To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

Never had That problem. I go where I want, drink what I want, listen to the music I want. I love being almost 60. If I go for a pint on my own, sometimes it is great to have someone new to talk to, but mostly I want to drink my beer, read my book (or sometimes do my knitting) and people watch. Have never had the urge to stand out. Much more interesting to be the "wallflower" at the back of the room watching what others get up to.

My 50s were my very best decade. At 49 I divorced my deadweight husband, moved overseas, took better care of myself. I had been beautiful in my youth, but didn't know it, as my mother had vehemently discouraged "vanity". At the top of my game professionally, much more confident about my abilities, being encouraged by my new DH, whom I met after realising that there were some lovely men out there, I was well-groomed, elegant, and professionally highly regarded. The world was a beautiful, fun, exciting and stimulating place. Sex was simply amazing. We travelled widely, backpacking all over Europe to little-known backwaters, learning all the time and never ceasing to talk into the night. You have so much life ahead of you, still so young, and the world is full of possibilities. Seize the day while you can, and don't dwell on some nostalgic, and probably semi-mythical past.

@ElftonWednesday

I'm 46 and I don't feel like that at all. I feel like people actually listen to what I say, take me seriously and are sometimes even a little intimidated, and if they are unfriendly or unwelcoming then I don't give a shit as I'm not looking for their approval.

I have found it the other way tbh… in my 20’s I was very shy and no-one looked twice at me as I hid myself but when I approached my 40’s I started getting a lot more male attention, this I can only put down to gaining confidence due to truly not giving a flying fig what anyone else thinks of me.

I dreaded approaching my 40’s and was attractive enough but it was not a great time for me.
Our time is NOW, enjoy each phase and learn with dignity. Dignity is ageless.
Perhaps counselling is an option for you.

Best of luck on the next phase of your life.

I’ll start seeing myself as invisible or irrelevant when the kardashians stop wearing body cons or fearne cotton stops wearing funny colours lol
40 urgh! Even kourtney K had a meltdown and Kim divorced her husband!
I personally love to just be free to push my baby in the buggy and not be objectified. Liberating…
I still see myself as attractive and cool (usually when I’m not in “mum” mode, but I still rock a cool outfit most days , stick on my shades and my loud prints) - its attitude!
Youth-ha! All that ugly 90s gear they are wearing ? Who wants their adulation. Nope.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jan/26/gen-z-indie-sleaze-camden?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter&s=08

Might give you a bit of nostalgia- I thought us indie/rock chicks were far more adorable !
and you don’t need to sent naked selfie or have a constant flow of dick pics as your “norm “

• I also enjoy to tell off The Youth as even though I’m fairly attractive,I’m still a “proper adult” to them and they generally listen to me haha

I'm 42 and I certainly don't feel invisible or irrelevant or that anyone treats me differently due to age. I have a particular style which does get me noticed although my looks never have (I'd never want to be judged on them anyway). I don't know how anyone can guess your age by looking at you so perhaps it's a mindset? I look at clothes aimed at the 40 something's and I'd never wear any of them as I think they're awful so perhaps the fashion industry needs to rethink what fashions they aim at that age group as well as it might be reinforcing a stereotype. Mary DePortas did a series on designing clothes for the 50 something's as she felt the fashion industry wasn't catering to them very well at all so perhaps it's the same for 40 something's? I'm childfree so perhaps having had kids ties in with the mindset that I don't get? Or is it nostalgia for what you looked like how many years ago?
Perhaps don't dwell on it and maybe give yourself a style reinvention if you want or just ignore it all completely.

I can empathise! I’m 48. I find it’s younger people who write me off. I’m doing a back to work course at the moment and all the younger students look at me like I’m ancient. One day there was something wrong with my login on a pc and i said to a girl sitting beside me, you can try using this If you like, my login isn’t working. She goes to the pc and starts talking to me extremely loudly and slowly like I was too old to know how a pc worked, this is how you login. It still didn’t work with her login!
I find teachers there are more my age and I get on well with them better than the students and they engage with me more than the other students, we would walk out of class together. I do worry about my job prospects and will I be even considered for roles but time will tell.

