To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

You should watch the Style Like U series on YouTube - it will open your mind to what is beautiful.

I'm early 40s and went through a major age crisis turning 40 and have come out the other side better for it. I started paying more attention to my hair and makeup and lost weight and dress better. In photos when I was a mum to 3 toddlers I was much less glam. I'm enjoying the time I have now with school aged children to look after myself more. I've way more confidence too than in my 20s

@forinborin

I've never been good looking, so the mid-life looks crash wasn't that sudden for me.

What is shocking for me is how young many men in 40s feel (I mean, feel about themselves). Spoke last week to a male friend who is 43 (listening to his usual complaints about the absence of love life, due to being very shy), and realised that women over 35 simply don't exist for him. He doesn't maliciously ignore them, they are just invisible, as if made of glass. I asked why doesn't he ask out someone he already knows, someone like Sue (one of our joint friends). He was totally shocked and said that he never thought about her like that - isn't she's a bit on the older side? The reality is, she's 7 years younger than him.

But why not see this for what it is — the mildly comic self-delusion of an average middle-aged guy — rather than a view of women that says anything at all about the women?

What is that saying — ‘Grant me the confidence of the mediocre white man’?

I'm not far off 40 and I don't feel like this at all.

I don’t feel like this at all. I feel really grateful that I’ve got to middle age with no significant health issues, still fit enough to do anything I like and fit into all my old clothes. I’ve had better luck than many and I appreciate that.

Sorry but you sound very vain... yabu. Why do you care what a stranger thinks or doesn't think about how you look?

I'm 42 and survived aggressive refractory lymphoma and a stem cell transplant this year. I couldn't give a shiny shit whether I'm attracting the attention of 20 somethings in bars. Weirdly I've come back from the experience with rock solid confidence about my place in the world and the value of my time/my attention/my company.

Seriously there are way more important things in life (I also had a reasonably glamorous younger life, exciting career, husband in successful band etc. Been there got the wristbands). Your present is the important thing, and the years you have ahead of you. Let the past go. Today has different gifts to offer.

I have found it liberating not to be sexually harassed daily as I've got older!

Also, I dress in quite a confident, cool way and find that I get a lot of complements and attention from women for that, which I find infinitely more flattering than men staring at my tits or trying to chat me up.

I think when I was younger I felt in competition with other women far more and never felt I was as pretty/sexy as my peers, but as an older woman that dynamic has just gone. I love the company of other women and just think all my friends are fucking awesome. I don't think about what I or they look like when we hang out, and don't measure myself against them in some sort of messed up scale of hotness. I think I'm pretty fabulous and it's no longer related to the size of my arse, shape of my nose, length of my eyelashes etc. I am much, much happier as a result!

What is that saying — ‘Grant me the confidence of the mediocre white man’?
Yes, pretty much. I'd like to have that.

@forinborin

What is that saying — ‘Grant me the confidence of the mediocre white man’? Yes, pretty much. I'd like to have that.

Hahaha so true

Like others who have commented, I have good me early 40s hugely liberating in lots of ways. I'm 45 now and the last 5 years have been the time I've been happiest in myself.... despite having some anxiety in the early part of the pandemic. In my 40s I feel like I've nothing to prove anymore. I have so much to be grateful for, and a sense of confidence in who I am, that comes with giving really no time or energy to what people who aren't important to me might think of me.

40s are great in my experience!

I don’t think this is an age thing at all. I am 52 and can remember many times in my teens and 20s when I felt unnoticed or not listened to. I’ve certainly felt thinly veiled contempt from people but not at any particular age.

I work with a lot of younger people. I always try to find some common ground with them to chat about.

I think this may be something that you are feeling about yourself. If you expect to be treated a certain way, it will reflect back at you. I think this requires a shift in mindset. You’ve still got it and you’ve got more life experience around it. Hold you head high and smile .

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the replies and sharing your experiences
It's been so good to discuss it

I had a couple of thoughts about all this earlier (while on my run!)

It sounds daft but I still listen to all the same music I did when I was young. I'm mostly into rock and my favourite bands are all from the 80s 90s and 00s so hardly any of them make new music. although I have a massive range of bands I like and there's some outliers (for example I like Billie Eilish - how my kids cringe that I like her 😂) it's mostly all stuff I'd listen to from late teens to early 30s.

I also have a confession to make in that i love reading shit mags like heat , cosmopolitan and Grazia . I think they're probably aimed at 18-30ish (poss less so grazia) ...I do read books also but I wonder if these magazines as Obvs they mostly show younger celebs in them and have young people modelling the clothes etc

I've rambled (again!) but yeah I wonder

I'm approaching 40 and am quite happy about this to be honest. I also modelled when I was in my late teens/early 20's. I qualified as a solicitor at 25 and the sexism was awful. Clients didn't respect me because I looked too young. I was constantly asked my age or chatted up. When I told people my job they'd say "oh, I'd have guessed you were a hair dresser" because I was too 'good looking'.
I'm enjoying the respect that age affords me.

