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Original poster

To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

380 replies

ILoveHuskies · 31/01/2022 15:55

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

OP posts:
MulticolourTulips · 31/01/2022 20:22

And professionally (caring profession) people trust me a bit more, question my experience/judgement less - I feel I communicate better, understand more of peoples life experiences (although every day is still a school day) feel wiser and somewhat protective of younger staff rather than threatened by them

Absolutely this. When you are young and carefree, maybe looks and a good choice of expensive mascara matter. But I have an adult sen daughter in supported living and the staff turnover is huge. I'm always happier to see someone who is older and more experienced.

Some younger people are eager and willing to learn, don't get me wrong. But having older more experienced people makes me feel as though someone with confidence and experience is ultimately in control.

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/01/2022 20:23

Not my experience at all. Sorry. Probably not what you want to hear.
Never been the least bothered what people think of me though, so maybe that’s it.

MulticolourTulips · 31/01/2022 20:27

I’m happy in my own middle aged skin, I love my job, I have great friends, interests which keep me busy. If people aren’t prepared to get to know me because they think I have nothing to offer then they’re not the sort of people I’d be interested in either

Completely agree. It must be hard though, for people who've always made their way in life because of their looks. If they've been astoundingly good looking, they would never have to bother having a personality.

OpheliaTrousersnake · 31/01/2022 20:28

@oakleaffy

PMSL at the idea that we are only allowed to think we are attractive and visible in our 50s if we have had "work done"...

5128gap · 31/01/2022 20:50

I think we are our own and other women's worst enemies at times. All this youth worship!
'wait till you're 50/60/70...' 'you can't compete with a beautiful 20 year old...' 'famous 50 year olds only look good because they can afford procedures....'
Truly, what good does perpetuating the narrative that youth equals beauty do, either for older woman, or the younger ones, who are just older women in waiting, and will have to grapple with this too in a few decades time? There's not a great deal we can do about how men see us, but there's a great deal we can do about how we see each other. Yes, young women can be lovely and visible, but older ones can be too, we just need to be open to seeing it in ourselves and each other.

Thisisit2022 · 31/01/2022 20:54

When I was mid to late teens I struggled with the fact I wasn't pretty. Because I've always been blessed with the best friends, family and later my own child this genuinely stopped being any issue to me whatsoever by the time I was in my mid twenties.

I DO think attractive people CAN be treated differently and more positively but because I never was I haven't lost anything. I can imagine that people who were once young and beautiful would struggle with aging and how they might not be treated as they once were. What to them is "invisible" is actually just not special treatment.

MorganBrocklehurst · 31/01/2022 21:05

I felt exactly like this when I went through an early menopause in my mid/late 30s. However, I'm in my mid-40s now, on HRT and these feelings have completely disappeared. I was always striking rather than pretty/conventionally attractive. Is it vain to say I have grown into my looks and very much turn heads now, more so than when I was in my 20s and 30s. I'm more confident now and I care less, both things make me feel visible and relevant. I definitely attract more male interest now too.

Bendyrabbit · 31/01/2022 21:05

I was very attractive, modelled in to my 20’s and had jobs that required me to be good looking such as hostess and front of house in high end restaurants. I’ve aggressively lost my looks and it’s taken all my confidence and a lot of my very superficial friendships. I’ve tried to orientate my life to find esteem in other places but it’s so hard. A couple of people have asked if my wedding photos are of me and they are only taken ten years ago. I look like Noel Feildings fat mum these days. It’s grim being sat next to the toilets in restaurants, ignored when you want service and being patronised by younger people.
I will be retraining next year and I am frightened that I will be looked down on by the youngsters on the course for being 40. This thread hasn’t helped me as all this stuff has been on my mind lately.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 31/01/2022 21:11

Conceited much?! You’ve put way too much importance on looks and it’s biting you in the arse! Stop measuring looks, fans etc and live.

I’m delighted to become more invisible after sex pests and pervs. People listen to me more now I’m wrinkled

OpheliaTrousersnake · 31/01/2022 21:11

@Bendyrabbit You are only 40! That's young. You are exactly the same person as you were in your 20s, and you need to try to view yourself in the same way. You can't possibly have aggressively lost your looks. This probably sounds completely stupid, but have you tried acting in the same way that you acted when you knew you were beautiful? So much of 'visibility' comes from the way you present yourself and from your confidence, rather than the way you actually look. Ignore me if this is trite bollocks, though.

Original poster
ILoveHuskies · 31/01/2022 21:16

@5128gap

I think we are our own and other women's worst enemies at times. All this youth worship! 'wait till you're 50/60/70...' 'you can't compete with a beautiful 20 year old...' 'famous 50 year olds only look good because they can afford procedures....' Truly, what good does perpetuating the narrative that youth equals beauty do, either for older woman, or the younger ones, who are just older women in waiting, and will have to grapple with this too in a few decades time? There's not a great deal we can do about how men see us, but there's a great deal we can do about how we see each other. Yes, young women can be lovely and visible, but older ones can be too, we just need to be open to seeing it in ourselves and each other.
Agree

It is so ingrained through isn't it 😩

OP posts:
Bendyrabbit · 31/01/2022 21:17

@OpheliaTrousersnake thank you for your kind words- that’s a lovely sentiment and I would like to tap into that feeling but it feels very distant. Sadly, I really have changed. Three stone, three kids and the payoff for my hard living youth have a caught up with me Grin
On the plus side I’m not a narcissistic twat anymore.