I remember 20 years ago being out at a work do, we were in a night club and my manager was with us. She was in her early 40’s at the time. She was a very beautiful woman, considered stunning in her 20s, but it was so obvious there that it was hitting her really hard that her looks were fading. She was so used to receiving attention and really not coping well that night that none of the men were interested. I’m not saying that’s you by the way! Not sure why im telling that story but I thought of her again when I read your initial post.

@Ifailed

You are married and in a relationship with your husband, why yearn for the male attraction you received a decade or so a go?

Exactly this

This is what happens when a woman believes her value as a person lies in her looks. A lot of evil people are beautiful and turn heads, so what ? Looks mean absolutely nothing especially as youre married and are in supposedly an exclusive relationship. We all know they fade over time anyway.

I don't relate to this at all. I absolutely hated getting stared at by men when I was younger. It would make my skin creep. I am nearly 50 and still get unwanted male attention even in the supermarket SMH. No I don't go out in full makeup and heels they are just creeps. I have had years of practice of avoiding eye contact and sending discouraging vibes.
I was delighted to discover a baby buggy makes you invisible in those years.
Being leered at by blokes is not something to be happy about??

In my experience you are being unfair to yourself, you are young and I see it that you have created this mindset through some insecurities possibly. I felt exactly like you when by the age of 68 my DC had all left home and I'd also retired from a good job. In no time at all, I felt all my life's purpose had vanished in the blink of an eye. Also, as a few years went by, I found that my voice, opinions, viewpoints, life experiences, were not needed or counted for in any way; a complete non entity to my adored family. Try as I did, my confidence sank. I look back and reflect on my life as a young person living with my parents and realise that I wasnt interested in their well-meant good advice or even their life experiences. I feel you are way too young to be feeling as you describe; there needs to be a level of positive thinking to stop this feeling that you are passed it; you are young, so be kind to yourself and make the most of the many years ahead.

@Mitzi067

In my experience you are being unfair to yourself, you are young and I see it that you have created this mindset through some insecurities possibly. I felt exactly like you when by the age of 68 my DC had all left home and I'd also retired from a good job. In no time at all, I felt all my life's purpose had vanished in the blink of an eye. Also, as a few years went by, I found that my voice, opinions, viewpoints, life experiences, were not needed or counted for in any way; a complete non entity to my adored family. Try as I did, my confidence sank. I look back and reflect on my life as a young person living with my parents and realise that I wasnt interested in their well-meant good advice or even their life experiences. I feel you are way too young to be feeling as you describe; there needs to be a level of positive thinking to stop this feeling that you are passed it; you are young, so be kind to yourself and make the most of the many years ahead.

Definitely not a non entity you just gave very good advice 😊

The fact that OP is in committed relationship is irrelevant to how she feels about her looks and visibility. That's tantamount to saying you should see your attractiveness purely in terms of your ability to attract and keep a man, when in reality it's about so much more. People have spoken at length about how changes to their looks have impacted the way they are viewed, the opportunities open to them and the general pleasure in the lives. Like it or not, being an attractive woman can be a really lovely experience. Looks bring so many advantages that can make life so much nicer. Not to mention the pleasure you can get from looking in the mirror and finding what you see aesthetically pleasing. It's perfectly understandable someone should worry about losing these things. You want them for yourself, not to offer them up to a man.

I was 60 6 weeks ago. Like you I was a glam bit when young— won quite a few beauty queen type things . These days I’m 4 stone overweight but I’m told I still have a great face and good skin and I dress truthfully so people usually think I’m late 40s. At first the invisibleness bothered me but these days not so much because it saves me feeling I have to put my face on every day !! I’m more bothered about the fact I feel sluggish and I know this is partly a weight thing— also various bits of me now ache!! It’s a bit of a shitty feeling to realise you are no longer automatically a head turner however I do enjoy it when someone in their 30s asks me how I’ve got such great skin or loves my top etc!!

@5128gap

The fact that OP is in committed relationship is irrelevant to how she feels about her looks and visibility. That's tantamount to saying you should see your attractiveness purely in terms of your ability to attract and keep a man, when in reality it's about so much more. People have spoken at length about how changes to their looks have impacted the way they are viewed, the opportunities open to them and the general pleasure in the lives. Like it or not, being an attractive woman can be a really lovely experience. Looks bring so many advantages that can make life so much nicer. Not to mention the pleasure you can get from looking in the mirror and finding what you see aesthetically pleasing. It's perfectly understandable someone should worry about losing these things. You want them for yourself, not to offer them up to a man.

