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Original poster

Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

345 replies

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:36

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

OP posts:
Yoyokitten · 04/02/2022 13:44

Hi OP. You sound so lovely, I really do feel for you. Only you can make this momentous decision, it must be very hard. I don't know if I am reading this wrongly, but several things you have said FlowersFlowersmake me think you are not absolutely sure about an abortion.
I am not trying to say anything at all really. Obviously it's down to you.
When I'm facing a big decision, and going round in circles, what helps is asking myself, If i do this will I regret it. It works every time for me.
Love and thoughts and good luck whatever you decide.

Yoyokitten · 04/02/2022 13:45

Sorry flowers in the wrong place!!

miltonj · 04/02/2022 13:45

Tell him. Much better for everything to be out in the open. A relationship where you are both on the same page snd can work as a team Is the only fulfilling type IMO. Even if it ruins things, at least you'll know that everything that has happened is authentic snd based on everyone knowing the facts. It will also eat away at the relationship if you don't tell him. It's just no good living your life that way. Good luck with the talk.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 04/02/2022 13:58

@poetryandwine yes probably the 5% does want to keep it, but genuinely the overwhelming part of me doesn’t want to. I’ll be seeing a counsellor on Tuesday when I go to the hospital on Tuesday, but hopefully things will already be clearer by then.

OP posts:
Yoyokitten · 04/02/2022 14:03

Ah that's different then... 95% is high.
Hope you feel better on Tuesday.

poetryandwine · 04/02/2022 14:18

You do sound pretty clear, OP.

Just a quick note to add my voice to all those who say you sound like a lovely person

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 04/02/2022 15:38

Aww 🥰 thank you everyone, and thanks for the words of wisdom and support.

Re would I regret having an abortion, yes probably. But then would I regret going back to square one and having a child, yes probably. But on the other hand would I benefit from having an abortion, yes, and would I benefit from having a baby, well yes, you can’t help but love them when they come along.

So both options are bad but also both options are good. I think whichever I choose I need to focus on the positive things about that choice.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 04/02/2022 15:57

@worriedmummyofboys

Thanks for ignoring me and not acknowledging my first comment
Your first comment consisted of 'F'. How can anyone acknowledge that?
OnlyAFleshWound · 04/02/2022 19:17

@TellOrNot1981

Aww 🥰 thank you everyone, and thanks for the words of wisdom and support.

Re would I regret having an abortion, yes probably. But then would I regret going back to square one and having a child, yes probably. But on the other hand would I benefit from having an abortion, yes, and would I benefit from having a baby, well yes, you can’t help but love them when they come along.

So both options are bad but also both options are good. I think whichever I choose I need to focus on the positive things about that choice.

I don't think that asking 'will I regret it?' is very helpful, because you're right that there will be regrets AND happiness whichever path you choose.

I think it's very rare for there to be a case of someone having an abortion and being absolutely 100% certain about it. In almost all cases, there will be some doubt - even when I was pregnant by an absolute wanker who I've spent the past 25 years being so glad I don't have a child by, even then it was a tough decision to make.

Even aside from the fact that you (at the moment) love this guy, there is a natural biological instinct that kicks in. I couldn't smoke or drink even when I knew I was going to have a termination.

Realistically- you have two much older children, one of whom needs a lot of care, and a secure housing set-up. You don't know this guy very well. You live a long way apart and you haven't been in a r'ship very long. You don't even know what his views are on abortion (something quite fundamental). There is every chance that he will say you should go ahead with the pregnancy and he'll support you. Which is lovely, but doesn't cancel out ANY of the reasons you already have, yourself, for being 95% certain that you don't want it.

You absolutely wouldn't have chosen to get pregnant - if you could click your fingers you wouldn't be - and I think that is a very important factor.

I'm glad he's coming to support you, but I think you need to remember that whatever happens, you will be dealing with 99% of the fallout from whatever decision you make.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 04/02/2022 19:40

@OnlyAFleshWound yes that’s all very true, I am pretty sure he’ll be on the same page going by things he’s said re kids in the past, and the fact that it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for him if we did have it. He would have to come up with some pretty convincing enthusiasm for the whole idea and some good suggestions of how that would work realistically, and I don’t think that will happen. Which is fine, and I won’t hold that against him at all. Neither of us asked for this to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 05/02/2022 18:37

So that’s decision made. Was pretty unanimous that not having a child was the right thing to do. Feel ok about it, although slightly emotional because I just had 2 pints with my dinner. Just got to get through the next 9 days without losing my mind now. He said that he would stay down for the rest of the week after the 14th, as well as being there for my birthday weekend, so that’s good as it takes the pressure off me a bit if I’m not feeling 💯 that week, he can help out with horses and school runs etc.