Oblomov22 · 31/01/2022 21:31

Your whole outlook is skewered because of your views on looks and how it makes you feel and how it defines you. Because you are so beautiful. So aging and that loss of visibility is hard for you. But for most of us it's not that big a deal.

OpheliaTrousersnake · 31/01/2022 21:38

[quote Bendyrabbit]@OpheliaTrousersnake thank you for your kind words- that’s a lovely sentiment and I would like to tap into that feeling but it feels very distant. Sadly, I really have changed. Three stone, three kids and the payoff for my hard living youth have a caught up with me Grin
On the plus side I’m not a narcissistic twat anymore.[/quote]
Well... I think we do change as we get older. If it's any consolation, I did have a bit of a visibility crisis when my children were younger and I was a SAHM for many, many years (many of which I spent wearing 'childminding' clothes and having no time to do anything for myself - I couldn't even go to the hairdresser without taking toddlers, so I never went to the hairdresser). However, I am now 50 and am well on the other side of child-rearing (in fact, I haven't felt this attractive or visible since I had my first child in my 20s, and I do think a lot of it is to do with attitude, as I am clearly not as pretty as I was then). So you never know...

saraclara · 31/01/2022 21:47

In my mid-sixties now, I'm kind of glad that I was never particularly attractive. I've never been one of those people that others 'noticed' so I've had nothing to lose, really.

Yes, I get a shock sometimes when I catch myself in the mirror, because of course I don't feel any different inside than I did when I was in my 30s. But strangers have never noticed me, and those who know me know me for who I am and what I've achieved, and if anything I'm respected more. I like that I'm seen as someone whose opinions and advice are worth listening to. That's a good thing about age.

MrsIglesias · 31/01/2022 21:50

Totally understand and relate. But am also struck by the need for others/men to value and appreciate us. Women are so socialised to be dependent on how others receive us.

AbsentmindedWoman · 31/01/2022 21:54

You are simply greedy, OP.

You had a great experience of youth, and now you're having a great experience of adulthood proper - by your own admission, a great career and marriage and you are lucky enough to get to be a mother to several kids. You mention you have friends and family, you say you are intelligent and kind.

You've had a charmed life, yet here you are grizzling over a bit of lost attention from the youthful masses.

My god. You would do well to wake up to the sheer good fortune you have had in your life and appreciate it.

The only problem here is an inability to be satisfied. I'm actually a bit gobsmacked - you have everything and yet you still want more? Somehow?

forinborin · 31/01/2022 21:58

I've never been good looking, so the mid-life looks crash wasn't that sudden for me.

What is shocking for me is how young many men in 40s feel (I mean, feel about themselves). Spoke last week to a male friend who is 43 (listening to his usual complaints about the absence of love life, due to being very shy), and realised that women over 35 simply don't exist for him. He doesn't maliciously ignore them, they are just invisible, as if made of glass. I asked why doesn't he ask out someone he already knows, someone like Sue (one of our joint friends). He was totally shocked and said that he never thought about her like that - isn't she's a bit on the older side? The reality is, she's 7 years younger than him.

Original poster
ILoveHuskies · 31/01/2022 22:06

@forinborin

I've never been good looking, so the mid-life looks crash wasn't that sudden for me.

What is shocking for me is how young many men in 40s feel (I mean, feel about themselves). Spoke last week to a male friend who is 43 (listening to his usual complaints about the absence of love life, due to being very shy), and realised that women over 35 simply don't exist for him. He doesn't maliciously ignore them, they are just invisible, as if made of glass. I asked why doesn't he ask out someone he already knows, someone like Sue (one of our joint friends). He was totally shocked and said that he never thought about her like that - isn't she's a bit on the older side? The reality is, she's 7 years younger than him.

Ugh that's so depressing 🤦‍♀️😞😞😞 no offence to your mate but I doubt he's a Brad Pitt clone.

I saw a post on another thread that there was a study done and apparently most men of all
ages find women most attractive at age 22 I mean ffs.

OP posts:
forinborin · 31/01/2022 22:21

no offence to your mate but I doubt he's a Brad Pitt clone.
No, he's not, but I know him for quite some time and he's not a bad guy. As in, he didn't do it consciously because he has something against older women. He was genuinely flabbergasted that a woman THAT OLD could be even perceived as a potential candidate for him. And thar specific woman is actually very very good looking, but of course not 22-y.o.-good-looking.

PeacheyPeach · 31/01/2022 22:41

I'm early 40s and I feel so much more confident in myself than I had in my 20s. I' no longer worry about what people think of me or if people are looking at me ( and they probably aren't anyway!) It's so freeing to not worry about other people's opinions or the friendship dramas or anything that I went through when I was younger. I can't think of anything worse than being younger now, ( apart from the pert boobs!!)

Totallyanonymousplease · 31/01/2022 22:42

I think you care too much what other people think.

Do not try and get validation by the way other people treat you.

Flowersandhearts · 31/01/2022 22:49

Looks are one tiny aspect of a person. Not having good looks might make you invisible to some people. Those people are crappy people; they just don't matter!

Momijin · 31/01/2022 22:59

I don't get that at all. People still listen to me etc (and I'm in my 50s) as much as they did when I was younger.

JaceLancs · 31/01/2022 23:02

Apologies I haven’t read the whole thread but I am sure there is more to OP than looks
I’m nearly 60 and was never a beauty but I still attract admiration from both sexes because of who I am in other ways