All of that is true, and it's nice to hear someone say that being attractive brings lots of advantages. Sometimes, to read MN, you would think that being pretty is some terrible burden, and that it would be better to look like Quasimodo!

But the thing is, most people never get to enjoy these advantages. And looks will inevitably fade. So a person who loses their 'pretty privilege' is just going to be in the same position that most people have always been in. And when you have so many other advantages in life, like she has, then complaining that you no longer turn heads in the way you did 2 decades ago sounds a bit churlish.

I do get it. I used to be pretty and now, in my 50s, have to settle for being merely 'good looking for my age'. But that's life. Surely better to accept the reality rather than complain that people don't look at you in the same way they did when you were in your prime?

I didn't find this at all at your age. Now I'm a lot lot older I do but not in my early 40's. But I think you were so used to being the centre of attention now you're not you don't like it. That's the difference.

@ILoveHuskies It's just a phase. Once you're in your fifties you won't give a shit what other people think/say/do/don't do. Invisibility is your superpower!

I think you are probably mixing with wrong group as you don't sound comfortable in your own skin. There are lots of youthful 40 year olds about, presumably your old friends, so keep up your social groups with them. The youngsters aren't ready for you and it is there loss.

@Dovecare

I think you are probably mixing with wrong group as you don't sound comfortable in your own skin. There are lots of youthful 40 year olds about, presumably your old friends, so keep up your social groups with them. The youngsters aren't ready for you and it is there loss.

I agree with this. If you no longer feel like a big fish then you need to find a smaller pool!

Hi op, when I was young I got quite a lot of male attention, but I disliked it as it was all about my big boobs and nothing to do with who I was. I was shy too. As I got older I got braver socially and have discovered that if i assert my right to ‘take up space’ then I get noticed. Younger people have made me feel like I’m not allowed in their venues on occasion but I ignore them as far more have been friendly and lovely. But I don’t like being the centre of attention still. You sound a bit caught up with the superficial ‘fun’ of being seen as cool. It’s cooler to actually not give a toss and to just enjoy your creative and fulfilling life. Find your power as a wise woman!

I guess it depends what that ''male attention' led to.
I was fairly pretty when younger and can recite a catalogue of harassing behaviour dating from when I was in early teens (felt up in a shop) to being flashed at, chased, and sexually assaulted. Even when I met lovely DH it didn't stop -
So in my opinion yeah YABU. Why are you letting strangers' views of you dictate how you feel about yourself?

Misogyny is definitely worse as women get older - BUT maybe some of us coasted along on male approval for our looks for too long anyway - in many ways life is more interesting as we age, as long as we stay mentally alive and interested, & refuse to be treated badly just because we are older - you probably have getting on for another 40 years with luck & good judgement - so stop relying on youthful good looks to get by, grow your mind, your personality, be resourceful, take up new interests & challenges, socialise with younger and older women who don't see age as a problem, develop your personal style in how you present yourself, be confident, keep fit, treat yourself well, be interested in life, and above all STOP TALKING ABOUT AGE ALL THE TIME IT IS THE WORST HABIT OF MANY OLDER WOMEN AND US REALLY OFF PUTTING

The only thing that’s changed is you, and probably for the better. It’s a young people’s world who have yet to make an impression, form a relationship, become something, so everything is reflected inwardly on Self, rather that outwardly on others.

When I was in my 20s the ‘old’ people in their 40s were of no consequence to me or to my cool world, so they didn’t register as relevant. From my 40s I became invisible. I’m now late sixties and must have rematerialised because in general, young people are kinder to me🙂

I imagine you’re not invisible to your peers of a similar age, status etc?

Continue to count your blessings as you have more than most and try to find anothrr way to get the attention you crave such as writing a blog or getting an online following.

I’ve experienced this too, and really empathise with not being taken seriously as an older woman (despite professional success and spending power).

One slightly depressing theory I have is that a proportion of men never take any women seriously, whether they’re old or young, but while the women are young and hot the men are prepared to pretend. Once the women are old and less hot, there’s no value to the men in pretending and so they take the mask off. To be clear, I absolutely don’t think this is all men- my own husband is the perfect counter-example- but it’s enough to affect how women are treated as they go through the world.