To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

Thank back to when you were that gorgeous young rock goddess - how did you feel about middle-aged people in those days? I totally get what you mean, I was quite attractive when younger and am now an overweight 54 year old, but I try to be fabulous all the same. Have courage!

The turn was at 45 for me, feel totally invisible. Funnily enough I still get checked out from behind when wearing leggings (I do a lot of exercise) but when they see my face they look away in disgust.

I understand completely. I felt just like you, but a bit later in life - nearer fifty. I was treated differently, by males in particular, and it hurt. Sorry if that sounds a bit vain or pathetic, but I too felt invisible, and unimportant. Strangely, ten or more years down the line (and a few more wrinkles!), I'm feeling better about it all. Our looks might have changed, and we may not get admiring glances from young men any more, but somehow I'm more at ease about it, care less about what people think of me, only keep the people in my life that care about me, have let the 'users' slip by the wayside, and am loving life. There's fun and humour to be had at every stage, just look for it. Good luck x

I’m 46 and have always been awful at flirting or noticing whether anyone looks at me, so it’s made sod all difference. However I have aged not too badly besides being a trifle more plump, am told I look in my thirties.

What was interesting was going to a fancy dress in a grey wig. I had outlandish make up on but nobody noticed in the supermarket beforehand because I had the grey wig, I truly did feel invisible. Try it and you’ll realise that you’re not actually invisible.

I love being invisible I hated the attention from builders and other breeds of men when I was young

What I notice about your post is that you seem to give more value to getting attention from young people than your own age-group. We don't even know that you have been seen as "irrelevant" by anyone due to being in your 40s. I know women in their 40s who are part of the music scenes and have loads of friends, respect from fellow musicians, admirers etc. But it is clear the manufactured music scene can be dreadful in its packaging and obsession with youth only. But is this even what you are talking about?

You talk about being dismissed by younger people. But most people are very sensitive and aware of their peer group, so younger people are going to be more into their immediate peers and want to impress them etc. And yes a lot of them may think you're totally ancient. I remember being shocked at the age of our extremely cool flatmate as a student and she was only 28! I did think her supercool but remember being so shocked that someone soooo ancient could be so hip n happening etc. I look back at myself with a grimace! But when you think about it - 8 or 9 years when you are only 2 decades old yourself is half your life. Youngsters are that - just youngsters without many years or experience. And part of that there is the issue of rebelling or defining themselves against the generation that came before and probably (unfairly) dismissing a lot of things of the generation before so they can better define themselves. Just look at the babyname threads on mumsnet to see the shudders about the idea of using a middle-aged name! So uncool. Whereas granny names are totally in. If you believe the name forum, grannies can be cool. Mums cannot be cool. Probably because we are all rebelling (to some extent) against our mums. Trying to make out we're independent, different, etc (even though we're not - as the conformist fashions of babynames proves.)

As you're in your 40s, to people in their 20s - you are a different generation from them. They can like you and think you're brilliant, but looking to people so young for that kind of affirmation sounds a little desperate, like you're not properly valuing people of your age or their opinions. Why does the opinion of people in their 20s matter more than people in their 40s? Or are you saying people in their 40s also treat you like an irrelevance - I'm sure they don't. You say you were a dickhead when you were in your 20s. And nicer now. So you have more to offer now...but then the examples you give of what you have to offer being ignored seem to centre around walking into bars which doesn't really make sense.

There are plenty of middle-aged and older women in the media now - some of them are even cool! Although I wonder what cool really means sometimes. It can seem like a bit of an empty accolade that is important to teenagers (probably because they don't really know what they think about things yet) but maybe doesn't make sense once people have lived a bit more.

I do think we are in better times than we were in terms of women in their 40s are far more visible and admired and in the spotlight. You talk about resenting being invisible- but are women in their 40s invisible or dismissed in the way you are saying? Actresses, singers, even models are not pensioned off at 25 like in the past. The advertising billboard I passed today were of Jennifer Anniston. Looking quite visible.

You talk about only being seen as a middle-aged mum rand then list things like making lots of money and doing up a house as though these are superior things to the middle-aged mum thing. Some of the best people I know (and have known) are/were middle-aged mums. I mean I wouldn't describe them as middle-aged mums - just incredibly intelligent witty sparkling women.

@KedgeIsland except that younger women do go out with older men all the time. Even if it's only by a few years, it creates a situation where these men are not so delusional after all.

