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Original poster

Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

345 replies

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:36

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 11/02/2022 00:03

@Yoyokitten sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I had one at about 7 weeks many years ago, I remember quite a bit of pain and bleeding that went on for a while, it wasn’t pleasant. I’d still much rather go for the surgical option if I can. I’m doing my best to stay detached from the pregnancy but every morning I wake up with my hand cradling my belly, so I guess subconsciously I am attached. I’m feeling really stressed and cranky and just wretched about the whole thing. My boss is being an absolute dick and causing lots more stress which I’m really not in the mood for.

OP posts:
Yoyokitten · 11/02/2022 11:35

Hi. Thank you so much. It was more emotionally upsetting for me, than physically.
I didn't get pregnant again, so don't have any children.
I am so sorry though, I didn't mean to suggest you have the medical termination. Sorry.
It must be so difficult to stay detached from your situation, as well as your boss adding to the stress.
Take care, and if it's any consolation, you have a lot of support on here

Rach000 · 15/02/2022 20:48

How are you getting on? Have you got an appointment for a scan or to have the abortion?
I had a medical abortion a few months ago and it really wasn't too bad. I took the first pill on a Wednesday, the day after I worked from home and inserted the others. I didn't do too much work later on and said I wasn't feeling well. The next day I had some cramps and a bit of pain but could get on with the kids and work etc. Took it easy for a few days but not as bad as I expected. I was very nervous about it before.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 16/02/2022 11:06

@Yoyokitten I’m sorry to hear that, that’s another thing I feel bad about, the amount of women who would give their right arm to be pregnant, especially at my age. It feels really insensitive to be posting about my situation when I know there’s so many on here who would love to conceive.

@Rach000 thanks for checking in. I’m doing ok, just spent a few days with my bf and we talked it all through some more, and we are sure this is the right decision. It is really hard though, I really wish I could just get it over with. I have another scan on Tuesday and will go from there. Im still pretty sure I don’t want to go down the medical abortion route, thanks for sharing your story and that doesn’t sound too horrendous, but it seems like it’s luck (if that’s the right word!) of the draw as to how bad it will be. I’d also only be pushing things forward by 4 days as if I went for the medical abortion it would be the first lot of pills on Tuesday and the second lot on Thursday, and I could have surgery the following Monday so I think I’ll just do that. Still nearly 2 weeks away though Sad.

OP posts:
AnonymousAnonymous · 16/02/2022 11:12

Dont tell him

irishfarmer · 16/02/2022 11:18

Must be awful all this waiting. At least it's nearly time now. Don't really know what else to say bar it's great you can talk to your bf about it. It would be so hard no having anyone IRL to talk to about all of this

Lysianthus · 16/02/2022 11:34

@AnonymousAnonymous

Dont tell him
Rtft @AnonymousAnonymous Honestly why would you not? OP is really struggling and HAS told BF.

OP, hope you're feeling brighter today Thanks

CousinKrispy · 16/02/2022 11:40

Hope you are feeling OK, OP. I know it's a tough situation and you're right, for many of us it's the "least worst" choice and feeling a mix of emotions is normal. Life is sad and complicated sometimes.

I had a medical abortion at an age similar to you. I threw up a lot afterwards but aside from that, recovery wasn't bad at all. I did get to ride home in a taxi instead of the bus, though, I was looking sufficiently poorly after I woke up that the nurse persuaded my (very tight) now-ex-H to spring for a cab for once!

Big hugs and best wishes.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 16/02/2022 11:58

It is really sad and the waiting is awful. But I seem to be having a run of shit luck at the moment so to be honest I wasn’t even surprised when they sent me away for two weeks, I just felt numb, and I’ve carried on feeling like that. I guess it’s my brain going into survival mode because another 3 weeks (in total before surgery) of living in that kind of emotional state wasn’t sustainable. And ‘luckily’ my youngest has created a whole lot of dramas the last week or so (that’s a thread in itself), so that’s kept me busy and also helped to cement my decision, I really don’t think I have it in me to start all over again with another child.

On the plus side (if there is any tiny silver lining to be found), I think it has made my relationship with my bf stronger (he actually said that himself yesterday, which is rare as he doesn’t really do talking about emotions, he’s normally just a joker). And we’ve booked a trip away for next month which I think we will need by then on a number of levels. I’m so glad I told him, this would all be a million times worse without his support.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 19/02/2022 13:57

Hi, OP -

I am very your experience is proving to be so drawn out. At least the end is in sight. But I have just read this latest update and it is marvellous that your bf is rising to the situation and the two of you are becoming even closer. So glad you will be getting away when this is over!

