school, my best friend lives in a little village with one bus every half an hour to the only club for miles around for her DC)

No I wouldn't consider it. Much less disruptive if your DH would just find a new job if he hates his current one so much.

Yes I think you'd be foolish to move now without any plan - which frankly you don't seem to have.

You have a London centric job and he's unsure of his next career.

You'd be better off staying where you are until both you and your DH can figure out "what next" which might include some re- training.

Your "get out plan" has all the potential to bugger up the rest of your lives including retirement plans.

Potentially at mid forties and being a good earner he only has to stick it out another 5 years or so before you might be in a position for him to semi-retire.

My first step would be to meet with a good financial advisor and take it from there. You need to be realistic about what you have now and the cost of walking away.

I'm not suggesting him being in a job that's making him miserable is sustainable, it's not. Equally, moving and spending a year thinking about "what next" is indulgent when you could be doing that in your current circumstances.

There is a big difference in feeling you have to do a job forever and knowing you have to grit your teeth for a few more years and then you're out - whilst you both simultaneously consider/plan/train for a career change that would allow more flexibility re: location.

Upshot is your "get out plan" is really "without a plan".

Leaving London and re-locating to a new life isn't a bad idea in and of itself - but I think you're very light on detail and that's where the devil lives...

Bear in mind he will probably work from home forever more in some sort of self employed consultacy role and you will never be alone in your house again! It will impact your relationship... just read all the threads on here from women being driven slowly mad......

Just to add.

I'm not sure how informed you are, but during the pandemic many of my friends in London had this idea they could sell up their small homes/flats in London and buy a fabulous house "up North", work from home etc

They were pretty shocked to find that property prices have risen here quite considerably and we are way past the point of where you could swap a small 3 bedroom London Terrace for a 5 bedroom period Manor House and the pandemic exacerbated this further.

For the same reason, all those "fixer upper" project properties are now as rare as unicorn shit because developers have - well unsurprisingly - developed them already.

Those that remain are not the "bargain" they used to be and the combination of Brexit and the pandemic means the cost of raw materials is having a massive impact on the cost of any building project.

In this respect your timing couldn't be any worse, which is another reason to sit tight and plan properly.

Can he do a sabbatical as pp said with the aim to at least decide what next for him?

I think it’s not great for you to do it given your career, and the other stuff sounds good for dc atm, so I’d not rush into it

@32MsAgnesDiPesto gives really good advice. If your DH hates his job to the extent he is heading for a breakdown or his mental health and your relationship is sacrificed it is absolutely not okay that you both take the approach that he 'sucks it up' until whatever age.
However you both need to take a balanced approach to moving away from London and whether it is in every one's interests. I settled in Leeds in my mid 20's and have brought my family up here. I love it but was established here pre-family. My parents moved me aged 8 to commuter belt town and I was a very unhappy teen. As adults you will also need to establish yourself in a new community, not just jobs, but social circles and support networks etc. I am always amazed to be honest when people decide to sell up and assume their quality of life will be better because they can reduce their mortgage. Financially it may make sense on paper, however realistically you will be spending a lot more money and time visiting family, commuting,
and on petrol (public transport outside London is very sketchy and extremely expensive). It is unlikely you will ever be able to move back.

What's your budget? To be mortgage free is amazing but what can you buy?

I don’t think it’s wise in the current climate. If you were a teacher or GP or something then it would be a fine plan but if your industry is mostly in London and you move away (this being precarious should there be redundancies, a bad boss etc) AND your Oh wouldn’t be working then it’s just really risky. Wait until he knows what he wants to do and has a solid plan.

And if you leave London, you absoultley need to know where you are moving to and for it to 'feel right'. There is a lot happening outside of our capital and the South East, however every city or town has a very different feeling. If you are thinking rural- take rose tinted glasses off and really imagine living in a small community as an incommer. I have family members who have lived in small communities for 30 years who are accepted but still blow ins. Other people I know have moved to commuter villages and it is very neighbourhood watch and conservative (small c). Same with small towns. It is very easy to forget or not realise, if you live in a large city, how petty and narrow minded life is in many UK towns, even the posh ones.

Awful idea imo- no plan, aimlessly moving to another part of the country so your DH can think?! Sorry but these kind of selfish decisions and time outs can’t happen when you have a family, suck it up keep working whilst deciding what to do (your DH this is aimed at)

If you have an established career, it's risky to jeopardise that. I'm sure yours won't, but marriages do break down.
Once you leave London it can also be hard to afford to go back should you realise you've made a mistake.
I'd be looking at a sabbatical for DH if you can afford it, GP advice and strongly encouraging him to get counselling.
You can research various options during this time.
There may well be jobs in London he hasn't even thought of. You could also find prices in areas you'd consider outside London are no longer as low as you imagined.
Fgs don't just plunge into the fixer upper scenario in a place you don't know anyone. It could be stressful, hideously expensive (when you inevitably discover there's far more work needed than you first thought) and very lonely. And then nobody's happy.

Under no circumstances would I do this. I feel you don't realise fully the extent of choice of jobs and options available to your husband living in London. If he can't retrain/find new role/ go part time and find a side hustle there it will never happen in the country. Stay and explore all options. The grass is definitely not greener.

Lots of food for thought here, thank you. It’s very definitely not a serious plan but just something I am turning over in my head as an option.

The way things are at the moment DH is definitely not in a place where he can just grit his teeth for the next 5 years or so. I’m pushing him to get support and do as much thinking as he can now though while the money is still coming in.

@LadyGAgain

What's your budget? To be mortgage free is amazing but what can you buy?

Our current house is worth around £900k and we have £200k left on the mortgage.

My ‘Rightmove fantasy’ is spending £500k + £100k improvement budget leaving a £100k buffer (on top of current savings).

If your DH so desperately needs to change career, surely messing up your career is a terrible idea?

We left in similar circumstances, bought a beautiful, money pit of a project house, DH (the better paid) unable to find anywhere near equivalent work so 'commuted' on a weekly basis for a decade. Schools frankly awful, and so little choice, whole thing a massive mistake. Only able to move back because of a large inheritance.
I would strongly advise against.

No o

Look somewhere commutable to London so you could still work, even if you only go in once a week (can you do that?) you won’t be mortgage free but you can get somewhere nicer.
I don’t regret leaving London. It’s nice to be close though especially for work.

If he’s really unhappy he needs to do something obviously, but I would never recommend quitting a job in your mid 40s without another one lined up. Rightly or wrongly lIt’s very difficult to just walk in an out of jobs in your 40s and change career