Maybe what is needed to fix the imbalance is a strike on dating older men! It would be interesting to see how invisible they find us then :)

My 40s was a brilliant decade. I knew who I was, I'd built a career, I was heaps more confident - and dressed to please myself. I never felt invisible, and still don't. It's more difficult probably if you're used to a lot of attention due to looks, but maybe there's a different kind of attention that's being missed. Being in your 40s is fun!

I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself.

I’m a similar age to you but I think you sound quite entitled.

Why should you have all that and youth too?

Let the younger gen shine.

I'm 45 and I hear you. Mt advice is to spend more time with much older people volunteer for a charity helping the elderly if you don't have grandparents. You'll be amazed how young you feel in comparison and some of them may even inspire you with their fun filled later life.

The advantage of having been a dumpy, plump, bad-skinned geek in my youth.

Age and sleep deprivation has hollowed out cheekbones I never knew I had. Affording me a bone structure that can take a short haircut. Which suits my salt and pepper hair.

Oh, and I give fewer and fewer fucks with every passing year.

No it’s horrible. Attractive privilege is huge. Thankfully I'm still hot at 40 and a bit younger. But I think when menopause hits it will depress me no end. My daughter is only 6 so that keeps me enjoying life though, I think I'll concentrate on her when my looks go but I will milk them until then. I feel confident in general as pre-mid-twenties I was hideous with acne and no self-confidence so the past twenty years I've lapped it all up and I actually look better now than I did then as I take care of myself. I went through a horrible bad patch about ten years ago though and I thought life was effectively over but I pulled myself out and did myself back up and I came back even better.

One thing I did two years ago was join a theatre group and it changed my life in terms of confidence, opportunity, and friends.

I agree with PPs that, in the past, your self esteem has been connected with what’s outside rather than inside, OP. Must be a bit of a shock to the system. In some ways, better never to have been “cool”.

CAVEAT

scared of menopause also and the middle aged spread.

Sadly it's just true. My first recognition of this was when on holiday a waiter on a morning, when we missed breakfast, led us to a table and served us, also asking for a drink later. A middle aged woman, which I am now, he just shouted is closed! Felt awful as was unfair but showed me that because we were young and attractive we got special attention. Just the way it is, I would be that lady turned away now. Superficial and horrible yes, reality yes. X

I’m mid 40’s and I don’t really feel like this. I haven’t noticed a change in attitude towards me and still get random compliments. I do take care of myself, but so does OP so not sure what’s different. I only really know this is a thing because other people have mentioned it.

@Piglet89

CAVEAT

scared of menopause also and the middle aged spread.

52 over here, post menopause, 24 inch waist, 37 inch hip. No belly fat. It takes some work and commitment, and I don't know how much longer I'll bother tbh, but that'll be my decision, not some inevitability.

I love it, never been a great beauty and now the expectations are lower and playing field levelled - it’s great.

Stop judging yourself by youthful looks! It’s personality, character, kindness etc that count. Also confidence. I’m way older than you and never feel invisible. Greet people with a smile and some friendly chat. They will respond, whatever their age.

I’m no looker but I think I look better now than I did in my 20s. I use makeup more effectively and style my hair better.

But most importantly, I have more confidence and knowledge. And I’m finally starting to experience that excellent phenomenon where you start to give significantly less of a shit what people think than you used to. It’s quite a relief!

I am 50 in two weeks.

Mostly I find that if you treat people with respect, they treat you respectfully in return. I don’t think I full understood that until I was in my 30s at least.

Don’t sweat it it OP.. I know it’s a cliche but reaching your 40s and beyond brings new and excellent opportunities. You may need to look for them and change your perspective a little but they’re there. It’s also a privilege not afforded to everyone.

@5128gap never had a 24 inch waist to begin with so would be delighted with that!

I'm with you OP, feel my life has gone backwards. Was married with a good job, size 8 (I'll cut out all the middle bit as boring) now a cleaner, the biggest I've been all my life, living in a rental with no hope of a mortgage as partner 60 (I'm 49). We are invisible 'old' people. I hate it, I look back at what I got up to in my 20's and realise I took them for granted and will never see the like again.

Live by the sword, die by the sword?

Sounds like you banked all your sense of inner value on fleeting, superficial things like fame and beauty. Unsurprisingly, time took it all away...
Maybe time to rethink your values?

[quote Piglet89]@5128gap never had a 24 inch waist to begin with so would be delighted with that![/quote]
Neither did I when I was younger! Switched to a vegan whole food diet, nothing processed, and cut alcohol to only about once a month, if that (for health reasons) and...hello..? What's happened here then...?

bloody hell, 24" waist? I've got 37-38" hips but no chance on 24" waist