Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

[TellOrNot1981]

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

OP you're NOT a massive racist - you're not even a teeny tiny miniscule hard-to-see racist.

Hope you're ok today.

Feeling a bit wobbly this morning, I’m lurking around at home waiting for my triage phone call at 10.50. Bit emotional and scared today. It looks like because of covid they only do medical abortions if you’re under 10 weeks, when I had one before it was surgical because I just wanted to be knocked out and not know anything about it. I keep reading things online about medical abortions and it sounds pretty horrendous, and I don’t know how I’m going to do it logistically. I can time it for when the kids are at school but I’ll still have to parent when they’re back as well as go and do the horse which will be an hour or two of pretty physical stuff later in the day. And I guess I’ll be on my own, the only other person who knows is my friend but she’s a single parent. Just feeling very sad about it all today

And this feels like a massive side issue but my birthday/valentines weekend is ruined, I guess I’ll be a bit all over the place emotionally/hormonally and still bleeding. I had such a shit 40th last year but it looks like this one is going to be even worse. My bf was supposed to be coming down and we were going away for the weekend, but a dirty weekend when I’ve just been through that and not allowed to have sex for two weeks (not that I expect I’ll feel much like it) seems a bit pointless. And in a way I’d rather have some time to pull myself together, rather than be an emotional mess when I see him.

The triage nurse just called and they do offer a surgical option too, which would be the following Monday (Valentine’s Day). Otherwise I could start the medical option on Tuesday, with the second lot of pills on Thursday. In one way I just want to get it over and done with but I think the surgical option might be less traumatic.

OP don't know the ins and outs of medical v surgical but I do know it's often discussed on the pregnancy choices board so you might find info there that helps with choosing this. Or it might be worth starting another thread on there.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy_choices

Sorry that should have said I don't know...

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I'm not surprised you're feeling wobbly.

Following Monday... that's not too much of a difference... I can understand why you'd prefer the surgical option too and i think it would possibly be what I'd choose.

Sorry about your birthday OP. I know it sucks right now, can you make plans to do something nice together in the spring instead? And having that to look forward to might help a little now, thinking ahead to when things will be a bit better

@TellOrNot1981

The triage nurse just called and they do offer a surgical option too, which would be the following Monday (Valentine’s Day). Otherwise I could start the medical option on Tuesday, with the second lot of pills on Thursday. In one way I just want to get it over and done with but I think the surgical option might be less traumatic.

for you OP! Go for the surgical option on the 14th, and celebrate your birthday / valentine's the weekend before. You'll still be stressed, but the surgigal option is less traumatic as quicker and less recovery time. Extra

Having experienced both a surgical abortion and a miscarriage at home with my kids around I too would probably opt for the surgical option, as long as you're OK with general anaesthetic.

Glad your bf is being really supportive that is what you need right now.

I can't really advise, but I have had a surgical D&C after miscarriage, and a "natural" miscarriage. Surgical was easier/ quicker. I can imagine the pill would induce something similar to a miscarriage, it is not pleasant, but you can get through it. I would not be going horse riding after either though! Home with pain killers, hot water bottle and lots of tea.

I'm Irish and also think you were it no way racist. Yes, Ireland has a long Catholic history and while it has evolved hugely over the years, I understood was you meant. I also understand what you mean about accents- some regional dialects are very strong and the speak at which we tend to speak is fast. Anyway, you have much better priorities than that.

I'm very happy that he is being supportive. I'm not sure which option is best but your decision making so far has been very logical and spot on so I'm sure whatever decision you make it will also be the best choice for you.

Not any easy time or an easy decision but one that wasn't taken lightly and is best for you and your family.

Thank you everyone. I think if I am having an abortion the surgical one would be the best option. Although it’s a bit like saying would you like your fingers slammed in the door or a punch in the face, neither seem overly appealing.

Having spent most of the morning crying I’ve been feeling very flat and meh for the rest of the day. I really want Saturday to hurry up.