OP posts:
Abigail12345654321 · 05/02/2022 20:11

Glad you have seen him - a difficult time for you both but he sounds a sensible and decent sort and I hope he continues to be supportive. 💐

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 20:23

A difficult time but a wise decision IMO.

Let him look after you and rest up after the procedure.

Best of luckFlowers

Ophicleide · 05/02/2022 21:17

Just looking at this thread to see how you are, @TellOrNot1981

I'm so sorry you've ended up in this situation. I know it's harder for you than it is for your bf, but in a way it's good that you both agree, and that he is sticking around for the consequences. Since reading your updates, I've thought and hoped that he would 'come good', as it seems impossible that someone as nice and decent as you would be involved with someone who doesn't deserve you. Thank goodness he's one of the good ones, as you really do deserve it (I also have DC with SN, btw, and understand the toll it takes in every way).

I hope that once this is behind you, you can both continue to enjoy the warmth that your relationship gives you.

poetryandwine · 05/02/2022 21:52

I bet that beer tasted good! There was no perfect outcome but I hope you are at peace with the idea that you made the best decision (I think you did). It is super that your bf is taking the next week to be with you. I hope that even though you wouldn’t have wished for this experience it will bring you closer together.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 06/02/2022 11:30

Yes I think this is the least bad option, although it’s going to be horrible. There’s been lots of crying (from me) but it’s been nice just to be held and have him there. Heading back home soon. Just need to find some coping strategies to get through the next 8 days, it feels like an eternity. That’s if they are able to see what they need to see on the scan on Tuesday, otherwise they rebook me in for two weeks later :/

OP posts:
irishfarmer · 07/02/2022 09:33

Glad it went well with your boyfriend and he really is behind you.

What do you mean you might have to wait another 2 weeks? If you are too early? If you are that early would you consider the medication? How many weeks do you think you are?

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 07/02/2022 14:23

@irishfarmer yes it needs to be big enough for them to be able to see what they need to see on a scan, and if not they’ll book me in for another scan for 2 weeks later. From what I gathered on the phone this is the case whether I choose the surgical or medical option.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 07/02/2022 14:24

Which seems a bit bonkers as you can get the pills over the phone without any kind of scan depending on where you book your consultation. But anyway, even if I could get the pills I really don’t think I want to go down that route.

OP posts:
irishfarmer · 07/02/2022 14:36

Fingers crossed they see something so and you can get sorted quickly.

Yoyokitten · 10/02/2022 15:49

Hi TellOrNot81.
How are you? I've been thinking about you today. Hope all went well yesterday Flowers

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 10/02/2022 19:31

@Yoyokitten thanks for thinking of me. It was the worst possible outcome really, it was still too small for them to be able to see enough on the scan so they rebooked me in for another scan for 2 weeks and then the abortion will be the week after that. So feeling really low and like I’m stuck in a bit of a nightmare, I really wanted to just do it as early as possible but another two weeks makes it all harder. The early pregnancy exhaustion has well and truly kicked in and I’m really struggling to get through the days at the moment and feeling so shit about it all.

OP posts:
OnlyAFleshWound · 10/02/2022 22:54

Very sorry to hear this @tellornot1981
It will all be over a few weeks from now. I know it seems like forever at the moment.

Do you have the option of getting the pills more quickly?

Flowers
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 10/02/2022 23:06

@OnlyAFleshWound no I couldn’t have any kind of abortion until they are able to see that it’s a viable pregnancy, they said it’s for legal reasons.

OP posts:
Yoyokitten · 10/02/2022 23:22

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this. Understandable that you want it sorting asap now the decision is made.
It must be a nightmare for you.
I know this is completely different, but I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, and actually it wasn't too bad really. Really painful for a day or two. When I started bleeding I was so scared, didn't know what to expect but manageable.
Take care

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