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 19/02/2022 20:56

Thanks @poetryandwine. I’m really struggling now, after an avalanche of shit from the last few days on top of the pregnancy. My dd and her friends were being groomed online by a grown man who sent them all kinds of explicit things, just found out about that from the school on Thursday. And then the storm (no fun with horses). I’m feeling exhausted and nauseous and just burnt out by life and I’m really tearful tonight. The pressure of half term seems immense too, I’m trying really hard to not let any of this affect the DC but it’s really hard, all I want to do is hide under my duvet and cry, I’m completely overwhelmed. I also have a definite baby belly now (normal for me, this happened in my other pregnancies too). It just makes it harder knowing I won’t be keeping it. I’ve been dreaming that I have had the baby too (always a boy) and honestly my head is completely fried by it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 22/02/2022 19:14

Had my scan today and they couldn’t find a heartbeat, they think the baby died about a week ago but is still in the right place. Have another appointment on Monday, hopefully nature will take its course before then. It sounds awful but part of me is relieved that I won’t have to live with the trauma and guilt of an abortion, although I know miscarriages aren’t exactly fun either.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 22/02/2022 20:18
Flowers I hope nature takes its course and you recover swiftly and can put it all behind you @TellOrNot1981 Best of luck.
Ohya · 22/02/2022 20:24

What if you told him and he said he would keep the baby and bring him/her up would you consider keeping the pregnancy? I think having contributed to the making of the baby he deserves that chance.

crackersforcrackers · 22/02/2022 20:27

Thinking of you and hope this is all over quickly Flowers

poetryandwine · 22/02/2022 20:27

Oh, wow, OP. This won’t be easy but maybe you will feel the relief of not making a decision you weren’t completely comfortable with. Is your BF still there?

The grooming etc of course could not have come at a worse time. Very best wishes to all of you

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 22/02/2022 23:43

Thanks everyone. No bf isn’t here at the moment, he’s coming back tomorrow. At the moment I feel ok, like a big weight has been lifted, the decision has been made for me now. I was absolutely dreading the abortion (I know I still may need surgery but it won’t seem as bad as ending a viable pregnancy). It’s weird because yesterday I was rushing around doing jobs and I suddenly thought ‘I don’t feel pregnant’. For the last few weeks I’ve been aware of the pregnancy the whole time, but yesterday that feeling had gone. I also hadn’t been feeling nauseous the last couple of days when I did before. So I wasn’t entirely surprised. Emotionally I’m not feeling much at the moment but that’s how my brain operates, there’s always a bit of a lag with processing things.

I know it’s not over yet, I know I’ll be traipsing in and out of the EPAC unit for the next couple of weeks. Fingers crossed it’s all straightforward.

Thank you again to all you wonderful people for the support you’ve given me Flowers

OP posts:
Mamamamasaurus · 23/02/2022 16:24

@Ohya

What if you told him and he said he would keep the baby and bring him/her up would you consider keeping the pregnancy? I think having contributed to the making of the baby he deserves that chance.
RTFT

OP Flowers for you. I understand why you feel relief, it's to be expected. I've got everything crossed that you reach the finishing line soon, we're all here for you if you want to come back, don't worry if not though

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 24/02/2022 11:34

Thanks @Mamamamasaurus. On Tuesday my main feeling was relief that the pregnancy wasn’t viable, then yesterday that switched to feeling scared about the impending miscarriage. I phoned the hospital and they’ve booked me in for surgery on Monday, I really hope nothing happens before then and I can just be knocked it and get it out of the way knowing nothing about it. I had a couple of hours of awful contraction type pains last night though so my gut feeling is I probably won’t last until Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 24/02/2022 11:34

*knocked out

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 24/02/2022 11:46

Of course this is awful in its own way. I hope your bf has arrived? Hang in there for a few more days……take care

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 24/02/2022 12:50

@poetryandwine yes he’s here and he’s being great as always. It’s reassuring knowing that if things do get worse over the next few days and I’m not able to get to the horses or whatever he’s here to take over if needs be. Either way, it’s good knowing that by Monday at the very latest all this will be behind me. Feeling absolutely fine again today, no pain at all, last night was horrific but the pain has completely gone for now.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 24/02/2022 13:00

I'm sorry OP, but in a way, at least the decision was taken out of your hands, and I hope nature takes its course over the weekend
I've had two miscarriages, which were both complete so I didn't need any surgery afterwards and I hope it will be the same for you.Thanks

Clarich007 · 26/02/2022 13:24

So sorry to hear of your troubles OP.
You've certainly gone through the mill these last few weeks.
I can understand you being relieved, it's normal to feel that.
I hope your daughter and friends are ok.
Roll on Monday.We will be thinking about you. You have lot of support on here.
Take care

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 26/02/2022 18:32

Not long now OP, hang in there.... FlowersFlowersFlowers

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