Personally I couldn't give a shit about it. You were more attractive than me but I definitely wasn't ugly, and fully made up I looked pretty good on nights out but I was so painfully insecure in my teens and 20s, I'd never want to go back to that. If most people treat me differently I don't notice, I obviously notice men don't chat me up anymore but I really don't care, I craved the attention when I was younger because I felt so ugly but now I look a bit rough, I'm over weight and pushing 40 and loving it (not the over weight part.)

I can sort of sympathise with you though, in my late twenties I started gaining weight and DH and I went on a night out on holiday. We went to a place I hadn't been to for 8 years and the same band were playing and a lot of the bar staff were the same, I'd always gone there on my girls holidays and got a bit of attention but this time I got nothing and because I was really drunk I ended up crying to dh that I was unattractive and no-one fancied me anymore. He was less than impressed and I woke up the next day embarrassed but I wouldn't swap what I have now for what I had then.

Yes my musical tastes are stuck in 2007. I want to try new music but find it hard lol

@ILoveHuskies

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the replies and sharing your experiences It's been so good to discuss it

I had a couple of thoughts about all this earlier (while on my run!)

It sounds daft but I still listen to all the same music I did when I was young. I'm mostly into rock and my favourite bands are all from the 80s 90s and 00s so hardly any of them make new music. although I have a massive range of bands I like and there's some outliers (for example I like Billie Eilish - how my kids cringe that I like her 😂) it's mostly all stuff I'd listen to from late teens to early 30s.

I also have a confession to make in that i love reading shit mags like heat , cosmopolitan and Grazia . I think they're probably aimed at 18-30ish (poss less so grazia) ...I do read books also but I wonder if these magazines as Obvs they mostly show younger celebs in them and have young people modelling the clothes etc

I've rambled (again!) but yeah I wonder

My 20s DC and all their friends listen to 80s and 90s and earlier, pretty much exclusively so I think there's a lot of generational blurring there. They actually think we older ones are very cool because we got to see Bowie, The Ramones and The Smiths, and know how to properly dance to old school club tunes! Re the mags, not sure. My take is it never does any good to 'compare up' for want of a better expression, so there's no way I'd be spending too much time looking wistfully at models. But then I didn't when I was young either for the same reason.

@ILoveHuskies

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the replies and sharing your experiences It's been so good to discuss it

I had a couple of thoughts about all this earlier (while on my run!)

It sounds daft but I still listen to all the same music I did when I was young. I'm mostly into rock and my favourite bands are all from the 80s 90s and 00s so hardly any of them make new music. although I have a massive range of bands I like and there's some outliers (for example I like Billie Eilish - how my kids cringe that I like her 😂) it's mostly all stuff I'd listen to from late teens to early 30s.

I also have a confession to make in that i love reading shit mags like heat , cosmopolitan and Grazia . I think they're probably aimed at 18-30ish (poss less so grazia) ...I do read books also but I wonder if these magazines as Obvs they mostly show younger celebs in them and have young people modelling the clothes etc

I've rambled (again!) but yeah I wonder

Yes I also love music from the 80s and 90s , was listening to Californication yesterday and it does bring back memories of the 90s. I had a big wobble a few years back but more about not being to do stuff, bad knees and I can't run anymore which seemed liked a real line in the sand to me. But then in the end I had to think about the stuff I still could do, walking, cycling, swimming etc.

If you want to be noticed get an unusual dog.
When I look after my sisters dog (which is a very large and striking/unusual/macho dog) it's like flies around shit from all the guys!
(Women prefer my cuddly looking cute dog).

I'm in my mid-40s.
Lots of mostly unwanted male attention from very young.
I would say it damaged my confidence - I took care not to draw too much attention and I was very conscious of the danger male attention could bring.
If I 'dress up' I can still turn heads in a bar etc, so like being about to turn on or off the amount of attention I receive. I still can get perved on by old men (but they are a lot more respectful than when I was young and more vulnerable) if I want!
I've also noticed that if I put on even a stone, say go from size 10 to size 12, that has a massive impact on the amount of male & female attention I get.
I don't think I look that different, but it is obviously very noticeable to strangers.

as usual, not sure I'm following thread but...

Teenagers don't see anyone under 10 or over 30. They literally have no time to socially recognise ppl they don't know well outside that age boundary.

My guess is we all have age bias about who we pay attention to if OP is ignored by 20-somethings that's because 20-somethings care about age 20-35 ppl. And as a 50-something, I seem to mostly encounter & interact with age 40-64yos. ppl in other age categories are at high risk of being put in 'Other' category, just not my tribe.

I'm 43 and I don't feel like this at all. I can still turn heads on a night out (not that I'm interested in male attention) I still think I look decent and that people still notice me.

I like being in my 40s. I feel better in my own skin :)

Just learn not to care what other people think about you. The only one you need to be visible for, is yourself

Having thought about this some more I suppose if you were in a band and very good looking in your younger years then you were probably used to more adulation from strangers than most people.

But really, be thankful that you’re ageing, especially if you are in good health. It’s a blessing. I am grateful for every day having lost my parents in their early 60s.

This is how a lot of unattractive people, including I suspect a majority of men, feel/are treated their entire lives, including in the youth of their teens/20s/30s

Welcome to the real world.