Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

[TellOrNot1981]

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

@BellatrixOnABadDay don’t worry, my thoughts there haven’t changed. I don’t know whether he’s saying that because he thinks it’s what I needed to hear or whether he really does think it’s more good than bad. This is unchartered territory for him.

One thing for sure is, he doesn’t make promises he doesn’t keep, and he never lets me down. He’s very careful in what he commits to for those reasons. So anything he does say when we meet up will be genuine.

@WeDoNotActuallySpeakLeprechaun that wasn’t what I meant at all, I’m madly in love with an Irishman and I’m half Irish (although born and raised in England) so I clearly don’t think that about Irish people. I mentioned the catholic thing to try and explain his background (he’s one of 15 children), and also my own understanding of the guilt that stays with you from my experience of going to a convent school. I’m sorry if I offended you in any way.

@TellOrNot1981 I read that back and hope it didn't come across that I was trying to sway you either! I just feel very very strongly that it should always be a woman's decision 100%.

I still would say though that really decisions need to be made pragmatically and not when clouded by emotion- and tbh I don't think he understands fully how the burden of this really is on you- it is you with two children already, and more than enough on your plate.

When I was unexpectedly pregnant with what would have been baby no 3, I didn't cope well. I'd been suffering badly with anxiety/depression/stress. Existing kids were 4 and 2. I was really distressed but I was only thinking emotionally, how I couldn't have a termination, not that I disagree with it in any way but I felt I couldn't as was married, had kids together already etc. The truth was, when I did have the miscarriage very shortly after, it was mainly a relief. There was sadness too and I think shock but honestly it felt that it had been the kinder thing for everyone in the situation.

A couple of years down the line and after I split up with my husband, I had a pregnancy scare with a guy I was seeing casually. It did turn out to be just a scare but I considered everything so much more pragmatically- if I'd been pregnant I would have had a termination without hesitation. Already a single parent, I had to focus on the children I already had, what was best for them, think about work, and also about what was honestly best for me. Adding the stress of a baby would have destroyed me.

Just take care of yourself and do what is best for you x

@BellatrixOnABadDay thank you, I know what you’re saying and I agree that the final decision has to be what is right for me. I’m still very much in the how the bloody hell could that ever work camp x

@TellOrNot1981 15 children! Holy Moses. There aren't too many families that big these days. Anyway I just wanted to give you my perspective on it.
I didn't go to a convent school, I was lucky. it's just the stereotype gets to me. The good little Irish catholic, having as many babies as they can and speaking incoherently at 90 mph.
I hope you reach a decision you're both happy with and that you get all the support you need.

@WeDoNotActuallySpeakLeprechaun I know right, you can imagine how intimidating it was meeting the whole family in one go at a christening (as well as husbands/wives/kids)! His mum is a tiny little, amazing woman who was a single parent for a lot of it after the dad left. Living in the arse end of beyond with no phone and she doesn’t drive. Hats off to her.

[quote WeDoNotActuallySpeakLeprechaun]@TellOrNot1981 It reads badly. Between that and the catholic thing. It reads like were a nation of over producing, babbling idiots. That is how I feel as an Irish person about what you wrote. It's not an attack on you, just my perspective.
I'm glad he was supportive and I hope you come to a decision you're both happy with. [/quote]
Oh give over!

You know exactly the sort of fella the op is describing. Anyone Irish does.

This is not the time or the place to play the mortally offended. This thread isn’t about you.

@Abigail12345654321 thank you for your opinion which you are entitled to.
However, you do not get to decide whether or not I'm allowed to find something offensive, if you read the exchange between op and myself you'd see that it's all very pleasant so no need for your outrage.

[quote WeDoNotActuallySpeakLeprechaun]@Abigail12345654321 thank you for your opinion which you are entitled to.
However, you do not get to decide whether or not I'm allowed to find something offensive, if you read the exchange between op and myself you'd see that it's all very pleasant so no need for your outrage. [/quote]
I’m not outraged.

I’m pointing out that you are behaving like a rude self-obsessed madam. The fact that the Op is thoroughly lovely and far too polite to point that out to you is neither here nor there.

I haven’t decided whether you can or cannot be offended. You are welcome to be offended by whatever you like (fyi there is also a very certain type of Irish person who tells people they are entitled to their opinions - you have demonstrated on this thread that you are one of them); the point I am making is that it is the height of ignorance to express that supposed feeling of offence on a thread like this, where the topic is such that the Op is clearly in need of support. How dare you. You being offended is irrelevant. You should not have lectured the Op on her perfectly accurate description of her partner. It was rude - but more importantly it was deeply inappropriate.

You owe her an apology. Have the good grace to accept what I am saying and offer her one.

@Abigail12345654321 I'm glad you got all that off your chest. Have a nice day.☺️

[quote WeDoNotActuallySpeakLeprechaun]@Abigail12345654321 I'm glad you got all that off your chest. Have a nice day.☺️[/quote]
No apology to the Op then. Surprise surprise. Bad form.

@Abigail12345654321 I have already wished the op well but as you are so insistent I am sorry I said anything at all.
Referring to me as a certain type of Irish person when you don't know me is very unfair, particularly when there have been so many derogatory comments towards the Irish made on this site over the years. Yes I am sensitive to them, I'll freely admit that. I don't make any such comments about the English or any other nationality and would never describe someone like that.
But @TellOrNot1981 I am sorry. Like I've already said to you, I wish you well, I hope everything works out for you.