Try to distract yourself until you see himself - no point going round and round in your head. Eat crap food and watch mindless tv! Thinking of you x

Just sending you waves of support, @TellOrNot1981 I can't say anything useful at all that will help you practically, but do at least know that other mothers whom you will never even meet are thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

I really do appreciate the thoughts and the regular check ins, feeling a bit lost at sea right now and I can’t tell you how much the support I’ve been getting here has helped. Actually just brought a little tear to my eye but then I have been crying quite a lot today x

Hi, @TellOrNot1981 -

Speaking as a lapsed Catholic of Irish descent, I feel extremely sympathetic towards you and I wish I had come across this thread sooner.

The decision is yours and yours alone. Although I believe you would be within your rights to keep a termination secret, it is a huge one that could easily become a wall. Your bf sounds such a good guy that I am glad you have taken the risk of sharing this with him. I very much hope it will pay off and strengthen your relationship.

Best wishes to you and your family

Thanks @poetryandwine, I really hope that whatever the outcome, our relationship survives this because I’d be devastated to lose him.

If you lost him because of this, he wouldn't have been the person you thought he was. Better to be with someone for who they really are rather than what you hope they are. Even if it's hard to face that at the moment.

Hi again, OP -

I hope you are feeling just a bit better today and especially that your bf is coming through for you.

As harsh as it sounds I agree with @OnlyAFleshWound that if he can’t do that, it is better to know now. I wish I had paid closer attention to an ex who was always about himself much sooner than I did.

I totally agree but I suppose I mean that it’s hard to predict how either of us will feel about it afterwards and it may cause problems, I hope not though. I know that when I had an abortion years ago I ended up feeling really resentful towards my ex, because he’d kind of backed me into a corner where I had no real choice but to abort, and then I never really forgave him for that. The relationship was already fucked though before that tbh and also he was a massive dick and neither of those things are factors here so hopefully we’d be ok. I just have no idea at the moment what bf is feeling or thinking about the whole situation and that’s not helping my mental tail-spins.

I guess there’s a 5% part of me that hopes he’s going to say yes let’s go for it and make all the right assurances, and if he doesn’t then am I going to end up feeling hurt by that deep down long term? Even though the other 95% of me knows that logically not having a baby would be by far and away the most sensible thing to do, and if I wasn’t pregnant and you asked me would I like another baby, the answer would be a very resounding no.

It’s a funny time, I haven’t been drinking and I’ve been taking folic acid just in case, that feels like the right thing to do, but then I am also very much planning my activities over the next few weeks/months (mostly horse related stuff) on the basis that I won’t be pregnant much longer. Covering all bases, it’s quite mentally stressful.

And even if he does say all those things I think there’s a very high chance that I won’t keep it, because as it’s already been said, the stakes a lot higher for me. It’s like I just want to hear him say that, but if he does then that probably means he’s quite up for having the baby, in which case if I don’t have it, how will he end up feeling towards me long term? It feels like there’s a lot of potentially complicated pitfalls here. One or other of us may well end up feeling resentful.

Hopefully not though, I think perhaps I am really overthinking all this and hopefully when I see him tomorrow we can come to a conclusion that we both feel ok about. And then I need to just galvanise my thoughts into remembering that’s how it is and not creating any alternative versions in my head in the future. If this makes any sense at all, I am very much thinking out loud here.

OP,

Maybe that 5% is the 5% of you that wants to keep the pregnancy. Just a possibility. Nothing wrong with ambivalence. Would it help you to talk things through with a professional?

It is interesting that you are taking folic acid, etc. You’ve mentioned that your children have SEN and that this is quite understandably a factor in your thinking. All of this is very moving and does make me wonder if you might benefit from a professional chat. You need to be able to look back and feel confident that you did the right thing, whatever that may be.

Again, best wishes for your relationship. I hope your bf proves worthy of your trust.

It all makes perfect sense OP because there's a rational decision to be made and then there's all the complicated feelings around it which will be diverse and pull in different directions. What you probably need from him is that he can BOTH support the best decision, that takes into full account your current lives and your existing children, but also that he's capable of expressing feelings of 'what if we had been able to...' without being overtaken by such feelings or using them to lay any blame or shame at your door.

It's a situation of great emotional complexity that hopefully you can both empathise with the other and listen to each other whilst recognising the realities and supporting each other - with the understanding and emphasis that this in the end impacts more on you than it does on him because it's happening inside your body, and your choice trumps any longings that might be activated in him.

God I hope THAT makes sense that was a couple of very long sentences, sorry!