I don't think OP did mean anything derogatory to Irish people though. I think she mentioned his Catholicism because she was worried on how it may affect his views on termination. Catholicism isn't specific to Ireland. And she was implying in a fairly light hearted, friendly way that she struggles to understand him on the phone because he does have a strong accent. Not intending to be derogatory at all, just trying to be lighthearted in what is an incredibly stressful time for her. She could have said the same if he was from Newcastle and had a strong Geordie accent. I was once seeing a lovely lad from the welsh valleys and sometimes I really struggled to catch everything he said on the phone because his accent was strong and very different to my own. He used to say the same to me! Neither took offence.

I think it's obvious from her tone and the way she wrote it that she wasn't being derogatory at all and I do agree with @Abigail12345654321 that it's bad form to try and make her feel like she's done something wrong. Mumsnet is so so angry lately, I know it's always been confrontational at times but it's sad when it's spilling over into this kind of thread.

OP I hope you're doing ok this morning x

@BellatrixOnABadDay

I don't think OP did mean anything derogatory to Irish people though. I think she mentioned his Catholicism because she was worried on how it may affect his views on termination. Catholicism isn't specific to Ireland. And she was implying in a fairly light hearted, friendly way that she struggles to understand him on the phone because he does have a strong accent. Not intending to be derogatory at all, just trying to be lighthearted in what is an incredibly stressful time for her. She could have said the same if he was from Newcastle and had a strong Geordie accent. I was once seeing a lovely lad from the welsh valleys and sometimes I really struggled to catch everything he said on the phone because his accent was strong and very different to my own. He used to say the same to me! Neither took offence.

I think it's obvious from her tone and the way she wrote it that she wasn't being derogatory at all and I do agree with @Abigail12345654321 that it's bad form to try and make her feel like she's done something wrong. Mumsnet is so so angry lately, I know it's always been confrontational at times but it's sad when it's spilling over into this kind of thread.

OP I hope you're doing ok this morning x

With all due respect I have apologised, no need to pile on.

I wanted to add so the OP saw- that i agree she hadn't been derogatory at all. Because when someone is stressed and anxious it's easy to be knocked by comments like yours, tbh. It wasn't a pile on

Morning - it’s ok I’m not easily offended and have had 18 months of being called a racist by my beloved (in a jokey way), because I’m English. To be fair he (and his brothers) extend this to all English people for any reason. E.g. they have to pay their taxes… because the English are racists, they got marched out of the airport by armed police (didn’t have the right documents)…because the English are racists, the beds they bought in Argos were really uncomfortable…because the English are racists. Etc etc etc. So I’m well used to it .

Feeling ok this morning thanks, definitely calmer now that the cat is out of the bag, as it were. Just need to keep busy x

So glad you're feeling calmer. I do think telling him was the right thing in the context of the relationship you have, although he's doubtless digesting things and is yet to show what his next responses are, but so far so good.

Have a good day OP and as you say keeping busy now will help the time pass until things can be resolved.

Sounds like the kind of banter I had with the welsh lad 😁

Really glad your feeling calmer- at least now you aren't wondering whether or not to say anything, which is a huge source of stress in itself.

I think telling him was the right thing to do. I don't know what you are like but I would have told him at some point in the future because it would have eat me up inside the secret.

It's good that ye are meeting up to discuss things this weekend and that he will at least be there for you at the end of a phone to support you even if he can't go to the appointments with you.

Also for what it's worth I didn't think you sounded racists/ derogatory etc about Irish people. I am Irish, the vast majority of people here went to and still go to Catholic schools and are still on paper Catholic, that is changing. Also there are certain accents/ people as an Irish person I find hard to understand!

Best of luck with what you decided

Have the termination and don't tell anyone, including BF. What he doesn't know won't hurt him in this instance, your body your decision.

I was thinking about you since I read that you had told him @TellOrNot1981 and wondering how things had gone today.

You are such a brave and strong woman. I'm glad he has responded in the way he has done - but even if he hadn't, you have done what was right for you by telling him. You sound like a fantastic person, and he's lucky to have you in his life (and your children are lucky to have you as their mum).

@Ophicleide oh thank you so much ☺️, that really means a lot. I’m lucky to have him too, he really is one of the rare good ones.

Today has been ok, kept busy with work and then I had a little nap this afternoon as I didn’t sleep too well last night. Spoke to bf (through the usually messaging system) this evening, he messaged as soon as he was in from work. We didn’t really talk about ‘the issue’, mostly just our usual nonsense banter, I did try to prod him a bit to gauge what he’s thinking, but he kind of brushed that off. Like I said, he’s a man who says what he means and chooses his words wisely, and I guess he’s still in digesting mode and also would rather talk about it face to face. So we are meeting up on Saturday for the night. He did offer to come down here but we’re going to meet half way. So that’s not too far away. Still got my appointment booked for Tuesday so if a termination is the route we’re going down, which I strongly suspect it will be, then I can just get on with it.

Thank you for thinking of me ❤️

And also thank you to everyone who has confirmed I’m not a big racist, I didn’t think I was

‘Just get on with it’ sounds pretty blasé but actually truth be told I’m pretty terrified about going through that. Just trying not to dwell on it.

You'll be OK. The earlier the better x

It sounds like he's being great and really supportive, but try not to let his emotions/feelings overwhelm yours when you see him. Realistically the burden of all of it is yours to deal with - the physical, the emotional, your existing children. No matter how lovely he is, you haven't really spent that much time together. What he should do is support you, not make the decision for you.

(and you're very obviously not a massive racist - obvious to all but one anyway)